Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have decided to make a ME thread.  It is nothing special.  It is just going to be a place that I can write, vent, share, and just basically keep my anal retentive 'ducks in a row'.  A microblog if you will...

It all starts here:  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176743 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176743)

That was my very first post to Susan's.  I have made some other posts, but I needed a little 'Me' space and quit pushing my Introductions post to the top every time I posted an update.  Catch up there and post here! 

Thanks,
Raelynn

Looks around for the f :icon_censored: like button.

So how about this. :eusa_clap:

Sounds like a good idea.

Hugs

Ok... I am assuming that you are caught up!  ::)

Today was a DREADED day for me for a whole lot of reasons.  The dumbest of which is that it's Friday the 13th.  I'm not even superstitious, so WTH!?!?! lol  The next thing was it was my 3rd doctors appt for the week.  Therapy, lipids class (healthy heart stuff!) and finally today... my Primary Care doctor.  I don't have 'White Coat' syndrome or anything, so it shouldn't be a big deal.  <--- that is what I kept telling myself today.  I really don't and it really shouldn't.  BUT, today was the day that I was telling my PC about my HRT.  I had pockets full of pills and vials to actually show her that it was a real deal.  I went in and talked to the nurse and got weighed, blood pressure, etc... and she asked if this was just my regular check up and if anything had changed since my last visit.  I LIED.  I told her no and I got assigned to a room and there I went and waited for what seemed like 3.182 days.  When my doctor came in (about 10 minutes later), she did the usual 'look over my last blood work and the new blood work' comparison and was actually pleased that I had improved my numbers and lost weight!  We talked about how much that is going to help me feel better about myself and feel better in general.  This was where I broke in and said..."Speaking of feeling better.  I started going to an Endocrinologist and started HRT."  I started pulling bottles out of my coat pockets and she asked, "Testosterone?" and I smiled and said no, "Estrogen."  She looked at the bottles and started looking up in the clinic's drug formulary to see if it was something that they carried and then all of a sudden she stopped...  She looked at me and said, "Is this for.......what I THINK it's for?" and I laughed and said, "Yes.  I am transgender and finally moving forward in my journey."  She just said okay and kept looking.  She even called the pharmacy to see if it was okay for her to prescribe my Provera and Spiro without a diagnosis (she hasn't been a part of my diagnosis at ALL).  While she was on the phone, trying to be as gentle with me and explain the situation to the pharmacist what was going on, she got flustered.  I did the hand roll/wave like; Go ahead, It's ok to say it, gesture and she finally came out and explained that I was MTF transgender and after that, they all were on the same page!  So, after that little awkward bit and finding out that I WILL get my meds from my clinic, we wound up my official health visit and began a personal one.  IT WAS AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE!  Turns out that her son is gay and out and she said that she understands in a weird way why I am the way I am.  She said that although it isn't something that she agrees with on a religious level, she understands that it is something that is a part of me that cannot be ignored.  She and I then discussed how I felt since starting and I told her that I have NEVER been at peace with myself as I have been.  She said that her son has said the same thing about coming out to his family.  We talked about family members, my past history of trying my damndest to be a MANLY MAN and my failed marriages.  We talked religion and laughed how we were both raised the same way, same denomination and shared a lot of similar views.  It was so great!  Here I was, scared to death of THAT conversation, and it ends up being a very, VERY positive experience.  My 45 minute office visit ended up being 1.5 hours and it was well worth it.  Since I am 'something new' to her and she thinks that her son may be expressing TG tendencies, she asked if it was ok for her to ask me questions, with the qualifier of 'within reason' (lol) about my treatment and journey and I said "Absolutely!!!"  We ended my visit with her standing up and asking if it was okay to give me a hug, which I happily accepted!  I am going to my Endocrinologist this coming Tuesday and continue with her since it is her specialty, but now all of my doctors now know and it isn't a big secret anymore.

BEST FRIDAY the 13th EVER!!!!

well, the only thing I can say is that 3.182 is .001 away from the inverse of pi divided by 0.1. which would be 3.183 which is within  99.9%

LOL!!!  Math Geek!!!  All I know about pi is I like apple better than peach! :P

Oh and thanks Mrs Izzy!

cherry pi is my favorite

needles and needles...

It will get easier and easier, I know, but today I hit a blood vessel and... well, it made me queasy and I DON'T mind blood (unless it's my kiddo's or I guess MINE now!)

Just as an FYI for all of those out there thinking about HRT.  This is a P.S.A. for you!  There WILL BE NEEDLES and you WILL BE GIVING YOURSELF SHOTS (unless you want to do weekly Doctor's Office visits)!!!  And the needle might be tiny, but it is LONG!

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi206.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fbb188%2Fsissygrrl_Rae%2F20150215_194852.jpg&hash=7cce87aeda340e592538dd8aa3af4922a642218b)

Thanks for sharing this.  As I think with many of our greatest fears, joys and challenges, others once told may be confused, flustered and at a Loss for words but they have someone they know that had what you had, was kinda where you were or that helps them get to where both sides need. Sometimes not but many times yes.  You helped both sides of the discussion and both of you gained from what I can tell.  Sweet story.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Congratulations. I am doing the same thing with my transition (keeping a post going)

I get up for work at 3:15 A.M.. On days I inject I get up and wash my hands and inject in bed and sleep in for 15 minutes. I look forward to injecting and can not wait for the next day when the full effect hits. I had to repeat my injection training 3 times because I kept fainting. Now it is nothing, well the needle is intimidating and watching as I plunge it into my muscle is kind of cool in a surreal way.

YEA! (+BOO!)  I have my 3 month check up with my endo tomorrow and we just had a horrible ice storm last night.  It never got above 26 degrees today and I am DREADING the drive in!  It is a 9am in the morning, so at least I won't be driving with the nutcases trying to get to work at 8! 

Good Luck and I hope you have a safe drive to and from the appointment.
Mariah

Quote from: Raelynn on February 16, 2015, 09:45:28 PM
YEA! (+BOO!)  I have my 3 month check up with my endo tomorrow and we just had a horrible ice storm last night.  It never got above 26 degrees today and I am DREADING the drive in!  It is a 9am in the morning, so at least I won't be driving with the nutcases trying to get to work at 8!

It was a great appt.  (I forgot to update this!!)  All of my numbers looked good to my endo and she was happy with the physical changes, so there wasn't any medicine adjustments.  Now it is just time...  All good things come to those who wait!!

PS:  I freaking did it again... I hit a blood vessel and ugh!!!  That was the 2nd time that I stuck myself.  The first time, I hit a nerve about half way in and pulled it out. 

Hi Raelynn,

I hit a nerve 3 times in 5 months injecting. Last night for the first time after injecting there was a line of blood. I put pressure on it and it stopped quickly.

Good luck wit the shots.

It is just un-nerving! I know it will be ok and it will stop, but when you first do it... It will scare the crud out of you!!!

Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!  Shot day and it was NOTHING!!!  I didn't hit a nerve OR a vessel!!!  I was dreading it sooo much too!  I had almost talked myself into giving it to myself tomorrow.

Not a lot else going on... I had therapy last week and it went well.  We discussed feelings and how much my self worth has improved over the last few months. She said I am smiling more (which is a good thing?  I could be looking like a blithering idiot!) and she asked me about my dating situation.  I admitted to her that I have not been active in the dating scene for a while and I am kind of holding back from it.  I just don't need anyone right now.  I have dated or been married for the last 25+ years and this alone time is doing me wonders.  Yeah, my house is kind of messy.  Yeah, I don't get out and exercise as much as I should... but I am happy.  I still go and do things, it's not like I am a hermit, but I just don't want to do the bar scene anymore and there really aren't many places that you can meet nice guys.  With that said, I would rather be alone than go through the dating rituals and still not find the right guy.  I am a non drinker and non smoker and clubs are HORRIBLE for a person like me...  I guess I just need to decide on my future when the time comes, for now it is going to be me and my furry baby.

Le' Sigh... it is rainy outside and getting ready to snow...  I am ready for warm weather and shorts!!!  Hey! That gives me an idea... online shopping day!  Woohoo!

Happy Monday ya'll!!!  Not sure why in the heck I am awake and happy at 4:30 am, but I am!  Guess I just feel blessed to be on this side of the dirt!  Anyhow, not much going on.  I got to see my college kiddo yesterday.  He was in for a quick, whirlwind tour and back out the door headed back to university.  God I love that child!  He makes me so proud!!!  It has finally warmed up here (it was in the upper 60's over the weekend. Squeeee!!!) It was kind of coolish yesterday and so I didn't get much done.  Today is going to be different!  I have a lot to do and I have my list and I hope to get it accomplished.  A friend is suppose to stop by and lend a hand with some things and that will make all the difference in the world.  He has been helping me on this new project and I guarantee, I am thankful for great friends.  There has been a TON of work and without his help, I would be in a crying bundle on the floor!  Oh, oh, oh!!!! I almost forgot!  I had another friend come over with her daughter and grand daughter... oh, such a doll!  We all sat and visited.  It had been too long (not MY fault).  I had some things that I had bought that didn't quite fit me and her daughter is smaller than I am, so I just gave them to her.  They are great peeps too!  Well, that is my weekend update.  More to follow after a few days... Therapy this week and a diabetes/weight management class too.  UGH.  Why did I just have to remind me of that...

This is going to sound messed up without a little 'splainin...  I was driving down the road today, listening to a (my generation and NOT the oldies) radio station and a song came on.  I have ~always~ loved this song, but today it hit me a little different.  I listened to the words a little different today, from a different point of view.  It all kind of fell into place.  Each and every word (except the making love part! lol).  It explains my journey leading up to HRT.  I have been looking for a long time for my true self and now that I have found her, I have embraced her and I love her... and she is going to be loved forever.

Loves and Kisses ~Rae

https://youtu.be/Wln6NX0V4AQ (https://youtu.be/Wln6NX0V4AQ)

Le-sigh.  Tired of the rainy weather.  I know that I won't be come the dog days of Summer, but I have some outside things to get done and Momma Nature is ruining it for me!  It was nice today and will be nice tomorrow, but we have more rain coming in starting Tuesday.  It's not even the 'good' rain either.  It is the sprinkles every other hour or so kind of rain.  Well I guess I will have to mash everything in one day tomorrow! LOL!!!

Everything else is awesome.  I met with my dietician this past week and she is getting me on a diet eating lifestyle change plan.  She is very cool.  She reminds me of my Aunt and that's kind of weird for me, because my Aunt is one of the LAST people I would come out to.  She knows about my HRT and is basing my numbers on the female gender (which sadly is lower!) and this makes the work on my part a little tougher.  SO.  Less food and less carbs for Rae!  It's all good.  I want to live a nice long healthy life!

I have tried to write this for almost a week now...  I'm still not sure I will get through it, but here I go.

Great. Pain. Death. Shock. Pain. Sadness. Fear. Being strong. Crying on the inside.

This is my life over the last 10 days.  Two Saturdays ago, it was absolutely beautiful out.  I decided to venture out into the sun and get some things done around the yard and do some work on my vehicle that has needed to be done for the last month or so.  I dove right in and got things started!  I finished the yard stuff and started on the car when my hands started aching.  I had a friend over that was helping me (doing most of the work!) and I had to get up and get an ice pack for my hands.  Within an hour after that, I couldn't make a fist with either hand.  My knuckles were swollen and on fire.  We had to stop working on my car and I went inside and tried to rest.  After a few hours of pain, I finally went to the Urgent Care and saw a doctor.  She gave me steroids and offered pain meds, but I turned down the pain meds because I hate the way I feel on them.  That evening, I took my meds and crawled in bed with a heating pad for my hands.  I tossed and turned all night and finally the next morning, I went back to the Urgent Care and took the doctor up on her offer of pain meds.  By Tuesday, my hands were 90% normal, then Wednesday happened...
I get a call from my son at college, 2 hours away.  His best friend for most of his life had suddenly died.  It was quick.  He had died in his sleep.  But still... 22 years old and gone from this Earth.  My son was inconsolable and I couldn't hold him.  I couldn't be there.  There was literally NOTHING I could do to calm him down but talk.  I was dying on the inside.  Finally, after lots of tears, my son calmed down and we began talking about him coming home.  He had to gather some things up and make arrangements for work and he would be on his way and be here as soon as he could.  Then we hung up and the shock sat in.  22 years old and gone.  That is a call a parent NEVER wants to get.  The knock on the door that makes you scared of answering the doorbell.  The words a parent never should hear.
After getting off of the phone, I made a few calls... his mother, my mother, friends, and then I sat here at my desk and just stared at nothing.  I don't know how long.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I don't know if I cried or not.  I don't remember anything but grief, pain.  Then I just started praying.  I prayed for my son, his friend and family.  I prayed for strength.  I prayed for comfort.  It was all I knew to do.
After several hours, my son walks in the house and comes walking towards me, arms out, bawling...  I didn't see my 23 year old college student, I saw my 4 year old baby boy.  I saw my sonshine as a boy, as a teen, as a child... everything but an adult.  This was my baby with his heart crushed.  There was nothing I could do or say to calm him down, so we just held each other for what seemed like an hour as he cried and I fought back my tears.  I had to be the strong one for him.  He has always depended on me to be the strong one.  But on the inside, I was torn up.
After a few days, his sadness had appeared to turn over to acceptance.  He told me he had prayed and felt it was time to be strong for others.  We smiled, joked, laughed and it was so great.  We ate dinner with family and talked about his friend and what a great person he was and how he had so much to offer the world (the kid was crazy smart and didn't even know it).  But the whole time we were laughing and reminiscing, the laughter and smiles would fade and I would catch myself staring at my son and thinking, 'It could have been him'.  I could have got 'that' call.  I could have had that knock on the door.  Panic sat in.  Over the last couple of days, I have had numerous panic/anxiety attacks.  Prince Valium has been my best friend and worst enemy.  I have felt good and been sleeping.  Too much sleeping.  Luckily my son and I have similar sleep schedules, so I have been able to spend time with him in the middle of the night, but I have not done a damn thing around the house.  It is a literal pit.  I rolled the BIG trash can in and left it in the kitchen for the take-out boxes, cups and sacks.  Nothing has been home cooked, no one has felt like it.  I have just been numb and unwilling to do anything.  I want to let him sleep, so I don't clean when he is sleeping and I want to be with him and talking when he is awake.  I just want to be there for him, but I am being strong.  I have to be strong one more day.
Today is the day my son becomes a man.  He is going to be a pallbearer and bury his best friend and I can't be there.  I have to take my mother in for surgery (that has been planned for a while now and can't be postponed) and I can't get my sister to take her.  I don't know how well I would do anyhow, I'm on the verge of crying as it is and I don't want to lose it at the funeral.  I don't take death very well.  It hurts a lot of people.

Well, I made it through.  I guess I made sense.  Don't really care if I did or not.  I just had to get it out.  Looks to be a weird day today.  It is actually foggy this morning.  Been a while since it's been foggy.  Thunderstorms this afternoon and then rain for most of the next two weeks. I guess it is that time of the year.  Time for storms, rain and blooms.  Maybe we will get a rainbow from heaven...

Not having the best of luck in the health dept... I have been hurting in my hips for about a week now.  I am back on steroids and pain meds, but I want to get to the source and find out what's up.  2nd joint related pain in a month!

Hips are still killing me. I have a message in to my endocrinologist about it possibly being pelvic tilt (or hip rotation). It's lasted 3 weeks now with no let up. I am also going in to see my primary care doc and see of it's something else. Hard to get anything done when you can't walk or sit for any length of time..  Standing is fine.

Crying... well cried out at the moment.  Been up all night.  I about fell this evening and I am in excruciating pain... and VERY sad.

Yesterday was Dr. day.  I went to my Endo to see what she could tell me on my hips.  She referred me to her autoimmune disease specialist (My Endo's office specializes in virtually EVERY thing you can imagine) and I had a great visit with her.  She poke me. Pushed all over. Wiggled. Twisted. Bent. Anything she could do to torture me, she did it.  She looked at my body/skin conditions.  Reviewed EVERY medicine I take and have taken in the past 5 or so years.  We discussed family history.  Living conditions.  Eating habits. Daily schedules... Everything you can think of and then sent me off for labs and x-rays.  She said that she would be getting back with me as soon as I got the tests done and labs came back.  Well, I was already hurting, dressed and out, so I decided to go right then and get them out of the way.  By noon, I was finished with it all.  Then the reports started coming in and they didn't look good (I can access my medical charts online and it is awesome sometimes).  I come from a medical background and I didn't like what I was seeing.  It is confirming what I was afraid of... Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Now, some will say that it is no big deal, and I do hope so, I really do, but this is what started my dad on his downward spiral.  He developed RA several years ago and did ok with it for a couple of years.  One day, he started complaining about back pain and went in for a checkup with his RA doc, who sent him in for blood work.  They discovered Lymphoma that day.  Stage 4.  He started chemo by the end of the week.  After the first round, they tested him and his cancer was in full remission... After being off of most of his meds for a while (chemo doesn't mix well with others) they finally started to ease him back onto his normal meds.  Everything was great and then he started his RA medication again.  3 months later, Lymphoma again.  Started chemo again, but this time it didn't touch it.  This time his body added small cell lung cancer to the mix... same thing his dad died from.  2 months later, dad died.  Dad was 70... I am 46.  I am scared ->-bleeped-<-less.

My dreams and desires are dashed at the moment.  My new AI doc charted that she is going to refer me to an RA specialist and will contact me today about it (the bad part of being able to see my charts online) and discuss what is going on.  I already know what the first thing that is going to happen... I am going to have to end my HRT.  There are a lot of studies out about HRT (in menopausal women) and RA and the negative effects of estrogen therapy in controlling RA.  I am heart broken but at the same time, I want to live.  I have waited a lifetime to come out and a lifetime to begin my journey towards becoming the woman that I really am... and now it is being taken from me. 

I haven't slept much since yesterday morning when I got up for my doctors appointment... maybe 3 hours, 4 tops.  I lay in bed, hurting, and think about all of this and want to just wake up and it all be a bad dream.  I am getting ready to take my morning meds and one of them is a valium, maybe I'll get some sleep then.  Maybe not.

Not much has changed.  I am still in excruciating pain with my hips and walking short distances with a cane.  Sometimes I can't even walk at all and spend a lot of time propped up in bed watching television.  On the days that I can get up, I spend with my kiddo, who is home for the summer and trying to be a parent.  UGH.  It is sooo hard to be a parent to a 23 year old.  They are still your baby, but they are adults.

Well... on the hip front.  I got an appointment to see the RA doctor.  Only problem is that I have to wait until July 30th to see one that is in my network.  I could have seen one a week ago, but I would have to have paid for it out of pocket.  Since this may be a lifetime thing, I opted to wait and let my insurance pick up the tab.  I talked with my Endocrinologist and my AI doctors and both of them agreed that it was not likely at all to have anything to do with my HRT and I could discontinue it if I felt like it, but they didn't recommend it (or said it wasn't necessary).  So I am staying on my HRT and going to wing it for now. 

Everything else in life is WONDERFUL!  I have come out to some more friends and it has been well received.  My other health issues are awesome!  Losing weight, losing inches around my waist and rib cage.  My thighs and butt seem bigger, but that might be inflammation, so I am not counting that just yet!  All of my blood work and innards are right where they are suppose to be... just pain.  Once I get that problem licked, I will be golden! 

Anyhow,  that is Rae's day for the day... TTYL

Great. Lying in bed has subjected me to copious amounts of android apps.  I swore up and down that I wouldn't get sucked into Pinterest, but I have.... Omg it is such a time waster!!!

Anyhow, feeling better. May try and get up and do a few things around the house tomorrow. Baby steps...

My baby boy is such a great kiddo! He brought me fresh tea and told me not to worry about dinner. He's going to cook spaghetti!  Better not be spaghetti-o's!

Congrats to Kaitlyn Jenner!

Done.

I am about 1/2 way through the ending process of my HRT therapy.  I have MY reasons for doing this and I wish that I would have found them before I ever started.  I am NOT going to get into my reasoning because I don't want to knock what may possibly be working for some one else.

Do your research on your meds girls!!!


And yes... I am STILL in a tremendous amount of pain.  It is in both knees and ankles as well as the hips.  Praying for relief and an end to this torture.  My docs are working hard on it, as well as myself.  Together, I think we can solve this and correct it.

Just dropping in to say hi... It has been a while since I posted anything and even getting on the forum, but it has been a hard summer for me.  I have been totally off of my HRT since July and I am in a funk like no other.  I still have my hip problems and now have a diagnosis. My bones are dying. But...it is what it is, I can't do anything about it now and I have almost come to accept it.  It was my choice to roll the dice and I did it.  No one to blame but me.  I have seen countless doctors and have countless more to see before I will be walking without pain again.  One of the doctors that I saw flagged me as "High risk medicine use" because of my HRT.  I have been asked about my 'drug' problem several times since and it pisses me off.  When I explain what it REALLY means, I get funky looks and lots of "Uh.... okay..." statements.  The irony of the whole deal is that the same doctor prescribed me pain meds to take 1 every 6 hours and told me to come back in a month if I needed more.  I REALLY want to talk to the medical group that they are with and get that taken off of my medical files, but I am walking a very thin line with the doctor because I am going to have to see them for my RA that I am starting to develop.  Yeah, there are other doctors in town, but this doc is supposedly the best by far.  Everyone recommended them for arthritis issues and I had to wait 3 months to get in to see them as it was...  Other than that... life has really sucked.  Lost two friends in the past 2 months, one to suicide, the other, sudden heart attack. My cousin also died. Accidental suicide is what they finally said it was.  He had taken some meds that didn't mix and fell asleep and never woke up. All of them were younger than me too.  My cousin's death has really hit me the hardest.  He was the first family member that I came out too.  He had been out for a long time and we talked and talked about how I should approach my mother and other family members.  He was my 'gay' rock.  He understood me.  He never diminished what I had to say or how I was feeling.  He was a great guy and I will miss him forever.

*** Edited version. It seems I used non-allowed words.

F'ing F. 

Professionals need to always be professional.  If you are leaving a practice, it would be nice to tell your f'ing patients and not wait until they call for an appointment after your leave to only be told that they no longer have a therapist and need to pick another one from the group.  How hard is it to write a f'ing letter and mail it?  How hard is it to have the other therapists review your case and decide who would be the best fit and arrange for an assessment appointment.  Now I am going to have to start over and go through EVERYTHING again.

I just want to crawl in a f'ing hole and just hide for the rest of my life and eat cheetos.

*

Raelynn:

I read your story this morning.  I am so sorry for your predicament - RA, withdrawing ERT, deaths.  You need good news and I do not know if I can provide anything.  I felt compelled to at least express my sentiments to you to let you know that someone is reading your story and is concerned for you.

I have experienced many bad events and heartaches during my life yet when I see what I have compared to others it puts me in my place that I have no right to complain.

One point of shared experience is that hunt for a replacement doctor.  I had an internist nearly 15 years who handled my case.  I was in a car crash (1999), he insisted I take psychotic meds, I refused, so he wrote a letter telling me to find some other doctor.  Most physicians since then kept me for a few months or so; my current endo has kept me now since 2013 and makes me feel like an old timer.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

HUGGSS too.

*

Necro-posting! I'm still alive! Anyone interested in updates?

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G870A using Tapatalk

 HUGS Rae That's all I have for you. Many Hugs.

   Thank you for sharing that with us. Sad as it is. It touched my heart and made me want to reach out to you.
   I lost my handicapped son a couple years ago. He lived in a group home down in California near his Mom. I haven't talked to her since leaving there a few months after our divorce so the word got to ma through my daughter. I hadn't seen him in many years and with his handicap he would not have recognized me anyway. But that doesn't mean I didn't love him and wasn't deeply hurt by his passing. It is a horrible feeling and made worse by guilt over my not being able to visit and spend time with him for so long.
   So Rae what I am trying to say is I feel your pain.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette