Susan's Place Transgender Resources

YAY, another one of my post! Let the drag begin, no Queen needed! ;)

So blahblah abuse, black sheep child growing up. My life got better though, and as the child you hold against parents, even when they do try. My life not to dwell, but I had that sometimes love & support.. Coated with many not so pleasant times. Off that, it still goes on but here we go.

So I developed bulimia in my teenage years, I was gaining weight. Love was showed to me by food and pretty much that. Materialistic presents/gifts also. My family can appreciate it easily, and I get it. I do. I have never had someone to bond to, till this day. My mother being constantly gone, growing up with a guy, who later became the family man, I did so much growing up by myself. Minus our traumas, and naivety I was lost.

I hold no resentment, but I do have these goals of finding peace of mind with my family. We never formed a relationship, they could tell you my favorite foods (Learning to laugh at it all), my "favorite team", hobbies and interest but not much about me. Maybe personal and interpersonal communications but all based solely on opinion and critique. I just see it, but it is hard being the only person to see an aspect of a family and be considered overly sensitive or too emotional. I am not trying ever to over analyze anything, but the problems still remain. They get along fine, but I am not only a black sheep because I decided to take a stand. Sure I messed up, but the standards are held differently, not sure high or higher. Not once have I been confided in, just expected to grow up. Hurt people, hurt for reasons. Not to dwell on.

So I was gaining weight and to the little knowledge then I had, I was being much more honest to my identity. I always felt woman, knew I was maturing into a woman, or the expectancy of what is, stared at my body picking out masculine features and becoming angry. Then towards the end of my High School years, I really fell for this one guy. We could actually have time together, and I grew a bond. But I was naive and diving into what I called love so fast. Naive. People low key outed me, and I always wad psychic but I am hush. Even now. Just hush. I have many more insecurities, I feel like I am not "good enough to transition", ugly, too muscular, rough around every edge due to a homeless situation.. I felt I have lost years of my life, still. No intimate life experiences with people. Hard to stay steady, I continuously search for a place that "feels right". No grass is greener, just a place to go, ah.. Then start my life, which I have no clue, but a job seems to be a start and my only focus.

So yes, start purging my food after eating my emotions and feeding my longing for love. I feel worse and take advantage of it.  to purge, multiple times a day. My teeth is a reason I stopped, and my whole family hearing my or knowing of me purging. Then it became a cry for help, and my brother makes a mini rap of me, and how much I "like to throw up". I felt so helpless, I smiled but someone can literally strip me bare and I am obedient to forgive or signal some white flag, symbolizing hey, you may have an issue but please let love, not war. So hippie, I know.

So yea, I moved to Los Angeles, this is all about my eating disorder. Of course there are many reasons. I move to LA, able to transition much more comfortably and my eating disorder goes away. Yet, peaked its head at very invasive and stressful times. I ultimately quit though. Maybe once since I left, ok twice? No more than that. I felt I could think better also, so no need to run or hide.

So I face much and I mean MUCH RIDICULE, I am a person when I feel bad, I hide it. I try my best to make others feel better. Oh, when I am hurt, I act out, not so much for attention but a hey, I exist too. I wad under the watchful eye, I stole, but knew I was always under surveillance, gave the bird many times, I just try to hurt those I feel are hurting me. I even fronted as if i were going to give myself up on craigslist, and went out to "prostitute". Bad but I actually would rather not, and I actually avoid that very well. I am slow, years slow depending on how fast I become frustrated. I have yet to rest, be myself. I am not looking for the American Dream, I really just wanted my transition and I latched onto others expectations. As God as my witness. I went across states attempting to find where I would fit in. Still looking, and now back at the house I was raised in for a majority of my life, even more aged, actually broke in terms of money, under extreme stress and being a "public figure". Oh and in transition, which we know is time captivating. I deal with so many personalities, those who are supportive of ME, those who could care the dame just see my intentions and honesty, and those who want to change me and break me down, literally kill me. If you are not for me, you are against me, right?

So i actually have been purging again. This will probably be out into the world soon, i am hacked, and that is fine. See, and i shouldn't be stressed. I actually have no clue the reasons why. Good guesses is all.


The good ol' ganja seems to help me simmer down, sucks that it is a small town and I have nothing to my name. So broke and stuck? I want to walk out and talk to people, venture off, do something, live again. But i am so concentrated on money that i really do not get s time to. Yes, watching videos on YouTube, planning to take over the world matters. Not so alone with hackers right. I am in an alternate dimension with how much i can read or see. Abilities most doubt exist, or not. I just spew out all of my life, it gives me relief.

Any resources or places to help me get my life together? I just want a job and to transition.

Worn out, will not ever be evil but seems as though others want you to.

Through it All. Much Love .. Flaws & All  ❤