Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Amy85 on February 17, 2015, 01:08:29 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Long Time Lurker Back Again
Post by: Amy85 on February 17, 2015, 01:08:29 AM
Post by: Amy85 on February 17, 2015, 01:08:29 AM
Well hello everyone :)
I joined Susan's originally sometime around 2009 and spent quite a while lurking and really just reading everything I could. I identified as a crossdresser (who was deep in the closet) and ended up posting just a few times before eventually leaving the site.
A quick summary of who I am and where I am in life. I am nearing the end of my 20's quite soon and have had feelings of wanting to be a woman since around age 10 which intensified during puberty. I coped by stealthily crossdressing when I could. That expanded to an entire wardrobe that easily outsozed my male one once I moved into my own apartment after college. I spent my 20's avoiding any kind of romantic relationships due to what I though were my perverted desires. Honestly, dressing was half about expressing my feminine side and half a sexual thrill, because I find I can only be truly turned on when I view myself as a woman. I've never had an orgasm when in the masculine role.
After my time lurking around these forums I had gained some wisdom on what it meant when someone was transgender but I that felt I was not, that I was just messed up somehow and crossdressing is the band aid I use in private to deal with this side of myself. I did gain some comfort in knowing that I was not alone in my desires to dress in womens clothes though... So I continued dressing in private and being a normal man as far as the world could see.
Last fall I met a woman. We have been together for 3 months now and since the first time I met her I have rid my life of all my womens clothes, etc and deleted any accounts on websites that were in the name of Amy, my online persona that I used to explore that side of myself. I strived to be done with all of that and be a normal man for her. There is a problem though. As much as I like her and am attracted to her I do not really enjoy the sex. I get turned on when getting close to her, during foreplay, but when it comes time for the main event I have trouble maintining an erection and it ends a little disappointingly. No doubt this is because of my long time issues with my gender role in sex. This last little while has been bad. I've been feeling that feeling again, like Amy is inside me crying and pounding at the walls of her jailcell. I'm getting depressed again, a problem I haven't had much in the last few years and was hoping I was rid of.
So... now I'm sitting here and actually considering something I always knew was probably the smart move but never had the courage to try. I'm looking into the possibility of seeing a therapist trained in gender issues to try and help me work some things out and figure out what the hell I am and what I can do in life to make everything fit right :/ I still don't know if it will mean transitioning eventually or accepting that I need to crossdress sometimes to scratch that itch, or some secret coping mechanism or drug that will help with those feelings. (Wouldn't that be nice?) I don't know if I will ever find a working relationship and I fear the one I am in now is doomed to failure :( which hurts because my girlfriend is really amazing... :(
Well, that's all I have to say about that. (I recently rewatched Forrest Gump :P lol)
I'm back at Susans to do some more reading and maybe ask some questions this time :)
So... hi! :)
I joined Susan's originally sometime around 2009 and spent quite a while lurking and really just reading everything I could. I identified as a crossdresser (who was deep in the closet) and ended up posting just a few times before eventually leaving the site.
A quick summary of who I am and where I am in life. I am nearing the end of my 20's quite soon and have had feelings of wanting to be a woman since around age 10 which intensified during puberty. I coped by stealthily crossdressing when I could. That expanded to an entire wardrobe that easily outsozed my male one once I moved into my own apartment after college. I spent my 20's avoiding any kind of romantic relationships due to what I though were my perverted desires. Honestly, dressing was half about expressing my feminine side and half a sexual thrill, because I find I can only be truly turned on when I view myself as a woman. I've never had an orgasm when in the masculine role.
After my time lurking around these forums I had gained some wisdom on what it meant when someone was transgender but I that felt I was not, that I was just messed up somehow and crossdressing is the band aid I use in private to deal with this side of myself. I did gain some comfort in knowing that I was not alone in my desires to dress in womens clothes though... So I continued dressing in private and being a normal man as far as the world could see.
Last fall I met a woman. We have been together for 3 months now and since the first time I met her I have rid my life of all my womens clothes, etc and deleted any accounts on websites that were in the name of Amy, my online persona that I used to explore that side of myself. I strived to be done with all of that and be a normal man for her. There is a problem though. As much as I like her and am attracted to her I do not really enjoy the sex. I get turned on when getting close to her, during foreplay, but when it comes time for the main event I have trouble maintining an erection and it ends a little disappointingly. No doubt this is because of my long time issues with my gender role in sex. This last little while has been bad. I've been feeling that feeling again, like Amy is inside me crying and pounding at the walls of her jailcell. I'm getting depressed again, a problem I haven't had much in the last few years and was hoping I was rid of.
So... now I'm sitting here and actually considering something I always knew was probably the smart move but never had the courage to try. I'm looking into the possibility of seeing a therapist trained in gender issues to try and help me work some things out and figure out what the hell I am and what I can do in life to make everything fit right :/ I still don't know if it will mean transitioning eventually or accepting that I need to crossdress sometimes to scratch that itch, or some secret coping mechanism or drug that will help with those feelings. (Wouldn't that be nice?) I don't know if I will ever find a working relationship and I fear the one I am in now is doomed to failure :( which hurts because my girlfriend is really amazing... :(
Well, that's all I have to say about that. (I recently rewatched Forrest Gump :P lol)
I'm back at Susans to do some more reading and maybe ask some questions this time :)
So... hi! :)
Title: Re: Long Time Lurker Back Again
Post by: Ms Grace on February 17, 2015, 03:30:52 AM
Post by: Ms Grace on February 17, 2015, 03:30:52 AM
Hey Amy
Welcome back to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
Sadly, as many of us have found - you may try to bottle the gender issues up but they still pop out when those triggers are hit. Hope you find the help and answers you are looking for.
Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...
Cheers
Grace
Welcome back to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
Sadly, as many of us have found - you may try to bottle the gender issues up but they still pop out when those triggers are hit. Hope you find the help and answers you are looking for.
Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Cheers
Grace
Title: Re: Long Time Lurker Back Again
Post by: V M on February 17, 2015, 04:14:18 AM
Post by: V M on February 17, 2015, 04:14:18 AM
Hi Amy :icon_wave:
Welcome back to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome back to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Long Time Lurker Back Again
Post by: Amy85 on February 17, 2015, 04:36:18 AM
Post by: Amy85 on February 17, 2015, 04:36:18 AM
Thanks, it's good to be back. I always did like this site :P
Title: Re: Long Time Lurker Back Again
Post by: Paula L on February 17, 2015, 05:29:53 AM
Post by: Paula L on February 17, 2015, 05:29:53 AM
hi Amy do hope you can find your ballance I have been a crossdresser most all my life have found it can be buried for a while but cant really be turned off I am divorced noe partly due to my crossdressing I have been lucky enough to have found some girls that except my crosssdressing and occasionally have a girls night with and it has been a big help for me if you can try the therapist go for it may help you become who you were ment to be Have you ever mentioned crossdressing to your girlfriend?
Title: Re: Long Time Lurker Back Again
Post by: Mariah on February 17, 2015, 07:23:34 AM
Post by: Mariah on February 17, 2015, 07:23:34 AM
Hi Amy, Welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing around the site. Hugs
Mariah
Mariah
Title: Re: Long Time Lurker Back Again
Post by: Amy85 on February 17, 2015, 08:25:21 AM
Post by: Amy85 on February 17, 2015, 08:25:21 AM
Quote from: Paula L on February 17, 2015, 05:29:53 AM
hi Amy...
...Have you ever mentioned crossdressing to your girlfriend?
I haven't told her actually. When we started dating I thought I had put it all behind me and that I didn't need to bring up that whole mess. Now I'm not sure what to think and telling her will probably be one item of discussion with potential future therapists.
Title: Re: Long Time Lurker Back Again
Post by: mrs izzy on February 17, 2015, 10:58:08 AM
Post by: mrs izzy on February 17, 2015, 10:58:08 AM
Amy
Welcome to Susan's family.
So many topics to explore and posts to read or write. :icon_paper:
Many article of news, wiki, links and chat
Safe passage on your path.
Hugs
Welcome to Susan's family.
So many topics to explore and posts to read or write. :icon_paper:
Many article of news, wiki, links and chat
Safe passage on your path.
Hugs
Title: Re: Long Time Lurker Back Again
Post by: gennee on February 17, 2015, 11:38:37 AM
Post by: gennee on February 17, 2015, 11:38:37 AM
Welcome to Susan's, Amy. I haven't transitioned (don't plan to) but I enjoy being the transgender woman that I am. Not everybody wants to transition but have found their comfort area. I wish you the best in your search for answers.
:)
:)
Title: Re: Long Time Lurker Back Again
Post by: Amy85 on February 17, 2015, 08:11:53 PM
Post by: Amy85 on February 17, 2015, 08:11:53 PM
Thanks for the welcome back everyone :)
Title: Re: Long Time Lurker Back Again
Post by: Devlyn on February 19, 2015, 07:29:11 PM
Post by: Devlyn on February 19, 2015, 07:29:11 PM
Hi Amy, welcome back! I hope you stick around with us, remember, life is like a box of chocolates.....
Hugs, Devlyn
Hugs, Devlyn