Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello there ! Just a question here for anyone who realize they were trans later in life. Anyone here who realized it after their 25s or 30s? But actually who until that time never even wanted to be the opposite sex nor crossdressed and lived a straight life?

Thanks. Just asking since that's happening to me or at least I'm very confused. I actually don't have an answer at all and that's why I'm trying to gather info. Thanks again !

I've met many trans women who didn't start transition till their later years. I have a friend who started her transition in her 50's and she's much happier now. I know it's confusing but what makes you feel that you're transgendered?

I knew it all my life but only took steps to deal with it seriously (apart from dressing which I have been doing all along) in my 30s.

I'd suggest going back though the history of this site, as there's lots of posts that touch on this.

Personally I didn't realize it until quite late, but there were signs of it for decades. In retrospect it hard to understand why I didn't put it all together much earlier; I can only think I didn't want to.

I knew it since 16. Did spiro at 18 and 19. No money. Suffering to this day at 22 turning 23.

I've realized it when I was 27, started thinking about it when I was 25, but there was always something wrong with me, I just couldn't put my finger on it.
Maybe I didn't really realize this sooner because of my very hectic youth. I was a very troubled teenager with a very dysfunctional family and an environment
where everybody seemed to be the enemy. At one point I even dropped out of school only to finally get my degree years later. So yeah, it was hell, self-reflection
wasn't one of my top priorities. Also the fact that my parents are very religious, hence I was nurtured into homophobia I discarded only later in life. Hell, I only
accepted the fact that I'm a bisexual at 25, so yeah.

Now I'm 30 and a year of HRT is behind me. My life had improved tremendously because I've recently started to freelance in a profession I do best and am very passionate about.
So the money's not a problem anymore, which is probably one of the biggest improvements to my life next to my transition.

I started transition with 44, I am now 45. I knew since I can remember that I am a woman inside. But it took until end oif 2013 to realize that I can transition.

I now live stealth and much happier than ever before with a wonderful sex life :-)

Lara

I'm not transitioning, but I never thought about putting on women's clothes until my late 40s. It's interesting, going by the responses, to see what everyone considers late blooming. :)

Hugs, Devlyn

I was interested in girly stuff since i was about 12 or so, but i didn't know about transexuals and transgender people until i was about 27 or so, and then I started identifying with this. I was in a relationship at the time, and my girlfriend was not supportive of my transitioning, so I sort of was just   gender queer for a bit. Then i completely purged out of fear of loss and rejection, cut my hair, grew out my facial hair, went back to dressing like a normal guy, etc. Stop thinking about everything, and then i fell into a deep funk for about 5 years, thinking i could just live my life as a normal guy.  I didn't work out. We split up and now I'm about 6 months into my female transition and start HRT in 2 days!!

A member of my support group had no trans desires at all untill in her 30's during a role-play Miss-adventure, so to speak, with her wife. She said it was like a bolt of lightning hitting her when she first saw herself dressed

Knew as a 4 yo, for many reasons could not, did not do anything until very late forties / early 50's then went on HRT, still planning full transition, like I say many reasons why not, and scared to harm those I love!!!   :-\ recently out of 50's now  ;)

L Katy

I knew since I was 4, really considered it  at 14. Attempted first time at 24 out of the military. A really bad abusive relationship caused me to flee from that aspect of myself.

At 27 I started to cross dress again, but that simply wasn't enough. Went part time at 30, full time at 31.


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I've known since I was 5 or 6 and wanted to transition when I was a teen. After some traumatic experiences in my late teens I shoved it all into a dark hole in my psyche and began a life of unwitting self denial. But it kept popping up and I had no words for why I felt steadily worse about myself or why I was increasingly isolated. Just came to terms with it all now, mid 30's and have begun the transition process. I feel a heck of a lot better!

Quote from: SpiffyTiffy on March 08, 2015, 09:46:46 AM
I knew since I was 4, really considered it  at 14. Attempted first time at 24 out of the military. A really bad abusive relationship caused me to flee from that aspect of myself.

At 27 I started to cross dress again, but that simply wasn't enough. Went part time at 30, full time at 31.


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Tiffy, get ye to  Roll Call!  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,96755.0.html)  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

I'd love to hear the stories of those who did only thought about it later in life 25+ as compared to those who knew since little but didn't act on it. Because I've been always the opposite until recently. Always hated my male body but for the reason that I've always had more feminine features and was different than other male bodies. Genitalia? Because mine is a little smaller than usual and uglier than regular genitalia (such as fordyce spots and such)... so know that this goes around my head I feel depressed more than euforia.  Still trying yo find out if it's OCD or a reality. Thanks !

I was 32 when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'd cross-dressed a few times as a sex thing with my girlfriend who was bi (she talked me into it) and looking back I was never as *happy* about being male as my cis friends, but...  I still think I was a cis man for a while, I just changed.

I started transition about 3 months after I started thinking about this stuff, and for the longest time I figured I was probably faking it, but every step I took made me happier and less able to stand the idea of going back. Eventually I realized that I had to be trans, if I was more than halfway through transition and in a hurry to get to the end. :)

I am one of those to whom the revelation came very late in life.  Currently I believe I'm getting closer to identifying the approximate age questioning may have started but I may never know.  Quite possibly it is buried under too much other stuff, and I am in many ways happy to have just finally understood!  I grew up in a logging town on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State, a place of very rigid lifestyles, beliefs, and roles.  This was also in the 1950's which was a time period ripe for any idea of stepping outside the normal as being 'unthinkable'.  Family dysfunction contributed its own toxic nature to the mix, so I escaped in the only way I knew which was drug use.  I carried it to the extreme and hid within that insane and fractured world of meth, and this in its own sinister way acted like vultures, eating up any crumbs that led back towards sanity.

Move the clock forward another 33 years and I was finally able to dig down and find the strength to rid myself of this way of finding cover.  At about the 19 year mark, after uncovering who knows how much junk and doing my best to correct them, I discovered the gender situation.  I will not go into that scenario in this thread, but I began my mtf journey 9 months ago at age 62.

For the first time I'm happy.  I still have small bouts with those deep seated pangs of guilt and shame, but now within less than a minute I realize this is not the way I feel, it is because others placed it in me.   Dani 

I hear you Dani  :-*

L Katy

I feel like I'll never know for sure... and since my stories are way different than most trans I have no clue of what to do... Like for me it's the opposite, always hated having some more feminine features like wider hips, bigger butt and a tiny gyno. I'm just so confused cause inside I don't feel like a man at all. Before I thought I felt like a little boy who never matured. But since I've heard about what transsexualism really was... I can't stop realizing that the feeling that little boy inside of me is more like a girl. I don't know I'm so confused. Once you guys started to grasp the situation, did you actually hated those thoughts of feeling more feminine and wanted to actually changed them and wish you were just a regular man? Or it was more like wishing you were a woman in the first place and did not have to go through this?

Quote from: needhelp on March 08, 2015, 01:09:32 PM
I feel like I'll never know for sure... and since my stories are way different than most trans I have no clue of what to do... Like for me it's the opposite, always hated having some more feminine features like wider hips, bigger butt and a tiny gyno. I'm just so confused cause inside I don't feel like a man at all. Before I thought I felt like a little boy who never matured. But since I've heard about what transsexualism really was... I can't stop realizing that the feeling that little boy inside of me is more like a girl. I don't know I'm so confused. Once you guys started to grasp the situation, did you actually hated those thoughts of feeling more feminine and wanted to actually changed them and wish you were just a regular man? Or it was more like wishing you were a woman in the first place and did not have to go through this?

I never had any problems with it other than logistics. It just took me a long time to finally come to a realization. I was always like "such a silly thought, look at me: I'm a man!",
up until I could no longer ignore my true feelings. Were you by any chance brought up in a homophobic/fundamentalist environment? I know I have been (both), that would explain
the way you feel.

No, I never regretted being trans, nor do I wish I were born cis. I just want it to be over: transition is hell to be honest. HRT is worse: it's like puberty all over again, a lot of confusion.

I started transitioning when I was 27 (I'm 28 now). I tried being a straight cis guy before that because that was "normal". I was always frustrated and depressed, but I wasn't ever sure why. I was even suicidal for a while. I did feel like I was different, but I didn't know why. All I did know was that I was afraid of facing whatever was different about me because I wanted to fit in with others so much. Then it just clicked one day, and everything about my life before then made so much more sense. I'm much happier with my life since coming out and starting HRT, and there's nothing that could possibly convince me to go back to how things were before.

Quote from: Eevee on March 08, 2015, 01:25:05 PM
I started transitioning when I was 27 (I'm 28 now). I tried being a straight cis guy before that because that was "normal". I was always frustrated and depressed, but I wasn't ever sure why. I was even suicidal for a while. I did feel like I was different, but I didn't know why. All I did know was that I was afraid of facing whatever was different about me because I wanted to fit in with others so much. Then it just clicked one day, and everything about my life before then made so much more sense. I'm much happier with my life since coming out and starting HRT, and there's nothing that could possibly convince me to go back to how things were before.

I feel in exactly the same way. Nothing about me made sense before apart from my appearance.
Kudos, sister, kudos to you!

I knew at age 5 when I came out to my Mom, which did not go well. I almost transitioned in college but then put it off due to experiencing a lot of bigotry. I started HRT 3 days before my 50th birthday. I had to. Now May 28 is my birthday.

Well for you Eve and Aly... How is that you felt before when you say nothing made sense? And no. My family is very open minded in terms of sexuality and gender.

I realized later in life but probably knew for years without putting it all together. I just thought I was a pervert or maybe just got turned on by trans people. Used to see the olympic athletes make the news  for steroid use and develop breasts and think, hey if I did it that way, it was just a mistake, I wouldnt have to admit it. Its weird how the mind can play   tricks on you, bury those desires. Looking back I always knew the truth.  So stupid for so long, so many people making me feel ashamed and not knowing it. One word Denial!!!!

While I don't fit your requested mold, I figured I'd included an abbreviated version.  I knew since I was 3-ish that I wanted to grow up to be a woman.  I figured out at 6 that I didn't have a girls body.  I didn't know until I was 20 that there were other people like me.  I tried to live as a hetero man because I was afraid I wouldn't be happy with the result from transition, until 29, then I needed to get help.  Now I'm 31 and happier than I thought possible with my transition.  It's surreal.

Quote from: needhelp on March 08, 2015, 04:05:56 PM
Well for you Eve and Aly... How is that you felt before when you say nothing made sense? And no. My family is very open minded in terms of sexuality and gender.

I think your family's open mindedness is very cool.  Yes you do have to figure out yourself and who you want to be independently.  But having a family that will accept you after you make a decision is really helpful.  But before you can ask anyone else to accept you, you need to find a way to accept yourself.  It won't feel real or genuine unless you do.
I'd highly recommend finding a therapist the specializes in gender.
It sounds a lot like you are lumping all of transgenderdom into one category.  Not all transpeople are transsexual.  If you feel like you don't fit the cisgender male box, it's possible you are simply somewhere between male and female.  In order to figure out where you fit, perhaps experimentation is in order?
Dressing up in female clothes just to see how you feel with them on.  What feels right, what feels wrong?
Checking your hormone levels can be costly but sudden changes in hormone activity can have very big effects on your moods and psyche.
Altering your hormones with an anti androgen and estrogen (HRT) is a big step, but the initial month is pretty drastic at showing you how well you react to a different set of hormones.
Double check that you aren't suffering from body dysmorphia.  It's similar to gender dysphoria, but very different.
Everyone is different, there isn't one way to be transgender.  In fact, I think there are like 50 types people can pick on BookFace.  Be a snowflake.  Get professional help and your family's support.  It's a huge weight off your shoulders when you can tell anyone in person about your issues and have them listen.  If they are an expert who you trust that can tell you your not crazy, even better.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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I don't know this is so damn confusing :(... I wish I hadn't suffered from OCD because I know It would make my life decisions a little easier. Also, even though my family would accept it I think... I don't think I could put any family member through that... Like I feel like I'd never be able to look them at the face again... Another thing that I don't think I could deal with is with people judging me... I'm already very self-conscious... An also is the fact of not looking 100% woman or the fair of not passing... all that I don't know if I could deal with that :(... Thanks once again for the feedback!

This gets especially bad when I go to bed.. it's like I feel more girly then.. and when I wake up at night. It's kind of weird to explain.

I didn't have a clue that I was trans until I was in my early-mid 40s. Looking back now I can clearly see the signs, but they were subtle and there was no information available to me back then to put the pieces together. I went along for years knowing that something was wrong but not knowing what it was. Now i'm 52 and I went full time about 6 months ago. I lost a 27 year marriage in the process (not by my choice) but got rid of the horrible dysphoria that was killing me one drink at a time. My life is different now, but in a good way!  :)

Oh this sounds like a discussion with the psychiatrist who referred me to the GIC!

I cant quite say exactly but do remember when I was about eleven or twelve clearly wishing I was a girl and secretively trying on clothes (my mother collected and sorted second hand clothes for local charities so there were boxes of them in the garage!). Since staring transition though I've identified various traits much earlier than that now make sense. It is only in the last few years though, now in my 40's, that I've taken active steps to transition.

For me growing up in a conservative rural town in southern England I never had any self concept that it would be possible to transition. Anything gender variant was simply viewed as freaky and perverted. So I just kept it all hidden and tried to live my life, not very successfully either. .

It wasn't that I didn't realise I was trans when I was younger I just didn't have a label for it then. And to actually transition was just off the radar. I am 100% confident that if I was 12 or 14 years old now I'd be telling my parents that i wanted to transition.

I had no idea. My 'sissyness' was suppressed thoroughly six months after my mother dropped me off at my grandparents when I was four. When I heard my grandfather tell my grandmother, you can't keep coddling the boy, he'll grow up a sissy and NO one will want him around. I have no idea what I did that would have brought about that conversation, I don't remember much before then, I changed drastically after that though. I had learned that family can give you away, and I wasn't about to go through that again. I have been told of a lipstick incident, but I don't remember it. Was told that when I was three, I put lipstick on my baby brother, 'Because I already had a brother, and wanted a sister, like me.' Then when I was seven at summer camp, there was a dress incident.

Puberty was horrible for me, I thought that I was evil because of how wrong I felt. Angry as a teen. I had always accepted that I was a boy, just really messed up. I did everything that I was supposed to, and still felt wrong. As time went on, yes there were times starting in my twenties, that I consciously felt like a girl, and wanted it. Then I would hide from it again, usually with alcohol. It wasn't until a year ago, 44 at the time, that I gave in.

Yes, I have very feminine features. Hips bigger by a good bit than my waist and a big butt. Tiny hands and feet, and small genitals. No one ever made fun of me, and I never had any trouble getting girls. Being with women was always very uncomfortable for me though. Never had sex much, even in my 16 year marriage.

From the time that I accepted though, it was like a bell went off inside of me. There was no looking back after that, no desire to be a man.

Not sure if that helps.

I realized at age 24, then tried to put it away for a lot of different reasons until it came back last fall after I had been deeply unhappy the entire time and I was in a position to start doing something about it. Before age 24, my "trans feelings" were pretty vague and I did not exactly recognize them as "trans feelings." Looking back there might have been some clues, like wanting to be rid of facial hair (since puberty), occasionally wearing women's underwear, preferring to look at myself in the mirror tucked rather than un-tucked, feeling more comfortable around women (but had plenty of male friends too), often being clocked as gay or effeminate by classmates, a vague feeling that I would be happier if I were a female. I didn't wear princess dresses as a child or play with dolls (I'm not entirely sure about the last one, but in any case I still preferred stereotypical male toys). My personality is kind of socially awkward, shy, and nerdy. I am now seeing a therapist, have gone out dressed in female clothing, and have gone through 3 hours of electrolysis. Sometimes I still wonder if I am just crazy because my story isn't like the story of other trans women who knew they were female, played with dolls, wore dresses, and were intensely dysphoric since age 4. Still, there is no reason why a female couldn't enjoy the same stereotypical "male" interests I did and it doesn't sound like I am the only trans woman who didn't realize they were trans until they were in their 20's. 

Its something I always knew, just due to fears, anxiety, social pressures just never happened till now(26). Feeling a lot better now that I am in transition.

How about these as possible exercises?

A) Look at yourself in the mirror.  While looking, say out loud, "I am a boy."
     Pause.  Examine how that made you feel.
     Look in the mirror again, and say out loud, "I am a girl."
     Examine how that made you feel, the compare the two.

B) Because you mentioned before you sleep, this may work better.
    First you'll need to buy a few things.  Scented oils/bath salts, something like a nightgown, fragrant soap/shampoo/conditioner.  Pick scents and fragrances you like as well.
    Before you go to bed for the night, take a feminine bath, but don't overdo the oils / fragrances pungency.  Dress in something like a nightgown and go to sleep after thoroughly pampering yourself.  The lingering scents that cling to you will probably be enough to subtly encourage femininity enough to make an impression on you or alter your sleep.
  The next day, you can find some way to bathe yourself in masculine smells and try again that night with a reverse effect.


Lastly, it sounds like you are having a mixture of identity crisis and depression, and because of that self acceptance is very important.  Do your best to not be self-deprecating.  For every negative thing you think about yourself, try to think of a positive one.  Or if you are not at a place to egalitarian with yourself, volunteer to help people for charity.  Find ways you can feel good about yourself through your actions if not internally.  I've struggled with borderline OCD and depressive thoughts as well, and helping other people always boosts my confidence and self esteem even when I'm suffering.
Also, I know it sounds stupid, but if you say out loud, "I'm awesome" in any context enough times, it can positively affect your view of yourself.
The answer to, "You're here early today?" Can be, "Because I'm awesome!"  Enough repetitions of this positivity in many situations, and you'll get in the habit of not negative talking in your head.

It's very alluring to try to find an easy solution, but there isn't one.  Find the courage to be introspective and work on accepting of yourself.  Personally, I think some feminine traits are sexy on a guy, Gaston isn't my type [emoji1] The trick is finding the balance to where you feel happy expressing yourself.  Don't call yourself a sissy.  Don't shame or blame yourself.  You are who you are, there are so many things that go into making us who we are that it is pointless to try to find culprits to point fingers at.
When I get really down, hugs have always helped me nearly instantly feel better.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from Katie's iPad using Tapatalk

Quote from: needhelp on March 08, 2015, 04:05:56 PM
Well for you Eve and Aly... How is that you felt before when you say nothing made sense?

Nothing made sense mostly because I felt like there was something very wrong with me. I felt it both physically and mentally, like something didn't line up. I was always awkward whenever I tried to be the person that I was expected to be. I knew that I wasn't really living the life I should be living, but I wasn't sure how to get there either. I had no guidance and everyone was trying to keep me on the same path that always felt wrong. It wasn't until I started to embrace the idea of femininity that my family tried to keep from me that I started to feel more comfortable with myself... until I looked down at my body again. Then I started to figure out exactly what was wrong and why I was always so depressed. Also, I do blame my parents a lot, but I was also in heavy denial because I didn't want to be "different".

In short, it was just a long journey through years of being lost without a guide or a clue.

The thing is that... I really don't have an answer, not yet at least. I do know that if I don't think about it enough I just don't label myself (feminine, masculine) but if I pay attention to it I do feel very feminine (inside). My voice is deep, never really felt like being flamboyant or anything. One thing to add maybe... Since I was little I liked girls, however when I was around 10 or so... I had an incident where people put me aside out of a team, and I was crying but this boy came and spent some time with me. At that time I felt happy, like taken care of and thought I liked boys. Told my Dad and he took me to a psychologist friend of his just to chat about it. Anyhow, I don't remember what I talked there but I do remember that I kept liking women a lot... I actually was horny all the time through puberty. The one thing however is that at 17 or 18 the gay thoughts came back. Since then I've never acted on them since I don't want to be with a man... so with my psychologist we think it's something called HOCD. However, I can tell that I feel secure around men, especially confident men, and I'm pretty sure that that feeling is the one a woman feels around a man that takes care of her... This is what kind of triggers some doubts on me. That maybe if I was to transition I would be with men, maybe both but accept it that way. I do know that what caused all my de realization symptoms is anxiety caused by having asked myself over the past 10 years if I'm gay or not and not having an answer.
The other thing is that even thought my family would accept it, I know it would hurt them. Like maybe them worrying for me, for my future, for if they did something wrong (since not everyone understands that this things can't be changed or really fought). I do not think however my brother would, and even thought if they all did, I feel like things wouldn't be the same anymore. I care a lot about others and I don't think I could live with that.
Also the thought of not being totally perfect, you know like having a vagina that was created by doctors, and not looking 100% woman, I don't know if I could live with those things either. I'll talk to my doctor but I'll give myself sometime before I do anything, at least until I'm living by myself next year and have enough income to pay for a gender therapist and such.

I didn't know I was trans* until about a year ago at age 56.   I knew there were some weird things happening in my life, but I had repressed it all form an early age, and could never allow my mind to think about what it was all about.  Now I look back to the cross-dressing, to fantasizing what it would be like to be that girl I just passed - it obviously was there all the time and affected my whole life.  But the way my mind was - the repression - made it impossible to consider any of this in any rational way.  I compartmentalized all this behavior and considered myself a normal, healthy, but rather strange guy. 

Then a little over a year ago the wall of repression weakened, I began to see past the blinders and see what my life was all about.  Now, with a lot of self-examination, time, and work with my therapist I have accepted myself as a trans woman and have worked past a lot of the related shame issues and have begun transition.

I hate the fact that the repression kept me from doing this when I was younger.  But I look forward to the coming years when I am allowed to be myself.

Well, I'm glad I'm not a freak for not knowing it sooner. Rather I'm a freak for different reasons entirely...
I'm actually interested in distribution of early vs late bloomers, math-minded, gotta have my math, it's like heroin to me.

Obfuskatie......
Wow, I. Figured it out before now, but your little exercise looking in the mirror saying I am a boy...was like "ok I know I am" :-\...
Then I said I am a girl....it was like butterflys, excitement and a smile on my face,... :laugh:...a warm comfort came over me
...wow, if thats not confirmation...lol... Funny I just had to try it...

Quote from: stephee72 on March 09, 2015, 09:24:43 PM
Obfuskatie......
Wow, I. Figured it out before now, but your little exercise looking in the mirror saying I am a boy...was like "ok I know I am" :-\...
Then I said I am a girl....it was like butterflys, excitement and a smile on my face,... :laugh:...a warm comfort came over me
...wow, if thats not confirmation...lol... Funny I just had to try it...

I tried it too! Just for fun. The juxtaposition was wonderful. I did it before and after work and it just made me feel so good! Boy = sad pit in my stomach, Girl = joyfull and ebullient, giddy comfort.

Kellum
Crazy how well that worked huh... ;D... No doubt in my mind who I am supposed to be.

Quote from: stephee72 on March 10, 2015, 06:10:16 PM
Kellum
Crazy how well that worked huh... ;D... No doubt in my mind who I am supposed to be.

Indeed!

Well, so sorry I keep asking. But the more information I have the more I can put the pieces together. Once again, for those who responded that yes this was a realization later in life... where you usually shy or lacked self confidence and could not realize why? I've felt like that all the time. While most men compete for who's the best and their ideas and values, I sit in a corner and prefer not to give my own opinion. I also care a lot about how I look and check the mirror all the time (kind of like women do). I'm not aggressive at all. I'm not feminine in terms of how I present myself. I feel inferior around men, like I don't stare men I don't know in the eyes passing by a hallway because it gives me this sensation of fear I don't know... I don't know that is are the facts that show that I have a female brain/mind in a male body.

Thanks again !

Even though I had a waxing and waining awareness of  why I felt how I felt I was often perplexed by the experiences you just described as they happened to me. You described me to a tee. I prefer consensus to one upsmanship, I could never understand male competition. I don't stare anyone in the eyes I glance, smile and look away. I have always been intimidated by men. I often feel like a child around them. Shyness and self deprecation are cornerstones of my personality. I can be assertive but I don't like to push others around. I often watched how my brother and father interact and wonder just what the hell is going on. My boss was always complaining when he'd put me in charge of a team building something that I didn't assert my opinion above others. I always want the people I work with to feel included in what we are doing. When I was younger I played soccer and was quite good, but couldn't comprehend why my own teammates would be so agressive with me after a game. Even if we had won and I had been instrumental it seemed that was never enough. I didn't want to think that this was female behavior because my mother is a staunch femminist and a bit of a gender non conformist. I am always worried about hurting the feelings of others.

I hope this helps even thoughh I'm not who you wanted to hear from...

Did any of these changed after you transitioned? I mean.. I don't want to have a female body I think.. I'm confused lol.. but at the same time I feel like not really a man inside. Like you are saying like a little kid but the more I think of it the more it feels like a woman rather than a little kid.

I suppose the little kid feeling was when I wasn't so aware of being trans the more I became aware of myself the more female that relation felt. And I haven't even started hrt yet although I should be starting soon. I have only gone as far as presentation and am part way through coming out. I did a very good job of repressing my memories and self awareness for a good long while, alcohol abuse helped that. I have however made peace with all the confused thoughts. I acepted myself for who I am. I know why I don't fit in with the boys, because I am not a boy, I'm a woman.

From what you are saying did you have any wishes of being a woman when you were a child? Or something similar? I fit with men. It s just some aspects that I can't cope with. Like I was never able to fight even for fun back in high school and such. But nothing at all such as wanting to be a woman ever crossed my mind before. Not even when those famous transsexuals were appearing on TV in shows and such.

Around the pre teens to mid/late teens I did know yes. And I wanted to transition but I had so much guilt, shame and fear. I was very close with my younger brother so I just followed his lead. He  unwittingly taught me how to fake being manly, how to take a punch etc. When he caught me (found a clothing stash and a diary) was when I buried everything and began the self destructive path that carried me into my 30's. That's when I started to reawaken and remember.

That's what I meant by saying that I know I'm not who you were really querying, I just saw similarities and thought I'd share that with you. I am sorry if that wasn't helpful, I meant no disrespect.

No please it does help ! Thanks a lot ! Here what I'm trying to find is some cues. Maybe someone who actually feels similar to me. Since I've had OCD all my life it's very hard for me to tell from real thoughts and unreal ones. And while some say HRT is the time to see if it's right or not... if I was to do it and he wrong idk if I could deal with the outcome of the hormones either. I'll still talk to my regular therapy and see a gender ones within the next year when I have my money.

Arghhh still so confused however. It's as if I know I don't want to be a woman but I'm feeling like one. And it doesn't feel bad but it's like Idk.. I'm leaning more towards not wanting to be one and be just a normal male if I could so I don't get what's wrong in my head.. I could not believe that OCD could do this. Like I don't think it has that much power to accomplish a feeling like this..

Quote from: needhelp on March 11, 2015, 09:06:49 AM
Well, so sorry I keep asking. But the more information I have the more I can put the pieces together. Once again, for those who responded that yes this was a realization later in life... where you usually shy or lacked self confidence and could not realize why?

Yes I was always shy, always afraid to talk about how I really felt about things.  I think I spent most of my life just trying to please others.   I never could fit in with others.  always felt left out.   And, no, I never understood why.

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I've felt like that all the time. While most men compete for who's the best and their ideas and values, I sit in a corner and prefer not to give my own opinion.

I seldom gave my opinion, but when I knew better I would tell them.   I wasn't into competition.  I hated those early high schol years when all the guys were pushing each other around and asserting themselves physically.   It never made any sense to me.

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I also care a lot about how I look and check the mirror all the time (kind of like women do). I'm not aggressive at all. I'm not feminine in terms of how I present myself. I feel inferior around men, like I don't stare men I don't know in the eyes passing by a hallway because it gives me this sensation of fear I don't know... I don't know that is are the facts that show that I have a female brain/mind in a male body.

Thanks again !

Well, I was never aggressive.   But I eventually learned to stand up to others (bluff) - I wouldn't have survived my school otherwise.     I always hated fighting and all the physical aggression of the teen years.   

Each of us is different.  Don't try to decide whether you are transgender or not by how well you match the rest of us.

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Did any of these changed after you transitioned? I mean.. I don't want to have a female body I think.. I'm confused lol.. but at the same time I feel like not really a man inside. Like you are saying like a little kid but the more I think of it the more it feels like a woman rather than a little kid.

I realized I was trans in a very roundabout way.  I did not understand the girl in a guy's body trope, I did not consciously know I wanted to be  a woman.   It was only as I worked with a gender therapist and began to look deep into myself and trust my intuitive, unconscious self that I began to discover I had left my real identity behind, hide it, repressed it.  And as I god in touch with my true self I found that I am a she.

I am still early in transition, but, yes, everything changed.  And that without the hormones.  I learned to accept myself as a woman.  As my female side emerged from where she was hidden I began to like myself, I began to have something worth while living for.    The hormone have begun to give me confidence in myself.  Or maybe just working through some of the issues of the past and coming to accept myself as I am gave me the confidence.

If you want to find out, find someone to work with and start making baby steps in releasing your feminine side.  If you are trans yo will likely feel better doing so, 

Well, I suppose I haven't shared my story yet, but it fits in this discussion so here it goes.

Almost three years ago (about 30 at the time) I was hanging out with some friends drinking beer and grilling up some food. At some point one of them said that one of the guys from the band Against Me was planning to turn into a woman. I was a big fan of several of their albums. I remember it really catching me by surprise, but I didn't think much about it that day. The next day while I was in the shower getting ready for work it came to mind again. I remember thinking, "That's so weird. How does someone decide to do that?" I looked down at my body and imagined seeing myself with boobs and a more feminine shape. I almost jumped and fell over in shock at how much I liked the idea. It was all I could think about that day as well as the next two. How did I not realize these feelings before? Are they real? I'm so tall. How could I ever pass? On and on it went until I told myself I that I don't have to make a decision right now.

The feelings of dysphoria would subside for months at a time and then crop up again for several days before they would once again subside. This went on for two years. Last spring those feeling really came back with a vengeance. "I JUST WANT TO BE A WOMAN!!!" was my immediate thought as I awoke in the middle of the night with tears already streaming down my face. I managed to calm myself and fall back to sleep after a while, but that bout of dysphoria was longer and much more intense than any time prior. It came back again the next month even more intense which is when I came to this site because I was at such a loss as to how I should deal with the feelings. Then it came once more the next month and I decided it was time to see a therapist. Unfortunately the feelings subsided before I got into see her so we weren't able to make any progress on that front. I didn't have insurance and didn't have enough money to continue long.

I haven't made any progress since. I really want to do more therapy sessions before I make any decisions because I still have fear and reservations about going through with HRT. I just feel so overwhelmed every time I think about all of this, but I also know I need to do something because the dysphoria has occasionally made me feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

I do have to say that since I had my first bout of dysphoria in the shower three years ago, I've looked back and noticed a number things about myself that I hadn't recognized before. For example, I remember looking at myself in the mirror when I was 21 and wishing I was more attractive. Not just any kind of improvement, I wanted to be pretty. I wanted more feminine facial features. I think part of they reason it took me so long to connect the dots is that I (mostly) consider myself heterosexual, and due to lack of exposure, I thought only gay people ever wanted to change.

Well, this has been exhausting.

Daisy Jane. If you didn't mind I'd appreciate if you told me about other things you've realized of your past years once this thought came to your mind ! I just feel like what you're saying sounds a little bit more like me and maybe it could help me? I see that you use a female name so do you consider yourself a woman now? Thanks a lot !

And Kaydee. Thanks again for your reply. In terms of feminine behavior... all I can think about is that I like catchy songs from pop feminine artists in a sense that I imagine myself dancing to it all cool and such like professional dancers idk lol... Even though I can't dance haha.. But I've been feeling very weird when I wake up up nights.. like I wake up and I feel a woman.. again I don't know of its my subconscious obsessing about it or me.

Daisy Jane is just a name I use here. The nickname I go by is kinda unisex and I actually really like it, so I may just slightly alter my name so I don't have a guys name on my drivers license.

I don't consider myself a man or a woman. Somewhere on the spectrum I guess since I don't feel any dysphoria about my genitalia. Even before the thought that I might not see myself as male crossed my mind, I've never really considered myself a "man." I've felt that a lot of my guy behaviors were just an act that I needed to put on in order to properly navigate social situations. I know there are more thing, but I haven't been sleeping well and I'm drawing a blank at the moment.

I would also like to add that I tend to not be the most self-aware person which is probably why I didn't connect the dots until the last few years when I felt like I got smacked in the face with it.

I didn't consciously know til I was almost 37. So I struggle sometimes with not being able to have those stories about talking to my parents about how I wanted to be a little girl when I was 6, etc...but maybe they are hidden somewhere? (What started the process for me was first realizing that i was attracted to men about 6 months prior. So I had a double whammy. Sexuality and Gender!)

Im 38 now and I have been on HRT since January.

I still question it constantly, but I think it is only fear. I guess if I hid it so deeply from myself, then my fear must be quite strong.

I grew up in the midwest, Catholic, and don't ever remember seeing a transgender person growing up. It didn't help matter that I had an alcoholic dad, either...

Quote from: Daisy Jane on March 15, 2015, 10:33:47 PM
Well, I suppose I haven't shared my story yet, but it fits in this discussion so here it goes.

Almost three years ago (about 30 at the time) I was hanging out with some friends drinking beer and grilling up some food. At some point one of them said that one of the guys from the band Against Me was planning to turn into a woman. I was a big fan of several of their albums. I remember it really catching me by surprise, but I didn't think much about it that day. The next day while I was in the shower getting ready for work it came to mind again. I remember thinking, "That's so weird. How does someone decide to do that?" I looked down at my body and imagined seeing myself with boobs and a more feminine shape. I almost jumped and fell over in shock at how much I liked the idea. It was all I could think about that day as well as the next two. How did I not realize these feelings before? Are they real? I'm so tall. How could I ever pass? On and on it went until I told myself I that I don't have to make a decision right now.

The feelings of dysphoria would subside for months at a time and then crop up again for several days before they would once again subside. This went on for two years. Last spring those feeling really came back with a vengeance. "I JUST WANT TO BE A WOMAN!!!" was my immediate thought as I awoke in the middle of the night with tears already streaming down my face. I managed to calm myself and fall back to sleep after a while, but that bout of dysphoria was longer and much more intense than any time prior. It came back again the next month even more intense which is when I came to this site because I was at such a loss as to how I should deal with the feelings. Then it came once more the next month and I decided it was time to see a therapist. Unfortunately the feelings subsided before I got into see her so we weren't able to make any progress on that front. I didn't have insurance and didn't have enough money to continue long.

I haven't made any progress since. I really want to do more therapy sessions before I make any decisions because I still have fear and reservations about going through with HRT. I just feel so overwhelmed every time I think about all of this, but I also know I need to do something because the dysphoria has occasionally made me feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

I do have to say that since I had my first bout of dysphoria in the shower three years ago, I've looked back and noticed a number things about myself that I hadn't recognized before. For example, I remember looking at myself in the mirror when I was 21 and wishing I was more attractive. Not just any kind of improvement, I wanted to be pretty. I wanted more feminine facial features. I think part of they reason it took me so long to connect the dots is that I (mostly) consider myself heterosexual, and due to lack of exposure, I thought only gay people ever wanted to change.

Well, this has been exhausting.

Quote from: Kaydee on March 09, 2015, 10:28:00 AM
I didn't know I was trans* until about a year ago at age 56.   I knew there were some weird things happening in my life, but I had repressed it all form an early age, and could never allow my mind to think about what it was all about.  Now I look back to the cross-dressing, to fantasizing what it would be like to be that girl I just passed - it obviously was there all the time and affected my whole life.  But the way my mind was - the repression - made it impossible to consider any of this in any rational way.  I compartmentalized all this behavior and considered myself a normal, healthy, but rather strange guy. 

Then a little over a year ago the wall of repression weakened, I began to see past the blinders and see what my life was all about.  Now, with a lot of self-examination, time, and work with my therapist I have accepted myself as a trans woman and have worked past a lot of the related shame issues and have begun transition.

I hate the fact that the repression kept me from doing this when I was younger.  But I look forward to the coming years when I am allowed to be myself.

Quote from: Eevee on March 09, 2015, 06:47:07 AM
Nothing made sense mostly because I felt like there was something very wrong with me. I felt it both physically and mentally, like something didn't line up. I was always awkward whenever I tried to be the person that I was expected to be. I knew that I wasn't really living the life I should be living, but I wasn't sure how to get there either. I had no guidance and everyone was trying to keep me on the same path that always felt wrong. It wasn't until I started to embrace the idea of femininity that my family tried to keep from me that I started to feel more comfortable with myself... until I looked down at my body again. Then I started to figure out exactly what was wrong and why I was always so depressed. Also, I do blame my parents a lot, but I was also in heavy denial because I didn't want to be "different".

In short, it was just a long journey through years of being lost without a guide or a clue.

Quote from: Eva Marie on March 08, 2015, 08:49:08 PM
I didn't have a clue that I was trans until I was in my early-mid 40s. Looking back now I can clearly see the signs, but they were subtle and there was no information available to me back then to put the pieces together. I went along for years knowing that something was wrong but not knowing what it was. Now i'm 52 and I went full time about 6 months ago. I lost a 27 year marriage in the process (not by my choice) but got rid of the horrible dysphoria that was killing me one drink at a time. My life is different now, but in a good way!  :)

Quote from: Eevee on March 08, 2015, 01:25:05 PM
I started transitioning when I was 27 (I'm 28 now). I tried being a straight cis guy before that because that was "normal". I was always frustrated and depressed, but I wasn't ever sure why. I was even suicidal for a while. I did feel like I was different, but I didn't know why. All I did know was that I was afraid of facing whatever was different about me because I wanted to fit in with others so much. Then it just clicked one day, and everything about my life before then made so much more sense. I'm much happier with my life since coming out and starting HRT, and there's nothing that could possibly convince me to go back to how things were before.

Quote from: AnonyMs on March 08, 2015, 03:32:51 AM
Personally I didn't realize it until quite late, but there were signs of it for decades. In retrospect it hard to understand why I didn't put it all together much earlier; I can only think I didn't want to.

Quote from: Jenna Marie on March 08, 2015, 11:17:24 AM
I was 32 when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'd cross-dressed a few times as a sex thing with my girlfriend who was bi (she talked me into it) and looking back I was never as *happy* about being male as my cis friends, but...  I still think I was a cis man for a while, I just changed.

I started transition about 3 months after I started thinking about this stuff, and for the longest time I figured I was probably faking it, but every step I took made me happier and less able to stand the idea of going back. Eventually I realized that I had to be trans, if I was more than halfway through transition and in a hurry to get to the end. :)

It's so cool to see all these, truly later in life realizations...for those of us in this position, it can be disheartening or anxiety-inducing to see or hear about people who have known since they were a kid...

Stellarj1, I grew up Catholic in the Midwest and I'm old enough to BE your dad, so I know what you mean. Trans wasn't even on my radar. I didn't even realize I was trans until about a year ago. "Common knowledge" didn't include the truth of trans until recently, so how could I know? Not having those stories makes me sometimes doubt myself even though I can point to things going back at least to college that should have made it blatantly obvious.

When I was younger mannerisms and looks led to me being called gay or queer (which didn't mean what it does now) even though I had absolutely no interest in men. Exhibit A:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi244.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fgg39%2Fbabhdail%2F201503161652012.jpg&hash=ae689f8a86b8660f52d0452b4fea64a925d309d5)
Found this picture the other day. Barring the clothes that is NOT a boy.

  A late bloomer and a Boomer. I knew around age 5 or 6. I didn't say anything because one could be institutionalized for that at the time. I did come out to my mother when I was 25 in 1977. I did go to a shrink back then, but nothing came of those sessions. The nasty press against Renee Richards and others with their transitions kept me from transitioning until age 58. I am stuck in the middle at this time due to health problems and finances.

Joelene

I've only realised I would really be much happier as a woman this past year, I started crossdressing 2 years ago at age of 41 , my wife was away for a weekend and I put on her nighty to go to sleep in as I love her smell and It felt so good, when I took it off that next day I had to try on a dress, her shirt, jumpers. It was like a wave of calm and bliss, sitting on bed in tights and a jumper dress reading a book. As a male in his 40's I was getting grumpier and grumpier and just something was missing. I always knew something wasn't right since I was kid, I never really fitted in with other boys, preferred company of girls then women but no idea it was to do with being trans. I always felt like there was mist around me, something just not letting me see and feel the full picture of life and the day I fully dressed with wig and clothes and saw the true me that mist evaporated. Now I hate being in man mode, some days its bearable but others its not. But Im 43, married with 3 kids and I love them all so Im really really stuck.

I am a "late bloomer" in the sense that I didn't know from age 4. But I knew since 24 and started transitioning at 25 and I am now 26. I do not really understand how it is possible to not know since early childhood, but unless it is just something deeply repressed, it is seems like it is possible not to know. I also think that I may have had "trans feelings much earlier than 24, but I didn't understand them very well.

I don't know if I ever knew it. It just was. I learned of my 'differentness' when I kinda realized why all girls don't have the same private parts very early in my childhood.

I've known several women who did not know of their 'womanhood' until much later in their lives -- some as late as their 60's, and she is so happy with her realization, transition and is now a happy relaxed lady who is enjoying her life.

Finally waking up and then transitioning at 38 was an experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, - that's if I actually had one which I don't.  For a long time I'd had this itchy feeling that somehow I'd been given the wrong script for the play, but I guess I thought if I boxed on and ad-libbed for long enough perhaps everything would come right.

I married mostly because my long time friends were doing it and having children which awakened the old ache inside myself that I wanted children too.  I mentioned in my introduction that I used to daydream about being pregnant when I was in my early teens, but never got so far as joining the dots and realising what that might mean.  I was born with un-descended testicles and ended up having to have surgery when I was thirteen to sort that out.  As a child I was completely innocent of any notion of sex and gender apart from knowing that boys were rougher and were likely to give me a hiding if I offended them in some way.  It still annoys me a lot that nobody including my parents ever explained to me what the surgery was about especially when it was all so painful and uncomfortable.  In the aftermath of surgery I knew I didn't like the fact that my scrotum now had two somethings in it, - not that I really knew what they did or what they were for back then.
In a way I suppose I was lucky to end up with two wonderful children because later when I had my orchi the surgeon told me that one of the things was plainly in a non-functional condition.

Marriage was a mess.  My wife had bipolar disorder which I didn't realise until after we were married.  I just thought she was a little eccentric which was Ok because I was a little eccentric too I suppose back then.  My wife's constant complaint was that I was like having a flatmate and not a husband.  Performing in bed was hopeless, I either couldn't get an erection at all or else I'd get premature ej.  Cuddling was always nice, but sex was something I came to dread.
And increasingly my wife was having bipolar episodes and during these times she inflicted the most terrible verbal abuse on me, her illness seeming to give her insights into all my most vulnerable spots.  And when she was 'mad' she would also hound me for sex and then abuse me when I couldn't perform.  My wife had no insight at all into her illness and still doesn't all these years later.  It was impossible to get her take her meds and she would secretly flush them down the toilet.
One day while she was in full flight with yelling abuse at me I punched her and knocked her down.  I was working as a truck and bus mechanic back then so my punch was not a light one - I still feel deeply ashamed about that.
Something else I'm ashamed about is that I had sex with other women during my marriage, - and this is something I've told no one about until now.  I guess I wanted to know if I was only hopeless as a lover with my wife, or was it something about me.  I still was rubbish at penetrative sex, but I was told by these other women that I was kind and gentle.

Then the day came when I looked in the mirror one morning and I just knew with complete certainty that I was a woman.  After I came out to my wife hell took on a different form in which she couldn't stand being around me anymore, then in a blink of an eye she would want me to stay with her and make our marriage work.  To cut a long story short we eventually parted and I refused to take my share of the house and property we owned because I refused to put my children out of their home.

My first two years as a woman, - and I did start to live as a woman right from the moment of my awakening, - were not good, though my very excellent doctor put me on HRT right away.  My brothers instantly rejected me.  I was homeless for a time, I was raped, insulted regularly, pelted with stones etc etc.  Being raped was awful as you can well imagine, but because HRT had changed my muscle mass and strength from what it had been I was unable to adequately defend myself.  That came as a shock I can tell you. For a long time afterwards just catching a whiff of male sweat would bring on a panic attack.
What got me through that though was the fact that I have son who I love very much, so I found it impossible to maintain any kind of hatred towards men.  In case you're wondering I am attracted to women and not men as sexual partners, though these days I live under a solemn promise of Chasity.

After I was raped I went home to my Mum (my Dad had died 16 years earlier) and she took me in.  I was a total wreck back then and I know she was frightened that I was going to top myself, but little by little I got back on my feet again.  Eventually I went back to school and studied to become a social worker.  That wasn't an easy ride at all at first because I was fighting an addiction to Benzodiazepines at the same time.
I also had the not very nice experience of men following after me while I was walking home jingling coins in their pockets.  One persistent male who followed me at walking pace in his car trying to badger me into having sex with him I reported to the Police.  I explained that I was trying to turn my life around and was studying to be a social worker and the policewoman I spoke to very firmly promised me that they'd sort him out for me.  And they did too, they called on him at home and told him to leave me alone or else!  That was definitely a good moment.

I was able to find a temporary position with an NGO working in disability employment once I was qualified and when a permanent position was advertised I applied for that and was successful.  When they told me I had the job I just sat down and wept because I was so overwhelmed.  One of the other staff told me, 'Don't worry Annie, I sometimes weep when I think about going to work too,'  and I had to laugh then.

It was while I had that job I developed severe inflammation of my testicles due to HRT (I was on Premarin and Spiro) and at first my doctors were  worried I might have a tumor.  The pain got so bad I had to take leave from work, but fortunately the urologist I consulted was able to confirm it was inflammation and not anything worse.  I asked him on the spot if he could do an orchi for me and he agreed.  After surgery my (male) doctor at the time asked me if I was sure I'd done the right thing and I responded at once, 'It's wonderful, it's an operation I'd recommend to anyone,' which caused him to look somewhat uncomfortable indeed.

The fly in the ointment though was that I came down with a terrible case of the 'flu after surgery because I was so run down after all the months of pain.  Somehow this caused a viral infection of my nervous system which led to me developing CFS/ME.  I still have problems with CFS/ME even after all these years, but I've learned to live with it.

While I was working towards returning to work I was head hunted by the adult mental health service in my area because I'd worked with them in the past while with the NGO and some of their staff I'd previously worked with put my name forward.  At first I was only working part time, but gradually worked up to full time hours.  What amazed me was how shocked some people were when they found out I was going to work in mental health.  We're not the only minority that has to live with prejudice from others unfortunately (sigh).

I stayed with the mental health service until I retired.  I would have stayed longer because I loved my job, but I was starting to have health issues again and there was a right mess happening in the service with funding cuts and staff layoffs so I was better off out of it.  I can say that now, though at the time I was upset about giving up my job even though my doctor told me that it was the best thing to do since I wasn't well.

So here I am living in a little country town and life is good.  Thinking I was all washed up as a social worker I started to think about joining the croquet club or something, BUT then I started to feel the call in my heart that would eventually draw me into religious life.  As I mentioned somewhere else on the forum I never made any disclosures or asked anybodies permission I just followed the urge in my heart.  Mind you being a third order Sister is not quite so much of a thing to get into as compared to going first order, but I still live with the risk that somebody might out me someday.  I did eventually tell the priest we had in the parish at the time, but he was quite a rare individual and said that he couldn't care less.  He's moved on now which is a pity.
Something that did happen which completely caught me off guard was when a woman around my own age from church tried to snog me.  A very firm 'No' and a reminder that I held my promise of Chasity very seriously saw her off, but that was the last thing I ever thought was going to happen to me!

One last trial remained for me and that's my daughter identifies as a 'demi-girl' and has to be on HRT because her own Testosterone is toxic to her.  Don't worry I don't have any sort of problem with that, but she had her own heavy crosses to bear in life and was very ill with PTSD for a long time.  She lives with me and I've been caring for her while she recovers.  Praise be, she is just about completely back on her feet now which is wonderful.

So overall what's the score?  Do I think I should have stayed living a lie and sweated it out? - in a word 'No'.  Despite everything I'm glad to be properly me at last and I'm glad I did it.  Transition is always going to be difficult and for some of us it will be very difficult indeed, but it's worth it in the end.   :)

I was 3  years old when I realized that I liked my mom's clothes more than mine.  Around that same time I was sexually molested by a family friend in his 30's.  I believe those two events really put my life in perspective from an early age.

I went on to live a straight life until I was 36.  I had a GF at the time, came out to her. Didn't work out (yadda yadda).  By the age of 41 I began HRT (self medicating) until last week in which I finally began to see my Obama Care doctor who immediately prescribed E and T blockers. 

I date men, and feel totally comfortable with it.  I'm finally free.  I still don't live full time as a woman, but it won't be long until I legally get my name change in California as well as get my gender marker changed.    Things are much further along than I could've even dreamed they would have. 

It's never too late to be happy.  Own it.