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Title: Re-Introduction - Mackenzie from Mississippi
Post by: chefskenzie on March 08, 2015, 10:41:40 PM
Post by: chefskenzie on March 08, 2015, 10:41:40 PM
I joined these forums a while back, but haven't been around, or active for quite some time. So here is a bit about me!
Let's start with the beginning of my journey!
Growing up I always felt like something was wrong with me. I was called Jonathan, had to dress as a boy, and had absolutely no interest in doing the "boy" things with my dad and brother. I loved to do laundry with my mother, play the Piano, or sit indoors on a weekend and watch Gymnastics or figure skating on TV.
I also LOVED to read. But it was always Nancy Drew, Sweet Valley High, or the Babysitters Club. I always imagined myself as the main character. Living the story out in my imagination.
The first obvious thought I had where I knew I was different was in first grade. The entire school did a production of Cinderella, and I was a ballroom dancer. I was pissed off because I had to dance with a girl. I had an imaginary boyfriend at the time, and I remember I was so mad because I wanted to dance with him, and not the little girl.
I always have viewed myself as a girl. When I was young, up until my teens, I secretly called myself Amanda.
In my teens I came across a book about homosexuality. It explained all of my feelings. I liked boys, didn't like girls, and wasn't attracted to them. My dilemma was solved! However I knew I had to hide it from my super conservative Southern Baptist family.
On my 18th birthday I went out to the local Gay bar. Saw all sorts of crazy things, but first the first time, I fit in. Then I saw a drag show, I was in hog heaven! Finally, somewhere I could fit in!!
So that is the community I identified with for many years. I had never heard the term "transgender" and had no idea what that was. There were a few girls we called trannies of course. But they were always surrounded by negativity and drama. I was very naive back then, and told that they were considered sick individuals and were constantly being sent to the Psych unit. I believed that for years.
The problem identifying as gay, in the gay world, was that I did not fit in as much as I had hoped. No guys wanted to date me because I was too fem. I was very depressed, and after several years and a bad breakup, I attempted to commit suicide.
I was admitted to a well known Psychiatric facility and had to take a ton of Psych test. The Psychiatrist told me that there was signs of Gender Identity Disorder and asked if I thought I was transgender. I denied that and any feelings, and said it might be because I did drag. Secretly I was afraid I would be committed if they learned the truth. While this was in 2000, girls were still being beaten, and thrown into jail. if you went through a road block and didn't have on SOME form of male clothing, you went to jail. So it was deep in my head that being gay was better than being trans.
It took several years, and spending some time in prison for another issue (drug related) that I came to terms thinking I was trans.
However once I got out of prison, I was on the religion bandwagon, and trying to "do right".
I was watching TV late one night and came across the documentary Trans Generation. Following 4 trans college students through their transition and journey.
That REALLY opened my eyes. I knew then what I was, the story spoke MILES to me.
I started doing research online, but found that it was near impossible to get reliable information. I remember typing in all the phrases I could think of on Ask Jeeves! Finally I found a DIY Yahoo group. Then I saw the cost. There was no way I could afford the transition.
Defeated, I have up.
Years later I had a great job, and started to look into it again, right at that time a local trans woman died. Cause was blood clots from taking HRT unsupervised. Scared, I put it off again.
This may make me sound shallow, but I was nearing my 30's, still single and had not yet had a long term significant relationship of any kind. I was tired of being single. I was tired of having nobody in my life that cared, or knew me.
I was tired of being a "freak" drag queen. I ached to be a regular woman just like everyone else I knew.
So I came up with a plan. I had several advantages over other trans individuals. I had beautiful and thick hair, and not a lot of body hair. The MOST body hair was a SMALL patch on my chest, and of course my face.
Plan:
A) Start growing out my hair
B) Keep body hair shaved
C) Start dressing Androgynous and by gender neutral clothing
D) Save Money
E) Move to a bigger city so I could transition, and nobody would know me
The first three on my plan worked, then I lost my job. Then my savings got eaten up.
I was back to square one. I had to move back in with my family, and I had to cut my long hair.
So I started over again. This time determined I didn't care if it did kill me. I finally saved up $150 and ordered my first round of shots from InHousePharmacy and took my first shot on July 12th 2012.
3 months later, I was crying at the drop of a hat, freaking out over small things and issues, and generally unhappy. So I quit, knowing I need to see a doctor because I am likely on too much or too little.
Around the same time I finally am able to move out of my parents home, and get my own place with a roommmate. This is a gay male who was a good friend, and knew I wanted to transition.
I started being able to be myself 24/7. I came out at work. Started living full-time without being on HRT yet.
Then the year ends, and 2013 is upon us! The year of a ->-bleeped-<- load of bull->-bleeped-<-.
The year began with a new healthcare group opening in the State Capitol that was going to care for LGBT individuals healthcare needs. I called them up to find out if they would be offering HRT. They said no, because there was NO need for that in the state.
I shared the amount of people DIY, and the NEAREST facility that would treat trans patients in Memphis, Atlanta, or New Orleans. So they agreed to give Trans care, and hired a Trans knowledgeable Doctor. The clinic would open in May.
Then in January, a former fling gave my info to the Jerry Springer show. They wanted me to fly out and be on the program, and were paying GOOD money! FINALLY! A way to re-start my transition!! So I flew out and did the show! I know many trans women have done this, and many have had a bad experience, but mine was great! They treated me like royalty, and I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. I would do it again in a heart beat, and it was the best money I ever made!
While I was there I received an email from my Mother disowning me because they found out I was going on Jerry Springer. They didn't know what I went for, or that I was trans yet. I never responded back and have never talked to them again.
Later that month, I was asked to be a part of a documentary on being LGBT in the Deep South. A Camera Crew started following me around on a regular basis, my life was starting to become very public.
That lead to being picked up by a talent agency that works with LGBT individuals, and being cast for a TV pilot that is currently filming in Mississippi.
May 2013 I went to see the Dr. and they wanted me to see a therapist. I saw the therapist a week later who approved me after one visit to start HRT. Three days later I had my prescription to start, this was May 18th!
I had a big event/show that night so decided to hold off until the next day.
I had up until this point had several dating ads up on the internet, and had THOUGHT I had removed them all because I was giving up on dating.
That day I got an email. I had forgotten one. It was from a guy (Adam) who said he was moving to my area, and would love to meet someone like me (trans). That he was in the area that weekend, and would love to go out on a date.
I thought he was full of crap. That he would be like all the other guys, and want sex in a few minutes of meeting.
He emailed me back and forth, and gave me his number. I had a LONG drive, so I called him since I was bored. Figured I would get a bit of entertainment out of it.
By the end of the phone call (2 hours) later, I was falling in love. I agreed to meet him the next day.
We went out on a date, and 6 hours later, after much hand holding, and making out, but no sex, we both decided we didn't want to part ways. He came back to my house, and we went to bed, holding each other. But still no sex.
He went home to Alabama the next day, and 4 days later had accepted his new job here, and moved. That night, we stayed together, he made love to me (there IS a difference), and we have been together ever since.
Our relationship starting out was going to be a bit on the discreet side. We do live in the deep south, and he was opening a restaurant. IF word got out he was dating a ->-bleeped-<- (I was well known by now in the area), it would ruin his business.
Our plan was to discreetly date, go on overnight trips out of the area, and get to know each other. Then when we were ready to be more serious, we would move from the area.
Our unofficial timeline was going to be:
1 year in - let all family/friends on both sides know of our relationship
2 year - be public with our relationship
3 year - Move in/Marriage
This was going great until his restaurant investors pulled out after 4 months of doing business.
He was crushed. His job, home, everything about to be gone. He was going to have to move in with his parents, and I was crushed because we were spending 6 out of 7 nights together each week. I knew that would drastically change under the new arrangement.
But he had 3 weeks to find something before that would happen.
1 week exactly he got a job offer on a great job about 2 hours north of where we currently lived.
We talked about it, and decided that he would take it, that we would split our time, that he would come to me 3 nights (his off days plus one), I would go to him 3 nights (my off days)and one night apart.
But he had to work for 2 weeks to earn enough money to get his own place. His Mom lived between me and his work, so he was going to stay there a few nights, which would give us a few nights apart.
In 2 weeks, he spent 3 nights away from me. He made that sacrifice and drove to stay with me. We only had time to watch 30 minutes of TV, eat dinner, and go to bed, but we were together.
He got a great place to stay, and was going to move in that next weekend. We went to his old place and packed up everything.
We had talked about me moving in with him after the new year. But was going to give him time to get settled.
That next day, he moved all of his belonging up to the new place, and that afternoon when I got off, and went to stay. Over the next 3 months I went home for one night, and he wanted me to come back the next day. He asked me to move in, and we slowly got every bit of my stuff from my old place.
The ONLY thing about our relationship was that nobody knew he was dating, or in something serious.
I had not met his family, or any friends.
Finally some friends came to town November 2013, and were going to stay with us. He spent the day with them, told them about me, then late that night/next day, we met. They fully except me, and don't know that I am trans. (My choice not to tell).
A month later I met his family and spent Christmas with them. They accepted me 100% as Mackenzie and did not know about me being transgender.
We then settled into a role of living together, dating, and getting to know one another. Also letting his family get to know and love me.
Fast forward a bit to May 19, 2014 – Adam took me on a family vacation with his parents and sister. We went to the beach. This was also our one year Anniversary. He proposed at sunset on the beach.
December 14, 2014 we had a beautiful Wedding, legally married, and living our life together with no regrets.
Unfortunately his mother and step-dad found out about me. Someone outted my past to them. They accepted me 100% and said what was between a woman's legs is between her, God, and her husband.
I now have a great job, working in the Medical field as a Doctor's Assistant.
I have never felt more loved, alive, and complete than I have the past few years. I look forward to being an active member here. Adam also is interested in joining.
I hope to help others with my experiences, expertise (LOL), and advise!
Much love,
Mackenzie
Let's start with the beginning of my journey!
Growing up I always felt like something was wrong with me. I was called Jonathan, had to dress as a boy, and had absolutely no interest in doing the "boy" things with my dad and brother. I loved to do laundry with my mother, play the Piano, or sit indoors on a weekend and watch Gymnastics or figure skating on TV.
I also LOVED to read. But it was always Nancy Drew, Sweet Valley High, or the Babysitters Club. I always imagined myself as the main character. Living the story out in my imagination.
The first obvious thought I had where I knew I was different was in first grade. The entire school did a production of Cinderella, and I was a ballroom dancer. I was pissed off because I had to dance with a girl. I had an imaginary boyfriend at the time, and I remember I was so mad because I wanted to dance with him, and not the little girl.
I always have viewed myself as a girl. When I was young, up until my teens, I secretly called myself Amanda.
In my teens I came across a book about homosexuality. It explained all of my feelings. I liked boys, didn't like girls, and wasn't attracted to them. My dilemma was solved! However I knew I had to hide it from my super conservative Southern Baptist family.
On my 18th birthday I went out to the local Gay bar. Saw all sorts of crazy things, but first the first time, I fit in. Then I saw a drag show, I was in hog heaven! Finally, somewhere I could fit in!!
So that is the community I identified with for many years. I had never heard the term "transgender" and had no idea what that was. There were a few girls we called trannies of course. But they were always surrounded by negativity and drama. I was very naive back then, and told that they were considered sick individuals and were constantly being sent to the Psych unit. I believed that for years.
The problem identifying as gay, in the gay world, was that I did not fit in as much as I had hoped. No guys wanted to date me because I was too fem. I was very depressed, and after several years and a bad breakup, I attempted to commit suicide.
I was admitted to a well known Psychiatric facility and had to take a ton of Psych test. The Psychiatrist told me that there was signs of Gender Identity Disorder and asked if I thought I was transgender. I denied that and any feelings, and said it might be because I did drag. Secretly I was afraid I would be committed if they learned the truth. While this was in 2000, girls were still being beaten, and thrown into jail. if you went through a road block and didn't have on SOME form of male clothing, you went to jail. So it was deep in my head that being gay was better than being trans.
It took several years, and spending some time in prison for another issue (drug related) that I came to terms thinking I was trans.
However once I got out of prison, I was on the religion bandwagon, and trying to "do right".
I was watching TV late one night and came across the documentary Trans Generation. Following 4 trans college students through their transition and journey.
That REALLY opened my eyes. I knew then what I was, the story spoke MILES to me.
I started doing research online, but found that it was near impossible to get reliable information. I remember typing in all the phrases I could think of on Ask Jeeves! Finally I found a DIY Yahoo group. Then I saw the cost. There was no way I could afford the transition.
Defeated, I have up.
Years later I had a great job, and started to look into it again, right at that time a local trans woman died. Cause was blood clots from taking HRT unsupervised. Scared, I put it off again.
This may make me sound shallow, but I was nearing my 30's, still single and had not yet had a long term significant relationship of any kind. I was tired of being single. I was tired of having nobody in my life that cared, or knew me.
I was tired of being a "freak" drag queen. I ached to be a regular woman just like everyone else I knew.
So I came up with a plan. I had several advantages over other trans individuals. I had beautiful and thick hair, and not a lot of body hair. The MOST body hair was a SMALL patch on my chest, and of course my face.
Plan:
A) Start growing out my hair
B) Keep body hair shaved
C) Start dressing Androgynous and by gender neutral clothing
D) Save Money
E) Move to a bigger city so I could transition, and nobody would know me
The first three on my plan worked, then I lost my job. Then my savings got eaten up.
I was back to square one. I had to move back in with my family, and I had to cut my long hair.
So I started over again. This time determined I didn't care if it did kill me. I finally saved up $150 and ordered my first round of shots from InHousePharmacy and took my first shot on July 12th 2012.
3 months later, I was crying at the drop of a hat, freaking out over small things and issues, and generally unhappy. So I quit, knowing I need to see a doctor because I am likely on too much or too little.
Around the same time I finally am able to move out of my parents home, and get my own place with a roommmate. This is a gay male who was a good friend, and knew I wanted to transition.
I started being able to be myself 24/7. I came out at work. Started living full-time without being on HRT yet.
Then the year ends, and 2013 is upon us! The year of a ->-bleeped-<- load of bull->-bleeped-<-.
The year began with a new healthcare group opening in the State Capitol that was going to care for LGBT individuals healthcare needs. I called them up to find out if they would be offering HRT. They said no, because there was NO need for that in the state.
I shared the amount of people DIY, and the NEAREST facility that would treat trans patients in Memphis, Atlanta, or New Orleans. So they agreed to give Trans care, and hired a Trans knowledgeable Doctor. The clinic would open in May.
Then in January, a former fling gave my info to the Jerry Springer show. They wanted me to fly out and be on the program, and were paying GOOD money! FINALLY! A way to re-start my transition!! So I flew out and did the show! I know many trans women have done this, and many have had a bad experience, but mine was great! They treated me like royalty, and I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. I would do it again in a heart beat, and it was the best money I ever made!
While I was there I received an email from my Mother disowning me because they found out I was going on Jerry Springer. They didn't know what I went for, or that I was trans yet. I never responded back and have never talked to them again.
Later that month, I was asked to be a part of a documentary on being LGBT in the Deep South. A Camera Crew started following me around on a regular basis, my life was starting to become very public.
That lead to being picked up by a talent agency that works with LGBT individuals, and being cast for a TV pilot that is currently filming in Mississippi.
May 2013 I went to see the Dr. and they wanted me to see a therapist. I saw the therapist a week later who approved me after one visit to start HRT. Three days later I had my prescription to start, this was May 18th!
I had a big event/show that night so decided to hold off until the next day.
I had up until this point had several dating ads up on the internet, and had THOUGHT I had removed them all because I was giving up on dating.
That day I got an email. I had forgotten one. It was from a guy (Adam) who said he was moving to my area, and would love to meet someone like me (trans). That he was in the area that weekend, and would love to go out on a date.
I thought he was full of crap. That he would be like all the other guys, and want sex in a few minutes of meeting.
He emailed me back and forth, and gave me his number. I had a LONG drive, so I called him since I was bored. Figured I would get a bit of entertainment out of it.
By the end of the phone call (2 hours) later, I was falling in love. I agreed to meet him the next day.
We went out on a date, and 6 hours later, after much hand holding, and making out, but no sex, we both decided we didn't want to part ways. He came back to my house, and we went to bed, holding each other. But still no sex.
He went home to Alabama the next day, and 4 days later had accepted his new job here, and moved. That night, we stayed together, he made love to me (there IS a difference), and we have been together ever since.
Our relationship starting out was going to be a bit on the discreet side. We do live in the deep south, and he was opening a restaurant. IF word got out he was dating a ->-bleeped-<- (I was well known by now in the area), it would ruin his business.
Our plan was to discreetly date, go on overnight trips out of the area, and get to know each other. Then when we were ready to be more serious, we would move from the area.
Our unofficial timeline was going to be:
1 year in - let all family/friends on both sides know of our relationship
2 year - be public with our relationship
3 year - Move in/Marriage
This was going great until his restaurant investors pulled out after 4 months of doing business.
He was crushed. His job, home, everything about to be gone. He was going to have to move in with his parents, and I was crushed because we were spending 6 out of 7 nights together each week. I knew that would drastically change under the new arrangement.
But he had 3 weeks to find something before that would happen.
1 week exactly he got a job offer on a great job about 2 hours north of where we currently lived.
We talked about it, and decided that he would take it, that we would split our time, that he would come to me 3 nights (his off days plus one), I would go to him 3 nights (my off days)and one night apart.
But he had to work for 2 weeks to earn enough money to get his own place. His Mom lived between me and his work, so he was going to stay there a few nights, which would give us a few nights apart.
In 2 weeks, he spent 3 nights away from me. He made that sacrifice and drove to stay with me. We only had time to watch 30 minutes of TV, eat dinner, and go to bed, but we were together.
He got a great place to stay, and was going to move in that next weekend. We went to his old place and packed up everything.
We had talked about me moving in with him after the new year. But was going to give him time to get settled.
That next day, he moved all of his belonging up to the new place, and that afternoon when I got off, and went to stay. Over the next 3 months I went home for one night, and he wanted me to come back the next day. He asked me to move in, and we slowly got every bit of my stuff from my old place.
The ONLY thing about our relationship was that nobody knew he was dating, or in something serious.
I had not met his family, or any friends.
Finally some friends came to town November 2013, and were going to stay with us. He spent the day with them, told them about me, then late that night/next day, we met. They fully except me, and don't know that I am trans. (My choice not to tell).
A month later I met his family and spent Christmas with them. They accepted me 100% as Mackenzie and did not know about me being transgender.
We then settled into a role of living together, dating, and getting to know one another. Also letting his family get to know and love me.
Fast forward a bit to May 19, 2014 – Adam took me on a family vacation with his parents and sister. We went to the beach. This was also our one year Anniversary. He proposed at sunset on the beach.
December 14, 2014 we had a beautiful Wedding, legally married, and living our life together with no regrets.
Unfortunately his mother and step-dad found out about me. Someone outted my past to them. They accepted me 100% and said what was between a woman's legs is between her, God, and her husband.
I now have a great job, working in the Medical field as a Doctor's Assistant.
I have never felt more loved, alive, and complete than I have the past few years. I look forward to being an active member here. Adam also is interested in joining.
I hope to help others with my experiences, expertise (LOL), and advise!
Much love,
Mackenzie
Title: Re: Re-Introduction - Mackenzie from Mississippi
Post by: Ms Grace on March 08, 2015, 11:53:37 PM
Post by: Ms Grace on March 08, 2015, 11:53:37 PM
Hey Mackenzie!
Welcome back to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
Thanks for sharing your very positive, thoughtful and inspirational story.
Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...
Cheers
Grace
Welcome back to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
Thanks for sharing your very positive, thoughtful and inspirational story.
Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Cheers
Grace
Title: Re: Re-Introduction - Mackenzie from Mississippi
Post by: V M on March 09, 2015, 01:26:32 AM
Post by: V M on March 09, 2015, 01:26:32 AM
Hi Mackenzie :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Re-Introduction - Mackenzie from Mississippi
Post by: Devlyn on March 10, 2015, 12:12:06 PM
Post by: Devlyn on March 10, 2015, 12:12:06 PM
Welcome back, and what an update!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Re-Introduction - Mackenzie from Mississippi
Post by: gennee on March 10, 2015, 12:35:08 PM
Post by: gennee on March 10, 2015, 12:35:08 PM
Hi MacKenzie and welcome to Susan's. I enjoyed reading your introduction and am very happy :) for you both.
:)
:)
Title: Re: Re-Introduction - Mackenzie from Mississippi
Post by: Myarkstir on March 10, 2015, 03:24:52 PM
Post by: Myarkstir on March 10, 2015, 03:24:52 PM
Hey!
Welcome to Susan's.
Welcome to Susan's.
Title: Re: Re-Introduction - Mackenzie from Mississippi
Post by: chefskenzie on March 10, 2015, 06:55:30 PM
Post by: chefskenzie on March 10, 2015, 06:55:30 PM
Thank you all for the warm welcome!