Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I recently brought it up to my therapist that I have mostly female friends and very few male friends, and the male friends that I have are very effeminate.  He suggested that I ask a few of you if you share the same issues that I face.

  I find that I have problems finding interest in bio hetero males as friends and often disagree with them on how to respect women and other people. Does anyone else have an issue like this or advice on how to handle it? I'd really like to broaden my friendships to include people from all walks and becoming friends with other men may help with some insecuritites.

I'm basically the opposite. I work in a male dominated field, many of my hobbies are male dominated, all of my coworkers are male, my close friends are all male, etc. It's not that I don't get along with the ladies, but I'm just never really in a position to socialize with them. It may be similar for you. Think about where/how you're spending your time and if there are or aren't opportunities to befriend guys.

For me: I spend at least 40 hours a week working with other guys. My roommates are two guys. My partner is FTM. Two of the things I spend the most time on are video games and cars, both of which are very male-dominated areas. Not a lot of room for female interaction.

There are plenty of guys out there who are respectful and treat people well. That may also be a part of the problem - don't make up your mind about people until you've really given them a chance. Some of the most abrasive people I've met turned out to be very decent after rough first impressions.

You're not making agreement a term of friendship, are you? That's going to limit things right there. My friends agree with virtually nothing that comes out of my mouth! :laugh:

Hugs, Devlyn

My hetero male friends cover the full spectrum...I have one particular one who was always coming to blows with me (quite literally) over his misogynistic mindset. But it was my only gripe with him. You have to weigh the good qualities a fella has with his bad ones...sometimes, even if the good only barely outweighs the bad, that person can be worth having as a friend. My guy friends have had my back for years, and especially now that I'm out. We may not always see eye-to-eye, but I know each and every one of them would gladly lay down his life for me.

I see your point. I work with mostly females, live with my two female best friends, and don't party much so I suppose I don't give myself the opportunity to meet many bio hetero dude. I just feel like I'm missing out on a lot as a dude not having other dudes to dude with.

A big thing that helps is to get involved in male-dominated hobbies/activities. The more you are around males, the more likely you are to find SOMEONE that shares some kind of interests you have or at least is interested in being friendly/friends.

Look into stereotypical male stuff like hunting or fishing, maybe even paintball/airsoft, or get into some kind of sport. The only problem with the later is doing "shirts/skins" and if you are pre-top surgery, this can "out" you. Maybe you can have a female or even a male friend come along to help be an icebreaker.

I don't understand why your therapist has terms re: what kind of friends you can make. That seems odd to me. I'd say my cis male friends and acquaintances are mostly gay. I don't know why this is a problem. Actually I have a lot of trans friends and acquaintances, and don't know why this would be a problem either. Would that imply that effeminate or trans guys are somewhat less valuable??

--Jay

I don't have any difficulty making friends with hetero cis guys. I sometimes feel bored when they're talking about sports and cars because I'm not into those things - but I have the same problem when my female friends start talking about babies and makeup. 

It's just the nature of human relationships that there are going to be differences between people, full stop. 

Whether it's differences because of race, culture, religion, etc. - there are no two people identical to one another - but as long as you don't allow differences to become roadblocks, friendship can blossom between anyone if it's given the opportunity.

Majority of my friends are females, too. I went to vocational school and it turned out to be a female dominated trade (surface treatment) despite of being under the construction category. In contrast, I also have straight male friends, although not as many. But, as far as I know, no friends are gay, bi, etc.

Usually the problem I have with guys is their topics. Cars, computers (and technology in general), army time... Yeah, I'm not interested in the least. :D I seriously share more interests with my female friends. xD

I'm pre-transition, but I don't have a single male cis-hetero friend. Lol. All my male friends are gay or queer. But I have an equal amount of cis hetero female friends, but none of them is a "girly girl".

I'm not very concerned with this, seeing that I'm not straight myself. I don't miss having male cis hetero friends really. 

I haven't a single cis male hetero friend, but then again, I don't have many friends full stop. I probably would have more male friends if I hadn't been sent to a girls' school. Unfortunately most of the lads of my age group I've encountered talk of little but women - who don't interest me sexually - and sports, cars and other things that I generally find boring. I don't really have any 'manly' hobbies and don't see myself getting on well with any straight cis guy who conforms to the straight cis guy stereotype, which most of them seem to do. Still, I have my own stereotype to live up to *throws glitter into the air*

Basically, what Adrian said.

Well, I have problems making friends in general and the people I do manage to socialize with tend to be female so I feel you on this. It takes some searching but you can find men of all different various interests. I have no interests in cars or sports either so I tend to just go after guys who are more of the nerdy kind and are more into video games. I have noticed the cis guys who also have a few female friends are less misogynistic.

I agree that hobbie/activities should help with befriending new males.
Sport is a most common thing guys do. But there are a lot of nerds too! Video games, role plays, books, different kinds of Internet communities. You can start form making friends online. Once you feel comfortable with going out you can meet those people in real life. I mean not one to one, but like a community meeting or something like that. People from gaming/Internet portals have meetings quite often. And "nerds" are usually more tolerant

Quote from: JDeclan99 on March 09, 2015, 08:57:34 PM
I see your point. I work with mostly females, live with my two female best friends, and don't party much so I suppose I don't give myself the opportunity to meet many bio hetero dude. I just feel like I'm missing out on a lot as a dude not having other dudes to dude with.

Well, what kinds of things do you like? Maybe we can collectively point you in the direction of a good dude hobby where you could dude with other dudes.

Thank you guys for your help. It's not an issue that I primarily have effeminate guys friends, I enjoy their company tremendously it just that I haven't been exposed to male culture through anyone, I've never had a man to show me how men communicate or behave around each other. My Dad is extremely passive and not very masculine at all so there wasn't much insight growing up.

I am not really into sports and definitely not hunting, but I love to shoot. I'm not very smooth when it comes to making friends and I just worry it'll be harder with men bc they are stereotypically closed off.

And I don't mean at all to insinuate that gay men or effeminate men aren't men or don't act like men, but I'm looking to learn about the more masculine aspects of male friendship.

Perhaps not the best path but I also agree that video games are a good medium. Specifically for me at least. I am pre-transition but it is mostly thanks to online rpg's that I came to understand who I really am.

I have met many understanding male and females in the MMO role-playing world.

Just wanted to add my 2 cents worth. I don't think it's all about hobbies/interests. I have exactly the opposite problem: all the friends I've made post-transition are cis-male. This despite the fact I have really stereotypical female interests, eg, music theatre, yoga, baking cakes, skin care products, kittens, etc. I even took up knitting recently because I thought it might help. I went to an all boys school (that was an experience  ::) ) so I've just had a lot of exposure to guys.  Cis-women tend to be reserved and keep their distance when they're around me. I honestly don't know why, and would love to know someone who is actually interested in the things I'm interested in instead of listening to stuff about stupid cars *again*.
:)

I have alot of straight CIS male friends, but for me is the other way around, I'm very into cars and science/technology but they are not at all . But it doesn't really matter because what we do have in common is humor, we have the same sense of humor and that's very important I think , that makes us have fun together despite not having the same interests.

I met most of my friends through work, I've mostly worked in male dominated jobs but the job I have now is kinda 50/50 . They asked me if I wanted to go for some beers after work when I first started and then we all started hanging out after that. Guy friends is kinda easy to get I think you can usually just be like "wanna go for a beer" or wanna join me on Saturday I'm doing this and that" and they usually don't find that wierd or anything.

Well I'm glad it's something you want too. Though I just pretty much feel friends are friends and valuable in that they are friends. If you want to find acquaintances to hang with that are male and very straight and traditional well, I guess "different strokes".

--Jay

It's not really about them being traditional. I have friends from all walks of life, sexuality, color, and gender, however, as a straight man I'd like a little more companionship with other straight men. There are certain topics I can't really breach with my gay male friends or my hetero/homo female friends, just like there are only certain conversations or experiences that I can share with my transgender brothers and sisters.

Let me clarify that I don't feel like this is an outstanding problem, I have great people in my life and don't feel like having a straight male friend or not will change my life too much. I believe that variety is the spice of life and I'd just like to see what that friendship would be like. I haven't been close friends with another dude in 10 years and have done a lot of growing since then.

Anyway, I really appreciate all the suggestions and hopefully I'll meet a dude that I click with soon :)

I met my closest friend (a straight cis guy) at a Japanese class in my community college. A lot of straight guys I've gotten along with I've met through college classes, get-togethers and GSAs. Though I could be biased because most of my social life has been through college.

What I'd like to know is where all the cute effeminate guys are, and if any of them are into nerdy trans boys. :P

Quote from: JDeclan99 on March 17, 2015, 06:13:47 PM
It's not really about them being traditional. I have friends from all walks of life, sexuality, color, and gender, however, as a straight man I'd like a little more companionship with other straight men. There are certain topics I can't really breach with my gay male friends or my hetero/homo female friends, just like there are only certain conversations or experiences that I can share with my transgender brothers and sisters.

Let me clarify that I don't feel like this is an outstanding problem, I have great people in my life and don't feel like having a straight male friend or not will change my life too much. I believe that variety is the spice of life and I'd just like to see what that friendship would be like. I haven't been close friends with another dude in 10 years and have done a lot of growing since then.

Anyway, I really appreciate all the suggestions and hopefully I'll meet a dude that I click with soon :)

Really man, you just gotta be you, and some people will like you for who you are, I got a lot of friends but all my guy friends are straight. I mean I am in highschool and I am a class clown sp of course my sense of humor draws people to me. Or having similar interest like me and one of my homies were freestyling at my homecoming and dance and from there we just click and then I met alot of my other boys who are friends with him, were all straight guys.

Well in my experience (I'm an MTF obviously so YMMV) I made friends with guys with common interests. Shooting, electronics, cars. This is actually a radical departure from how I used to make friends (with mostly women) by going clubbing. I figured I'd try the typical guy way. That can work.