Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I used the search and tags to try and find something recent about this, but the last mention of something like this was in 2009 and there wasn't really a whole lot of help.

I consider myself to be either Bisexual or Pansexual (to be honest, it depends on who I'm talking to. A lot of people don't actually know the term Pansexual, so I find it easier to use Bisexual) and I lean slightly more towards men.

My worry is that there's been quite a lot of negative feedback from Cis Gay men in regards to dating transmen (recently a friend of mine was badly beaten in Soho for apparently trying to "trap" a Cis Gay man) and that I will be unable to date. I have been told to stick to dating transmen, but you can't exactly control who you're attracted to. (And you don't generally ask someone if they're Cis or Trans.)

This is horribly rambly and I apologise for that. I guess what I'm asking is for other Gay/Bi/Pan transmen to perhaps tell me their experiences and maybe get some reassurance that I'm not going to be outcast (or worse, hurt) if I try to date Cis men.

Dating is going to suck in general. It's one of those things you sorta accept. There are gay and bisexual cis men that get it but they're rare.

I'm more or less gay, and it bothers me a bit. But I've read some online discussions and surveys of cis gay men, and a fair amount of them have said they would date a trans man if he was on T; even more so if he'd had some surgery done.

I'm gay as well, but I can't give you any experiences. I had removed myself from the dating pool until I started transitioning. Now that i'm two years into transition I have no idea how to go about dating. I would love to date transmen, but there aren't many of us, and the few that are, are usually not gay. Cis men scare me for the exact reason you mentioned. They may react very strongly. My brother is cis and gay and very open minded. But when I asked him if he would date a transguy, even he had to pause and couldn't give me an answer. So if he, of all people, is already in doubt, others will be for sure too. I'm not sure I wish to set myself up for failure and hurt like that.

Wish I could tell you something more positive. I'm sure there are men around here who have good experiences to share.

I'm a gay guy too, but currently married to a straight cis man (that's the worst scenario really :( ). I totally can't imagine how it will be should I decide to start dating again after my husband and I separate (this seems inevitable).

Being pre-transition and pre-separation  dating isn't on the top of my list right now, but I think it could be a source of quite some disappointment. This worries me, but then I think I'll solve that problem when I get there.

I'm sorry I can't share any experiences at this point.

I am wondering if gay cis-men in general will even accept a transman romantically when it shouldn't matter what they dont have between their legs.

Maybe I'm an anomaly, but I never really had problems finding gay identified guys willing to date me, even pre-T and pre-transition (or at least pre-coming out). I had two long term (6 mos+) relationships with gay ID'd guys before I was on T, and I was also pre-T when I met my now-husband. Sure, it's usually a new experience for them, but once you navigate through intimacy, everything else is like dating any other guy.  None of them ever had any issues with sex, they weren't grossed out by my parts or anything. Dating me didn't cause any of them to question their sexuality, and AFAIK none of them have ever slept with any women. I did go on a few dates with a guy who decided not to take things further because of my trans status, but usually you'll be able to feel that out before you get too serious. I don't know if you're into online dating, but I met all of my partners that way. I had good experiences on OKCupid, but have heard others haven't, so YMMV. All in all, I am definitely a gay guy who has been with another gay guy for going on 4 years, and we've been married since last August. So don't give up hope that it's not possible! It surely is! Good luck to you  ;)

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my post.

I have been out of the dating game for just over six years now because of my trans status and the fact I am pre-T. I have found myself too afraid of cis people's reactions (both male and female - but I am more afraid of a violent outburst from males - which I know is terribly sexist of me, but I think it's something that's hardwired at this point) to me and my parts.

Konnor: Your experiences have given me some hope, so thank you for that. If it is not too rude a question, may I ask how you approached explaining your trans status when dating?

I've posted little blurbs and pics of myself on a few trans dating blogs. That got me a ton of responses.

I don't really like labels, but I've dated other FTMs. My current partner is FTM. It's nice because he gets it, and he's further along in his transition than I am, so he already knows all of the things I need to get taken care of. And sexually, he gets it. It's just cool all around. We met on Tumblr, and he knew that I was trans when he messaged me.

I've also been approached by multiple gay cisgender men who I am 100% not interested in. So they do exist! Maybe it just depends on where you are?

I'm actually having a fairly positive experience on OKCupid, although I'm kind of picky so finding a mutual attraction is difficult. I know this doesn't exactly help, but I just started talking to a very nice qenderqueer person up in Seattle, biologically male, not that it matters. They're poly and pan but that doesn't really bother me, in fact having multiple lovers/partners might take some of the strain out of being a 6-hour's train ride away.

Bottom line, I guess, is OKCupid might be a cool idea if you want to be transparent with your trans status and just lightly mention it in your profile intro, so interested people are without question comfortable with your identity.

Quote from: AndrewB
Bottom line, I guess, is OKCupid might be a cool idea if you want to be transparent with your trans status and just lightly mention it in your profile intro, so interested people are without question comfortable with your identity.

There's now the option on OKCupid to label yourself as a trans man, too.

PANSEXUAL IN THE HOUUUUUSE!!!!



:eusa_clap: :icon_dance: :icon_mrgreen: :icon_pelvic_thrust:


I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year now, i was with her before i even knew i was trans, and shes been the most supportive person in my transition, although at this point thats pretty much over until we can get my mental health problems under control, because i could never pass the exams for hormones, even if my  guardian would let me. Well that and the fact that i'm starting to accept that i may never be able to get on hormones because of my thyroid disorder. But i'm getting off track. I do not really have adequate dating experience, as ive been with my gf the whole time, and i'm pretty young to even know much about the dating game, but i figured i would announce my wonderful unique pansexxyness on here to make sure all the other pans knew they weren't alone :D

Quote from: Nygeel on March 10, 2015, 12:56:39 PM
There's now the option on OKCupid to label yourself as a trans man, too.

Yep! It says it's not available for all people, but you can also label yourself as sexualities other than straight, gay, or bi -- things I'd never even heard of before, like homoflexible, demisexual, etc., but knew were a thing without having a name for them. Go OKCupid!

Well, here's my highly anecdotal and largely irrelevant personal experience as a (mostly) cis guy, fwiw. I have always been accepting but yet had a dismissive attitude as far as dating for quite a while. I got inadvertently educated and then it just seemed a matter of time before my attitude changed. It was seeing trans men on YouTube and realizing I found many of them attractive and charming that started my education.

For me, if a guy passes (to me) and I find him attractive, then I would definitely date him and see how things go. I'm kind of out of the dating scene altogether for the large part so this is purely academic. I've just never been one to obsess about a person's genitals at all so that was never a big issue. I eventually saw some trans men naked and it remained a non-issue (only pictures). I won't lie that whether they've had top surgery matters more to me, but that falls under passing. I wish I didn't care at all but I'm stuck with my orientation and I'm strictly gay. Breasts just never have clicked for me.

Several of the guys I follow on YouTube have or had cis boyfriends. I think the broader public is still fairly ignorant about trans men but they're quickly getting educated, gay men included. As they learn, I think they'll quickly grow out of this phase and you'll find fewer and fewer gay men who automatically skip over trans men for dating.

Quote from: M->-bleeped-<-ie-Mind link=topic=184438.msg1639373#msg1639373 date=1426007652

Konnor: Your experiences have given me some hope, so thank you for that. If it is not too rude a question, may I ask how you approached explaining your trans status when dating?

Not rude at all! It approached it a few different ways, depending on where I was in the coming out process. My first long term bf, I was just finding out what trans was and thinking it might apply to me. I actually met him on MySpace with a male profile. I passed well enough, but came out to him as AFAB and questioning my gender after our second date. We talked it over and I ended up presenting as androgynous for much of that relationship.

Second long term relationship, he was a friend of a friend. He knew from the get go that I was trans. He didn't know anything about it, but we spent time together and let things progress naturally. Never had any issues.

My husband, I met on OKCupid. This was before they had the option of listing yourself as a transmale. I filled out my profile as a man seeking a man, and put a little blurb on it about being trans and please educate yourself if you planned to message me. He was pretty familiar with trans people so he knew what was up when he read that. He was nervous at first being intimate but we navigated through it and our sex life is pretty great now.

I also am a big advocate for online dating simply because it lets you take your time. We talked for almost two months before we met in person. By that time, we knew each other pretty well and he knew what to expect. He's been with me through my entire transition thus far- coming out to family, coming out at work, starting hormones, and now top surgery next week.

Don't give up hope. I promise there are lots of gay/bi/pan guys who are happy to be with trans guys. The right guy is going to see it as a bonus and not a bad thing. You'll find someone!!  :D

I did not know that OKCupid had that feature! It's certainly something that I shall look into. Thank you so much once again for all your help and comments.

Quote from: Konnor on March 10, 2015, 08:37:02 PM
The right guy is going to see it as a bonus and not a bad thing.

A lot of trans guys are turned off by guys who see it as a bonus.

Wooh, another pansexual man!

Honestly, I haven't found any issues with the gay community in person. I'd say the best bet if you're alright with talking about it, is if someone wants to start becoming intimate just be up front with them. Let them know you're trans, and have different plumbing.

This isn't an option for everyone, some people want to stay 100% in stealth, some prefer to never talk about it, some feel extreme dysphoria with their nether regions, and some simply don't want to have to explain to people what's going on down there. But for those who can do it, this might be your best bet. Some guys will respond and be very confused, some will be very interested, some will dismiss you immediately. It happens.

But for those who are curious or interested, you'll probably answer a couple questions, and then you can offer to keep going if they seem into it.
But don't feel bad, or get upset if someone turns you down because of it, or dismisses you. Remain calm, and even upbeat if you can. Let them know that's alright, and just go your separate ways.
You don't want to get upset or aggressive just because someone else has very strong preferences. It's THEIR deal, not yours.

But the end result for many gay men it seems, is that if you sound male, smell male, and look male, it wont change their experience one bit, so keep your chin up. :)

I'm pansexual myself too.
There is also the possibility of finding someone else who is pan/bi/poly. I knew a bisexual man dating someone who is genderfluid and it was sort of a win-win situation for him though slightly different situation from yours.

I'm married to a gay man and he doesn't have a problem with my medical challenges. If anything, he has taken my transition as an initiative to learn more about gender and cultural norms and to examine his own personal beliefs. We met a lot time ago, though, in high school. I have had a lot of gay men who knew about my trans status from my old Uni ask me out several times. They didn't have a problem with my physical short comings and only one of them was kind of a jerk about it. There's a lot of gay men who are perfectly willing and happy to date trans men. I'm from a small town but the gay community is actually pretty large and established. If you don't have much of a LGBT community where you are, the online options may be better. I have known a few trans women and trans men who are now happily married and they met their spouses online.

I don't really date I just meet or ->-bleeped-<- ::)

when thats said I have mixed experience with cismen. some are transphobic the same way women can be transphobic and sure some arn't. There are those which really would not go with someone trans and then there where those who thought it was rather hot and I guess abit "exotic" in a way. I haven't really been with any gay guys as far as I remember, I know a transman which dated a gay man at a time and so on but those men I been with have been queer or bisexual which I prefer.

I still feel there is bi and transphobia specially in the mainstream gay comunity which claim to be GLBT+ but only are GL orientated, I dont expect much from those places. If im too get serious with someone for real I tell them that im trans when they have meet me and a good time before I expect anything to happen.

I'm bi, but I don't really have much experience dating (forever alone). I know there definitely are some awesome gay cis dudes who are accepting of trans guys' identities, but there's some absolute douchebags (as there always is). just don't give up hope, man - that's all I can say. if you want love, it'll find you eventually. ((hugs))

im pansexual...mostly liking men though, most women around me are very christian and very annoying and anti lgbt
but men here dont mind much
im dating a cisman now, 6 months so far, hes more neutral or agender or whatever, he doesnt care either way, i call him a he and he has his male organs and are fine with them how they are and wouldnt change them
he supports me as a transman, we have vaginal sex, and he loves my breasts because they wont stop growing -.- (im at a DDD now)
hes fine whether i have surgery or not
he was also a virgin before me (well, he was raped by a woman, but rape doesnt count right? thats not sex experience)

Definitely pan here.  I think there are a handful of cis gay men who find the idea of dating a transman intriguing.  I've seen stuff on Facebook from some of my transmen mates who have been dating gay blokes in the area, or they've been on Grindr and hooked up with guys.

I'm a Transman would like to join this group


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It was nice read all the post.

In my particular case, being pre-everything, Im sure I will die alone hugging a plastic plant.

I'm so far removed from dating im not even totally secure in my sexuality. Growing up and doing the female thing it never occured to me to actually like girls, so i never did. Now I'm on the other side I'm a little wary of dating guys. I kinda look at some people and go, hummn yeah i wouldnt say no to cosying up to that, but most of the time i reject everyone, similarly to Kalex i'm gonna end up with a plastic plant as well, LOL.

I would say though that certain gays cant be with a transguy, im talking the goldstar gays who are like eww vajayjay (even when its been gone for over 10 yrs ) they just cant deal with it. Honestly your best bet is with bi/pan and asexual guys unless you're prepared to walk that minefield!

Quote from: The_Gentleboy on April 20, 2015, 12:35:32 PM
asexual guys unless you're prepared to walk that minefield!

Even for the asexual guys, would the transman have to disclose their trans status?...

Yeah you should always tell your significant other but the bi's and pans in theory shouldnt care because they state they like both/any. The asexuals shouldnt care so much because the sex organs arent a thing for them, they usually remain celibate therefore your parts in theory wouldnt mean much to them at all. The minefield is with the gay gys because some will be okay with it many tend not to be.

M->-bleeped-<-ie,
It very possible that you are attracted to both males and females. Finding someone to date is difficult.

One reason people are telling you to date transwomen is that they have experience a lot of the same Hell you have. Before you start dating, get a psychologist or psychiatrist to help you deal with these feelings. Its very difficult to be honest with yourself is you try and access painful memories, rejection etc., but it can be done.

If getting back into the dating issue again, you might want to mention your situation in the beginning stages. Before you fall in love. Its easier on your ego and ability to let her know you as a man first, then take her someplace private and explain your situation. If she accept is, great! If she looks at you like you are green with red polka dots, the its over before you have really invested you heart to her.

sam1234

I'm about a Kinsey 5. I rarely attempt to date, but my experience has been that most cis men will not consider dating a transman. (Although just like MTF's, we do have our fetishists, if that's what you want). All of the gay transmen I've ever met have been with other transmen. Personally though, that's what I want. I would prefer being with my own kind.

Alrighty, ive read almost all of the replys on here

and almost everyone is saying most/all cis gender males would not date a trans

i shall reassure you that they do, i have known my boyfriend, for over 8 years, we have been dating for over 9 months and i am a FtM Trans man and proud of it, i have had no surgery, i am not on T and i am very loved by my Cis gendered gay boyfriend, just like he has said to me many times, when i keep putting myself down or saying im afraid he will leave cause i may not be 'man enough' as i was always told before

''Love is love, your 'bits' shouldn't matter, everyone starts out the same way before they are born, you are a male, even if your body was made differently. and i love you no matter how you look, you will always be my man''

he is one of those gay guys, who has always hated the idea of being with a female, was grossed out by their 'bits' and is strictly gay.

so, if that does not prove, that Cis or even Straight men, would not date a Transgender person, i dont know what does.

He never see's me as anything but a man, and is always reminding me how much he loves my body.




I hope this helps, i know this post has not been replied to in a while. but i thought commenting will help you, and maybe others who come across it.

Feel free to message me for any questions, i am a very open person who is always happy to help

EDIT: AND I just realized this is a dead thread that was randomly brought to life, LOL.  Oh well...

I do wonder if trans men's different experiences with dating cis gay men has to do with the places where they are meeting these gay cis men.  I had a similarly bad experience with a gay cis man in college that actually sent me back into the closet, but we were both very young then.  Now, as an almost 30 year old adult who attends a LGBT church and has been a part of the BDSM and leather community for ten years, I spend time with a different kind of gay man than the sort I was hanging out with in gay bars back in college.  I look back now and realize that the young man I had a bad experience with was new to being out as gay and probably felt that he had a lot to prove to the world.  The older gay people I spend time with now, as well as the people in the leather community (who have their own oddities that must be accepted by their partners), are generally much more open to the idea of dating trans men than those too-cool-for-school college freshmen who probably had never even kissed a boy before, much less have any clue what it really MEANT to be transgender. 

I don't have any actual dating experience as a gay man yet since I am too dysphoric about my body at this point to enjoy bedroom play, but I honestly feel, based on the sample of gay cis men I know, that I will get plenty of dates if I ask out enough people.  Sure, maybe a lot of guys will turn me down.  But I am a strong believer in the idea that if you are confident enough to make the first move, you WILL get results.  This philosophy probably comes from having had the role of Dom in the BDSM community--you are usually expected to be the one to ask a sub if they want to "play."  Often you are turned down simply because you are not the kind of Dom they are looking for (you may not be their physical ideal, you may not have the same kinks, they may just not like the way you smell or the toys you own... It just happens.).  So you go ask somebody else and somebody else until you find someone who wants to play with you.  No one feels hurt being turned down in these scenarios, because it is well established that people want different things and that just because you're not this person's fantasy doesn't mean that there aren't twenty other people out there to whom you are the ultimate fantasy.  It's a community where the concept of "everyone is beautiful in their own way" truly applies, and people compliment the GOOD things in one another without trying to claim that everyone must be attracted to everyone because it's the PC thing to do.  Instead we acknowledge that just because I don't find someone attractive doesn't mean they AREN'T attractive--it just means they aren't attractive to me, personally.  But we still acknowledge them as a beautiful person who is super attractive to others. This way of thinking eventually leaked over into my real life, and I discovered that I was able to get cis men to date me by acting in the same way, minus the talk of "play"--I just had to keep asking different guys that I liked out, and eventually one of those guys would also like me.

Try, try, and try again--it is the key to success in the world of dating for ANYONE.  Also, do your best not to take one or two or even three guys not wanting to date you because you are trans as representative of all men's feelings.  Because it simply is NOT.  There ARE guys out there who will date you!  I have been a part of communities filled with people who love all different kinds of people.  Yeah, some gay guys are focused 100% on the size o' the boy parts.  But there are plenty of them who are really into muscles or twinks or guys who wear makeup or guys who wear leather or blondes or short guys or bikers or dancers.  These types won't care so much about your nether regions as they do about whether you are ripped/scrawny/lipsticked/in chaps/blonde/tiny/on a Harley/twerking.  And they actually make up a HUGE percentage of the population, even if they may not announce their particular interests every single time they meet a person.  Trust me, I've been to clubs and a part of groups that are absolutely FILLED with them!  You just have to open yourself up enough to FIND them, and that means taking the risk of asking people out.  I understand that there is a fear there, but that is why it is best to ask people out in safe spaces, like in a place surrounded by friends you KNOW would come to your defense if someone tried to hurt you.  For example, I could ask anyone I wanted out at my church, because there are always a dozen people around who would come to my rescue if someone tried to hurt me.  I could also ask anyone out at the local leather bar, because twenty leather clad daddies with bodies like Schwarzenegger would be happy to pick up anyone who tried to hurt me and physically throw them out on their butt for disrespecting someone in their space.  As for the psychological pain... Just remind yourself: ALL PEOPLE GET REJECTED.  Mostly for stuff WAY less shocking than being trans. You know, like being five pounds overweight or an inch too short or wearing an ugly pair of glasses.  Luckily for everyone, there is someone out there who likes their guys just fine a little chubby or a little short or with nerdy glasses or even trans.

Okay, final point (since I realize I have been rambling, but it's mostly because the issue of being gay and trans used to REALLY worry me, and I have spent a LOT of time thinking about it lately): Don't forget that there is no guarantee that your status as trans is REALLY the reason a guy doesn't want to date you.  It makes an easy excuse, but he may just not be attracted to you, and what a nice, easy way to not have to say "Sorry, I just don't think you're hot, bro" and come off like a rude, insensitive jerk!  (Yes, they often DO think it is less rude to say they wouldn't date a trans guy than to say they don't find you attractive.)  I know that may seem like the antithesis to making you feel better, but there are ALWAYS going to be people who find you unattractive for some reason (even if you'd been born as Brad Pitt), so who cares?