Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi Ladies,

For some reason today after hearing my friend rave about her amazing bf and how he takes care of her (i.e. picks her up to and from work, takes her to anywhere she needs to go) I sensed a feeling of disappointment and frustration within me. It came from a thought of I can never be woman enough and no one will ever take me seriously being pre-op.

To my ladies, Is it possible to have a serious relationship even as a pre-op woman? I would love to hear your experiences and/or tips.

Thanks,

April xoxo

Hi April,

Don't have much to offer because I'm at a very different point to you but I feel guilty coming her and getting all this advice, so I just wanted to say from your pic you look great and I'm sure he will! One thing I've realised about trying to figure out this trans thing is that it really forces you to see people for who they are and it takes a special and I think just better type of person to have that perspective. So I know its probably really hard, and I don't really know what I'm talking about, but that is a potentially really rewarding thing to find. More rewarding than most relationships I think.

OJ x

April,

All I've got to say is that you are a beautiful and caring person and I truly believe the right person for you will come along.

**Hugs**

Quote from: carmenkate on March 12, 2015, 03:13:06 PM
Hi Ladies,

For some reason today after hearing my friend rave about her amazing bf and how he takes care of her (i.e. picks her up to and from work, takes her to anywhere she needs to go) I sensed a feeling of disappointment and frustration within me. It came from a thought of I can never be woman enough and no one will ever take me seriously being pre-op.

To my ladies, Is it possible to have a serious relationship even as a pre-op woman? I would love to hear your experiences and/or tips.

Thanks,

April xoxo

Hey April, its very possible to find love while pre op. Im in a serious monogamous relationship and my bf and I have been together almost a year. He loves and respects me as a person and as a woman. I was talking to my bff yesterday and we were talking about our relationships with our boyfriends, what yhey did fo us for vday, my uocoming anniversary, her and bf talking marriage and what we both have in common is weve been with these men for at least one year...so weve earned that girlfriend treatment. There is nothing wrong with you at all! U just happen to be single. Take this time and continue to work on yourself as a woman so when your man comes along u will be at your best for him.

Not saying this is you, but I feel like a lot of girls focus too much on trying to be seen as cis women and not getting clocked, when in reality you should want a man who treats you with respect, values you as a woman and is not initially concerned w/ whats between your legs. We get to a point of "passing" and while coming into our womanhood we forget that the girlfriend experience is earned. Im sure ur friends bf wasnt taking her to work from day 1!!

Quote from: carmenkate on March 12, 2015, 03:13:06 PM


To my ladies, Is it possible to have a serious relationship even as a pre-op woman? I would love to hear your experiences and/or tips.

Hi April:

Yes, it is very possible to have a serious relationship even as a pre-op woman. I met my current husband at the beginning stages of my transition, however, he always viewed me as just another woman and treated me as such. We became friends and then ultimately started dating. Eight years later we are still together and married. He loves me for me and I love him for him.

I know exactly how you feel. Before he came along, I felt the same way and cried myself to sleep many nights. I say, be patient. The right one will come in due time. Meanwhile, continue to work on your transition and keep yourself busy. Do things that you love to do. Mr. Right will come along before you realize it.

Hugs beautiful!  🙂

Seemenow, Orangejuice and most of all ImagineKate,

Thank you so much ladies. I guess life has something else for me :)

Love and Respect,

April

I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone.

I just escaped from a very controlling man who I thought was helping me in my transition, but was just making me into his play thing.

I am a little jaded but hang in there, girl.

Thank you so much Jen - you give me hope.

Hugs back gorgeous,

April

Quote from: JenJen2011 on March 12, 2015, 04:18:22 PM
Hi April:

Yes, it is very possible to have a serious relationship even as a pre-op woman. I met my current husband at the beginning stages of my transition, however, he always viewed me as just another woman and treated me as such. We became friends and then ultimately started dating. Eight years later we are still together and married. He loves me for me and I love him for him.

I know exactly how you feel. Before he came along, I felt the same way and cried myself to sleep many nights. I say, be patient. The right one will come in due time. Meanwhile, continue to work on your transition and keep yourself busy. Do things that you love to do. Mr. Right will come along before you realize it.

Hugs beautiful!  :)

Babe, Im glad you're out of that relationship.
Hugs and let us know if you need anything xoxo

April

Quote from: natalie19 on March 12, 2015, 04:20:37 PM
I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone.

I just escaped from a very controlling man who I thought was helping me in my transition, but was just making me into his play thing.

I am a little jaded but hang in there, girl.

Hi. I don't post much anymore but I saw this and thought I'd respond.

Yes, it totally is possible to be pre-op and have a male partner. I was lucky enough to meet a man who doesn't mind my anatomy. We've been seeing each other for almost a year and he's very kind. The most important part for me was learning to get over my internalised sense of loathing and worthlessness. I honestly believed the only person that would ever be interested in me was some kind of fetishist or closet homosexual that was only interested in me for the thing I hated about myself. I was completely wrong. Learning to accept I was wrong has taken a long time. He has never displayed any interest in my "donar tissue" never touched it, I don't think he's ever even seen it. My surgery is happening this year and he wants to care for me while I recover. I honestly have no idea how I found him but I'm thankful I did.
People are out there, male female and everything in between, that are just like you and I. Looking for love and companionship. Don't give up. Yes we got dealt a ->-bleeped-<-ty hand by nature and society but that's no reason to settle. You're the product of millions upon millions of years of life that didn't give up and fought to keep going.
All the best, you're a beautiful example of biological diversity. If people don't see and appreciate that, it says more about them than you.

Isabelle, that is profound. Thank you and I am very happy that you found each other :)
Hugs!

April

Quote from: Isabelle on March 12, 2015, 04:24:51 PM
Hi. I don't post much anymore but I saw this and thought I'd respond.

Yes, it totally is possible to be pre-op and have a male partner. I was lucky enough to meet a man who doesn't mind my anatomy. We've been seeing each other for almost a year and he's very kind. The most important part for me was learning to get over my internalised sense of loathing and worthlessness. I honestly believed the only person that would ever be interested in me was some kind of fetishist or closet homosexual that was only interested in me for the thing I hated about myself. I was completely wrong. Learning to accept I was wrong has taken a long time. He has never displayed any interest in my "donar tissue" never touched it, I don't think he's ever even seen it. My surgery is happening this year and he wants to care for me while I recover. I honestly have no idea how I found him but I'm thankful I did.
People are out there, male female and everything in between, that are just like you and I. Looking for love and companionship. Don't give up. Yes we got dealt a ->-bleeped-<-ty hand by nature and society but that's no reason to settle. You're the product of millions upon millions of years of life that didn't give up and fought to keep going.
All the best, you're a beautiful example of biological diversity. If people don't see and appreciate that, it says more about them than you.

Quote from: carmenkate on March 12, 2015, 03:13:06 PM
Hi Ladies,

For some reason today after hearing my friend rave about her amazing bf and how he takes care of her (i.e. picks her up to and from work, takes her to anywhere she needs to go) I sensed a feeling of disappointment and frustration within me. It came from a thought of I can never be woman enough and no one will ever take me seriously being pre-op.

To my ladies, Is it possible to have a serious relationship even as a pre-op woman? I would love to hear your experiences and/or tips.

Thanks,

April xoxo

Maybe the concept of boyfriend misunderstood, but you can still have wonderful times with a good friend, and even enjoy small things like, going to shopping, eat together or simply go to movies  without being compromise as a "Boyfriend"

Besides, I think there are plenty cis women that have never experience anything close to that. Maybe is just about finding that special person that you can have fun with. 😀

I have given this a bit more thought. When I started transition I always thought dating a man somehow validated myself as female. And I do have those feelings sometimes but maybe that's part of GD.  But I've dated cis girls, and men and pretty much every spectrum in between. Not everything works out but I did learn that anyone is capable of love.  I'm pretty open minded. But it's difficult when the whole pre-op and post-op conversion comes up. Half of me is happy because they haven't noticed it, half of me is anxious because I know that for a lot of prospective dates, it's a deal breaker.  Hugs.

Quote from: natalie19 on March 12, 2015, 05:53:41 PM
but I did learn that anyone is capable of love.

you damm right!

I have met several men who wanted to have serious long-term relationships with me as a non-op woman.

My current boyfriend cleared out half of his medicine cabinet and one entire closet in his apartment for me to have after the very first night I slept over.  In the morning I suggested that we should spend the next night at my place because his bed was a little small for two people. He then immediately went online and bought a new bed.

I don't think I actually spent another night at my own apartment after that. I officially broke my lease a few months later, and that was over a year ago.

This is just to illustrate that there are guys out there who are more than willing to go out of their way to make a non-op/pre-op woman happy.

Lol, 😛 phrasing!

Anyways, I'm 35 and still single.  I'm really scared to even try to find a boyfriend right now.  And even though I have a girls body, and I'm sure I could find someone without trying, it's really scary, since I've never dated anyone in my life.

Good luck!

Amazing Spooky 🙂 thanks for sharing.
Hugs,

April

Quote from: spooky on March 12, 2015, 08:06:01 PM
I have met several men who wanted to have serious long-term relationships with me as a non-op woman.

My current boyfriend cleared out half of his medicine cabinet and one entire closet in his apartment for me to have after the very first night I slept over.  In the morning I suggested that we should spend the next night at my place because his bed was a little small for two people. He then immediately went online and bought a new bed.

I don't think I actually spent another night at my own apartment after that. I officially broke my lease a few months later, and that was over a year ago.

This is just to illustrate that there are guys out there who are more than willing to go out of their way to make a non-op/pre-op woman happy.

I'm preop and I'm in a serious relationship with a guy who I really like and have fallen in love with... We've been together for close to six months I think..

From the title of this thread, I thought it was going to be about something else entirely.  :D

That special someone is out there for everyone.  Trust me. 

Quote from: Jill F on March 13, 2015, 12:48:57 AM
From the title of this thread, I thought it was going to be about something else entirely.  :D

That special someone is out there for everyone.  Trust me.

Why is it my Mods have dirty minds and like heavy metal?

April, It is very possible for a man to have a serious relationship with a pre-op woman. And it happens much more than people know about. From my personal experience, I started dating in high school and met my first very serious love at 17. That's a tough age, especially for someone pre-op.  Fast forward many years later and now I am 57 and happily married to the 'love of my life' and we are celebrating our 17th anniversary this summer.  So yes, it is possible and very special. I would say 95% of my experiences with men have been very positive except for one who tried to use my situation as a means to keep me.  So life is out there for those who want to celebrate it.

My only observation to this point is one dominating thing I have noticed and it has become more apparent since I began reading and studying the T-sites:   I have never let my situation stop me from enjoying any aspect life. It has presented challenges but nothing that was insurmountable or had a work around.  So to you I would say, just live and let live. Enjoy your life, stay healthy, and when you meet a guy -- or that special guy (and you will know) -- just be you. Don't overthink what life has graced us with. Sooner or later love is going to find you.

Stay lovely as ever -- your pic exudes a lovely sweet personality and I know I'm not far off the mark

((Hugs))
Kitten

Thank you so much for the overwhelming advises. I am grateful to all of you guys.
One of you posted a link to Janet Mock's website - Thank you!

check it out: http://janetmock.com/2013/09/12/men-who-date-attracted-to-trans-women-stigma/

I love Janet's advice, especially since she was able to hide as she is very passable but chooses not to.

Hey April, I'm in the same boat you are and I know how tough it feels. Most of my friends all have a SO and it can get very disheartening, but eventually we'll find our Mr Right, Just gotta weed out all the other ones first.

Quote from: Cindy on March 13, 2015, 02:01:16 AM
Why is it my Mods have dirty minds and like heavy metal?

I don't know but Jill and I were on the same page. \m/

April there is someone out their for everyone. I have no doubt someone will be one over by the beautiful caring person you are. I have no idea where the relationship I'm in will lead, but it was my kind heart that one him over so please don't sell yourself short because there is hope for you yet. Hugs
Mariah

Babe, thank you so much for your kind words. I feel the warmth and the generosity of your spirit.
You are a true friend, love you to the moon and back.

April

Quote from: Mariah2014 on March 17, 2015, 09:39:41 PM
April there is someone out their for everyone. I have no doubt someone will be one over by the beautiful caring person you are. I have no idea where the relationship I'm in will lead, but it was my kind heart that one him over so please don't sell yourself short because there is hope for you yet. Hugs
Mariah

Hang in there carmenkate they do come...

I met a wonderful man, who I am deeply in love with and he loves me back.. ok I am post-op and I met him post-op.. but my man knows my past and accepted me .

a funny trick.. dont go looking for a man.. (I am assuming you are looking for a long term thing) as you may come across as desperate.... Almost like "give-up" and before you know it.. you will find one.. I know it makes no sense.. but it works..

I was not even looking for a man, when I met my boyfriend.. it just happened.

April, let me make two points, trying to be realistic here.

1. I know transwomen, especially younger ones (under 40), who are in loving relationships even though they are pre-op.

2. The number I know and have encountered online is small.

It's that second point I think we need to be realistic about, ok? There is always the potential you will meet "Mr. Right" and that he will be patient with you and walk with you through this journey until you and he are finally content together.

But on a practical note, most of westernized civilization tends to be very gender binary rigid and most cisgender men and women have preconceptions and misunderstandings about what being trans means, and therefore they leap to conclusions in which they exclude themselves from even considering a pre-op transwoman.



Short but practical answer? Finding someone when you are pre-op is possible but a lot rarer than we would wish, and I think we need to keep that in mind and be realistic as we approach that personal need to finding our significant other.




P.S. My own experience over 50 is far, far worse, especially living in a state like Texas. The good guys are out there but they are very rare.

Quote from: LizMarie on March 20, 2015, 10:59:50 AM
April, let me make two points, trying to be realistic here.

1. I know transwomen, especially younger ones (under 40), who are in loving relationships even though they are pre-op.

2. The number I know and have encountered online is small.

It's that second point I think we need to be realistic about, ok? There is always the potential you will meet "Mr. Right" and that he will be patient with you and walk with you through this journey until you and he are finally content together.

But on a practical note, most of westernized civilization tends to be very gender binary rigid and most cisgender men and women have preconceptions and misunderstandings about what being trans means, and therefore they leap to conclusions in which they exclude themselves from even considering a pre-op transwoman.



Short but practical answer? Finding someone when you are pre-op is possible but a lot rarer than we would wish, and I think we need to keep that in mind and be realistic as we approach that personal need to finding our significant other.




P.S. My own experience over 50 is far, far worse, especially living in a state like Texas. The good guys are out there but they are very rare.

I'm sorry you had bad experiences.

But you might be aware that this is a game where expectations influence the outcomes.
Your expectations clearly lead to conscious and subconscious behaviour which simply attracts or does not attract certain people.

This is why so many people say doing things that make you happy... and simply forgetting the dating game for a moment...
thats where you can be genuinely yourself, and that attracts...

Well another point is communication... talking about ones wishes and needs...

Well I'd say give it a try... and forget about statistics 🙂
There are many people in all kinds of relationships...

Just believe its possible, thats the first step :)


hugs

I cant offer any advice on this, because me and almost all of the local trans women i know are gay/bi and have girlfriends/ wives (not me im single). you are a beautiful and kind and guys would be lucky to date you.

"Someday my prince will come...." *little birds fluttering*

Anyways. I been on both ends of this question. I found love in three *five?* men in my life. I only loved one man (yeah you ladies know who I am talking about).

*edit; I put too much detail of my men of my life*
--------


Yes... you can find a man, but the only thing I can say... FIND A MAN WHO WILL LOVE YOU. Don't settle for less. The man needs to love you, without that, it doesn't matter if you were Adriana Lima or Jessica Alba, without his love.... you are nothing, but just another person.

But looks do matter. You are very feminine, very beautiful, so you shouldn't have a problem finding a man to love you. Don't settle for less, especially a man who doesn't love you.

I dump men who can't show me their love, even if they are handsome.

Don't lose yourself in the process either. That is my mistake. I was not myself when I am with a man I think I don't deserve. I was not myself when he smile at me, but he didn't buy me a drink.

You always got to remember you are a prize too. Or else, you'll become a door mat, and there's nothing healthy about that.

I always joke and say that I will have better luck dating as a trans woman than as a cis man. Online dating was extremely terrible for me. Not looking and letting it happen was much better.

It is entirely possible to be in a serious relationship pre op. As many people here are sharing, I'm currently dating the person I fist came out to, so he's known me both before and after, and still can see me for who I really am and not who I was pretending to be. It might be harder to find someone accepting but those that aren't likely would have made lousy partners even if you were cis.

I am married now to the man I started dating, I am preop.  It is my first serious relationship EVER.  I am 34.  It took a lot of time, tears, waiting, and FROGS to get to where I am.  But it was worth it.  Spend the time dating YOURSELF is my advice.  Eventually you will meet a guy, and know that he is different from the rest.  It takes patience, and time.  Much love and hugs your way hon.


BTW - the thread title made me think of something dirty too

He will :)

I think you are one of the sweetest people around here    and I am sure the right man will see this 🙂 I also wondrr many times if I am gonna end up alone but reading stories about women who first struggled but are now in long term relationships gives me hope

You will be fine!!

...that's what I say to myself, when I'm not really in the mood for sex, lol  ;D

Don't worry, you look pretty in your avatar; you'll probably meet a guy when your least expecting it. 

You should have no trouble. You look great. Just be sure you're upfront about being transgender. Would hate to hear about a horror story later if things went bad. I can only hope for your good looks.