Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Yesterday I found myself in a local club for a fortnightly meet up with a small social group...only problem being that it was the wrong week. D'oh! Worse, I didn't realise until after I'd bought myself a glass of red wine. No problems, I didnt live far so I figured I'd just drink the wine in peace and walk home.

Within three minutes some guy invited himself to join me at my group of chairs... "room for one more to squeeze in?" he asked... there were plenty of empty seats elsewhere and he's bugging me instead. I gave him a quick half smile (more a grimace??) and then promptly started ignoring him, pretending to be utterly engrossed in my phone while drinking my wine. We sat there in an awkward silence and all the while I just wanted him to rack off. He finally got the message, left when his meal was called and never came back.

I know I am a seriously rude bi@tc# when it comes to random dudes trying to hit on me. I kind of felt sorry for him, and he might have been a lovely guy but I always feel extremely vulnerable in those situations so I just shut down and refuse to interact. Besides, there was no way I'd be interested in him and certainly didn't want to give him even the slightest glimmer of hope or make him think I was leading him on. Sigh.

Now, if he'd been a lovely woman it might have been a different story!

Anyway, I finished my drink and left. But it's made me realise I'm probably unlikely to ever be able to have a quite drink by myself in public without some dude thinking it's an invitation to hit on me. I really am a rude bi@tc# aren't I? :-\

We can't look at them, we can't smile at them, smeg we can't even enjoy a drink with a girlfriend. Without them asking us if we would like a drink, can they sit here or any of the other small excuses they use to try and start a conversation. (Guys I'm using broad generalisations here, if you have a sister please feel free to introduce me to her :P)

You weren't being rude Grace. It's hard sometimes you want to go to a local and enjoy a drink watch a game, listen to some live music or catch up with some friends. You don't always want to be picked up either when your by yourself or with friends, a polite no should be enough

Quote from: immortal gypsy on March 13, 2015, 06:10:03 AM
...we can't even enjoy a drink with a girlfriend...

Good point. Even being with other women, especially at a bar/pub/cafe, is no guarantee of being left alone.

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 13, 2015, 05:49:34 AM
... But it's made me realise I'm probably unlikely to ever be able to have a quite drink by myself in public without some dude thinking it's an invitation to hit on me. ...

I wouldn't mind having this happen at least a couple of times. ;)

Maybe after that it will get annoying...

I don't think it's fair to criticize men for hitting on women every now and then. Isn't that what out society expect men to do? Men are the ones who are supposed to ask the women out, and if they don't women usually won't be the ones to ask them. It's really one of the things I hated most about being a guy, since I never could feel comfortable with the idea of asking someone out without them showing any sign of interest in me first. If it bothers you that much, I hear wearing a fake wedding ring keeps most men away... most being the operative word. :-\

I haven't gone to a bar in nearly 10 years now, unless things have changed drastically it's fairly common knowledge that bars are where people go to pick up on each other

Usually just a polite "I'm waiting for someone, but thanks anyway" will defuse the situation and everyone goes away happy

What I sometimes find awkward is when guys try to chat me up at the grocery store or some other random place

No you're not XD I think I do the same too, and I hate it when you reject them and they get all mad at you, I don't need you to tell me I'm beautiful. #IndependentWomen

I admire men who make the first move...when theyre polite.

I dont understand why some women get mad at men for approaching them. Esp in social situations.

Polite: "Would you mind some company?"
Rude: "room for one more to squeeze in?"

One attempts to respect your interests, the other makes it awkward for you decline.

Good God I feel so old! I haven't been to a bar in ages.

I think a polite negative would be better than ignoring. It can be real hard on the nerves to try to meet someone your attracted to. The ignoring is rude, where something like your expecting a friend or just prefer to be alone would at least acknowledge his existence while still getting your point across.

Quote from: LordKAT on March 13, 2015, 11:54:47 AM
I think a polite negative would be better than ignoring. It can be real hard on the nerves to try to meet someone your attracted to. The ignoring is rude, where something like your expecting a friend or just prefer to be alone would at least acknowledge his existence while still getting your point across.

Well, she did admit to being a bitch about it...


I always try to be nice, but if they don't get the message, then I might turn a little cold.

True, it is just a bit hard to see Grace as rude and definitely not as mean in any way. I think everyone learns from when errors are made. I do to myself all the time.

Quote from: LordKAT on March 13, 2015, 12:46:46 PM
True, it is just a bit hard to see Grace as rude and definitely not as mean in any way. I think everyone learns from when errors are made. I do to myself all the time.

If I recall correctly, she has been rude to other chatter-uppers too, its a pattern with her, lol.   I'm guessing its more to do with being uncomfortable and not knowing how to deal with it than just being mean though. If you aren't used to it or take it in the right way, then it can be off putting for someone who isn't even attracted to the male critter type anyway.

A learning curve for all of us. I think you are right, sometimes when unsure or uncomfortable, I clam up or say the wrong thing and realize later I should have said or done something differently.

I'd say your behavior was just a bit out of line.

First, you should be prepared for guys to be attracted to you. You're pretty, and you probably forgot to carry the flashing neon sign saying you're lesbian. Have a plan for dealing with unwanted attention.

When he asked "room for one more?" you could have said, "No thanks, I'm waiting for friends." At any time he could be snarky etc, but as of that moment he wasn't.

Once he sat down (assuming he introduced himself) you could have done small talk, and any hint that he was after more than a simple friendship you would gently tell him otherwise.

To ignore someone who is at your table (especially by playing on the phone) is rude. If you don't want him there, tell him. Casual conversation can be pleasant without leading to an intimate relationship.

You are not nearly as rude as I usually am to men. I am just not interested and I will be very clear that I am not.

Being clear isn't being rude. How you do it can be.  Nothing worse than mixed messages.

Fortunately for me I like the attention of men (and women), and I like free alcohol.

As a married woman who wears a great big diamond on my finger, I can attest to the fact that wearing a wedding ring is no deterrent at all.  In my experience most men don't even notice it there.

Yup, I might be the worlds second biggest flirt.... only my wife is a bigger flirt than I am.  Luckily, we're very secure in our marriage, neither one of us is interested in anyone but each other, but we both do enjoy a good flirt.  And since we both play in a pool league at a bar once a week, we're use to being hugged, squeezed, snuggled, and (in my case) having my long hair petted regularly.  What can I say?  Flirting can be fun!

It's just all in good fun.

OMG...as awkward as this share is - I have never experienced anything of such and would wonder when will that happen.
Although I have to agree the opening line was a bit rude.

Ms. Grace, we all have our preferences and people just have to respect that. However, this is an acknowledgement of how far you've come in your transition.

Hugs,

April

Grace, I noticed that once I started wearing my wedding rings that the rules of engagement (punintentional) undergo a major shift.   Before I wore them, I got hit on by guys who couldn't tell whether I was taken or not, some of them creepy, some not so much.  I had to learn the art of getting rid of them pretty fast.  Now that I can flash them the bling, if they still insist on hitting on me, I know 100% for sure that they're creeps.   I don't feel bad about being rude or hurting their feelings now.

The bling on the ring means there won't be a fling.

I'm rude, rude, rude... I know. When I decided to transition I never expected I'd be remotely attractive to dudes, or at least some dudes. I feel under a lot of scrutiny when a guy tries hitting on me, it makes me feel very vulnerable and sends me into a weird self contained panic so my response is shut down and ignore and repel. Think I need to work on that, even though I'm not into guys I need to be less of an aloof bi@tc#. Mind you, a lot of my cis women friends tell me they'd just tell those kind of guys to $&@% off, so he got off fairly lightly with me, lol!

Quote from: suzifrommd on March 13, 2015, 08:47:48 AM
Polite: "Would you mind some company?"
Rude: "room for one more to squeeze in?"

One attempts to respect your interests, the other makes it awkward for you decline.

Thanks Suzi, I agree.

BTW, thanks for the feedback everyone. And just so you know, I'm very genial and friendly to people I know and like and I love you all! :D

I stay out of bars. Been there, done that

Hey stranger! :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Grace,

I think he was very forward and started the interaction poorly. In retrospect next time perhaps saying I am waiting for someone would have him walking away. If not then a bit firmer decline would be polite.

I will gladly bodyguard for anyone who needs it.

That said, our world encourages men to be aggressive in approaching women, so you probably did the safe thing by closing off. Letting him in after using a line that makes you feel uncomfortable is unsafe.

Hugs.

Lorenz

I was talking on the phone to my mother today and told her about it - I think she's still coming to grips with the fact that her "former son" is getting pick up attempts from dudes... ::)

There is a fine line between being friendly and invading the party or personal space... I am fairly congenial, but in the same situation I would feel that it was rude for someone to barge in... Polite way is, do you mind if I borrow the seat (busy cafe, bar etc), or do you mind if I sit here, and await an acceptance or a shuffle of people to accommodate.

Anyway that's just me  :P

L Katy