Community Conversation => Transitioning => Therapy => Topic started by: frances_larina on March 14, 2015, 08:23:09 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Choosing a therapist
Post by: frances_larina on March 14, 2015, 08:23:09 PM
Post by: frances_larina on March 14, 2015, 08:23:09 PM
Eight years ago when I first started transitioning I chose my gender therapists carefully. I wanted them to understand my personal issues, so I think I chose ones that appeared to be like who I thought I was. Or could be. Or something.
The first was a woman who transitioned in the 70's. Turns out she had lost everything she loved in the process. Three months in, our relationship ended with her yelling at me that I had to give up the idea of having a family and throwing her notepad at me. The second was an older lesbian my wife and I were seeing for our relationship. Turns out she had a bit of a TERF-y history. That also lasted about three months and ended with my wife refusing to use any pronouns & using a bi-gender form of my birth name I hate. The third for that period lasted six visits. She knew nothing about trans issues but convinced me to continue. Turns out she had found religion and thought she could 'save' me from sin. We also saw one for our daughter and family, a trans man. Seemed very happy with his life. Turns out he was actually a professor. He told us he only kept an office & clients to keep his hours current. He really "wasn't into helping people" and "would much rather go on hikes with the guys".
After all that, I sorta went into a slow spiral of repression. I gave up. Repressed everything but the knowledge that I am trans. Once I'd completely shut down not too long ago, my wife & family were ready to be supportive. I had no idea how to undo what had been done. I discovered my healthcare provider has a new department to coordinate transgender health care, so I called. They recommended a new endo and found a therapist they said came recommended. I figured I had nothing to lose except a co-pay and made an appointment.
First, it's a cis guy. Generally speaking I don't relate well to most men. He swears. I don't. His evaluation of every inner thought is reflected in his facial expressions, many of which are negative. I have mild face blindness & an audio processing disorder; consciously reading expressions is a habit so the frowns & grimaces really throw me off. He's touchy-feely, doesn't really care how my past experiences affect me and quite frankly, I can't tell if he knows what he is talking about or if he's just bluffing his way through the session. He seems way too sure of himself & like he's just throwing vague, abstract stuff out and seeing if it sticks.
And yet...this has by far been the most effective therapist I've met. I'm in touch with my sense of Self for the first time in four decades and the other day I think I felt...happiness. Transition is now just something to get finished up, and I'm starting to believe it is something that I get to do.
Moral of the story? I don't know. Maybe just that I'm really bad at chosing therapists. Or perhaps that the best way to find a therapist is by recommendation, not because you think they've lived through some of your problems, or remind you of who you'd like to be?
The first was a woman who transitioned in the 70's. Turns out she had lost everything she loved in the process. Three months in, our relationship ended with her yelling at me that I had to give up the idea of having a family and throwing her notepad at me. The second was an older lesbian my wife and I were seeing for our relationship. Turns out she had a bit of a TERF-y history. That also lasted about three months and ended with my wife refusing to use any pronouns & using a bi-gender form of my birth name I hate. The third for that period lasted six visits. She knew nothing about trans issues but convinced me to continue. Turns out she had found religion and thought she could 'save' me from sin. We also saw one for our daughter and family, a trans man. Seemed very happy with his life. Turns out he was actually a professor. He told us he only kept an office & clients to keep his hours current. He really "wasn't into helping people" and "would much rather go on hikes with the guys".
After all that, I sorta went into a slow spiral of repression. I gave up. Repressed everything but the knowledge that I am trans. Once I'd completely shut down not too long ago, my wife & family were ready to be supportive. I had no idea how to undo what had been done. I discovered my healthcare provider has a new department to coordinate transgender health care, so I called. They recommended a new endo and found a therapist they said came recommended. I figured I had nothing to lose except a co-pay and made an appointment.
First, it's a cis guy. Generally speaking I don't relate well to most men. He swears. I don't. His evaluation of every inner thought is reflected in his facial expressions, many of which are negative. I have mild face blindness & an audio processing disorder; consciously reading expressions is a habit so the frowns & grimaces really throw me off. He's touchy-feely, doesn't really care how my past experiences affect me and quite frankly, I can't tell if he knows what he is talking about or if he's just bluffing his way through the session. He seems way too sure of himself & like he's just throwing vague, abstract stuff out and seeing if it sticks.
And yet...this has by far been the most effective therapist I've met. I'm in touch with my sense of Self for the first time in four decades and the other day I think I felt...happiness. Transition is now just something to get finished up, and I'm starting to believe it is something that I get to do.
Moral of the story? I don't know. Maybe just that I'm really bad at chosing therapists. Or perhaps that the best way to find a therapist is by recommendation, not because you think they've lived through some of your problems, or remind you of who you'd like to be?