Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey, my name is andrew and I'm 17 about to turn 18. For the past 6yrs I've been fighting against myself...I've been having tendencies to act feminine. First it started out small like being superficial about what I wear and how good I look before I leave the house, but now it's the erge to want to be a want to be a woman. Even feel like a true woman. Im so confused cause I don't act the part out in public. But when I'm alone I beat myself up by going back and forth between being a man or a woman.

I really do apologies if it seems like I'm rambling but I just don't know what to do. I really just need to talk to someone about this, but there's nobody I can talk to....

A therapist or a counselor would be a good start. The way I've come to deal with the confusion is that the me at home is the one without any outside influences. That me is female. That me is what I would be if there was nobody telling me what I should be. The confusion is because you're bouncing back and forth between no influence and society's influence.

Society isn't the issue for me. It's that thought of pushing the self-destruct button on my future goals in life.
I've built myself up to be a man's man while bearing the same constant thought of who I feel I really am. I could go in detail but I doubt you guys want to hear my life story on this..

You sound almost exactly like me, really.

I'll make it short and sweet

All my life I've felt this way but each time it came unbearable, I beat the thought of it back ten fold. Thus I started taking measures to make me more of a man, or look that way. I fought on a regular basis, became masculine, tough, a womanizer, etc. And that's not the worse of it.
Since I was 4 I've always wanted to join the military. Be on the front lines fighting along side my brother in arms. Defending this great nation from threats domestically and internationally. If i do come out those doors to be on the frontlines will slam shut, but this feeling inside has beatn me up for so long I can't hold it any longer.
It seems that I'm in this horrible pickle of a situation and there's no clear way out.

Quote from: StrykerXIII on March 16, 2015, 11:02:34 PM
You sound almost exactly like me, really.

How so??[emoji53]

Definitely gender therapy you need.

Your story is actually similar to most all the MtF's here; we try and try and try to be "manly" (and some of us succeeded) but eventually our real Self comes out, demands to come out, and like you said, it comes down (in many cases) to a simple choice:

Transition, or self destruct.

There are many ways to defend the country, even if combat arms isn't going to be an option. There's 10-100 non-combat troops for every one front line soldier/sailor/airman/marine. All of those other roles are just as honorable as the combat arms people.

As a temporary "holding" action, may I suggest you indulge your girlie self while in private (such as your apartment or room) and/or wear something discreet while in public (such as lady's underwear)...and no, you would not be a freak if you did that. You're allowing a major part of your life to LIVE.

Hope this helps.

:)

Quote from: Beth Andrea on March 16, 2015, 11:19:57 PM
Definitely gender therapy you need.

Your story is actually similar to most all the MtF's here; we try and try and try to be "manly" (and some of us succeeded) but eventually our real Self comes out, demands to come out, and like you said, it comes down (in many cases) to a simple choice:

Transition, or self destruct.

There are many ways to defend the country, even if combat arms isn't going to be an option. There's 10-100 non-combat troops for every one front line soldier/sailor/airman/marine. All of those other roles are just as honorable as the combat arms people.

As a temporary "holding" action, may I suggest you indulge your girlie self while in private (such as your apartment or room) and/or wear something discreet while in public (such as lady's underwear)...and no, you would not be a freak if you did that. You're allowing a major part of your life to LIVE.

Hope this helps.

:)

Beth,

The frontlines is where I belong. I'd rather not take a non combat position. Here, look up TACP. That's what I'm signed up for. I leave June 22 for BT.

And the deal with we are all the same can be a yes and no. I've lived from day 1 being a man. One yr is all fine and we'll but the next this Freakn thought Terrorizes me till I break, and believe me, I'm not the type of guy that would break under emotional stress. But this has, and will be, the only thing in the world that will drop me to my knees asking why. Why me.

Doubt is a funny thing. The only thing that clears it up is hindsight. One thing that may help you is perspective. There are plenty of women that were ex-military men.

Also, not to kick a dead horse, but you really should look for a gender therapist. Note that therapists are just people - they can have biases. Don't set yourself up for failure by talking to one that doesn't know the details of gender issues. You wouldn't see a brain surgeon to fix a broken tooth. 

Just remember we never end up exactly where we think we should be or where we want to be. Be at peace knowing you will make the best choice with the best knowledge you have at that time. You don't know what you don't know so there's no point in regretting life desisions.

It's okay, you'll be okay.

You're right Kova...but by the time I get out HRT won't be an option. Yes I could go through with it but I won't look like a woman, therefor to me I won't feel like a genuine woman.

And don't beat that dead horse, that's just cruel lol. Ima go to a therapist to discuss is further to see what steps I can take.

Quote from: acbonnett on March 16, 2015, 11:10:54 PM
How so??[emoji53]

I fought with myself over it until I was about 22. I didn't dare tell anyone about it, because I was already bullied just for being a dirt-poor, long-haired metalhead. And my parents? P'fah, no way. My mom is a conservative Christian and my father's a real type-A. I stuffed it down and denied myself that it was even happening until I moved away from them and moved in with my fiancee, who's genderqueer. She was the one who finally got me to stop lying about it and just be myself.

Yes and no, my issue isn't with coming out to my family. It tearing down my bridge to my destiny. The only reason why I beat the ever loving tar out the though is just. I can give, not one, but two ->-bleeped-<-s about what people would think of it all. And I'm very OCD about it all. If I want to be a woman there I am going to look the part by looking beautiful. That means I would have to start either now with the HRT or with in the next year. And I won't be able to do that if I'm going to join the USAF.

You'd be surprised how many people on this forum are ex special forces for this very reason. Some of us have rather manly looking tattoo sleeves too. It's how some of us cope and try to push past it.

Quote from: acbonnett on March 16, 2015, 11:59:18 PMAnd I'm very OCD about it all. If I want to be a woman there I am going to look the part by looking beautiful.

Preaching to the choir, honey...I've dealt with OCD since middle school and it fully extends to dressing the part.  :laugh:

Quote from: Emileeeee on March 17, 2015, 12:02:55 AM
You'd be surprised how many people on this forum are ex special forces for this very reason. Some of us have rather manly looking tattoo sleeves too. It's how some of us cope and try to push past it.

That's what I needed Em. [emoji4] holy crap, you don't know how much of a relief that was just to hear you say that.

But I do have a question if you done mind me asking...

Quote from: StrykerXIII on March 17, 2015, 12:04:42 AM
Preaching to the choir, honey...I've dealt with OCD since middle school and it fully extends to dressing the part.  [emoji23]

Yep, so I guess we are riding on the simular boat bud. I really just don't want to be the trans that still looks like a dude...that's what I'm kinda of worried about the most

Quote from: acbonnett on March 17, 2015, 12:08:47 AM
But I do have a question if you done mind me asking...

...and that would be?

When did you start you trans?

Quote from: acbonnett on March 17, 2015, 12:10:16 AM
Yep, so I guess we are riding on the simular boat bud. I really just don't want to be the trans that still looks like a dude...that's what I'm kinda of worried about the most

Definitely know that feeling. Don't worry, though. Just take a look around this place...there's women who have transitioned at all ages, and if I met any of them on the streets I'd laugh my backside off if they told me they used to be anything else.

Now that's very true.
All the things about HRT said you should start early. I guess it was wrong lol

Quote from: Emileeeee on March 17, 2015, 12:12:58 AM
...and that would be?

When did you go through your trans?

I'm on a very slow pace, but I guess I realized it was time to start while I was still active duty. It's why I'm not still active duty. They found out.

I was young and had gotten to a point where I felt like I had to get started right away. Everybody kept telling me to just wait till the end of my enlistment, which was only 2 years out (I was on a 6 year enlistment), but that sounded like an eternity for me. Luckily I still got an honorable discharge, but if you can make it through the entire enlistment without getting that itch, the rewards will be worth the wait in my opinion. I find people hire me sometimes just because they were also marines or they were in the same MOS as me.  I'm also a civilian contractor to the military now, something that could not have happened without my service.

What was you MOS?

And you were in the core for a good while. I appreciate your service.

0323

Which was what? Infantry?

Yeah with some specialization.

Right on. I have a couple friends leaving July for the corps to become Combat Engineers. To bad I couldn't get them to join in with me cause I really don't want to be rocking the vagina cap alone lmao

 Wait. Youre SF? 0323 recon marines ?

That may work in your favor. They know the facade right now. If you get to a point where you feel the need to transition and they're right there with you all the time, it may make it much more difficult on you than it needs to be.

Another sad fact of life..

Very few people actually ever get to live the life they had planned as a child/teen..

I felt the same way when I joined the Navy. I did 8 years and it was very hard dealing with my feelings because I was very alone and unfortunately if you wish to serve you have to keep it a secret. Hopefully that changes soon, but that is the reality of the situation right now. I am pretty lucky to be alive right now, that is how difficult it was at times.

I do not regret my service though. If you can make it through the tough times, the pride you will feel will be totally worth it. The benefits of military service are also excellent, and are going to help me with my transition.

Look up Kristen Beck, she has a movie called Lady Valor that you can watch on Amazon instant video. She is a retired Navy Seal that transitioned, and is pretty much the definition of bad@ss lol. I also have some pretty manly tattoos (big naked woman on my chest lol) but I still really like them, and I think tattooed women are becoming more popular and attractive, at least in my opinion  ;)

Just know that you are definitely not alone, and I wish you luck in making the choice that is right for you!

Quote from: kelly_aus on March 17, 2015, 04:50:32 AM
Another sad fact of life..

Very few people actually ever get to live the life they had planned as a child/teen..

..damn...that was dark....but let explain this to you kelly. I don't give a flying fuc about those who couldn't nut up and follow through with their dream. That simple.

Quote from: Robyn37 on March 17, 2015, 06:34:24 AM
I felt the same way when I joined the Navy. I did 8 years and it was very hard dealing with my feelings because I was very alone and unfortunately if you wish to serve you have to keep it a secret. Hopefully that changes soon, but that is the reality of the situation right now. I am pretty lucky to be alive right now, that is how difficult it was at times.

I do not regret my service though. If you can make it through the tough times, the pride you will feel will be totally worth it. The benefits of military service are also excellent, and are going to help me with my transition.

Look up Kristen Beck, she has a movie called Lady Valor that you can watch on Amazon instant video. She is a retired Navy Seal that transitioned, and is pretty much the definition of bad@ss lol. I also have some pretty manly tattoos (big naked woman on my chest lol) but I still really like them, and I think tattooed women are becoming more popular and attractive, at least in my opinion  ;)

Just know that you are definitely not alone, and I wish you luck in making the choice that is right for you!

Preciate you sacrifice Robyn. And yea, I believe that's just what I am going to do. I just need to work along side this feeling and one day, I can maybe transition

Quote from: acbonnett on March 17, 2015, 08:58:06 AM
..damn...that was dark....but let explain this to you kelly. I don't give a flying fuc about those who couldn't nut up and follow through with their dream. That simple.

I think you misunderstood what her meaning was there.

Quote from: Robyn37 on March 17, 2015, 06:34:24 AM
I felt the same way when I joined the Navy. I did 8 years and it was very hard dealing with my feelings because I was very alone and unfortunately if you wish to serve you have to keep it a secret. Hopefully that changes soon, but that is the reality of the situation right now. I am pretty lucky to be alive right now, that is how difficult it was at times.

I do not regret my service though. If you can make it through the tough times, the pride you will feel will be totally worth it. The benefits of military service are also excellent, and are going to help me with my transition.

Look up Kristen Beck, she has a movie called Lady Valor that you can watch on Amazon instant video. She is a retired Navy Seal that transitioned, and is pretty much the definition of bad@ss lol. I also have some pretty manly tattoos (big naked woman on my chest lol) but I still really like them, and I think tattooed women are becoming more popular and attractive, at least in my opinion  ;)

Just know that you are definitely not alone, and I wish you luck in making the choice that is right for you!

Being in the military was also a lifelong dream for me. I just let the other me come a little too much to the forefront. If I had been born later, maybe I could have served as the other me. Nothing I can do about that though. I also think the tattoos look good on you. It makes me feel better about mine. I've been avoiding sleeveless because of them.

Quote from: acbonnett on March 17, 2015, 12:41:28 AM
Wait. Youre SF? 0323 recon marines ?

Yes. Although that wasn't part of the lifelong dream. That was the "I need to man up" part.

Quote from: Emileeeee on March 17, 2015, 09:08:07 AM
I think you misunderstood what her meaning was there.

No I understood it clearly. Yes people don't get to do what they want to do. But I am, so I don't need someone buttering me up for I won't break down if I decide to trans and not enlist.. The ball is already rolling. This Hardcore feeling is one of those things I'll have to just axcept.

I've been there myself. I struggled in high school for being a nerd. I couldn't even deal with the transgender issue so I repressed the crap out of it until now 15 years after I graduated. I was suicidal. Now I'm living my life. I love being me. No one can take that away from me. A couple days ago a car pulled up next to me while I was walking me dog. The entire family tried to make fun of me. I didn't give a crap. That day was nearly perfect. I absolutely loved it and wouldn't even change that encounter. It took a while to get here, but believe me it does get better.

Quote from: acbonnett on March 16, 2015, 11:00:06 PM
Society isn't the issue for me. It's that thought of pushing the self-destruct button on my future goals in life.
I've built myself up to be a man's man while bearing the same constant thought of who I feel I really am. I could go in detail but I doubt you guys want to hear my life story on this..

Hi Andrew, my MOS was 16P. The best place to meet Susan's veterans is  Roll Call  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,96755.0.html)

I try to herd all the service members over there!  :laugh:

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: awilliams1701 on March 17, 2015, 12:45:23 PM
I've been there myself. I struggled in high school for being a nerd. I couldn't even deal with the transgender issue so I repressed the crap out of it until now 15 years after I graduated. I was suicidal. Now I'm living my life. I love being me. No one can take that away from me. A couple days ago a car pulled up next to me while I was walking me dog. The entire family tried to make fun of me. I didn't give a crap. That day was nearly perfect. I absolutely loved it and wouldn't even change that encounter. It took a while to get here, but believe me it does get better.

I live a pretty damn good life to say the least. I'm well known in school and I have a good number of friends in a vast number of diffrent social group. I don't discriminate.
and not to tout my own horn but im pretty good looking. My whole ordeal is the thought of throwing this life away.  And I know this issue is just going to continue,  but if I do end up accepting it I don't want to end up a guy in a dress. I want to feel like a true woman, and look pretty damn attractive.

Easy now, some of us are damn proud of being men in dresses.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 17, 2015, 01:33:57 PM
Easy now, some of us are damn proud of being men in dresses.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

You can be proud. I'm not hating, nor am I going to bash on you guys. That being said, it does not mean I'm going to Change my stance on the thought

I come here for support just like everyone else. Using someone else's identity in a manner that indicates it's a bad thing is inappropriate.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 17, 2015, 01:40:54 PM
I come here for support just like everyone else. Using someone else's identity in a manner that indicates it's a bad thing is inappropriate.

Hugs, Devlyn

Wait a second. Who the hell said I was using your identity to indicate "it's a bad thing." I never once said that it's bad. I simply stated that I do not want to be a guy in a dress. Especially if I'm going to put my life on hold and spend a lump some of money. You can take it anyway you want but before you start popping shots towards me try to understand what I'm saying.

And whats truly inappropriate here, is you going on the offensive for something that I never said. I do believe that I only said, "I do not want to be a guy in a dress." Where in that did you catch me saying guys in dresses are bad. I don't understand where that curve ball came from nor am I happy about you accusing me of saying that.

That was my original fear when I first came out to myself. However its not anymore. I hope I'll pass in the end, but even if I don't, I don't really care anymore. Would I like to be a hot chick? Absolutely! Do I think its going to happen? No, not at all. I've got my age working against me. I started HRT at 32. That a lot of T poisoning. I'll take what I can get. Embracing it though has just been so wonderful.

Quote from: acbonnett on March 17, 2015, 01:29:14 PM
I live a pretty damn good life to say the least. I'm well known in school and I have a good number of friends in a vast number of diffrent social group. I don't discriminate.
and not to tout my own horn but im pretty good looking. My whole ordeal is the thought of throwing this life away.  And I know this issue is just going to continue,  but if I do end up accepting it I don't want to end up a guy in a dress. I want to feel like a true woman, and look pretty damn attractive.