Susan's Place Transgender Resources

One of the most amazing experiences you can ever have in life is "gender freedom." That point where you finally realize that, no matter how you act, no matter what you say, people are still going to see you as exactly the self that you see yourself as.

This is a post coming from someone who has now been full-time for about one year, and is just now looking back on my pre-transition self and realizing just how much I was holding myself back.

I believe every trans* person has experienced this in one regard or another. A lot of people are so scared of having their "secret" revealed that they overcompensate, forcing themselves into this limited range of stereotypical masculinity/femininity and doing EVERYTHING they can to make sure they're seen as a normal member of their birth sex.

In my case, I did exactly the opposite. I hated the image of the "typical guy." Every time someone looked at me and automatically assumed that I was one of those dickish dudebro guys, it killed me. So I did everything possible in my power to NOT be seen as one of them, and to make absolutely sure that NOBODY treated me like that. If I had to be seen as a guy by people, I reasoned, I refused to be seen as one of "those guys" that I hated. Which means that I limited myself to only doing things that weren't stereotypically-masculine. I did everything in my power to not be a dudebro, I never drank, I made sure I never did what I saw as stupid stereotypical-guy things, I made absolute sure that I treated everyone as nicely, as friendly, and with as passive of an attitude as possible, I never swore or spoke in an obscene manner, I hated myself for my own sex drive, I refused to be one of those guys who was constantly objectifying girls. Basically, I forced myself to barely be alive because I was so determined to not be seen as a normal guy... I forced myself to be this closed-off person whose only character trait was being nice.

About a week ago, now post-transition, I caught myself swearing at another car in anger. And I realized something amazing. I didn't care anymore. Because swearing no longer made me one of "those guys," it just made me a girl who got angry at things sometimes just like everyone does. I mean, I wouldn't want to be seen as a bitch by people, but I know that the way I swear in frustration isn't to the degree that it's abnormal and bitchy, it's just a normal level of emotional outbursts that everyone has. It's what you'd expect from a typical woman with a typical occasionally-stressful life. And I realized, I am totally 100% okay with that. This same level of perfectly-acceptable swearing would have made me hate myself pre-transition because I would have hated the notion of being seen as a normal guy. But now? There is NO WAY that I can EVER be seen as one of "those guys." Even if I acted and did things in as stereotypical of a masculine manner as possible, nobody would see me as one of "those guys" now, because, well, I'm a girl. So no matter what I do, people are still going to be seeing me as a girl, the self that I see myself as in my head. At worst I'm going to be seen as a woman with anger issues. But I don't care! They're still seeing me as a woman. They're still seeing me as a self congruent with who I actually am.

I felt so free after I realized that... because it means my entire life isn't this constant defensive struggle to somehow try and get people to understand that I want them to see me like they see a girl, not like they see a "typical guy." Now, I don't have to anymore. I am me! And I can't stop them from seeing me as me no matter WHAT I do!

I've now had three people who I knew pre-transition and met again later tell me "you are so much happier now. You're actually talking to people, and actually smiling, and you actually look like you're living life."

The further I go along in transition, the more I realize that I wasn't really living my life before. I'd shut myself off in my own little corner of the world where nobody could judge me. Where now I feel completely free to act exactly as I want and like the things I like, because no matter what those things are, people are finally seeing the self on the outside that I see myself as.

This is one aspect of transition that I don't think really gets enough exposure in mainstream media, which is why I want to talk about it. It's not even about the body... it's not about the freedom to be socially "allowed" to do the things that your identity gender does. Because both guys and girls can do masculine or feminine things, both guys and girls can be nice or be obscene. It's not about that. It's about the feeling that you actually are the self you've always seen yourself as regardless of what you do, and the sheer freedom that comes from knowing that other people are going to see you that way no matter what... that whether doing masculine or feminine things, your external self finally matches your internal self. Yes, it's worth it. It is SO worth it.

And no, this isn't even about having a perfectly-gender-conforming body. I actually still don't really like my body. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself physically for having gone through a male puberty, or for still being stuck with the anatomy of my birth sex. But in terms of social freedom, in terms of finally being free to live my life and be the self that I've always seen myself as, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

So this is just a friendly little message to encourage everyone to be themselves, no matter what that self is. Because when other people finally see you as that self that you've always seen yourself as, and when you're loved and accepted and seen as that authentic self no matter what instead of as a self that you hate, there is nothing in this world that will make you happier. :)

Carrie, I am happy for you and I understand your point.

I am on the path behind you.

Thank you for this post, I really needed to hear all of that and I needed it badly right now. Thank you thank you thank you...hugs...

Thanks for sharing this, Carrie!

I am still pre-everything but when I started out on the path to self-acceptance, I was worrying too much about whether all my thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, behaviors etc are feminine or not. Eventually I realized that not everything can or should be forced into these gendered straitjackets. What really matters is our own understanding and self-perception of who we are, not all these stereotypes.

WOW!!!.......Carrie, that is an amazing story. I loved every word. Everything you say is so true and not enough people articulate this part of being trans. I am really happy for you and thank you for sharing this. It will sure give strength to many people here.

This has to be one of the best things I've read in some time.

Carrie you have summed up exactly how I feel .I am now starting to transition in the workplace and I feel so alive and happy now I can behave the way I feel inside is the real Me .I am more open friendlier happier than I have ever been in my life .And people respond to the new Me a lot better than they ever did .It seems that people can see that this is the way I was always meant to be .And I have had almost universal acceptence in the workplace in a feminine persona .I have more close friends (mainly female ) than I have ever had in My life .Other people say that they have never seen Me so happy and laughing as I am now I have come out.As you said natural traits You hid away can now come to the fore and the freedom of not hiding away is such a release

Carrie, I think you're right about this. One of the worst things about living as a guy for me was feeling as if I was never allowed to express who I actually was. As of late, I've started to think that much of my own feelings of worthlessness stemmed from the fact that I had always had to police my own behavior. That I could never be too feminine or people would hurt me. I know for a fact that I've missed so much due to hiding, and I'm frankly tired of it. It also seems the more I've come to accept myself, the greater my need for authenticity becomes.

This actually reminds me of something that occurred just the other day. Realizing that I need to own who I am and stop hiding, I decided to draw a little inner self portrait with a fact sheet attached. Lots of things about who I am, and what I like, etc. Normally I just leave this kind of stuff in my head, but I felt I needed to put it down on paper, to make it "real." A first step towards coming out of my shell, if you will. Anyway, I decided to show it to my therapist, and one of the things she commented on was where I described myself as being highly introverted. She thought it will be interesting to see if, as I transition and become more comfortable with myself, I become more extroverted. Anyway, this reminded me of this, so I thought I'd share.

When you reach a certain level of confidence in your own womanhood you start to feel that whatever you do is something women do because you're a woman and you're doing it.  It's one thing to realize it intellectually and another to actually feel it.  I have been going through this a lot myself.  I have no interest in doing things because women do that, or not doing other things cause that's men stuff.  I just want to be like myself and not try to fit some socially constructed template, that was the point of going through this in the first place, ya know?  A lot of the point anyway.. Whereever I happen to fall on the masculine/feminine continuum, great, whatever.

Quote from: JenSquid on March 30, 2015, 05:29:34 AM
Anyway, I decided to show it to my therapist, and one of the things she commented on was where I described myself as being highly introverted. She thought it will be interesting to see if, as I transition and become more comfortable with myself, I become more extroverted. Anyway, this reminded me of this, so I thought I'd share.

That one, I don't know about. I have DEFINITELY become more comfortable around other people, and people are talking to me more, where before I pretty much always ended up being the person at social gatherings who was sitting in the corner by myself not talking to anyone.

With that said, though, I'm still shy. It still takes me a long time to get to know people, and I still feel like an afterthought in terms of people actually wanting to hang out with me. I still spend most of my time at home on the computer alone. It's just that I enjoy the social interactions that I do have much more. So yes, you probably can expect a bit more social comfort. But that doesn't really mean you'll magically turn into an extrovert.

Quote from: BunnyBee on March 30, 2015, 11:33:45 AM
When you reach a certain level of confidence in your own womanhood you start to feel that whatever you do is something women do because you're a woman and you're doing it.  It's one thing to realize it intellectually and another to actually feel it.

EXACTLY!!! :D

Quote from: Carrie Liz on March 30, 2015, 12:39:15 PM
That one, I don't know about. I have DEFINITELY become more comfortable around other people, and people are talking to me more, where before I pretty much always ended up being the person at social gatherings who was sitting in the corner by myself not talking to anyone.

With that said, though, I'm still shy. It still takes me a long time to get to know people, and I still feel like an afterthought in terms of people actually wanting to hang out with me. I still spend most of my time at home on the computer alone. It's just that I enjoy the social interactions that I do have much more. So yes, you probably can expect a bit more social comfort. But that doesn't really mean you'll magically turn into an extrovert.

Thinking about it, I'm going to have to agree with you. I don't see introversion as a personality trait changing much. If reflection fuels you, I see no reason why that would change just because you're more comfortable with yourself. Rather, the appearance of introversion would change as interaction becomes less stressful and consequently less draining. Perhaps a better term would not be level of introversion, but outgoing-ness? Or shyness in the negative? Good call, Carrie.

This is a great post and I know what you mean. Even though you were probably more likeable not as a "dudebro"  it's still uncomfortable to limit one's personality and actions by trying to not be something- rather than simply being oneself!
I find avoiding certain behaviors on the ground of "people might think you are ___" generally a negative concept, especially since it is often just a nasty way of being petty about differences.  Straight men don't hug because they don't want to be seen as gay, women being expected to put up with more from other people because they don't want to be seen as too aggressive/masculine etc...  I am a big fan of people not doing something for GOOD reasons, like not hurting others (when it's a legit scenario of harm being done), or because they don't enjoy it.  You should be able to drink beer if you like it, curse if you need to (it's even mildly helpful when you smash your finger in a car door!), and be yourself as much as possible!  But I guess I am just a  crazy Libertarian that way- I approve of freedom so long as one can be mature and responsible for the things you do!