Susan's Place Transgender Resources

A recent thread (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,185506.0.html) about a TV show claiming to feature a transgender dad was called out for misgendering by the crew here at Susan's because the parent in question was MtF and therefore, clearly not a male.

Can you be a dad without being male?

I know a number of fulltime MtFs who are comfortable with their kids, both grown and minor, still calling them Dad. Some have said that they raised their children as fathers for most of their lives, so in that respect they are seen by their kids (and probably will always be) as dad.

What do we think about this? Can a female be a dad? Is it OK for a MtF transitioner to be called a dad by others when she provided the sperm, and was the father in their kids lives? Or should an MtF never be referred to as a dad?

I think it depends on the individuals involved and what they are comfortable with as they work things out between themselves.  My son calls me by my first name and my daughter calls me 'Mum and refers to my 'ex' as being her birth mother.

My daughter is going to be 18 in 2.5 month. She called me Dad when she was very young and my first name since she was 7 or 8 or so. I would be comfortable with my chosen name or my legal name when it is changed.

Although "Dad" is considered a male label in the English language, the question isn't as simple as that. Part of it depends on the person who was in a male body at the time the child was born. If a child is under three, they would probably not remember the parent as being the Dad. Long term memory starts at 3yrs of age, so changing to a second Mom whether the marriage stays intact or disolves. If the child is old enough to understand what is going on at the time of the change, I would think that they could be sat down and explained that they now have two Moms.

In the end, the choice is the person who has gone from male to female, but once a child is in school, calling a female "'dad", might cause problems for the child as far as being picked on. Forty years ago, adoption was considered odd (I was adopted and no one ever believed it). and twenty years ago single parents were not as common. These days there are children with two moms because of a lesbian relationship, so the leap to having two moms due to gender reassignment surgery would not be that hard even though it wouldn't be the same as a lesbian relationship that started with two moms.

sam1234

This is extremely tough for me.

I have three four year olds. My son especially will NOT let go of the term "daddy" for me. He calls me daddy like every two sentences. Loudly, very loudly in fact! So much so that it has the potential to out me but so far I haven't gotten any indication that it has (ma'am, miss, and people treat me like a woman).

My therapist suggested that I look for an alternate title to call me.

It is extremely hard to do so.

It would also dishonor their mother if they called me mom.

So, I don't know what to do!

My daughters are better about it. In fact one of them I swear gets the whole trans thing down to a T now.

I thought about this in the other thread, so I'm glad this came up here. 

My daughter is 14.  I will always be her father and I will never be her mother.  So as far as I'm concerned, I will always be her dad.  If that's what she's comfortable calling me, so be it.  When the time comes, we'll have to come up with something for her to call me in public. 

But the whole thing really is personal preference. 

Hi,

I have two adopted daughters and four grandchildren.   One daughter still calls by me my old male name.   The other does not use a name. ..I'm "you".  Two grandchildren call me grandpa and two call me grandma or you.

I love them all.   

Still hurts a little. .

Jen

I have always believed that the "dad" name is something a person earns. Anyone can father a child but you get to earn the right to be labeled a dad. I am proud of my kids when they call me dad in whatever mode I am in. I wear the label proudly.

I'm not a parent and never have or will be. I think it's best left to the child

Hi
,
A little different for this male  / female being intersexed brings with it a difference that no matter how im seen or accepted im still their father as in giving of myself to Jos so she could have our children  she gave birth were I could not , we have 3 grown up and with their own kids 11 of ,

Yes im a female and yes im a male in some aspects all together it makes me who I am and no way will I deny that part of who I am and why should I , if you like my maleness has made it possible  for myself to get this far in life,

theres been many aspects that I could not have done with out  ,Though I knew 57 years ago  what I was /am  just not like a real male , still ,all that matters is we have our children and a large family of 18 of us so  though  I may not have been a real father in the true sense , im still their dad no matter what ,

I don't care what im called dad mom granddad or grandma  or noeleena we are still family .

...noeleena...

I kind of left this one up to my son...  If he had wanted to call me dad still, I would have accepted it, because I was his dad and will always be on some level.

He has chosen to call me Mom though, which thrills me!  :)  I think he likes the idea of having three moms...  His biological mother, which she will ALWAYS be and I'll never try to take that away from her, myself, and my current wife...  It works for us.

I told all 5 of my children that I am and always be their dad.  Mine run in age from 28 to 17 and I told them once I go full time we can decide what they can call me in public.

I did tell them that they could always tell their friends that they were going over to their dad's house for dinner and she's making spaghetti.   

There is multiple positions on this for me.

Biologically yes and it has to stay that way for health, hospital and other similar reasons. It comes with the small print and I accept that and my responsibility to do so as their interests come first always. I have had to out myself numerous times in the last year just for this reason otherwise they always assume I am the mother which is not correct and causes its own issues.

Subjectively or general reference has proven to be interesting. Early on they called me dad in public ( 8 and 10 years old) and it caused more than a few awkward moments as I generally pass pretty well. We have since chosen to use a descriptor from my heritage ( Romanian) which is benign and draws no attention but it still means dad. They call me Tata all second nature now and it still honors my role in their life and it creates a safe name to use in public that people just ignore. I asked if they wanted to call me by my first name and they did not and like the dad reference version instead. So all is good and it worked out.

Everybody's situation is unique but this works for me and for my kids.

The fact that we are talking about children here makes things more complicated. Although I think it would be uncomfortable for me and a source of ridicule for my son if he called me his mother, (I got off easy, I was already transitioned when he was born), it wouldn't cause resentment. If on the other hand, I had a wife who called me her wife, it would make me resentful because I would feel that either she had no respect for my feelings, or felt that I was still a female regardless of the fact that I was now a male.

Children are really too young to expect them to fully understand what being a transgender is and means. Its hard for adults in many cases as well, but I expect them to have enough respect for another person's feelings to call them by the proper pronoun.

sam1234

Mine are all adult now, I don't know what to expect, I kind of hope, if there's still a discussion point, that they just call me by my first name. I am clearly not their birth Mother, but if they call me Mum 2 I'll be delighted by that  8)

However, it gets tricky, my grandkids call me Poppy... what will happen, Nanny Katy, maybe???? Hadn't really given it a lot of thought till this thread came up... Thanks Suzi  :laugh:

However this may all, of course, be a mute point? Dunno yet ??? Soon though..

L Katy

Every one of us is different. For me I'm okay with my son choosing what to call me. Right now he interchanges it quite often. I'm divorced with some shared custody rights and when I go to pick him up he gets really excited and often calls me "mommy" or "mom". If he's scared or really needs me then he calls me Chris. I don't correct him. I have told my x that our son can call me what he pleases and that he's the only one who can ever call me daddy. He has done so every now and then when he wants to express his love for me by kissing me on the cheek, hugging me and saying "I love you daddy".

I'm fine with this. I love him and he loves me and that's all I that I really need as a parent right now

So, this is an interesting one.  For my family, personally, this is our take on it:

I have 20 and 18 yo sons, and a 16 yo daughter.  The boys call me Dad, and my daughter calls me Dad or MomD (mom-dee).  I fathered them.  I am their father.  I changed my name on their birth certificates, but my name is listed as the father.  It is what it is.  They grew up referring to me as Dad.  I changed my name and gender, not my parental position.  So, for us, we keep that area as it was and they can call me what they will.  I know they mean no disrespect toward my gender, and they do use female pronouns when referring to me.  My wife mothered them and she has earned that title.  It works for us, and sometimes the looks we get in public is kind of comical.  Of course, I do not care about being stealth, so for them to outwardly clock me to people in public by calling me Dad does not bother me.  To me, it shows people that we are still a tight family and that my transition doesn't 'hurt' my kids (as so many people think).

I have two daughters and both of them are in their early 20s. I am their dad and always will be. Their mother is their mother and always will be and I don't want to try to compete for that title - their mother rightfully earned that title and she keeps it as far as i'm concerned.

The haven't called me dad in public as of yet but if they ever do I'll own it and won't be embarrassed by it in the least.

What about "moppa" ;)

Quote from: rachel89 on March 30, 2015, 03:22:02 PM
What about "moppa" ;)

My therapist suggested that. My response was eww. She suggested something in Hindi like didi (sister) I may go with that.

I always will be my children's dad/father but in public it's Izzy.

So what's wrong with that.

If someone is so wrapped up with semantics :icon_no:

As Jenniferinutah said, I think it's kind of an earned thing. My fiancee's "father figure" was her grandfather, as her biological dad was MIA and her mom hadn't remarried yet. So he will always and forever be "daddy" to her, and she calls her biological father and her stepfather by their first names...so on this topic, it's kinda hard to say.