Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Not sure if this belongs under sexuality or here, feel free to move it if needed.

So I'm not trying to complain here. More just looking to know I'm not alone. And maybe some hope?

I feel like I'm really hating labels lately because they just shove me into smaller and smaller boxes. Still it's nice to have a definition, to be a part of something. But I wonder if that "something" is so small or invisible or whatever that I'll ever find a real life flesh and blood someone to share the same tiny box with.

See I'm trans. But I'm also asexual. But that doesn't mean I'm totally against the idea of having someone, something more than a friend. Someone to grow old with. But I'm also gay.

I just feel like all of that it too much to ask someone to accept. I feel like it'd be hard enough to find someone if I was a cis-male who was gay. But add trans AND asexual...I dunno.

Does anyone else ever feel like by being themselves, they're dooming themselves to be forever alone?

Like I said, I'm not really looking for answers on how to fix this or how to meet people exactly...just a bit of hope that I'm not the only one thinking this?

I'm asexual too and been alone for about 22 years now. I imagine if I really put myself out there and didn't worry about too many standards though, I could change that, but I won't. I'd rather be alone than deal with some of the issues with it. But then I'm old, ugly and fairly undesirable in general, but a young person stands a better chance. So don't give up hope.

I do think this way but its mostly my fear of being locked in a cage and being controlled.

Sometimes I wonder about this.  I'm a young teen, my whole life ahead, lol, but still.  I can swing one way or another when it comes to gender attraction, ya know?  If I like the person, then I like the person. 

That being said, I'm mainly into fem dudes.  The few girls that I've been attracted to have been androgynous lesbians, so that avenue is pretty impossible. 

I believe in the inevitable.  There's someone out there for you, someone that will click with you, love you for you, etc.  Dude, you'll find someone special.  Don't get too depressed.  The super amazing sexy lovable perfect partner won't judge you on genitalia. 

The thought of being alone for the rest of my life depresses me. I'm not asexual, and am attractive in lots of ways (except my face, alas), but have had trouble finding people who will stay around past the first date.

It's gotten better since I've been upfront about my gender identity on my dating profile.

So the takeaway would be, if you find yourself looking, blow your horn. Proudly trumpet your asexuality, gender identity, and the fact that you're gay. At least the people who do find you, well you're the one they're looking for.

Hang in there Abe. The perfect one is out there, I promise you, but finding him will be the challenge.

I totally agree with Suzi. The right person is out their for you. Whether or not you share what boxes that make you you or not is your choice, but like Suzi my being honest and up front has actually been a plus and not a negative. My current boyfriend I was upfront with very early on. It took him a little while to fully process, but in the end he has hung in their and be very supportive. Regardless of what you do you what feels most comfortable to you and when your ready. Good Luck and hugs
Mariah

Despite an attraction to women I believe I am likely asexual also. I've never been interested in chasing down a partner specifically to hook up, I can survive very well without sex but would love to have a person I can be close, intimate friends with. I realised a long time ago I didn't have a partner largely because I rarely could be bothered putting myself out in the field... on the occasions I tried I seemed to get into a relationship reasonably quickly but they never lasted. Maybe it was because, presenting as a male I wasn't enamoured with the idea of hetro sex with a woman... maybe after replumbing I will look at it differently. Maybe I'm not asexual, maybe I will find a loving partner... maybe I just don't know. Only time will tell. :-\

I'm in a little bit similar situation. I feel asexual. Which feels separate from feeling FtM. I also feel like I'm meant to be one own. I'm in a relationship now but I seem to always disappoint and hurt her by not being what she wants me to be, especially sexually. I feel it's not going to last long but I would look forward to having my own space and life. I've never met anyone who's interested in a very close, intimate relationship without sex. I'm starting to feel like I just need to be on my own.


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I'm feeling this too. Before i came out to myself as trans, i came out as a lesbian, and at this time I thought "hum this quite reduce the pool of potential 'person to grow old with'". Today, I'm a ftm, attracted to guys. So yes, I can't help thinking "Well, this is not getting better, odds are getting thinner and thinner".

I'm asexual and aromantic with an aesthetic atraction to men. I have always enjoyed time alone but I do love company too. I get what I need from close family bonds and very close friendships, though I do need more of a social life. I enjoy knowing a variety of people. I often enjoy living with friends as roommates. Sex has never been a thing for me and I seem to be romance blind. Even if my internal dialogue that suspects I have been straight all along, just with the wrong body for that to be possible, my life experiences thus far have taught me not to fear solitude. Even in my isolated social world living in a big city helped me get the human contact I never felt worthy of. My point is, we are only as alone as we believe ourselves to be. If you are honest with the world the world will welcome you!

I've got used to it,been single for 10 years and had 3 dates!Sometimes I'd like to find someone as damaged as me but it's not going to happen

Quote from: AbeLane on April 03, 2015, 04:36:06 PM
Does anyone else ever feel like by being themselves, they're dooming themselves to be forever alone?

Oh, it's just the opposite! There's nothing, nothing, NOTHING more attractive then being one-hundred-percent, unapologetically yourself! The more you do this, the more you embrace who you are, the more comfortable you are with yourself, the more the right people will flock to you.

I feel like my pool of people who would be interested in me right off the bat is probably smaller. But I also think my feeling more confident and comfortable with my body has improved the odds with the options that remain.

I was worried I'd be alone.. After all, the potential dating pool for a non-op lesbian isn't huge.. But I've had 2 relationships since I transitioned and if I can find 2 who love me, there must be another one out there somewhere..

Thanks for the support. Like I said, just wanted to know I'm not alone. It just sucks sometimes being my age (I'm 28) and most of my friends are married, with kids and them wondering what the heck I'm doing still alone bums me out sometimes (and since I'm kinda closeted it's hard to explain to them to get support there).

Oh I definitely feel your pain, Abe!  While I am not asexual or a gay ftm, I am a devout Christian that wishes to find a woman with similar spiritual beliefs as mine, and I HIGHLY doubt that is going to happen because most of those same women would find me an abomination before God.  To be fair, I would say that it would be hard to find a Christian lady being a straight, cisgender man.  Being transgender is almost like a "death" sentence concerning my romantic life. Now add being pre-transition in the mix.  It is very depressing.  I did manage to find one lady I fell in love with a little over a year ago.  We are not together anymore, but even back then, our compatibility meter was just totally off.  Yeah, you are so not alone in this. 

Yeah adding pre-T into the mix is hard. I feel ya.

your definitely not alone

While it is not a focus in my life right now, it is something I think about. Toss me in the "your not alone" camp

Asexual and gay can be a tough one!  But I actually know two asexual gay couples.  They really don't do sexual things more than once a year or so.  I don't want to say one way or the other, however I think you'd have just as good a chance of finding a partner as a cismale who was also asexual and gay!  I feel like my gay friends, even the extra-sexual guys are not as shallow about appearances and how good your penis is as society seems to make gay men out to be. Yes, there are tons of shallow people in the world, but they aren't also worth the time to bother with if they can't be bothered to give you a chance to be yourself vs. live up to their expectations.  Many of my gay friends have hit on me, kissed me and told me I'm hot.  If I weren't super shy about hooking up, I would probably have as many guys as I could handle in all kinds of different situations as far as relationships go.  I think the toughest part is it seems a little tough to find asexual guys, ha ha!  But many couples I know have different levels of libido and have arrangements that work for them, so don't worry bro ;D  communication, trust and honesty are the most important parts of a relationship.  Beyond that, so many people are very accepting of all kinds of differences.  If you don't need to date someone who is also asexual or might have willingness to have an open relationship, that could possibly ease some possible strain, but it's always up to you and the people you end up dating to decide what is okay for both of you and communicate if needs change!

Being totally alone, no family, no friends, no partners does freak me out! despite the fact you are still you, some will want to distance themselves for many, many reasons... e.g. They are close to your family and if they are in total horror of what we have done, then they may feel compelled to cut you out.

As far as sexually goes, I can (at this stage) take it or leave it... to me having a close friend and a group of others that I can enjoy life with is my prayer for the near, medium and long term future!

Sorry the thought of loneliness just makes me shudder to the core...

L Katy

because of who i am and all the baggage and the blah blah past stuff, i lost the ability to connect on an intimate level or any level at that. i've become incapable of forming and maintaining relationships or the desire to make one. simple put, i dont like humans or human contact. sure i have friends but i cant consider them friends anymore, more so acquaintances. i cant fear being forever alone because its become a natural part of my existence