Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, I'm a 33 year old male, been married to my wife for nearly 8 years, and she's pregnant with our first child.

When I was younger, I can remember wishing I had breasts, praying and praying and praying to wake up the next morning with a set of my own, but no luck of course.  I would steal/buy women's underwear and lingerie to wear.  I wished (and still do wish) I could grow my hair out (trying unsuccessfully once since it's so curly). I pierced my ears and enjoy wearing dangly earrings, and I enjoy painting my finger nails, etc...  I wanted to crossdress several years ago, but never did, and I even used to want to crossdress as female anime characters for conventions, but never did!  My wife has questioned my sexual orientation before.  I'm not exactly masculine, my mannerisms can be quite effeminate and I am small framed.  She has expressed thinking that maybe I was a closeted gay man, but if anything I always rebutted her saying that I was just a lesbian trapped in a man's body!  I've also been wearing thong underwear since I was about 15.  Once I found thongs for men where everything didn't hang out the sides, I was just ecstatic!

Now I wonder how much of that is actually true and not just something I can continue to brush off.  I feel like I might want to live as a woman, or at least try to.  I just don't know where to start.  I've spent so long conforming to this male role in my life.  I'm thinking now about wigs, a manicure, earings, makeup and nail polish, shaving my legs, and of course the clothes.  Not sure where to start though except to visit a nail salon and then go wandering through the women's department at Kohl's!  And I have to be able to go back to work on Monday morning!

I watched a couple videos of transgender children and I could relate with everything they were saying, but at the time 20-25 years ago it wasn't something I had much control over and never expressed it to my parents anyways I don't believe.  I got into the gothic scene at the end of high school and into college, and that was great because I could be completely androgynous without any questioning glances.  And maybe that's all I really need or want, I don't know...  I need to talk to someone though to figure things out I guess.

And then there's the problem of my wife and my family.  My wife is in tears since I told her about this just a couple days ago.  Well I haven't even told her I wanted to start trying to live as woman yet, just that it was something I could identify with these transgender children and I wonder if I've just suppressed it all these years and what I should do now.  She's worried she won't be able to stay with me or that I won't want to stay with her, but I couldn't imagine not having her in my life.  I hope that she can find it in her to let me experiment and find myself without judgement.  I hope that I can be the "father" to our daughter that I want to be to her as well.  I enjoy working with my hands and fixing things, doing what I can to make things right, and this is something that I feel I need to make right, or at least figure out if it needs to be made right!

I read somewhere that this forum had an "Androgyne" forum?  Can someone point me there maybe?  I can't seem to find it.

Hi Tristan  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

Welcome to Susan's

Thank you. I just want to make it clear that for more than two decades, I firmly believed that i should have been born a girl. I put that on the back burner when I met my wife and we got engaged and married. Now she's half way through her pregnancy and maybe that's the worst time to drop it on her, but it happened.  The last thing I want to do right now is lose my wife, but she isn't taking this very well, and I haven't even tried on one of her dresses yet! Or bought my own...

I tried to suppress the urges, desires, wishes and dreams as just that, something abnormal from my past rearing up on its ugly hind legs and reminding me that I couldn't have it. I wasn't allowed to act or be those ways anymore. Now that I'm not single and am responsible for the well-being of my family.  It hurts to let those memories of the past go though. And with every passing day they cut more deeply. Taunting me for the life I could have lived.

When in the same stroke, it pushes my wife further and further away from me. The last thing I want to do is lose her and how she makes me feel, how we get along, and the stability of the household we share. I believe those are characteristics that should remain so we can raise our (presumably) beautiful daughter together. And I really want to be that "handy-man father" figure to her, regardless of my gender identity.


So, the list begins for personal grooming
Manicure and nail polish
Leg and face hair removal (shaving for now)
Eye brow waxing
Wig
Makeup - foundation, concealer, mascara, lip gloss, eye shadow, anything else?
Buying my first dress/outfit including accessories, earrings, rings, necklace or choker (for the small Adams apple I have) hair barrettes for my short hair, hose and shoes.
And.... Last but not least, finding a gender therapist to talk to in the Raleigh area.
Oh, and what about a training bra?



Later on stuff
Electrolysis
HRT
Rhinoplaaty
FFS (if needed)

In on the fence about SRS. Doesn't seem like something I want to commit to right now, but years down the line that may change.

Any suggestions on what type of dresses may flatter my body shape? I'm thinking of 1-2" halter top style that comes below the knee. Not too deep of a neckline, not choking me, but not showing off my lack of cleavage either. Solids or prints? Something lose enough to hide a bulge as well, but not a nightgown!  Thinking of wearing it out to a club just to see how it goes. I guess I'll need a handbag too, geze there's a lot to think of.

And this is all stuff that's come to mind before speaking with a counselor even.

Goddess I hope this is the right decision.

Back to my lists above though, what am I missing?

Welcome to the forums! ^_^

I didn't see voice training on there. Voice training is very difficult for some... okay, it's very difficult for me, and it's something that could easily take a very long time to get down. Don't just speak in a high voice, learn to inflect and resonate like ciswomen do without realizing it.

As another person who has newly come out and who also likes to dive right into things, I'd like to suggest you take a deep breath and slow down. Even if you're certain this is what you want, rushing the transition may not be best for you long term. Changing your body and presentation is a Big Deal, so don't go so fast you mess things up! For instance, if you try to change your voice too much too fast in the wrong way, you can actually get callouses on your vocal chords and cause serious harm to them.

I'd recommend starting with finding the gender therapist. They can help you make realistic plans, establish a timeline, and your health insurance may require you to see one for a certain amount of time before covering HRT/SRS/etc.

Facial hair removal is another thing you may want to do on the early side, since even if you change your mind about going forward with stuff, at least you won't have to shave every morning! It also takes many months. If you have lightish skin and darkish hair, definitely look into laser (diode or alexandrite - don't go with IPL!). Since laser is significantly faster, cheaper, and less painful than electrolysis, but only works on dark hairs on light skin, the ideal way to do it is to laser as much as you can, then use electrolysis for the rest. Also, I've read somewhere that HRT makes laser harder since it makes the hairs thinner and thus harder for the laser to find so you should do laser before starting HRT, but I don't know if that's actually true or not.

Alright, I've had a day or so to think about it all now and here's what happened.

I went to the local LGBT Center here in Raleigh and picked up the routine pamphlets and found out when the next Transgender Initiative: Gender Social would be held.  I've made plans to attend and learn more face to face and hopefully identify an appropriate gender therapist for me to talk to.

After that, I shaved my legs, bought a pair of earring studs and somehow got the courage up to go dress shopping at Kohl's. It was supposed to be just a fitting, but I walked out of there with a new bra that I'm convinced fits perfectly if my ribcage wasn't so chunky... And of course two dresses. I'm still identifying what my style is like, so they may both be crap in the end. Now I just need some time alone to dress up and think how I feel about it all.

I think I'm going to look into corsets to help redistribute my shape when under a dress...  Squeeze in these ribs a little and narrow my waist, pushing it all up into my bosoms and down into my hips. Sounds like a plan.

Oh, and the mystery gender therapist too.  That sounds like such a simple request to find one, but might as well be picking a lawyer from the yellow pages.

I just want to find a good one, nay, the right one and soon. Some random therapist with a claim to understand surely isn't the one to whom I am doomed.

Dark Secrets brought into the Light. Guard them with the Caring Hands of Legends. Protect us all on this our journey.

Have you seen this site? It seems like a useful resource: https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?sid=1429540823.334_25702&city=Raleigh&spec=187&lmore=22

I found my gender therapist (whom I haven't seen yet - first appointment is in a couple days - but she seems wonderful) by asking a genderqueer friend's therapist for recommendations (he wasn't taking new clients). He directed me to two people's profiles on that site, and they both seemed very knowledgeable, and they seemed like great matches for me.

Maybe you'll find someone there whose profile sounds like a good match for you? You might want to choose someone who lists "transsexual issues" as a specialty, or who mentions that it's one of their primary focuses.

Good luck!

Thanks for the link, and best of luck in your counseling sessions.  I may go and check that out in a week or two, but right now I'm just kind of marinating on things.  What do I want, what do I need, what baby steps to take in expressing myself, etc...  I'm doing research on feminizing my form with exercise, diet/supplements and corsets, as well as how to grow out my curly hair.

I'm really excited about attending the Transgender Social event scheduled for a week from now!  Can't wait!  /squee!  Super ready to meet others in person and learn more about what's on the road ahead of me.  Seriously hoping it's the best place to network and find a therapist too.

On the other hand, my wife says she needs "normalcy" at home right now.  She can't handle all this and even went to the doctor to get meds for the anxiety it's causing her.  So I'm trying to keep things low-key for the time being (hence the limited research mentioned above).  I'm not going to stop investigating my feelings though, I'll just have to shield her from it the best I can for now...

-Tristan

Quote from: Tristan on April 16, 2015, 02:59:18 PM
And then there's the problem of my wife and my family.  My wife is in tears since I told her about this just a couple days ago.  Well I haven't even told her I wanted to start trying to live as woman yet, just that it was something I could identify with these transgender children and I wonder if I've just suppressed it all these years and what I should do now.  She's worried she won't be able to stay with me or that I won't want to stay with her, but I couldn't imagine not having her in my life.  I hope that she can find it in her to let me experiment and find myself without judgement.  I hope that I can be the "father" to our daughter that I want to be to her as well.  I enjoy working with my hands and fixing things, doing what I can to make things right, and this is something that I feel I need to make right, or at least figure out if it needs to be made right!

Tristan,

The responses of your wife is quite normal and typical. My wife also showed the same. She wondered whether I am homosexual or not as I started wearing women's dress, and still some people around me wonder it. Nowadays I reply that I am gynephilic.

It would takes a long time for your wife to understand your ->-bleeped-<-. As long as she is sure of your willingness to sustain and love your family, she may accept your change. My bottom line was HRT. I gave up HRT, although I got a permission letter from a psychologist. Some wives are not willing to understand and accept the ->-bleeped-<- of their husband based on their religious belief or other stuffs. Fortunately, my wife believes Buddhism, one of the best religions for transgender people. The worst has been Catholic in the U.S. Here in my country, Catholics are very open-minded, which is a quite contrary to the U.S..

barbie~~

So, me and my wife had some great conversation last night for a couple hours.  Very calm, sensible, pragmatic, and only a couple mildly emotional moments.  She says she's been to both ends of the negative emotional spectrum when I'm not around though, from depression/sadness to anger.  She seems to be mediating though and beginning to realize that when I originally brought this up, I didn't have any plans to do anything about it.  It wasn't an intentional slight against her when I said, "I think I'm transgender."  It wasn't until I started doing more research into what it meant that I realized it was kinda like Pandora's Box, and once opened, it usually doesn't ever go away.

So, I've started embracing things like how I find some shoes irresistibly cute!  I'm wanting to grow out my hair, get a manicure, wear earrings more often and get some better fitting clothes for work.  I'm gonna go for a more androgynous/metrosexual appearance at work over the next few months.  Slacks and shirts that aren't so baggy, and I even want a pair of Wingtip Heels to wear!  Just do a Google image search for "Ladies Wingtip" if you can't picture it.  I think my favorite so far is the 5th picture or so in the list, a black/white number on Amazon by Aris Allen with a blocky 1.5"-2" heel, that I find absolutely adorable!  I already wear all black wingtip men's shoes at work so it should be somewhat easy to get by with wearing an all black pair similar to those.  I want the black/white ones too though for going out.  :P

Barbie, I looked up gynephilia and I really like that term..  I probably am too somewhat, or perhaps it's just a good defacto identifier that "best explained" my feelings when I was younger.  Never having been able to really explore my femininity to see for sure.  As it seems now though, I'm starting to just get sheer joy from beginning to express my femininity instead of any sort of sexual arousal.

So Barbie, you're not on HRT?  That was the line your wife drew for you?  I'm happy that your religious beliefs aren't conflicting with your path.  Me and my wife are Pagan.  She's more eclectic Wiccan and I'm Druid.  These paths don't conflict with being transgender either.  In fact, in many pagan cultures, shamans and such are typically transgender, gay, or similar from what I understand.

-Tristan

I'd like to say first, hello! And I suppose it's always a question is it ever too late to find ourselves? MY therapist told me when it comes to bottom line, there is only you. You when you are alone. You are the one looking in the mirror. Are you happy with the reflection? Yes, then good. You can be satisfied with yourself just the way you are and that's FANTASTIC. If its a no, like I've been, then change the reflection. Change to what you want to see. Change the outside to see who you are when you close your eyes.

Again this is the opinion of my therapist, who has no reference to your life or situation, I just think it might help. I suggest getting counseling for yourself or even stopping in on a local Trans Alliance group as an ally and see what you think.

Quote from: Tristan on April 23, 2015, 08:14:06 AM
So, I've started embracing things like how I find some shoes irresistibly cute!  I'm wanting to grow out my hair, get a manicure, wear earrings more often and get some better fitting clothes for work.  I'm gonna go for a more androgynous/metrosexual appearance at work over the next few months.  Slacks and shirts that aren't so baggy, and I even want a pair of Wingtip Heels to wear!  Just do a Google image search for "Ladies Wingtip" if you can't picture it.  I think my favorite so far is the 5th picture or so in the list, a black/white number on Amazon by Aris Allen with a blocky 1.5"-2" heel, that I find absolutely adorable!  I already wear all black wingtip men's shoes at work so it should be somewhat easy to get by with wearing an all black pair similar to those.  I want the black/white ones too though for going out.  :P

Tristan,

Both of your wife and your colleagues will accept your enjoyment of expressing your femininity, as long as it does not detract you from your professional work.

My wife and colleagues initially worried about it, but I have demonstrated that it does not seriously affects my productivity as a scientists or an educator. Although I am not so much rich, my job, income and the subsequent pension is very stable, which my wife always appreciates. Monetary independence is important. And she knows very well how much I love our kids, and that I am ready to sacrifice something for my kids. My 2nd son does not accept well my crossdressing, but he can not do anything except some complaining. There is no difference between adults and kids in the ability of understanding transsexualism and its implications for social life.

Quote
So Barbie, you're not on HRT?  That was the line your wife drew for you?  I'm happy that your religious beliefs aren't conflicting with your path.  Me and my wife are Pagan.  She's more eclectic Wiccan and I'm Druid.  These paths don't conflict with being transgender either.  In fact, in many pagan cultures, shamans and such are typically transgender, gay, or similar from what I understand.

The line was drawn by both the surgeon and my wife. The surgeon is the most prestigious surgeon on SRS here in my country, and he said that he will prescribe HRT if I come again with my wife and she consents. I still think he is a nice surgeon. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=71775.10

My background is actually shamanism. My maternal grandmother was a shaman. Shamanism is still influencing people in my country. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=62846.15

I hope that you will enjoy wearing feminine beauty items while performing excellently in your work place and sustaining and keeping your family well.

barbie~~

Tried my hand at some makeup tonight, just eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. I need sooo much practice it isn't even funny.

I wish my hair would like grow out overnight, but I don't want to wear a wig.  I feel longer hair would go a long ways to helping feminize my face.

Also discovered I need to start working on getting some skin care products I guess now that my acne seems to have calmed down.

All of this on my mind and it's just scratching the surface of what it takes to live as a girl each day, and yet I don't feel burdened by it at all. I feel invigorated by the prospect of improving myself.  :-)

Hi Tristan, Welcome, Wow such a lot of action...

Easiest first, doing makeup takes time, I remember my first attempts, so gaudy and obviously not done by a woman... takes practice... Today, even though I've not started Laser and Electro I tend not to wear makeup, and when I do its very light on...
I still have not come out to SO's, despite having boobs, which like you I used to want them to magically grow over night, along with my male genitals disappearing! (Shame its not fairytale stuff). I think my wife is a little more than suspicious too... I suspect she will not want to hear it though (long story on why I am still in limbo, but not for much longer, I pray)
Clothing depends on your body shape, now and as HRT takes your body into femininity, generally dresses that flair from the waist (A Line etc..) will help, depending on your build, keep away from clothes that may emphasis your shoulders... You'll be wanting plunge necklines as soon as your boobs start to flourish, along with good push up and plunge bra's...

Anyway enjoy the forums, lovely to have you onboard  :-*

L Katy

Quote from: Tristan on April 24, 2015, 09:12:55 PM
Also discovered I need to start working on getting some skin care products I guess now that my acne seems to have calmed down.

I always clean my face with cleansing toner. My favorite product is:

http://www.cleanandclear.com/astringents-toners/essentials-deep-cleaning-toner-sensitive-skin

I keep more than 10 bottles of it at home.

barbie~~

Welcome to Susan's Tristan,

You inquired about an androgyne section on this forum and i would point you toward the Non Binary threads.  There is a lot of room for self expression and appearance of gender non conforming people.  Sometimes the only thing we have in common is being transgender and some don't like that label either;-)

The history of medical/surgical/psychological treatment of transgender people in the USA includes a period in the 50s and 60s when only a handful of the thousands who applied for transgender care were accepted.  The gatekeeping was crushing for most and preferred people who would most likely be passable (whatever that means), would be heterosexual, had sufficient private funds and be wiling to relocate and go stealth.

There are still many people who legitimately identity with the common narrative of feeling like a man or woman in the wrong body.  There are others like myself for who the story is far more complex and we are singing our song and dancing to our own drummer.  Good luck and congratulations on taking so many steps forward toward being true to yourself.

So, I'd like to start off by apologizing for all the brain vomit that spilled from my fingers and onto my keyboard over the last week.  I had no idea where to start and was just typing out anything and everything that popped into my brain practically.  I'm really not as overboard and scatter-brained as it may seem.  :)  I just really enjoy doing research!

As for the current state of things:

I've spent way more money than I probably should have on clothes, shoes, makeup, earrings and skincare products now, lol.  But I've got myself fairly well stocked I think for a good long while.  A couple pairs of slacks, couple blouses, couple dresses, couple pairs of shoes, etc...  Not a ton in any one area, but a few select items that I really like in each.  I probably can borrow some of my wife's old clothes too.  I stole a pair of her old jeans that don't fit her anymore.  :P

I'll be attending that Transgender Social gathering tonight and am oh so looking forward to making some new friends and letting my proverbial hair down.  Hoping to find some therapist references too.

Over the past year I've gained a little extra weight that's gone directly to my belly area and I've been unable to exercise like I used to due to health reasons, but over the past 2 weeks I've dropped 10 pounds and 3 inches from my waistline, hoorah!  Getting my curves by slimming my waist instead of widening my hips at the moment.  :P  Gotta start eating more salad, lol.


P.s.  The pic in my avatar is from the movie, "Just One of the Guys," in case you've never seen it.  If you haven't, you need to.  The way she looked at the end of the film after returning to "girl mode" is kinda the look I'm going for since we have similar hair, and I love the 80's...

The Transgender Social went pretty well I thought, met about a dozen very nice new people, of which one was also named Tristan, a FTM though.  How ironic.  We even have the same last initial....  /facepalm.

Getting better at applying foundation, powder, lipstick and mascara, haven't tackled eye shadow yet (don't have any)... and I've been scared to uncap my eyeliner pen again, lol.  I really wish I'd gotten a picture from last night, my first night out in public like that.  Maybe better that I didn't.

I've got some contact info for therapists that accept my insurance and specialize in transgender issues as well, so I'll be calling today and trying to make an appointment I hope.

Hey Tristan no need to apologize here, we go free form often.  So much of what you write about is familiar.  From weight concerns to spending too much on a new wardrobe;-)  I would only wear dresses and skirts my first 8 months out.  It was part of my need to distinctly separate from the man I once portrayed. 

So far lipstick is my only make up and I have colorful glasses that make up for the rest.  Kinda want to avoid the routines that might keep me at the mirror too long. 

You are taking some important steps forward and it seems to be working out for you.  You sound very ready to see a therapist and consider more about all of this transgender stuff.  Let us know how things feel to you.

I've always been an artsy guy/gal, but haven't expressed it much lately. My hands have gotten a bit shaky over the years, and my left hand doesn't want to cooperate with what my brain wants to tell it sometimes, lol.  So I'm actually enjoying makeup so far and am hoping it'll help steady my hands.   :o

Just called to schedule an appointment with the therapist, they're checking my insurance and looking into scheduling, blah blah, hoping to hear back very soon.

I think I'm allowed to post videos here.  My apologies if not!  Here's one that I really enjoy about basic makeup application though.  He's (she's?) got a pretty boyish facial look, but the makeup does a wonderful job at transforming I think, and I LOVE the accent.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qIA7W4iyTM

Woohoo, got a call back from the therapist.  My first session is scheduled for May 11th!  I'd like it to be sooner sure, but this works out pretty good since my schedule is so freaking full right now.  Busy transitioning (pun intended) from Spring to Summer sessions at school and so on.  Finals, yuck!

Congrats on the appointment. I hope it goes well.Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Tristan on April 30, 2015, 01:51:20 PM
Woohoo, got a call back from the therapist.  My first session is scheduled for May 11th!  I'd like it to be sooner sure, but this works out pretty good since my schedule is so freaking full right now.  Busy transitioning (pun intended) from Spring to Summer sessions at school and so on.  Finals, yuck!

Hi Tristan, welcome to Susan's Place!  I missed this when you first posted. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Aww, thank you Mariah and Devlyn.

My therapist called me yesterday and told me she needed to reschedule our appointment!  Apparently there was a booking conflict and the slot I had been given was already taken by someone else, grr...  So it's been pushed out two more days to the 13th.

I tried going out in public today as female, but it was so scary!  I got dressed and rode around in the car for about an hour and that was it, never got out.  Didn't feel like doing my makeup either, and with short hair I really need it to help offset the manliness, hehe.

So, does anybody have recommendations on places to go that would be good a confidence builder?  Say, somewhere quick, anonymous, not crowded with people, safe, and easy to get in and out of that I could strut in, do something and get back out?  That may sound like a weird question, but I'm so nervous!  It was easy enough to go to that Transgender Social group last week, but the "real world" is so much more intimidating.

Ok, that was weird. Just had some, ahem, "me time" in the shower.  I definitely caught myself taking a more "feminine" approach to body movements and self interaction than ever before that I can remember, lol. The end result was quite spectacularly an all over experience too.  Though, it's been a couple months, so....

Then I shaved stuff until the water went cold. :)

Oh, and I had forgotten that I'd had my testosterone levels checked last summer.  At the time it was 740-something ng/dL! It'll certainly be interesting to see if that's changed here lately or not and to watch it decline over time. :)

Think it's worth trying to get a referral to an endocrinologist and get the preliminary blood work out of the way at least instead of waiting around for the therapist to tell me I should? Probably have to wait a while for an appointment anyways, so might as well try to save some time now, right?

So......

After calling around, asking for referrals and generally getting more comfortable with saying the word "transgender" on the phone (nice side effect), I discovered today that there is only ONE endocrinologist in the Raleigh area that deals with transgender issues.  Incidentally, it coincided with this list here: (can I link this?) http://www.lauras-playground.com/transgender_endocrinologist_list.htm

I tried getting my general practitioner to refer me, but they need a referral letter from my therapist, which I don't have yet.  So, bummed, I resolved myself to waiting another week to see what happens.

20 minutes later I got a call from that very doctor's office with a referral from my neurologist!  Granted it was to see a different doctor and for a different issue (vitamin D deficiency, what?), but I worked the system and got them to schedule me with the right doctor and for both reasons, hehe.  Now the only drawback is that the first available appointment she has is at the end of November!  Holy crap!  /sadface.  :( :( :(  I took it of course and got on a cancellation waiting list, so keep your fingers crossed everyone!

Quote from: Tristan on May 06, 2015, 09:52:42 AM
Now the only drawback is that the first available appointment she has is at the end of November!  Holy crap!  /sadface.  :( :( :(  I took it of course and got on a cancellation waiting list, so keep your fingers crossed everyone!

You may ask whether another doctor is available. It is too long to wait.

barbie~~

Quote from: barbie on May 06, 2015, 12:42:53 PM
You may ask whether another doctor is available. It is too long to wait.

barbie~~

I could look in another city a couple hours away maybe, but there are no other endos specializing in transgender issues in the Raleigh area. :(

I'll probably just wait to talk to my therapist next Wednesday and mention this to her. Not sure how to start looking in other cities nearby for an endo without getting my other doctors involved anyways.

Last night I woke up from a dead sleep, TWICE, to the unwelcome presence of an anxiety attack.  I've only ever had an anxiety attack once before in my life that I know of, about a year ago or so, and it wasn't this intense.  I literally wanted to physically get up from the bed and run around inside my house to try and escape the feelings, but I couldn't because I was paralyzed (or sleepy? lol) and shaking/convulsing with overwhelming dread!  I was able to get back to sleep each time and I have no idea how long they actually lasted.  When I woke up for the morning, I could still feel the sensations of them prickling in the back of my mind, but my wife was able to help calm me down and work through them so I could shower and get ready for work.

I still say I'm just exploring the options, which I am, but it seems more like an inevitability now that I will transition than it did before.  I enjoy "cross dressing" and still feel I want to be a woman, through and through, and that hasn't lessened one bit over the past couple weeks.  It's intensified really.  No idea how much of my male life I will want to keep up in the future, but I'll figure that out when I start tipping the scale the other way, hehe.  I'm  SUPER EXCITED about the idea of male-failing!

But back to the attacks.  This paralyzing anxiety seemed to stem from the fear of not being able to progress down this inevitable path of transition.  As if for some reason, I wouldn't be allowed to, or wouldn't have the courage, or would otherwise be restricted by some outside force, preventing me from self-expressing as a woman.  It simultaneously made me very afraid and very sad.  I can't explain it, as most anxiety attacks are inexplicable anyways it seems.  I wonder if this is going to be the first of many similar evenings...

I am betting on you beating the anxiety Tristan,  Pre HRT I had some anxiety big time about fears that included being stopped by those outside forces.  Of course we are keenly aware of the gatekeepers and other people in our lives that are impacted by our transition and that may impact our progress.  The relief I felt after starting HRT was a euphoria that lasted for months.
Your better visions of a successful future are entirely possible if not probable.  Keep it up. ;D

I just bought my first Cosmo. :D

Well, my parents suck.

I didn't come out to them, but I went to visit them for the weekend with my earrings in (opal studs) and nails painted with a shimmery silver/clear, very subtle.

My mom was in tears over both saying, "I had a boy, not a girl." And she also basically told me that my daughter would be embarrassed of me if I kept wearing nail polish and earrings.

A very depressing weekend...

They're going to be shocked when it comes out and will probably try to tell me I'm wrong about it or try to talk me out of it. Like that'll work. Fortunately I have their grandchild to hold over them should they be dicks...

Ahhh, what a wonderful Monday night.  I went out for the first time last night, in FULL girl mode.  The clothes, the shoes, the jewelry, the makeup, the nail polish and the padded bra to fill things out.  I even tucked for the evening, lol.  It was to attend a transgender support group, so of course I felt completely safe.  Not like I was headed to the DMV or anything.  Then a bunch of us went out for food and drinks to a local night spot afterward.  It was just so freeing to go and be me for a few hours!  I didn't brave the restrooms though, fortunately I have a gigantic bladder, haha.

So today I decided to wear my girl pants to work.  I've decided that I despise boy dress pants now.  They're just too friggin' baggy, and these make my ass look terrific.  :)  I guess I just keep pushing the envelope to see if somebody says something to me.  It's like I want to be outed almost, but I don't want to start the conversation.  Even though I know I don't want to deal with all that headache right now.  So I've got the girl pants, earrings (CZ and Sterling studs), nail polish still on from last night, and heels (needed because the pants are so long) on today.  No makeup and a regular polo shirt.  OMG, my shirt is the only article of boy clothes I have on today!

Quote from: Tristan on May 10, 2015, 09:43:36 PM
Well, my parents suck.

I didn't come out to them, but I went to visit them for the weekend with my earrings in (opal studs) and nails painted with a shimmery silver/clear, very subtle.

My mom was in tears over both saying, "I had a boy, not a girl." And she also basically told me that my daughter would be embarrassed of me if I kept wearing nail polish and earrings.

A very depressing weekend...

They're going to be shocked when it comes out and will probably try to tell me I'm wrong about it or try to talk me out of it. Like that'll work. Fortunately I have their grandchild to hold over them should they be dicks...

Your parents definitely need long time to be adjusted, understand and accept your new image. Their response is not at all unusual.  It may take a far longer time.

barbie~~

Thanks Barbie, that's kinda what I figured.  The thoughts of transitioning and my little adventures out in the world so far have made me oh so so happy, and I don't want to taint that happiness with the fear and anxiety of how my parents will make me feel seeing me dressed and acting that way, but I guess it's gotta happen eventually.

Oh, and I've been giving GRS some more thought lately, and my feelings of hesitation due to "separation anxiety" are starting to fade.  I'm not saying I'm ready to do it, but I can definitely see myself being happy with a full time va-jay-jay of my own.  :)  I'd probably prefer to have both if that were possible, lol.  Thinking about wearing swimsuits is what prompted the thought process.  This would probably be a good choice for someone who was still mid-transition I would think, right?:  http://www.kohls.com/product/prd-2042791/chaps-retro-halter-swimdress-womens.jsp

Not buying it yet, thinking about next year though.  I know my sizes are going to change between now and then.

Sounds like you are on a pretty good roll Tristan.  Good for you for stepping out, meeting people and finding what fits your style.  Yes, some folks will surprise us with their love and acceptance while others may need a sea change and more before the ice breaks?

Rock on...

Quote from: Tessa James on May 12, 2015, 01:28:23 PM
Sounds like you are on a pretty good roll Tristan.  Good for you for stepping out, meeting people and finding what fits your style.  Yes, some folks will surprise us with their love and acceptance while others may need a sea change and more before the ice breaks?

Rock on...

Thank you, thank you Tessa.  It certainly is refreshing to be dressing how I want and damn what anybody else thinks.  I'm still wearing black slacks to work, I dare you to tell me that I'm not meeting dress code!  :P  Fortunately, and unfortunately, our dress code is pretty open to interpretation, so that door swings both ways.


I had another brief anxiety attack at work yesterday.  I don't know how to describe the feeling this time.  It wasn't nearly as overwhelming, probably because I was at work and surrounded by enough distractions to keep it from escalating too far.  This one was triggered by thoughts of the future again, but not about someone or something preventing me from transitioning.  Instead, it was from the seemingly insurmountable idea of being a girl full time.  Like, I want to be a girl, but will I ever get to that point where I actually pass as one?  Will I ever be able to manage the voice and speech patterns, the hair, the makeup, the walk, the attitude?  I just feel so, "boy", sometimes, it's as if it's an impossible task.


And I painted my toenails last night.  I discovered it's impossible to get it done nicely when the overhead fan is on since the polish dries out so quickly, hehe.  That and I need an uber-ton of practice.  Thankfully I have no open-toe shoes yet.

Maybe I should start a new thread at some point, haha.  I like keeping all of my updates in one place though and the anonymity that this forum offers.  It's like keeping a journal that the world can read where the names have been changed to protect the innocent.


Just got back from my first therapy appointment.  Mostly just a "getting to know you" session, not a lot of therapy yet, though I did cry a couple times already, haha.  At other times when I've had therapy in the past it was for specific reasons where they wanted to know about what was going on in my life right now concerning a particular issue or concern.  This time though it seems like there's going to be a lot more involved digging into my past to try and unravel why I am the way I am.  C'est la vie!


So, how does one go about asking for hormones?  I really don't want to come across sounding like a junkie, but I don't want to wait any longer than I have to to get started either.   ???    :embarrassed:   I feel that even at low doses it can help me to be the me I've always wanted to be.   And waiting gives me even more anxiety!   Argh, what a vicious circle!  Not like estrogen or spiro can get you high or anything, except maybe high on life, amirite?

Ugh!  Anxiety attack coming on!  This seems to be happening with increasing frequency!  :-(

I feel like the girl inside me is trying to claw her way out of my skin right now, to the point of threatening to bring tears to my eyes.  :-(

I just want to go home and snuggle with my kitty cat.

Quote from: Tristan on May 14, 2015, 01:19:21 PM
Ugh!  Anxiety attack coming on!  This seems to be happening with increasing frequency!  :-(

I feel like the girl inside me is trying to claw her way out of my skin right now, to the point of threatening to bring tears to my eyes.  :-(

I just want to go home and snuggle with my kitty cat.

You do not need to hurry up. You have ample time before taking a new course.

barbie~~

Quote from: barbie on May 14, 2015, 03:43:01 PM
You do not need to hurry up. You have ample time before taking a new course.

barbie~~

I'm afraid I don't understand. :(

Saw my therapist again yesterday and it went pretty well.  It's weird, like, I had originally decided to see a therapist because I wanted to know if I was indeed transgender, but it's like I figured it out for myself in the weeks leading up to seeing her.  So now I'm not entirely sure what to talk about when I'm there, other than the day-to-day or week-to-week struggles of the whole transition process.  It's no longer, "am I transgender?" instead it's, "how do I deal with being transgender?"

I've practically been outed at work already too.  I guess I went a little fast, hehe.  Earrings (studs!), girls pants/shoes, mascara, nail polish.  I didn't really think it'd be as obvious as it apparently was.  I think it's more of, several people noticed one or two things and started talking to each other.  That's what I get for working in a gossipy small business in the heartland of conservative America I guess.  It's kinda nice though, having it out there.  I was caught off guard when one of my coworkers started asking me questions at first, but it got easier and easier the more we talked.  I told him I was just exploring and seeing where things go, which is technically true, just not the whole truth.  So at least now it should be easier maybe and less of a shock to people down the road?

In other news, I think my therapist will be drafting a letter to my endocrinologist soon for HRT!  Then comes the long waiting game, sigh.  Appointment scheduled for near the end of November, though hopefully someone will cancel and I can get in sooner.

w00t, my therapist is drafting my letter for HRT now and should be faxing it over to my endo this week!

I'm taking an 8-week Physics class this summer (4 classes to graduation!) and I've discovered that this is the perfect place to do a trial run of really being me!  A bunch of college kids where I can blend in with my funky nail polish and choice of clothes/earrings, etc...  It's a night class too and I always feel more confident dressing up when it's dark outside, haha.

Maybe soon I can work up the nerve to go wearing a dress or skirt & blouse actually instead of just my feminine-esque work pants.  Need to shave my legs >_>

I was on vacation for a bit but it is nice to see you are continuing to make progress and seemingly answer your own questions.  Taking the steps you have does give people clues and if coworkers are asking questions and your mom is talking about having had a boy, well you are likely helping them to see you in a new light.  I too like having what amounts to a personal blog here.  Sometimes the whole big picture of transition can seem overwhelming to us.  I found some steps, like changing my name in a million places, was daunting.  If we break it down to bite size pieces it may feel easier?  As Barbie may have implied, you have a lifetime to make these course adjustments.  The primary one, IMO, is just where you are with growing self acceptance and the start of a medical transition.  Some folks come out before HRT and some not until years later but it is your call and I believe you will know when it is time while obviously dipping your toes in the coolest of waters now.

Quote from: Tessa James on May 22, 2015, 07:05:19 PM
I was on vacation for a bit but it is nice to see you are continuing to make progress and seemingly answer your own questions.  Taking the steps you have does give people clues and if coworkers are asking questions and your mom is talking about having had a boy, well you are likely helping them to see you in a new light.  I too like having what amounts to a personal blog here.  Sometimes the whole big picture of transition can seem overwhelming to us.  I found some steps, like changing my name in a million places, was daunting.  If we break it down to bite size pieces it may feel easier?  As Barbie may have implied, you have a lifetime to make these course adjustments.  The primary one, IMO, is just where you are with growing self acceptance and the start of a medical transition.  Some folks come out before HRT and some not until years later but it is your call and I believe you will know when it is time while obviously dipping your toes in the coolest of waters now.

Thanks for replying Tessa, I was beginning to wonder if anybody was still reading my ramblings!  :D

I hope you had a good vacation, where'd you go?  Somewhere sunny with beaches or pools and cool drinks I hope, hehe.

Over the first several weeks or so of my self-discovery I was devouring all the information I could, going shopping, thinking about the future, making plans, etc...  It felt like I was running in two dozen different directions at the same time.  All this research though has made it easier to answer my own questions, as you pointed out. These past few days however have been "simpler" in that I'm no longer focusing on what I need to do to become the woman inside me on the outside, but instead I've kinda settled down and realized that all I really have to do is be me.  It's so much less stressful that way.  I felt like there were things that I absolutely HAD to do, but now that I've set most of those wheels in motion, I'm taking it easier.

I've been thinking about when to come out to whom, and while I feel like I want to shout it from the treetops to some people, I realize that's not the best option this early on and I need to choose my audiences more carefully.  Like, I probably should take off my nail polish before going out to dinner with some of our friends tonight, even though I really like it!  :(

Also, since I'll be having to wait a while still for HRT due to appointment scheduling, I thought about getting some of those breast enlargement creams, pills, etc... to see if I could maybe get a jump start on things, does anybody have thoughts on those, or should I start a new thread maybe to ask I wonder...?

Oh, and we've started thinking about what our baby will call us once she's born and able to speak.  I'll hopefully be about 6-9 months on hormones at that point and presenting exclusively female around the house at least and out in public where people don't know us, haha.  I was thinking of going by BB (pronounced bee bee).  So we'd be Mommy and BB.  I'm trying the name on with our cats right now.  :P

I don't know, cats can be fairly aloof at times ;)  I was in Minnesota and up on the North shore of Lake Superior.  My noisy family of origin and I need a place where we can rent out all the cabins so no one is disturbed by our 2:00 AM fireside singing and revelry >:-)

Oh I sure relate to the shouting part and found that our "news" is salacious gossip that some will share too fast.  I wanted to control the narrative since only you can tell your unique story accurately.

I have seen lots of boob threads here and the answers usually suggest that no OTC herbal stuff works.  Others will swear by massage and suction gadgets.  I tried the herbal stuff back in the 90s and wanted to believe but nothing measurable came of it.  The black cohosh and soy products didn't hurt me tho.

BB does sound like a fun and easy nickname.  I do admire how much you and your partner are able to plan and talk thru together.  Good for you!

I'm still marinating on BB, not sure.  I want to be called mommy or mama, or something like that, but my wife is holding pretty firm on that right now.

So, I've had a recurring dream this week.  At least I think so, it's pretty vague.  I know I had it last night though.  I had transitioned, or was well into it at least.  I was on hormones, had long hair, and was wearing a dress/makeup out in public.  I was with my "best friend," though I don't know who it was, but that's what she was in the dream.  She knew all about me and my transition, and we were going out with a group of her friends that I'd never met before.  There must've been like 4-6 of them in total, plus the two of us.  Well, the ring-leader of that group Britt Robertson, the blond girl from the TV Show "Under the Dome" who played Angie.  And for whatever reason, she didn't approve of me.  Her followers therefore were stand-offish to me when she was around, but they were cool whenever she wasn't.

My wife says I've watched too many high school girl movies.  Pssh-tosh, lol.

Oh, and I'm developing freckles on my arms....  O.o

Be generous about loving your skin.  Lotions, moisturizers, uv protection all way good after your luxurious bath routine.  Transition, laser and more all contribute to some skin risks that we can minimize with care.

I can imagine that your wife may want to retain something special about being moma/mommy #1 but you'll have plenty of opportunity to be a loving and cherished parent too. 

Keep dreaming but if you are experienced with awareness of yourself while dreaming you can simply choose to magically make friends or fly away :D