Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I know people say you should wait to let love find you, but in our case that's a bit difficult considering the fact that a guy that asks me out will probably be straight and leave me when I tell him I'm trans.

So I have no choice really but to actively look for a boyfriend who is bisexual. The problem is I don't know where to look!! Clubs aren't a good idea really. And people tell me to go for gay guys. It makes me want to slap some sense into them.

So I guess the only way would be to do online dating :( . It makes me really sad that I can't just go out with any guy since they'll feel I lied to them if I don't tell them I'm trans beforehand. 

I'm so lonely and I'm really craving male attention. 21 years of being single is really starting to bring me down emotionally.

You're a woman, why do you want a bi boyfriend? I mean having one is cool and all but you're a woman so a straight one will do!

Seriously there are understanding guys out there and someone as pretty as you shouldn't have an issue.

it's not that I want a bi boyfriend Kate, it's just that everyone I've talked to have recommended that I date a bi guy since a straight guy will never want me and that it's dangerous.  Thanks for the compliment ~blushes~

Quote from: melanie maritz on April 18, 2015, 12:13:45 PM
it's not that I want a bi boyfriend Kate, it's just that everyone I've talked to have recommended that I date a bi guy since a straight guy will never want me and that it's dangerous.  Thanks for the compliment ~blushes~

I see. So you're taking advice from people who may be wrong.

I say date who you want and don't worry about what they say.

Melanie, have you thought about online dating? I'm on OKCupid. I can specify "bisexual" in my search criteria. I also can list my gender identity as transgender woman, so the guys that contact me do not mind.

Hey Suzi, yeah I actually checked out okcupid right before I posted this, but didn't sign up yet. have you met anyone on it yet?

The thing is I am scared Kate, I don't want to become another transexual statistic. True, some guys are understanding, but some are not understanding at all and you might only find that out when it's too late

I have had success on OkCupid. Not sure if you're on Tumblr, but there are a lot of good groups on there where you can submit a picture and a blurb about you and what you're looking for. That is how I met my current partner and made quite a few new friends.

Quote from: melanie maritz on April 18, 2015, 12:40:07 PM
Hey Suzi, yeah I actually checked out okcupid right before I posted this, but didn't sign up yet. have you met anyone on it yet?

I've met a number of people. Gone on about a dozen dates. Haven't met anyone I meshed with, but got to know some very nice people.

thank you Suzi and Max, I'll sign up to okcupid then (^.^) is i5 better to get it on the app thing?

Quote from: melanie maritz on April 18, 2015, 12:46:24 PM
The thing is I am scared Kate, I don't want to become another transexual statistic. True, some guys are understanding, but some are not understanding at all and you might only find that out when it's too late

True. I understand fully. However I think the focus shouldn't be on finding a bi guy it should be on finding an accepting and understanding one. And up front disclosure is a major part of that.

Quote from: melanie maritz on April 18, 2015, 01:14:05 PM
thank you Suzi and Max, I'll sign up to okcupid then (^.^) is i5 better to get it on the app thing?

I preferred to set up my account on a computer, and then use it on my phone. It really depends how much you're planning to write in the bio spaces of your profile. It'd be easy to set it up on your phone if you weren't going to write a lot.

Some people have said if already but there are straight guys who are accepting their partner being trans. Its not going to be common but it does happen. You're still pretty young (I'm all of 2 years older so maybe I shouldn't be one to talk) give it some time, even though that's the hardest thing to do.

hun not all straight guys are violent towards trans women. Im guessing some would actually prefer trans women. Just if ur worried about safety try telling the guy u are trans over the phone/internet. and also get to know the guy find out if he is homophobic or transphobic.. Just bring it up by like discussing politics or something. If he says no those scary trans women should not be allowed to use the bathroom then tell him you don't like bigots, and tell him to f@#k off.

the thing about okcupid is that by you going on their and putting that u are trans, you maybe outing urself if you are stealth. there are a lot of people that use it. I have seen many familiar faces on there.

Hey.  You sound a bit stressed and depressed.  You're also gorgeous, based on your photo, and friendly, based on your writing, and intelligent, based on your words, ya know? 

There is a dude out there who is perfect for you.  Who will love you for you.  It won't necessarily be a bi person, either - there's plenty of straight guys who are open-minded enough to accept the beautiful woman in front of them.  If the guy is a judgmental ->-bleeped-<-, then he isn't right for you. 

Agreed with other suggestions on dating sites - that'll help out a ton. 

Quote from: amber roskamp on April 18, 2015, 06:30:28 PM
the thing about okcupid is that by you going on their and putting that u are trans you maybe outing urself if you are stealth there are a lot of people that use it. I have seen many familiar faces on their.

Oh, this. I usually list on there that I live in Baltimore instead of DC (they're about an hour apart). I'm sure some people from where I live have seen me, but I'd prefer to be as stealthy about it as possible.

Thanx for the tips everyone.  I did put myself as transgender, but I don't want to, now that I think about it. Explaining to the guy over a message that I'm trans is probably better since I do want to live stealth.  So I changed it now to just "woman".

Well...I just have to hope straight guys on OkCupid like me, because apparently there are NO bisexual guys in my area at all.. they are probably afraid to put something like that on their profile? I don't know

Quote from: melanie maritz on April 19, 2015, 03:35:33 AM
Thanx for the tips everyone.  I did put myself as transgender, but I don't want to, now that I think about it. Explaining to the guy over a message that I'm trans is probably better since I do want to live stealth.  So I changed it now to just "woman".

Well...I just have to hope straight guys on OkCupid like me, because apparently there are NO bisexual guys in my area at all.. they are probably afraid to put something like that on their profile? I don't know

yea that is probably good in ur case. Good luck hun. I think a beautiful girl like u should have no problem finding a date on there.

There are lots of men out there searching for a nice woman. Post on lots of sites & kick away most all of them but you will know when Prince Charming appears. Then enjoy him GF, you deserve to have some love in your life that only a man can bring. I opened a profile on a site called 7orbetter.com. It's a site that only men with 7 inches or longer are allowed to be members. It's been such fun with several very large men courting me. There are so many dating sites out there so just try lots & review lots of men before going forward. Good luck GF.

Thank you Amber  ;D I will keep you all posted on if I get a date or anything.

Melanie, looking like that you'll have no problem. I'm practically drooling! :)

OKC is really good, but id suggest putting "unconventional female" on your tag. It's worked for a few friends and those that are scared will go away and those open-minded will ask about it.

You'd do well looking into pansexuals and asexuals as well as straights and bi guys. I know its scary but all this trepidation will only force you back into your shell. Put a foot forward and go at your own pace. Always reveal you are trans in a public place or online, so nobody can hurt you.

Best of luck
Gentleboy

Awww thank you Gentleboy  :icon_redface: :icon_redface:. It seems that OKC is not very popular in South Africa.  It looks like a great dating site though. If I specify anything other than "straight" for men then there are no results at all.

Tank you for your advice , I'll tell guys who I connect with and who seem open minded that I'm trans in the messaging thingy on OKC or on whatsapp.

Hello Beautiful,

I completely know where you are coming from. Believe it or not there's a lot more open straight men that are willing to put themselves out there and date women like us. I was actually on a date a few days ago and he was such a gentleman. I have already disclosed to him my status prior to us dating and he did not even bat an eye lash so that makes everything easier.

You will find him sooner or later but he is coming :) Love is always available to those who search for it.

Love,

April

Thank you Carmen, I hope I can find an understanding straight guy but I suspect it will be a bit more difficult here in SA since people will judge the guy harshly for going out
with me

Quote from: melanie maritz on April 18, 2015, 12:13:45 PM
it's not that I want a bi boyfriend Kate, it's just that everyone I've talked to have recommended that I date a bi guy since a straight guy will never want me and that it's dangerous.  Thanks for the compliment ~blushes~

Have you read here how many transwomen have straight men as lovers or even as husbands? Lynn Conway, now in her 70s, transitioned 50 years ago when attitudes were much worse. She is still happily married.

A friend of mine here in Houston, Nikki Araguz Loyd, is married to a straight male. They have two wonderful children, his from a former marriage, and the kids love their mom.

Stories like this go on and on. Yes, there will be jerks who can't handle how awesome a woman you are because of your history. Let them go. If they can't handle how wonderful you are, then don't beg, don't settle. Take the time to find the men who will appreciate you for being you.

They are out there. I guarantee it.

Quotea guy that asks me out will probably be straight and leave me when I tell him I'm trans.

Lies!

Quoteeveryone I've talked to have recommended that I date a bi guy since a straight guy will never want me and that it's dangerous

Cisgender partner of a trans lady here.  Those people are full of ->-bleeped-<-.  :)  Even when I thought I was hetero, I wouldn't have minded dating a trans guy.

I'm going through a bad problem right now. I just met a very straight man on G+ a very non dating site and I have to tell him I'm trans because he wants a serious relationship and I don't know what the f--- to do. He's in the military and widowed and I seriously doubt he ever been with a trans before. Being trans can get nerve wrecking .

Quote from: melanie maritz on April 18, 2015, 12:40:07 PM
Hey Suzi, yeah I actually checked out okcupid right before I posted this, but didn't sign up yet. have you met anyone on it yet?

So far I have only received messages which appear to be of the same pattern - they are one word sentences which come from colored guys who reside in North-African countries. I am definitely not a racist type, but North Africa, seriously? :D

go on a transsexual dating site or a regular dating site and just say your trans as like the first thing on your profile

Stephaniec that guy was most likely a scammer. I'll bet he is not even American. If he truly was active duty military he wouldn't be online all day. He is just a scammer sitting behind a computer, looking for a sucker to scam and eventually get money from.

Melanie, I don't see how any man could resist someone as gorgeous as you! Relax, love will always find you when you least expect it.

I can't wait till I start entering the dating scene! You will find one I'm sure, just make sure he is trans friendly. Simply men want to be respected, and treated like the man and if they ARE a good man protective, loving, provider etc than they deserve the respect. I have seen some men online who said on their blogs or stories that they adore transwomen because they make him feel like a man and respected. This must stem from the fact that the transwomen that they are with are very feminine and love to be the female in the relationship etc. I hope I'm not offending anyone as I'm not 'preaching' roles on anyone by any means, the fact of that issue is 'whatever works for you and your partner is what you should do.' I for one am very feminine and gentle and always have been and I prefer strong, protective, gentlemen types.

Never mind who some say you ought to be, and never mind who some say you ought to date.

Go with someone who you are comfortable around. That's all that matters. If you have that, it's something you can build on.

And yes, you may be nicely surprised by how many 'heteroflexible' guys are out there. I know I was!

Thanks for all the tips everyone! And all the uplifting things you girls are saying is giving me new hope :D :D.

So update:  I've gotten quite a lot of messages from guys in my area, all of whom seem to be real people.  Now I'm talking to a few of them on whatsapp and two of them are at my university.  How do I bring up the topic of transexualism without being awkward before we meet?  I don't know if I should just tell them I'm trans or ask questions to see if they are trans friendly.  If I should ask questions, what kind of questions should I ask?

Thank you all for the awesome helpful comments, I really appreciate it  :icon_bunch: :icon_hug: :icon_joy:

Be VERY careful. I met an army girl that claimed to be in Afghanistan and I would have to wait a year to meet her. She asked me to put in a request for her to get time off. I said I have no business doing that and that its your job to do that. Eventually she claimed to have been injured in an attack (which I couldn't find any evidence of in the news) and I finally relented and put in her request to come home for her recovery. The guy in charge said he would be more than happy to send her home, but I would have to pay for her air fair via western union. Red flags went off and I did some checking. Turns out these army romance scams are very common. Western union is a dead giveaway. If they ask you to fill out their own leave forms, that's a dead give away. Ask for them to email you via their official army email address. It should be from @army.mil or @mail.mil or something like that. When I asked her to do that, she refused. When I asked her to Skype me, she refused. When I asked for her military forwarding address, she refused. Basically anything that would prove she was who she said she was, she refused.

The sad part is I happen to know for a fact the pictures were of a real girl from my area who really did go to Afghanistan. They stole just enough of her identity to use against me. I even learned a number of things about the real girl and when I asked, she didn't know about any of them. I'm pretty sure the real girl is alright, but its sad to have her identity used against her like that.

Quote from: stephaniec on April 19, 2015, 03:42:30 PM
I'm going through a bad problem right now. I just met a very straight man on G+ a very non dating site and I have to tell him I'm trans because he wants a serious relationship and I don't know what the f--- to do. He's in the military and widowed and I seriously doubt he ever been with a trans before. Being trans can get nerve wrecking .

Maybe just briefly mention how you met a transperson the other day online to test the water. Usually those who are very anti-trans will explode and tell you how 'wrong' we are. Just be subtle though or else they'll snag on and if they are transphobic you may have a slight problem. I personally wouldnt out yourself to those in the same uni straight away if you are stealth it may cause issues.

Just tread carefully around the subject. Only delve a little deeper if you need to.

Good Luck
Gentleboy

Quote from: melanie maritz on April 20, 2015, 11:47:20 AM
How do I bring up the topic of transexualism without being awkward before we meet?  I don't know if I should just tell them I'm trans or ask questions to see if they are trans friendly.  If I should ask questions, what kind of questions should I ask?

Please don't take my response as gospel. A lot of people disagree.

But my therapist, who has been working with MtFs for more than 20 years says she has yet to see a relationship between a MtF and a straight man survive the man finding out that the woman is trans. Sure it happens, but she tells me it is extremely rare. When a straight man and an MtF stay together, it's usually because the man knew from the start.

So my suggestion is to put it on your online profile. You will only get guys who are OK with it.

Quote from: melanie maritz on April 19, 2015, 10:21:48 AM
Thank you Carmen, I hope I can find an understanding straight guy but I suspect it will be a bit more difficult here in SA since people will judge the guy harshly for going out
with me

Nobody but you and him have to know. That's probably the best way to deal with it.

I feel the same way. Before hormones I would just be so whatever about guys, even stopped dating for a while to focus on me. And now I'm just up late at nights listening to 80s love song super depressed wishing I had a boyfriend, sad right lol. It's a way different feeling and down feeling I ever had before. I'm 23 and still have a lot of time. But it gets intensely lonely.


I even had straight guy friends know about my transition and want to start something with me. But only on one condition if i didn't have SRS. So I was like yeah no they just had some strange fetish.

:(


But whether we're single or not we're all beautiful girls. We're posting this now but who knows maybe in 5 years will be happily married to the man of our dreams.