Susan's Place Transgender Resources

welcome to my room. careful now, there are traps hahaha! here I well talk about my day, answer questions if you have any and display my awesome poetry that daily pops into my head. I have one poem that rings in my head and yes all my poems are original so you can't have them! hahaha!
"March of lost souls"
the dark biting air stings my eyes
screams from the past swirl in my ears
my heart becomes heavy with sober and sorrow
I shiver and quake, they have come to take me away
march on oh lost ones of the past
souls trapped in the haze of time, wanting to be free
march on oh lost ones, march like a parade of a hundred demons

I have more but I think one for now is ok

Sounds like you're in a dark place, EA. Are you managing day-to-day?

I'm in a mild place. its not easy and its very taxing on my body but I'm managing fair. I guess all that stress I managed to seal away has finally come back to bite me. I'm getting sick more often and I'm lacking the energy even to open my eyes or stay awake.

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 09:27:24 AM
I'm in a mild place. its not easy and its very taxing on my body but I'm managing fair. I guess all that stress I managed to seal away has finally come back to bite me. I'm getting sick more often and I'm lacking the energy even to open my eyes or stay awake.

Well, in case it hasn't already happened, make sure you're screened for depression.

I agree with Suzi that getting screened for depression would be very beneficial for you because the effects of depression can really take all of your energy away from you. Talking to your doctors and therapist would be a wonderful step in helping you gain some energy in your life back. Big hugs
Mariah

I would love to get screened but all my doctors suck when it comes to my care except my gp. I try to find doctors who care enough and I find gatekeepers and apathetic doctors

I have to make a confession. please don't yell at me  :'(

So sorry to hear that. I take it your doctor options are limited where you live then. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 10:38:23 AM
I would love to get screened but all my doctors suck when it comes to my care except my gp. I try to find doctors who care enough and I find gatekeepers and apathetic doctors

No need to worry about that, but we do give lots of hugs. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 12:13:21 PM
I have to make a confession. please don't yell at me  :'(

very. I'd have to travel to either Penn or NYC to even have a chance of finding a good doctor. anyways, I'm up a creek. Thursday when I thought my vase was settled and it wasn't, I had a mental meltdown. well long story short, I did  what I swore I never do and made an order. its sitting down next to my laptop. right now because of my bad emotional control and impulsivity, my mother is seeking complete control over all my decision making which includes medical decisions. although she is cool and all, she might not allow me to transition even if its against medical advice. I got desperate and now I'm in trouble.

OMG! after all these years, my heart rate and pulse have finally calmed down in went back into the normal. my head doesnt feel as crowded anymore and i could of swore i felt a little smile crack, not to much, just a little twitch.

this poem is about a willow tree. the willow tree once was strong and free, until one day tragedy happened. the willow tree's tears were so hollow, so unimaginable filled with such sorrow, they reversed time itself and all who touch the water will revert back and become lost to time itself. no its not about me, just a story, thats all               
                  weeping willow
the willow tree leans, searching for light
it branches slouching, unable to stop looking down
its tears fall like rain from its dark green grassy leaves
forming a puddle, a river that flows backwards
all who touches, will become lost to time

Sad and moving poem.

May I ask what it is that fills you with such sorrow?

what fills me with such sorrow. hmm, that list is rather extensive. more importantly though, i just want to be selfish you know. i want to do something for me and only me and not give a rat's tail about again else, just for a little while.

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 01, 2015, 06:57:20 AM
what fills me with such sorrow. hmm, that list is rather extensive. more importantly though, i just want to be selfish you know. i want to do something for me and only me and not give a rat's tail about again else, just for a little while.

Yes, I do understand. Sometimes you must tend to your own needs before you're any good to anyone else, right?

Suzi is right we really do need to look out for ourselves in order to look out for others. My mom's doctor kept preaching that too me 2 years ago and I kept wondering why because I felt I was dealing with all my issues, but truth was I wasn't and you could see it. Now when I take my mom to the same doctor the subject doesn't come up anymore because I have now done exactly that. Hugs
Mariah

imma start cutting down my posting. starting to feel like there are very few threads i can actually interact in which is also getting me down.

I feel itchy and I couldn't stop eating all day long.  plus I didn't feel sleepy all day. just now I'm getting sleepy and this is the normal time I should be heading to bed, well 10-11 really but I wake up refreshed and not groggy o:

I was also looking for a place to write or express stuff (like poetry or just feelings)... is the blog area the best place for that?

I can understand somewhat where you're coming from Echo.  In my teens I was drawn to dark stuff too, and now.. I'm more fighting against the darkness. Sometimes it's useless struggling, and finding some kind of expression (like poetry, or singing, etc) would really help to bring out some of the stuff in us. There's just not many we can share with, unfortunately. People just don't understand, and ... depression is just a label, put on something deeper that's going on. Maybe there's some good doctors out there, but they don't really know the heart, they know what they've been taught, and chemicals.

So I say, keep expressing yourself. One way or another. I liked your poems, though I don't totally relate to them because of where I am now. But, that's the point, isn't it? To express from where we find our own vantage points. Interact in that light. Making our way through, hopefully towards better... towards growing meaningfulness.

not sure about the blog area. well I like to write dark and gloomy poems. I'm one of Nyx and Erebus's children so darkness is my home. lots of cool stuff I can do xD darkness isn't always evil. its how one uses it and perceives it to be. in the beginning before the universe was born, darkness was all that was there. darkness doesn't always equal evil as light doesn't always equal good.

Agreed. As an artist at heart, it's all part art. One color isn't 'better' than another. Some people find more meaning (whether in general or because of where they are) in darker shades.
I used to wear only grey and black. Nevermind white! Now to me that's all too bland, I want to express more! I want to be colorful, happy, joyful.

Why do I hurt? What do I yearn for? It's for goodness, of course! Not goodness as opposed to evil, that's.. outdated. Goodness as in living a meaningful and fun life...
But the mucky shadows of my past pull me down. I'm covered in tar, no one can see truly who's underneath, yet everyone treats it as normal, but this isn't me! ..well I don't blame them, they're covered in tar too (even if they don't notice as much). The product of an unwise society, unable to see their emotional selves, unable to see how far they've fallen in society's murky creations since their childhood... and, I could go on, but I'll leave it at that for now :D

i say screw society. they are covered in the pale imitation. darkness gives form to what is imagined. its the building block for all of creation thus why darkness is capable of things that light can't do. light is the life the breathed into what darkness creates. its like the yin and yang. some people bring life and other's are the one's that create the objects. peace however can never be achieved and shouldn't be achieved because without conflict, this world would fall to ruin in a matter of days. chaos is born when one force becomes stronger than the other. but you can still be happy however, its just somethings , even though achievable, they shouldn't be touched just like time travel or world wide peace.

Echo i like your poems ::)

Hmm. That to me speaks between unconscious (dark) and conscious (light) creation. I've noticed myself that there's so much potential to the imagination in darkness, letting lots be created without having to specify. When we look at something and light it up lots, creation often seems to slow down to a crawl. There's some truth there for sure.

Though, I believe in a balance (much like the yin yang shows), where conscious and unconscious are not out of alignment with our hearts, and ...knowing that chaos isn't really random, but something much more interesting, mysterious, and in some cases divine (as contradictory as that could sound).

Personally, I'll never give up on the big dreams, including world peace, and full on happiness. Do I think it's possible? maybe not, but it's like.. The more of it the better. And if it's not possible, then I'll never touch it, but I can treasure whatever I do live of it (still working on that :P). Not to say I don't get horribly disappointed when I step from that motivation to attachment of those things.

Screw society? As it is, Sure. I would not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. There's much potential to what society Could be. Can it be so much better within our life time? Who knows, it's at least a dream to look to. And of course.. I'm still looking for a way for goodness to stay alive even without conflict there (or, to transcend it). For the wisdom gained from it to be integrated into a new way of being. I'll let everyone know when I find it :D

peace and full happiness are indeed achievable. more so than you can imagine. why hasnt it happen? well nature just wont allow it. however to much of one thing is a bad thing. is there a balance between them? i have to say no and thus why the world is as screwed up as it now. nature seeks to balance and messing with the balance will result in consequences that well, i'd have to invent a word to describe how ugly things will get.

As long as humans are on earth they will not be world wide peace but you can find peace in one self in the chaos. To find peace we must soul search. I lost 224lbs by one day looking into a mirror i thought to myself omg im killing myself because i felt wrong and been surpressing it for 16 years and now im coming full circle.So to sum it up darkness is everywhere but theres always a glimmer of light.

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 05, 2015, 04:08:19 PM
peace and full happiness are indeed achievable. more so than you can imagine. why hasnt it happen? well nature just wont allow it.

I'm glad to hear you think it's achievable. :)
Is it really nature that doesn't allow it, or our human conditioning?

I have a friend who thinks maybe like what you're hinting at, that there's a natural Antropic force of deterioration/limitation to life. I think that's partially true, but I'm also open to that it's all a facade. At the very least, I'm deciding to explore the potential of life, because if I believe we're limited,.. well that's boring :P

It's all a learning process (including the appropriate balance)... And I agree, Yenneffer, soul searching is definitely part of it.. we're trying to find who we are, who/how we want to be in life, and more.

Quote from: Majj Wynn on May 05, 2015, 04:40:45 PM
I'm glad to hear you think it's achievable. :)
Is it really nature that doesn't allow it, or our human conditioning?

I have a friend who thinks maybe like what you're hinting at, that there's a natural Antropic force of deterioration/limitation to life. I think that's partially true, but I'm also open to that it's all a facade. At the very least, I'm deciding to explore the potential of life, because if I believe we're limited,.. well that's boring :P

It's all a learning process (including the appropriate balance)... And I agree, Yenneffer, soul searching is definitely part of it.. we're trying to find who we are, who/how we want to be in life, and more.

both

yes, its true humans are capable of so much more. i watch a movie called Lucy. it talked about this very thing to some degree. humans are limited as in turns of brain capacity. humans only use a tenth of the maximum brain capacity. if we somehow access the deeper parts of our brain, we can start to remove the limitation placed on us. so yes, there is a force of limitation however its a part of nature itself because there are things we arent suppose to know this this is natures way of keeping those secrets a secret

Like dreaming?

cant really give you my thoughts on dreams. i dont really have dreams anymore. its rare to have one and they are usually premonitions so to speak

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 05, 2015, 04:49:52 PM
[...]
there is a force of limitation however its a part of nature itself because there are things we arent suppose to know this this is natures way of keeping those secrets a secret

That's an interesting view. Maybe it's like how you wouldn't give a nail-gun to a kid. And let's face it, humans.. are kind of like children making lots of messes. At least on many levels.
Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes it's not.

I look forward to being able to make much more out of life though!

Dreams are interesting too, and speak of our unconscious. There's lots of potential to tap into there too, like intuition. The line between them and lucid dreams carries lots of power, including to explore the mysteries..

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 05, 2015, 05:04:51 PM
cant really give you my thoughts on dreams. i dont really have dreams anymore. its rare to have one and they are usually premonitions so to speak

il get that alot its called deh va juu correct me if i got that wrong.

ah, i had an interesting day. found out the cramping was from mass dehydration. i'd have to be drinking water ever second of the day to stop them until my body adjusts. anyways, i've never noticed but today, my co-worker past me and i got a nose full of stink. i hate to talk bad about a deaf person but personal hygiene is in order. plus i've really never knew just how irritating he is.

I don't have a strong sense of smell, but I could see that being displeasing. Hard thing to talk to someone about too.

I got really dehydrated too once. Doctor told me just drinking juice isn't enough, ya needs actual water.

Water the liquid of life

no, its blood really lol  :laugh:

tears of the heart fall like rain
flooding,drowning, sinking everything around
always waiting for a simple soothing touch

Short but sweet.

ps - your new avatar is pretty intense :o :D

yup, my avatar is a dark elf. i might end up getting elf ears. that poem was actually a haiku

if you go that far, gonna get facial tattoos too? You almost kind of have to to compliment it :P

I actually so would do that lol! love the tribal like markings but I would need to find an artist that knows elfen markings

Yeh a while back I wanted to get my arms have tribal-type tattoos, but .. I just couldn't find anything that felt like I wanted. The best I've seen is in games or shows..

And I wouldn't want anything else, I don't understand getting animal tattoos and stuff like that, I don't want to feel like a wall to put stickers on .. know what i mean? Has to be bigger and compliment the whole.

-

When I saw this pic I couldn't help but think of your posts. The simple soothing touch and the elf ears :D

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsafebooru.org%2F%2Fimages%2F1420%2F533375b37cffcb5a536276604bdd16b2adb4ad1a.jpg%3F1487368&hash=34f63f3ec7290fe5838f76e19eb49644dee5e05d)

my dog seriously doesnt know me anymore. -.- its like i'm something foreign to him now

Quote from: Majj Wynn on May 06, 2015, 02:09:58 PM
Yeh a while back I wanted to get my arms have tribal-type tattoos, but .. I just couldn't find anything that felt like I wanted. The best I've seen is in games or shows..

And I wouldn't want anything else, I don't understand getting animal tattoos and stuff like that, I don't want to feel like a wall to put stickers on .. know what i mean? Has to be bigger and compliment the whole.

-

When I saw this pic I couldn't help but think of your posts. The simple soothing touch and the elf ears :D

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsafebooru.org%2F%2Fimages%2F1420%2F533375b37cffcb5a536276604bdd16b2adb4ad1a.jpg%3F1487368&hash=34f63f3ec7290fe5838f76e19eb49644dee5e05d)

haha, i'm a dark elf though. that an earth elf xD wait, water elf sry. thats a water elf. you can tell by the hair

Yea elfs hmmm :-\

Just look at it the other way around then :) (water elf soothin dark elf)

You sure you're not a dwarf?
(just kiddin ;p)

Quote from: Majj Wynn on May 06, 2015, 04:42:28 PM
Just look at it the other way around then :) (water elf soothin dark elf)

You sure you're not a dwarf?
(just kiddin ;p)

im a princess

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDyRcPh6d0c
one of my favorite songs xD

I love Nightcore!
..the tune doesn't seem particularly insane like it sings about :P

One of my favorite bands on the crazier side is this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mZiSbt4JWU

Quote from: Majj Wynn on May 06, 2015, 05:10:56 PM
I love Nightcore!
..the tune doesn't seem particularly insane like it sings about :P

One of my favorite bands on the crazier side is this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mZiSbt4JWU

i like it :D my fav song is space lion from cowboy bepop

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 06, 2015, 04:53:50 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDyRcPh6d0c
one of my favorite songs xD

me likes this too

Quote from: Yenneffer on May 06, 2015, 05:16:28 PM
i like it :D my fav song is space lion from cowboy bepop

this one?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRxPFRHwjcI

it's a pretty soft-calm tune.

how bout this one? lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKQ0nPlbwzU

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 06, 2015, 05:31:39 PM
how bout this one? lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKQ0nPlbwzU

Yeh that's an interesting one for sure!
I loove the tune going, some of it sounds like something you could hear from a super nintendo horror game. Love chiptune sounds :D

Quote from: Majj Wynn on May 06, 2015, 05:27:46 PM
this one?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRxPFRHwjcI

it's a pretty soft-calm tune.

yes =*)

and there's this one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McfkDbjfllo

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 06, 2015, 05:38:10 PM
and there's this one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McfkDbjfllo

I like the singing in that one, there's something sweet about it that I like, even if I don't relate to the lyrics.

When I listen to nightcore I pretty much just leave a big mix/compilation to run, like this one (5 hours!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBbn29RXAAE

i couldnt do that unless i'm cleaning lol

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 06, 2015, 06:09:06 PM
i couldnt do that unless i'm cleaning lol

or going to sleep to get some whacky dreams

i get enough wacky at work, dont need wacky while i'm sleeping lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjZp9GfirSs

That music was.. calming :)
mellowed me even though I was jittery.

A tribute to the people in this room (up to now) :D
-just thought it was somehow fitting, when I found her.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsafebooru.org%2F%2Fimages%2F1422%2F81e0536563cd4ae815efcde823e5fa7f3d7d6925.jpg%3F1489706&hash=1e4346870546d705f9c71ffcb2e1665bbc5d19f8)
(is that too girly lookin for you echo?)

Quote from: Majj Wynn on May 10, 2015, 01:24:50 PM
A tribute to the people in this room (up to now) :D
-just thought it was somehow fitting, when I found her.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsafebooru.org%2F%2Fimages%2F1422%2F81e0536563cd4ae815efcde823e5fa7f3d7d6925.jpg%3F1489706&hash=1e4346870546d705f9c71ffcb2e1665bbc5d19f8)
(is that too girly lookin for you echo?)

I like goth so no though I wouldn't wear a corset

what the heck, how did I end up locking my own room. my finger was no where near that button .-, sry guys