Susan's Place Transgender Resources

no matter how i try to get around it, i feel lost and confused as ever. a giant vial dropped over me and i can't punch threw. my therapist says i need to try and relax and get to the root of why i feel lost even though i have a loving and accepting family but i feel like that hole is just growing constantly. idk what it is. its feeling me with such dread and since i gave into my emotions and letting myself experience them, they've become heightened, its getting worse.  i just feel even more lost than i've ever been

Hugs, EA.

I feel that way sometime. Hopeless and adrift. Feeling like the world has nothing to offer me.

It's an illusion. It's my dark thoughts convincing me that there's no way out of my current mood.

The moods were real. I couldn't pretend. But the perception of the world they brought on was fake. It helped me to realize that it was a facade, that there really was a brighter world even if my mood made it harder to see.

I don't know if this will help you, but it's all I got. I'm sending good thoughts your way (FWIW).

I know its an illusion. I'm in a better place than I've ever been. I can breathe, my head is clear, I have more energy to do things but its just the sinking feeling I have. just recently, I've actually felt fear, the undeniable sense of terror. I just feel lost and ever alone. maybe its because I busted down that wall. I just hate this hole I feel
thanks for the positive thoughts. they're helping a little.

Do you have a sense of what you're afraid of?

yes I do. I'm afraid to let go. the things I know and the things I am. if I let go, I'm afraid I'll lose everything. I know I should because I'll finally be free but I just can't.

I can remember feeling frightened during my transition because my old predictable 'safe' life was behind me and the future ahead of me was such a complete unknown.  Being on HRT and going through puberty again had its scary moments too because suddenly my body and my emotions and the way I lived in my head was changing to something I'd never truly felt before.  True enough the changes were welcome, but after living a 'safe' lie for 38 years it could sometimes become pretty darn overwhelming.

I can send you good thoughts too, and I can even pray for you if you like.  Hold on tight and keep going because once you get past this stuff you will find your life to be so much better.

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 02, 2015, 06:50:44 PM
yes I do. I'm afraid to let go. the things I know and the things I am. if I let go, I'm afraid I'll lose everything. I know I should because I'll finally be free but I just can't.

Well, there is no "should". You'll be better off in some ways, and not better off in others, but there isn't any one path that's required.

Are there ways you can keep it from being all or nothing? I.e. instead of either letting go completely or hanging on completely, are there ways you can ease into things?

I was always guarded and diamond thick skinned, emotionless and brutal. people stayed away from me, I was never bullied, I went through my middle and highschool life without a long term friend. I just lead a dull colorless life. though I was always stressed, I knee what was coming and how to fight against it, but now, I'm as defenseless as a newborn. I have to relearn to even get on my hands and knees to crawl. I don't have guidance or anyone to help me anymore. Its like I lost my place

Quote from: suzifrommd on May 02, 2015, 07:03:29 PM
Well, there is no "should". You'll be better off in some ways, and not better off in others, but there isn't any one path that's required.

Are there ways you can keep it from being all or nothing? I.e. instead of either letting go completely or hanging on completely, are there ways you can ease into things?

idk, I haven't tried. its highly advise I let it all go because its all nothing but trauma and stuff that destroyed me so giving it all up would give me a second chance

Hugs

sometimes I wonder if what I feel is right or wrong. my imagination, trying to find my niche or a place I can call my own. my its all just one big dream and I'll wake up and it'll all just disappear. my its my emotions. I can finally feel pain, hurt, fear and even feel those salty tears stinging my eyes. that tiny light smoking, trying to reignite again. however, I still fill empty

I feel some of that. I think it's amazing that you can be at least in touch with your emotions to the degree you are.
To me, the emptiness is worst than the emotions. At least there's something there, to feel! For so long it seems like I've felt so little. Doesn't mean I like fear, .. I find it's the hardest emotion to deal with. But the sadness, and all that ... it means I'm still capable of caring, it means I haven't lost all connection with my heart. Where there's care, there's the potential for loving. I don't want to ever give up on any of that, and I know I at least have the capacity for it, even if I'm pretty darn lost as to how I can just love life.

I don't have all the answers, far from it, but I can still try to help.
There's not right or wrong, especially in feelings. Emotions are good, they carry messages from the heart. To decipher is the challenge, because they carry stories, sometimes dark stories and perceptions, and those are not true, they are expressions, your heart tries to convey through them, but often we end up believing them, rather than understanding the emotional message from ourselves, and fall into the dark pit of the expression..

And it's natural to want a place to call our own. I don't know how that looks like in this earth dream, but I know it's possible inside. When we find it, we can feel it anywhere. I know it's possible, though I've only touched it a few times. Most of the time I feel like I don't belong, rejected. And it hurts on a level that I don't even feel. I want to feel it, and I want to heal it.

:icon_baby:

I think its because I'm coming down from  high of some sort. been feeling run down for the past couple of days. maybe its because I'm finally sleeping restfully, well at least waking up more refreshed, my head is finally cleared and I can see what really is before me. I just want it all to stop. seem like I now have to face all those little light spirits I stuffed in my closet. oh how I hate those bugs called pixies. hahaha

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 08, 2015, 10:17:43 AM
I think its because I'm coming down from  high of some sort. been feeling run down for the past couple of days. maybe its because I'm finally sleeping restfully, well at least waking up more refreshed, my head is finally cleared and I can see what really is before me. I just want it all to stop. seem like I now have to face all those little light spirits I stuffed in my closet. oh how I hate those bugs called pixies. hahaha

Hey that's good. Actually I've been having a much easier time waking up lately too.
Maybe it means facing more clearly reality? Maybe new things are opening up, for the better, and it's just the initial stuff that's hard to deal with. Or something like that ;)