Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I finally found someone who seems willing to go on more than one date with me. That's the first time in over a year that's happened. We get along really well. We seem to understand each other and relate to each other emotionally.

We sat for three hours talking, today, after our third date. I'm noticing that she seems interested in spending time but I'm not getting vibes from her that she feels romantic chemistry. We talked about our histories and struggles with some of our issues, including my transition. I asked her whether she ever wanted to be a man.

Her: No. Though I used to want to be a boy when I was little. Not anymore.
Me: So you're happy with your gender?
Her: No. I wouldn't say that. But I no longer feel like I really want to be male.
Me: So if the gender fairy came along and said she could wave her wand and make you a pretty good man for the rest of your life, you'd say "no thanks"?
Her (clearly tempted and liking the idea): Uh. Well. I'd have to think about that.

We talked more about it and she told me from childhood she has always seen herself as a male, not a female, and that she's faced alcoholism and depression over this issue. She's working with a therapist trying to figure out how to live with the desire to transition.

She's totally trans.

(I'm using the female pronoun because she's never said she identifies as male.)

This is the third time (that I know of) since I've started dating a year and a half ago, that someone has seemed interested and turned out to be trans. In both the other cases once they learned all about my transition, there was nothing else they were really interested in and ended up basically disappearing.

I really like this woman. I want something to happen between us. I don't relish the idea of being with her through a transition because I know how hard it is, but if we couple up and that's what she decided, I would stick by her and embrace the person who emerged. But I really don't want this to be another one who disappears once she's satisfied her curiosity about my transition.

I hope that's not all I have to offer potential dates - a window into the world of transgender. I hope I'm not that flame that all the trans moths are drawn to before they realize that I'm not the doorway to a new life, I'm just a scrawny candle. I was really hoping she saw something in me as a person.

That really sucks, I'm not going to lie I would be gutted if that happened to me. :(

Honestly I'd just cut contact with her and keep trying, as depressing as that sounds. I don't believe that you need that in your life and if you're already picking up on that problematic dynamic, why put yourself through it? If she can't see what else you have to offer then she is not worth your time. You have been through enough, you deserve the best and nothing less.

Ouch. It's hard not to feel used when something like that happens.

On the other hand, this is probably hard stuff for her to talk about, and if it's taken her until the third date, there's probably (at least) some real trust and liking there -- that doesn't sound like the way people sometimes will open up to a stranger they never plan to see again. If you like her, stick around, if you can do that without pressuring her -- she's going through a lot, without jumping into a (capital-R) relationship right away.

Look at it this way: you're thinking "Why do they keep turning out to be trans and disappearing on me?"  Wouldn't you rather not be the person in her life who leaves her thinking "Why do they disappear on me when I talk about my gender identity?"  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Fwink.gif&hash=fd49c1687b59c0ea097a7b4f1ed562a996fdaf5c)

Quote from: Adam (birkin) on May 04, 2015, 08:56:30 PM
If she can't see what else you have to offer then she is not worth your time. You have been through enough, you deserve the best and nothing less.

Thanks. I still think there's a possibility so I'm at least going to look for some clarity of her feelings.

Quote from: Tysilio on May 04, 2015, 09:21:47 PM
Wouldn't you rather not be the person in her life who leaves her thinking "Why do they disappear on me when I talk about my gender identity?" 

No, I totally don't, and I'm going to stick around regardless, either as a friend or romantic interest.

But I was thinking this was leading somewhere, and now it doesn't look as promising.

That's not a great spot to be in. My first "date" the other week seemed more like an interrogation about what I was going through - I don't think she was trans, just morbidly curious. Did they date you knowing you are trans? Do you feel that might have been the hook? How do you feel about this person - you said they didn't seem to have any chemistry, do you feel any towards them? Chemistry is a weird thing isn't it? You really can feel when it's there. Seems like laying out all your cards with them might be good.

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 05, 2015, 06:03:04 AMDid they date you knowing you are trans? Do you feel that might have been the hook?

Yes, she knew I was trans from the start. I didn't think that was the hook (though whoever really knows), but now I'm not so sure.

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 05, 2015, 06:03:04 AM
Seems like laying out all your cards with them might be good.

I'm thinking the same thing. I don't want to pressure anyone, but I also don't want to give up too much of my heart when she doesn't see it going that way.

Well, I have heard people say similar things without really meaning it in a trans context, usually either to attempt to have some sympathy for me being trans or exaggerating (i.e. Wanting to be able to play in the mud like a little boy but your parents didn't allow you). Still, I admit this is. Strange thing.

Last woman I dated was trans but in the MTF sense and I can't really say that it really changed the relationship much. Except we could both whine about our boobs hurting lol. My point is that even in that case it doesn't have to be a focal point of a relationship.

Quote from: Hikari on May 05, 2015, 11:00:29 AM
My point is that even in that case it doesn't have to be a focal point of a relationship.

You're right, and the first two dates, we didn't talk about my transition or her issues at all.

I'm just concerned that this seems to be a pattern - people seeking me out because I'm trans, and not being especially interested in the human being.

Quote from: suzifrommd on May 06, 2015, 09:30:28 AM
I'm just concerned that this seems to be a pattern - people seeking me out because I'm trans, and not being especially interested in the human being.

Are they actually not interested in the rest of you?  I've never dated a person for a single reason... I always liked multiple things about them.  I think about my transness pretty much non-stop these days.  I assume this is common for people just discovering it.  My guess is that they're interested in you as a person, but you're safe, and they're getting preoccupied with their transition.  Boundaries are important!  Say "hey, I support you in this, but our relationship can't be all about you."

Quote from: sparrow on May 06, 2015, 11:12:09 AM
Are they actually not interested in the rest of you?  I've never dated a person for a single reason... I always liked multiple things about them.

Well, in the past they seemed intrigued because they admired me for transitioning, but then didn't seem interested in developing a dating relationship when they saw me as more than just a transitioner.

I'd suggest reserving judgement for a bit, and let things play out naturally.  It's possible that this person may be transgender, and may have pursued you in part because of needing the courage to transition, but that doesn't mean that they don't have genuine feelings for you.  Some transgender people just prefer other transgender people, and that's legitimate.  Just be careful but not suspicious. Best of luck!