Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I was going to the pet store last Friday and had to park well across the lot. I went in got my large bag of litter and left the store with it over my shoulder. About half way to my car, some guy in a SUV asked if I needed help, I said no thank you, and then he asked if I wanted to go out for drinks, I said no thank you again. As I was driving away, he waved and I kept on driving. Granted I was showing a lot of leg with the skirt I was wearing and should expect stuff like this the more lady like I become. I was weirded out but I'm not sure if I should be. I should be flattered but am scared if someone realizes I still have my male "equipment". Plus, it seems strange to ask someone out in a store parking lot. Just looking for how others might have handled the situation. Thank you much ladies :)

I can totally understand how you would be weirded out by it, but when it comes to guys they seem to be willing to ask us out any old place. I had one try at a bus stop. I would have probably been creeped out by that too considering he was in the SUV. He sounds harmless, but ya never know. Hugs
Mariah

  Men aren't my preference so I'm especially not looking forward to having to deal with this sort of behaviour.  I've witnessed a lot of it happening to women around me and also heard the craziest stories.  Men are totally weird to deal with often, no matter your gender presentation.

Women need to depend on our intuition. If you were creeped out, there was probably something creepy. We get used to trusting our gut.

That guy was definitely being weird. I think in this case you were right to trust your instincts.

A gentleman will never shout at you from a car window, he will not try to GET YOU INTO said car, he will not attempt to approach you as you're loading things into your own car (to grab your keys and shove you in the trunk???), and, most importantly, a gentleman will never ever push you on ANYTHING after you've said no. This guy was not a gentleman, he was a creep, and you did well to avoid him.

Quote from: suzifrommd on May 05, 2015, 09:45:12 AM
Women need to depend on our intuition. If you were creeped out, there was probably something creepy. We get used to trusting our gut.

  Totally agree!  There was an older transwoman I knew who I sorted out was seriously hinting at wanting to date me.  Not that there's anything wrong with that but it's not something I'm keen on personally.  The real problem was that everything else about her screamed 'creepy male ->-bleeped-<-' and I got really freaked out and broke off contact.  I later was able to establish through her choices of partners that I wasn't far off with that assessment.

  Often it's best to trust your instincts.  Be especially discerning if you sense the person is only taking their own wants and needs into account.

I'm a huge music nerd so I always have headphones on when I'm out and about. I have had a few guys bug me now but I can't, for the most part, hear what they are saying. That's my preemptive technique.

Guys are dogs.. but I like dogs.... just not before GRS..... no dating now.. but I am getting used to the attention.. I like it...
Dodie

Please be careful about wearing headphones, try to keep one ear open to hear whats going on around you. Sometimes your only warning is the noise someone makes when they are behind you.

Quote from: emyrinth on May 05, 2015, 11:19:31 AM
Please be careful about wearing headphones, try to keep one ear open to hear whats going on around you. Sometimes your only warning is the noise someone makes when they are behind you.

I don't wear them late at night and I travel by bicycle mostly. I keep them at low enough volume too that I can hear that someone is talking, I just don't know what they're saying.

 ;D Glad to hear it. I'm a little paranoid sometimes.

Quote from: Kellam on May 05, 2015, 11:23:06 AM
I don't wear them late at night and I travel by bicycle mostly. I keep them at low enough volume too that I can hear that someone is talking, I just don't know what they're saying.

I don't recall hearing that bad people adhere to any particular schedule...its not like day shifters are less violent than the night shift.

You could also consider getting a concealed carry permit and arming yourself.  I'm oh so glad that I did that a while back so now I can have that extra piece of mind during my transition!

Quote from: Tristan on May 05, 2015, 11:45:07 AM
You could also consider getting a concealed carry permit and arming yourself.  I'm oh so glad that I did that a while back so now I can have that extra piece of mind during my transition!

  All I've got up here in Canada is my wits!

I would also avoid guys driving windowless vans :icon_suspicious:  The only creepy guy I've had was a ->-bleeped-<- in a gay bar.

Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner in the "How long until someone uses the horrid word "->-bleeped-<-" in this topic?" contest.   :-\

No, you should not expect it.  No woman should expect to be hit on by random strangers, and certainly, they should not feel obligated to be flattered.  I'm a guy, and I have asked people who *looked* like they were struggling if they needed help with groceries (old people and pregnant women, for example).  The fact that he was in a truck, and not nearby on foot is creepy.  Then, after you told him that you didn't need help, he should have left you alone.  It's not acceptable to try to pick women up from your car window - the guy's a jerk.  Be flattered when someone gives you a genuine, and appropriate compliment, not when they just want to sleep with you (he did, trust me...). -.-

Most of my friends are women so, I hear *a lot* of this stuff... >:(

I carry even in NYC but that's for really last resort stuff. Most times "no" works.

I've had a couple people try to chat me up. It was nice but I'm married.

Thanks for the advice. My first instinct was to be weirded out and it was the correct answer. There just seems something wrong about asking out a stranger in a grocery store parking lot. I am already scared of windowless vans. What's even creepier, is a van with a small circular window in the back, lights, and a disco ball. I've never seen that in person but still scary nonetheless.

Somebody please educate me on why the word "->-bleeped-<-" is bad.  Because I haven't been a member for long, is this a term that members avoid using or offensive to some?   

As you can see from my profile pic, I am pretty easy to clock. Based on my perception, guys that have given me attention can be divided into three groups,

(1) sincere flirters that don't give a hoot about the trans issue;
(2) guys that are not interested in anything other than talking just because i am sitting in the bar stool next to them;   
(3) creepy ->-bleeped-<- guys that just want a quick encounter in the parking lot with a chick with a .....

Just the other night, I was out drinking and I told the guy sitting next to me (who obviously knew I was trans) that I was married with kids, etc. but he still waited for me in the parking lot and asked if I wanted to "hang out" with him.   
 

Quote from: TracyCakes on May 07, 2015, 03:33:30 PM
Somebody please educate me on why the word "->-bleeped-<-" is bad.  Because I haven't been a member for long, is this a term that members avoid using or offensive to some?   

(3) creepy ->-bleeped-<- guys that just want a quick encounter in the parking lot with a chick with a .....

^->-bleeped-<-.  "->-bleeped-<-s" are those who deliberately seek out non- or pre-op transgender people (especially women) for sex and to fetishize in general.  They "get off" on the idea of having sex with someone of the gender they typically swing for but with the sexual anatomy of the sex less often linked with said gender.  Straight men are most often the culprits when it comes to women, and gay men are often the culprits when it comes to me.  For example, I was in a bookstore, and a (very obviously gay) guy who worked there approached me to recommend books (unsolicited advice...).  Within 10 minutes of speaking with me, he point blank told me to my face that he "has a thing for guys with vaginas."  I was seriously irritated and disgusted.  I'm straight, but I don't care if gay men hit on me.  However, viewing someone as their genitals is never, ever OK.

*Several words of caution, that complicate matters: There are people who legitimately prefer to couple with transgender people for various reasons.  Some transgender people (honestly, myself included) have slight to absolute preferences for other transgender people because of shared experiences, shared vocabulary, etc.  Some people (trans and cis alike) may also prefer to couple with transgender people for reasons such as: 1) being attracted to certain aesthetics that may be more common in transgender people (again, I fall into this category because I don't find really round features, which are more common in cisgender women than in transgender women, attractive - they look childish to me, that's just my aesthetic preference), 2) preferring the often more dynamic experiences with gender and sensitivity to issues of gender (especially common among lesbians), 3) for some people who have been the victims of sexualized violence, they may feel more comfortable with certain sexual anatomy regardless of their gender preference (this definitely affects transgender men who may be seen as less threatening than a male-bodied man), 4) some people, especially younger people who have children and are in low income brackets, may prefer to eliminate the risk of pregnancy by coupling with someone with whom they are reproductively incompatible (most of the cisgender women who express an interest in me fall into this category), and 5) some people are legitimately attracted to a certain gender and a certain sex - that's actually different than being a ->-bleeped-<-, even though the line on this one can be fine and a bit smudgy at times.

Quote from: TracyCakes on May 07, 2015, 03:33:30 PM
Somebody please educate me on why the word "->-bleeped-<-" is bad.  Because I haven't been a member for long, is this a term that members avoid using or offensive to some?   

As you can see from my profile pic, I am pretty easy to clock. Based on my perception, guys that have given me attention can be divided into three groups,

(1) sincere flirters that don't give a hoot about the trans issue;
(2) guys that are not interested in anything other than talking just because i am sitting in the bar stool next to them;   
(3) creepy ->-bleeped-<- guys that just want a quick encounter in the parking lot with a chick with a .....

Just the other night, I was out drinking and I told the guy sitting next to me (who obviously knew I was trans) that I was married with kids, etc. but he still waited for me in the parking lot and asked if I wanted to "hang out" with him.   

I can only speak for myself, of course. I'm a woman with a penis or a man with breasts, depending on how the person wants to look at me. Either way is fine with me. The people who are interested in me have to be interested in that mixture of gender by default. So in essence, anyone who likes me is labeled here as a bad person with "dirty" inclinations. That's why I don't like it.

Also, describing people as "creepy ->-bleeped-<- types"  (not just you by the way) based on their romantic and sexual orientation is bashing, and that is simply against the rules here.

I suggest that people brush up on their knowledge base before making statements as well.  There have been mischaracterizations about DQ's, CD's, ->-bleeped-<-s, and  fetishes lately.

Hugs, Devlyn

Before this blows up any further, there is clearly a distinction between people who want to go to bed with you because of what you are rather than who you are.  If you are cool with being objectified, then that is your prerogative, but I would not exactly feel safe with someone who thought of me as a "thing" rather than a living, breathing human being. 

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on May 07, 2015, 05:20:06 PM
The people who are interested in me have to be interested in that mixture of gender by default. So in essence, anyone who likes me is labeled here as a bad person with "dirty" inclinations. That's why I don't like it.

Also, describing people as "creepy ->-bleeped-<- types"  (not just you by the way) based on their romantic and sexual orientation is bashing, and that is simply against the rules here.

This was addressed in what I just posted regarding being cautious about labeling someone as a "->-bleeped-<-," because there is a distinct difference between a "->-bleeped-<-" and someone with a specific sexual orientation.  No one on this thread was bashing anyone with a legitimate romantic or sexual orientation, but simply differentiating between such people and those who target transgender people for sexual exploitation specifically because they are transgender - which is most certainly against the rules. 

There are plenty of people who prefer to couple with transgender people for a multitude of reasons - that is a preference.  Other people specifically want to use us for our bodies, and to these people, we are nothing but the sum of our sexual anatomy - these are very, very different things that TracyCakes was very politely asking for advice about understanding.  If you find the term offensive, that's completely valid, but it's a common term for a specific type of person by whom many of us have been harassed so, we also are entitled to our opinions.

Again, no one was bashing anyone based on any "protected class status" (i.e., gender identity, expression, sexual or romantic orientation, etc.).  I think that these conversations absolutely can and should happen because of the high rate of discrimination and harassment transgender people face.  But we must also be cautious with how quickly we assign labels to people unless they exhibit some truly shocking behavior (like that the OP was subjected to), because we do not want to accidentally mischaracterize someone's sexual orientation.

Quote from: Jill F on May 07, 2015, 06:08:15 PM
Before this blows up any further, there is clearly a distinction between people who want to go to bed with you because of what you are rather than who you are.  If you are cool with being objectified, then that is your prerogative, but I would not exactly feel safe with someone who thought of me as a "thing" rather than a living, breathing human being.

Exactly!  Thanks, Jill!  It always takes me a page to express ideas, haha.

I'm always suspicious of any guy who decides to insert himself into my personal space when I am out in public. Especially if they happen to be driving a vehicle - had that happen at night once, it was very scary. If they think a woman will be flattered by their creepy attention they clearly have huge tickets on themself.

Also... :police:
Let's steer off the ->-bleeped-<- topic, as far as this thread is concerned the guy was hitting on the OP because he saw an attractive woman who he felt an urge to act creepy towards. There's no indication he was a ->-bleeped-<-, this topic is not about that so please drop it or the thread will be locked.

We should call people who give us unwanted attention "people who give us unwanted attention" rather than derogatory names like "->-bleeped-<-" though.

Demanding that people don't call you a ->-bleeped-<- while you're calling someone a ->-bleeped-<- is just laughably hypocritical.

Hugs, Devlyn

My inclination would be simply state that "my boyfriend would not appreciate me doing so. thank you though"
If he's a genuine creep he will persist and you can gauge the situation. Ignore, or go back inside the store and get some help.

It is pretty clear when someone is being creepy.  It is never in my opinion appropriate to wait for someone in a bar parking lot just so you can proposition them.  If that is ->-bleeped-<- bashing and against the rules, apparently I need to disassociate myself from susans. 

And by the way, I don't demand people call or not call me anything.  I prefer not being called ->-bleeped-<- but I don't demand. 

Moreover, to me ->-bleeped-<- is derogatory for the way someone acts, how they conduct themselves and interact with people.  On the other hand, Trans woman is who I am not how I act, or my conduct.  So I really don't even see the comparison.   

Grace sorry for going off a little based on the comment about being laughably hypocritical.  You don't need  to lock this on my account, I'll be gone from susans. 

Tracey.....Dont leave the site based on this one post. first of all asking a question is not wrong. the ladies are having a difference of opinion about the meaning and definintion of ->-bleeped-<-. People are going to have disagreements If we don't agree with them we just move on to the next post. But Susans is a great site. I have been of and on here for years and find it to be a good source for information and support. So stick with us.
love Kelly