General Discussions => Health => Topic started by: EtheralBotany on May 05, 2015, 06:31:51 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Body Dysmorphic
Post by: EtheralBotany on May 05, 2015, 06:31:51 PM
Post by: EtheralBotany on May 05, 2015, 06:31:51 PM
So I have not a moment to enjoy my transition, and it to me is a very personal time where you should gather yourself. Feel and look at areas on your body, and not only does it familiarize you but you can be conscious of the changes/outcomes..
I feel great going through my transition, to have reached 7 months, but prior I had been on for about 8 months.. This time around, I am a more widely known in the public eye and my gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia eats me up.
Thoughts that the lack of hormones really tore me up, and now I feel I cannot breath. Not only I do I rarely wonder where I could be at now, but I just cannot gather the time to embrace myself in a healthy way.
Let alone, masturbate, be in a relationship, have natural genuine friendships and not face the pressure to always be on, when I have yet to even see myself..
I ignore mirrors, cover up and any attention is bad attention when it comes to me. Nice legs, I immediately want to cover up.. I am comfortable, but I cannot get used to myself.
Then come these times where I feel I am going to die and I must eat foods that will help me gain.
Honest truth: I thought I had HIV/AIDs a few years back.. I gave a man in a hotel a ->-bleeped-<-, and no I did not swallow.. but I get very weak, bones ache.. whole nine yards, and then a few months back I just had my first experience being penetrated.. I get very weak, and after a workout, I am fine but eventually I start aching all over. So again, I feel I am dying. Then I can feel a part of my body and feel like muscles and bone.. or just bone.
I am stuck.. really.. I have been tested and I am clear.. I go through this often, and become comfortable being at a heavier weight, I feel strong. I walk around much more now also, so that makes it harder..
I avoid working out because I lose weight so easily, possibly just metabolism, feel food breakdown quick.. I really do not know.. because I love conditioning.. but even now I lay on my hand and I think I am going to break it, or I am too bony rubbing against outer surfaces. Am I not going to develop better because I lack nutrients?
This time around my body has not been forming the same, and that alone urks me.. Giving too much attention to others than myself.. So much pressure.. So much..
Then my entire 'personal' life is out there, so if I am too skinny or too fat, it is never enough.. No one to talk to, this 'fame' life is killing me.. I just want to eat bread and be left alone...
I feel as if my body is twisted, and I had a broken and dislocated ankle and just having the leg heal and be a bit smaller irritates me.. It is weaker, trails.. MY gosh, a day in my complex world.
Being conscious of my body etc.. I can feel how tense I am, even to how I walk, the thrust of my hips (holding back), I slouch and always notice that..
It is a mix of I do not want to seem cocky or over confident so I compensate.. UGh.. I am just tired.. I need more sleep, this whole life..
Lack of life + transitioning..
I feel much more masculine this time around, but I am committed and not letting my transition go this time, but the process is no way similar to how it was before.
I feel great going through my transition, to have reached 7 months, but prior I had been on for about 8 months.. This time around, I am a more widely known in the public eye and my gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia eats me up.
Thoughts that the lack of hormones really tore me up, and now I feel I cannot breath. Not only I do I rarely wonder where I could be at now, but I just cannot gather the time to embrace myself in a healthy way.
Let alone, masturbate, be in a relationship, have natural genuine friendships and not face the pressure to always be on, when I have yet to even see myself..
I ignore mirrors, cover up and any attention is bad attention when it comes to me. Nice legs, I immediately want to cover up.. I am comfortable, but I cannot get used to myself.
Then come these times where I feel I am going to die and I must eat foods that will help me gain.
Honest truth: I thought I had HIV/AIDs a few years back.. I gave a man in a hotel a ->-bleeped-<-, and no I did not swallow.. but I get very weak, bones ache.. whole nine yards, and then a few months back I just had my first experience being penetrated.. I get very weak, and after a workout, I am fine but eventually I start aching all over. So again, I feel I am dying. Then I can feel a part of my body and feel like muscles and bone.. or just bone.
I am stuck.. really.. I have been tested and I am clear.. I go through this often, and become comfortable being at a heavier weight, I feel strong. I walk around much more now also, so that makes it harder..
I avoid working out because I lose weight so easily, possibly just metabolism, feel food breakdown quick.. I really do not know.. because I love conditioning.. but even now I lay on my hand and I think I am going to break it, or I am too bony rubbing against outer surfaces. Am I not going to develop better because I lack nutrients?
This time around my body has not been forming the same, and that alone urks me.. Giving too much attention to others than myself.. So much pressure.. So much..
Then my entire 'personal' life is out there, so if I am too skinny or too fat, it is never enough.. No one to talk to, this 'fame' life is killing me.. I just want to eat bread and be left alone...
I feel as if my body is twisted, and I had a broken and dislocated ankle and just having the leg heal and be a bit smaller irritates me.. It is weaker, trails.. MY gosh, a day in my complex world.
Being conscious of my body etc.. I can feel how tense I am, even to how I walk, the thrust of my hips (holding back), I slouch and always notice that..
It is a mix of I do not want to seem cocky or over confident so I compensate.. UGh.. I am just tired.. I need more sleep, this whole life..
Lack of life + transitioning..
I feel much more masculine this time around, but I am committed and not letting my transition go this time, but the process is no way similar to how it was before.