Community Conversation => Significant Others talk => Topic started by: Snowlady on May 05, 2015, 07:39:11 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Straight woman with FTM fiancé
Post by: Snowlady on May 05, 2015, 07:39:11 PM
Post by: Snowlady on May 05, 2015, 07:39:11 PM
Hey there,
I'm new and am so glad to have found this forum.
Bit of background about us. We met at work a couple years ago, I assumed he was a lesbian at that time. We became close friends, he was in a relationship. I consider myself a straight female and had never met a person who felt like my fiancé. When I started having feelings I was very confused about where I stood sexuality wise. I got past that choosing to look at the bigger picture.... I had found my love.
He started T in January and has a scheduled top surgery this summer. He has been very blessed with the quickness of his transition process.
Why I'm writing? I am hoping to hear other people's experiences in this area. I find myself questioning whether I'll be ok not having a "penis" for the rest of my life. When I think about this I feel tremendous guilt for even thinking it as my partner is the love of my life. Are these normal thoughts? Have others felt this way? How to I get over them?
I'm new and am so glad to have found this forum.
Bit of background about us. We met at work a couple years ago, I assumed he was a lesbian at that time. We became close friends, he was in a relationship. I consider myself a straight female and had never met a person who felt like my fiancé. When I started having feelings I was very confused about where I stood sexuality wise. I got past that choosing to look at the bigger picture.... I had found my love.
He started T in January and has a scheduled top surgery this summer. He has been very blessed with the quickness of his transition process.
Why I'm writing? I am hoping to hear other people's experiences in this area. I find myself questioning whether I'll be ok not having a "penis" for the rest of my life. When I think about this I feel tremendous guilt for even thinking it as my partner is the love of my life. Are these normal thoughts? Have others felt this way? How to I get over them?
Title: Re: Straight woman with FTM fiancé
Post by: Mariah on May 05, 2015, 07:44:21 PM
Post by: Mariah on May 05, 2015, 07:44:21 PM
Hi Snowlady, welcome to Susan's. Thank you for coming here and trying to learn what you can as caring partner to him. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...
Mariah
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Title: Re: Straight woman with FTM fiancé
Post by: Dex on May 05, 2015, 09:49:43 PM
Post by: Dex on May 05, 2015, 09:49:43 PM
Hello,
My wife and I started out exactly the same as you and your fiancé. She is and has always been straight. I was living as a lesbian at the time and not out to anyone about my trans status. She was separating from her (now ex) husband and I was getting out of a 6 year relationship. We met at work as well. We became close and fell in love.
This was a huge deal for her and was very confusing for her as well. She turned her life upside down with her family, her ex husband (since they have 3 children together), etc. All for me. About a year or two in, I told her that I had always felt like a man. She was very understanding and supportive. I used to say I wouldn't transition because it would be too hard for the kids and difficult for her family to accept. Plus work (we still work together).... But it became too much to bear. Like your fiancé, getting hormones and starting transition was very easy for me and luckily for me, I haven't lost a single person and work has been amazingly supportive. I started T 17 months ago.
We've been together for 8 years now and married for almost 3.
As for your main question - that's a tough one. My wife and I are very honest with each other and always have been, even when it's difficult. My lack of a fully functioning, natal penis is painful for us both. I know she feels... Cheated in a way. She never felt the way she does with me with anyone else. She finally found the love and connection she always wanted but we can't connect in that traditional male/female way. Trust me, I feel cheated too. So, yes, I would say that I think your feelings are very normal and not completely confined to being with a trans guy. Men assigned male at birth could have micropenis, no penis, or have had an accident rendering their penis useless... So I think these are normal and fair feelings to have.
However, that doesn't mean our sex life is unsatisfactory. There are a variety of different ways to get around that. The key for us is communication and being honest and vulnerable with each other. You may never "get over it". He probably won't. I know I can't. But we deal with it... And we do it together.
My wife and I started out exactly the same as you and your fiancé. She is and has always been straight. I was living as a lesbian at the time and not out to anyone about my trans status. She was separating from her (now ex) husband and I was getting out of a 6 year relationship. We met at work as well. We became close and fell in love.
This was a huge deal for her and was very confusing for her as well. She turned her life upside down with her family, her ex husband (since they have 3 children together), etc. All for me. About a year or two in, I told her that I had always felt like a man. She was very understanding and supportive. I used to say I wouldn't transition because it would be too hard for the kids and difficult for her family to accept. Plus work (we still work together).... But it became too much to bear. Like your fiancé, getting hormones and starting transition was very easy for me and luckily for me, I haven't lost a single person and work has been amazingly supportive. I started T 17 months ago.
We've been together for 8 years now and married for almost 3.
As for your main question - that's a tough one. My wife and I are very honest with each other and always have been, even when it's difficult. My lack of a fully functioning, natal penis is painful for us both. I know she feels... Cheated in a way. She never felt the way she does with me with anyone else. She finally found the love and connection she always wanted but we can't connect in that traditional male/female way. Trust me, I feel cheated too. So, yes, I would say that I think your feelings are very normal and not completely confined to being with a trans guy. Men assigned male at birth could have micropenis, no penis, or have had an accident rendering their penis useless... So I think these are normal and fair feelings to have.
However, that doesn't mean our sex life is unsatisfactory. There are a variety of different ways to get around that. The key for us is communication and being honest and vulnerable with each other. You may never "get over it". He probably won't. I know I can't. But we deal with it... And we do it together.
Title: Re: Straight woman with FTM fiancé
Post by: Snowlady on May 07, 2015, 04:44:18 PM
Post by: Snowlady on May 07, 2015, 04:44:18 PM
Hey Dex,
Thanks for sharing your story, you don't know how helpful it has been to read!
I think with all the changes that are going on with the transition and such I think fear likes to creep in and fool around a bit..haha. We are the same in that we communicate all the time and the sex, although not what a relationship is based on is important, we have a great one too. I just needed to hear our story and thanks for that!
All the best!
Thanks for sharing your story, you don't know how helpful it has been to read!
I think with all the changes that are going on with the transition and such I think fear likes to creep in and fool around a bit..haha. We are the same in that we communicate all the time and the sex, although not what a relationship is based on is important, we have a great one too. I just needed to hear our story and thanks for that!
All the best!
Title: Re: Straight woman with FTM fiancé
Post by: Regina on May 08, 2015, 06:41:41 AM
Post by: Regina on May 08, 2015, 06:41:41 AM
My story reads nearly the same as both of yours, it must be a "thing" lol. At first, I was definitely in the "it's ok now but what if I miss it later/change my mind" group. Over time (we've only been together six months), I've realized that there isn't much use in fretting over future issues that may or may not come to pass. Our sex life is very fulfilling so I focus on what I enjoy about it not what I may miss in the future. If that makes sense.
If you're secure enough in your relationship to agree to marry him, hang onto that. Sexuality, body parts...it all works itself out. At the end of the day, growing old (too old for those things to be as relevant?) with your best friend is what it's all about. Congratulations!
I do a lot of reading on here (in the TG sections as well) which has helped me a lot, as well.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
If you're secure enough in your relationship to agree to marry him, hang onto that. Sexuality, body parts...it all works itself out. At the end of the day, growing old (too old for those things to be as relevant?) with your best friend is what it's all about. Congratulations!
I do a lot of reading on here (in the TG sections as well) which has helped me a lot, as well.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk