Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Just a preface to the post but this may be sort of triggering  for some, so please avoid this post if you want to avoid anything like that.  And i apologize in advance  for any negativity but I  imagine there are other people  here that share my feelings  on this.

As the title above says, I feel really strange for saying this but mother's day is bumming me out big time this year.  It just feels like its a big symbol and reminder of what almost everyone has but that I never will.  Truth is it kind of kills me to know that I can't ever have my own children.   When I started hormones,  I realized I would be sacrificing any chance of having children.  Likely it wasn't  going to happen  anyway for other reasons both social and biological, but this is like giving up whatever chance there may be. At the end of the day, I don't want to be a biological  father.   That is way too dysphoria  inducing  for me to deal with and that's not something  that would ever be fair to any child.   And there is no way i could ever imagine  a situation  where I would be a father.   So, making the decision of starting  hormones  and giving up the possibility  of having kids was a tough thing but something that I  was okay with.   And I'm happy with the fact that I'm transitioning because  I  really need to do this. 

With all that said,  to know I  will never be a parent and have a family really does crush me.   Even if what i said above is true and at 26 I'm no where anywhere ready for a family,   it just hurts that I will never have  kids the way that would have been right.  And mother's day just reminds me not only that I'll never be able to have what most people  do but it reminds me of how weird/different  I am.  The life I  wish i could have will  never be possible.  And besides knowing I'll never  be able to have kids,  it's also knowing that family is going to be out of my reach too.  Honestly, i can't imagine I'll ever meet someone who would want to be with me.   I've never really  dated in my life and now with transitioning  i cant imagine that will change.  Lets face it, most men dont want to date a transexual.   And knowing  that I don't have an appealing  personality  or appearance,  it just makes  me feel  like I'll  never  meet someone as I feel I'm unlikeable from all angles.  It hurts to know I'll never date or one day have a partner and that my future is likely  to die alone.  But hey, the world needs crazy cat/dog ladies, so I'll have that down at least after my transition,lol.   And hey maybe being alone forever will allow  me to have sufficient time to one day be able to finish "war and peace" and "great expectations".  All I'll need is an eternity, lol.  But seriously,  I hate that I  have to be different  and that the normal  life i wish could be obtainable will never likely be possible  for me.  Maybe I'm just being cynical?  Its true that adoption  is always an option  and its true  that there are understanding  guys that are interested  in dating transexuals, but i suspect  I'm going to end up completely  alone.   It's hard to make peace with.

Anyway, am i alone in feeling  this way? Or is mother's day triggering  for others on here as well.  This is the first year I've really felt this way,  so im curious  if other transwomen  feel as i do.  The above is just how i feel, but I wonder if anyone finds the day triggering  for similar  or maybe even unrelated  reasons.

I don't understand this desire people have to have their own children or none at all. So you're 26 and single. So am I. You're not ready for a family and that's fine too. Not everyone is ready to settle down at 21 and certainly not everyone can. Yes, adoption is an option (even though it's a pain in the butt) and yes, there are men that Don't care about what's between the legs. Bottom line, if you're not ready, focus on you and your goals. You'll pick up a man along the way. Life is a highway so of course there will be hitchhikers.

As for mother's day, i don't know about triggering but i hate it since my mom uses it as emotional ammo against me. Don't be that mom, btw. Don't ever be that type of mom where your motherness matters so much that you scold your kid for "not good enough" gifts instead of wanting quality time.

Kind of but my son wished me happy Mother's Day. That works for me.

It doesn't trigger me in any way. My relationship with my Mom is fine. I have no desire whatsoever to be a mother. That's just not something that I want to do.

Seeing young mothers and pregnant woman is a dysphoria trigger for me (I've had at least one meltdown because of it, and a few tears on other occasions), it makes me really sad sometimes, but it doesn't have to be Mother's Day for that to happen. You don't have to be someones biological mother to be their mother though. There is no shortage of children in this world who need loving parents that take care of of them. I think it can be helpful if you think of motherhood as a certain way of human interaction, not just a biological act, after all, I don't think anyone would think of trans men as being like mothers even though some of them can and do get pregnant and breast feed. Even if you don't have young children, if you have already transitioned, you can be a mother to to people who are beginning the transition process. Provide emotional support and teach new girls about things like clothing, makeup, voice, hormones, surgeries, mannerisms, and guys. Use experiences from your past life to provide some guidance to guys in the transition process. In this way you can be a mother even if you don't have your own children or adopt children. I wish I had a trans-mother in my life right now. 

It's not a trigger for me at all and not something I think about as being negative in any context.  I have children and I'm separated from them by a continent, and that's upsetting, but the one thing that does make me uncomfortable is how depressed I am caring for them on a day to day basis (daddy day care).  Staying home and having such a large, abnormal conflict with being a trans woman (which I didn't accept while I was still under the same roof) and trying to play at being daddy was definitely not easy and led me to have large issues with depression that weren't remedied until I was no longer in that situation.

Now I'm just a bystander and I have the freedom and the independence to work on me; something I've never had the ability to do.  That in itself overrides any preconceived notion about baring my own offspring in the womb.  I have more stretch marks than the mothers of my children and I spent a lot of time doing what the general perception of the things a mother is expected to do that a father isn't.

Maybe my story is a very unique one and why I have the ability to dismiss dysphoria as a whole when it comes to children, holidays, or expectations.  That doesn't mean I don't have issues with my body image (who doesn't when they first start out?), but they aren't so bad that I sit and dwindle on them.  One little thing at a time.

So my advice?  Take the next few years to concentrate on yourself.  Work on you and don't put too much emphasis on the have-nots and wants when it comes to children.  Philanthropy isn't for everyone, but we have an excess of children whose legal guardian is the government; they desperately need a person in their lives that they can call mommy, and you're in a perfect position to one day simultaneously fulfill both of your needs.

I had my Mum and Dad visit yesterday, for Mother's Day.

At least we are talking now. We all want to move forward with things.

Mum was asking me all kinds of tough questions about why I have transitioned. They were a lot harder to answer in person and on-the-spot, than say in the written word, where I can express myself very well, and at my own pace.

I don't know if Dad believes it. I think Mum is open to it, but still cannot understand. She has begun referring to the new me as 'a different person' ... which I wish she didn't, as I am the same person, and I want her to see that.

I can appreciate where she is coming from though. I look and behave very differently - even though my experience of it all has been one of openness and honesty.

Hopefully time will make things easier.

not really. but than again any holiday is like a normal day for me

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Quote from: BenKenobi on May 10, 2015, 01:43:11 PM
I don't understand this desire people have to have their own children or none at all.

I kind of do. Adoption is simply not the same because the child will never have any of your genes. There is a major social component that will be missing, such as people commenting which side of the family the kid gets this or that characteristic. Trust me, people observe this all the time with my kids. Many adoptees also seek out their birth parents when they grow up. Some even sooner. This admittedly would hurt me a bit because I want the child to regard me as their parent and I feel that seeking out birth parents makes an adoptive parent sometimes feel less legitimate (it doesn't mean that they are, but the feeling may be there). I have heard nightmare stories of parents adopting kids from overseas only to have the kids turn on them when they are teenagers telling them they don't identify with the parents culture.

This doesn't mean that adoption isn't a very good thing that allows a good child to have a home and a parent to experience the joy of raising a child. Not at all. All kids should have a good, loving home to go to and should always be regarded as family, adopted or biological.

This is why if you don't have any kids already or even if you do, you should bank. Just in case. That said if it's too late already, one can still be a parent with adoption or fostering and it is still very fulfilling. But banking lets you have that option, just in case. And who knows, maybe science one day will allow us to have our own kids the way we were supposed to.

Mother's day triggers me because I wish and pray I could have the kind of relationship I need with my own mom. She has been abusive in many ways throughout my life. Some times we get along or she will love me and help me. But especially since I came out it has been like the abusive behavior of the past more than bEing a loving mom. Jekyll and Hyde is my mother.

Yes it's tough for me because my Mum is 94 and has severe dementia which is just the same as if my Mum had died, but there is someone who looks like her still around.  My demigirl daughter calls me Mum, but that's because her birth mother abused her and treated her so badly that she told me that I've been far more a true mother to her than her birth mother ever was.  When I was a teenager I used to daydream about being pregnant and having kids, so yeah Mothers' Day is a bittersweet day for me.

Not for me but for my wife it was a hard day since she just lost her mom in early February. There are times I wish we could have a child where I was carrying the child. It's not medically safe for my wife to carry a child so that is one reason we never had kids. We have talked adoption, but right now neither one of us is in the right place for that. A few more years maybe.

Otherwise I really enjoyed today spending time with my 87 year old grandmother who is as sharp as a tack and most people think she's 60. I just wish I was closer to my mother in Florida and we could have all been together today. We took my Grandmother out to her favorite Chinese Restaurant that is always very good. I also enjoyed being told "Happy Mothers Day" several times today even though we only have fur babies as our kids.

I suppose everyone  feels differently on the subject.  For me, it's not so much something  I want right now, it's just knowing that I'll never have a family one day that hurts.  Maybe I'm  being too negative,  but I do feel that way.  Anyway,  I shouldnt focus so much on the things that wont be and try to make the best with what i have.  And who knows, adoption  is possible and maybe one day I will meet someone who can accept me.  I just cant help but worry about my future and sometimes feel im heading nowhere.  It just leaves me feeling blah.

Anyway, it was a nice mothers day for my mom today.  My sisters  and i spent by the day with her.  First we went to visit my grandmother's memorial and then had dinner and watched  a horrible Nicholas Sparks movie.  At the very least, I'm  glad my mom had a good day and that leaves me feeling better as she deserves it.

Well, I haven't even started transition yet and I'm too young to be a parent anyway, so I don't know how much my opinion really counts, but here's my thoughts.
I don't know if I'll ever get married, but regardless I want to adopt a child if I can afford to. Since I will never bring a child into the world, I figure the next best thing is to make life better for a child who's already here. Motherhood isn't just about who gives birth, it's more about loving and raising a child.