Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Good Afternoon All,

I am late to the party. Don't quite know how I didn't add this all up sooner, except I have a wife and kids. Family takes a lot of time and energy.

I have been reading a book called "No! Maybe? Yes! Living My Truth". In it the author has different parts of their mind/personality broken up into what he/she calls parts. There are many parts. The know it alls, the protectors, the pragmatists and then there are "He" and "She"or "Him" and "Her". I found this kind of fascinating. However, I thought that is not me. I was not one of those that knew from an early age that my GID and body were in conflict. However, I also remember very little of my youth. It's like snapshots of someone else's life.

I have been doing therapy for the past 4 months. I originally went because I have had instances of under dressing through out my whole life, starting around 7. It seemed like a compulsion that would lead to sexual release. I found I was spending(wasting) a lot of time looking for lingerie or images of women. I always felt guilty after. Long story short (all together, "Too Late"). I wanted to get to the bottom of this and try to rid myself of this. It was only at this point that started researching and discovered that technically this all made me a cross dresser and whichever category the compulsion never goes away. Anyway, I sought help.

In the meantime, I started both researching further about cross dressing and tried to come up with memories to see if there was anything in the past that spoke to all this. I found that most of the descriptions of cross dressers did not fit my profile (no judgements). I did not want to go back to being male after release. It was purely pragmatic. I have come to the conclusion that I am in fact a woman within and lurching around trying to come to grips with what this all means and how to talk to my wife.  I have been reading books, articles, joined this site and slowly remembering little things.

I seemed to have a number of dreams where I was following a girl that I knew intimately. I could never see her face. I had previously assumed that it was just hormones in a dream. However, it is now striking me that she was me. I feel a little crazy saying that.

After all that. What I am asking is to the people who realized late in life. Was/Is there a girl hidden in there? (now I sound even crazier). I have been doubting myself about many things my whole life and now of course trying to work my way through all this... Is the girl within real or just a figure of speech? Is there part of a personality that has to be recovered. Coaxed out from under the bed. God, when I think of it that way it's terrible. All she's been hiding from. Did any of you have to meet the girl before you could really accept yourself or am I just romanticizing a literary device?

Feeling less in control every day,

Joanna

I don't know if there was a "hidden" girl. I certainly preferred friendships with females, music intended for females, books and movies written for females, and was fascinated by women's lifestyles, so I was a girl in a lot of ways, even if I didn't feel like one.

Interesting that you mention the girl in the dream. I recall similar dreams from years ago, before I accepted my true self. I think it is easier today, in western 'civilization', for younger people to know their true gender sooner. In your opening statement, you ponder about how you did not add it all up sooner. In my case, I was born in a remote mining town in the 1950s. This idea was forbidden. I spent years struggling with it.
When I reflect on that struggle, I often refer to my repressed desire to be myself as 'unleashing the girl' or 'letting the girl out'. I think she is real and the more of her I see, the less of the guy who's body she/I inhabit I see. In truth, the boy is the fictional character I created to hide behind, the girl is me. Always was.

-ellie

I've dreamed about being a girl for 4 years before I accepted it last year. I got my first glimpse of myself when I started growing my hair out when I was 16. I'm 33 now. I never understood why growing my hair out made me happy....until a year ago. Every time I've moved forward in acceptance of myself as a girl it makes me super, super excited. I've had certain gender related moments as a child that never made sense to me at the time, but after acceptance they came back to me and suddenly made since. So yeah There was a hidden girl in there for a very long time.

Yes I had a hidden girl inside me and as my dysphoria became worse I started to dream that I was a woman, the dream state strengthening to the point where on awaking from sleep the bodily sense of still being her would persist for anything up to a couple of minutes.

For me there wasn't. I can only attribute it to unisex clothes and egalitarian ideals. Colors varied, but when and where I grew up boys and girls wore mostly the same clothes except on special occasions. In my neighborhood we all played together, did most of the same things.

I remember not fitting in well, fantasizing that I was secretly an alien to explain to myself that problem. I remember being jealous of girls "dress up clothes", nothing I had was half so nice. I remember having a brush cut like my dad until he passed away when I was 11 and I grew it out, but that was the style. I remember developing gynecomastia in early puberty and my mother being scared that something was seriously wrong. I remember other things but this would become a book.

Through most of my life I remember being deeply unhappy and attributed it to the current issue of the day. The issues changed, but the unhappiness stayed until in December of 2013 I realized that the underlying problem was that I've never been a guy at all. Clueless!

Quote from: awilliams1701 on May 12, 2015, 04:33:28 PM
I've had certain gender related moments as a child that never made sense to me at the time, but after acceptance they came back to me and suddenly made since. So yeah There was a hidden girl in there for a very long time.

This. Once I came to the realization it's amazing just how many little memories started popping up that had been suppressed as an aberration.

There was most definitely a girl hidden away and now that she's coming out it's...I don't know. Fulfillment on a level I never imagined possible. Not being dead inside is weird.

hidden girl yes.

I wrote my name as Michelle, I prefer girls as friends. I wore colorful girlish colors growing up. as a teenager I spent most of my time identifying with other girls and let them do my hair and put makeup on me. I have had (and still do) have a fantasy since being 12 about being taken like a girl well there is me, another girl and a girl I can't see. I won't go into details but its very weird... and I still have it to this day. I would sneak into my older sisters room so I could see her things, try on her makeup. my favorite body part on my self was my butt and legs, though I wouldn't admit it. Guys would be working on arms, I'd be trying to find the right shorts to wear. :| I could go on... but ya, she has been there all along. I wrote a poem called 'sirens call' on this forum that speaks a bit to all this.

I would say buried a lot more so than hidden

Early on in life I knew I wanted to be a girl. Wished / Dreamed / Prayed I'd wake up as one, etc.. When I first put on my sisters clothes when I was 4-5 I got the very clear message of "Boys don't..."

In my early 20's I twice experimented with transitioning. First time after uni. Second time after marriage #1. Both times I got the clear message "You are a freak". And not always from others

So, I began the funeral. For years it was "I'm just a cross-dresser" "It's all out my system", etc.. In time the dressing even came to a stop between guilt, shame and time, and priorities. For years "She" was dead and buried. So was my soul, my life, my spirit.

Oh, yes, there was a girl, who started to come out a little when I was three, four, five years old.  And then she went into hiding under the constant psychological assault of my father and an older male cousin who were always after me to "man up."

She was a very smart and clever girl.  She knew how to hide, and how to choose her battles.  She made herself known in subtle, small ways over the years.

And then a stroke silenced my father forever.  He is still alive, but his mind is mostly gone, and he lives in a facility.  So I had to resolve things within myself.  I spent a few years shouting at an imaginary version of him whenever I was alone, not knowing how or why I was so angry.

And then, suddenly, it all came clear.  When I fought through the denial, and realized what I was, I was able to forgive him, and more important, forgive myself.  Then, Carly emerged into the light.

Since then there have been some stunning realizations. I remember in college, wanting to be the beautiful teenage beach girl in the bikini, feeling empty inside, feeling this huge, dark void inside me that I felt only having a girl in my life could fill.  Listening to songs like "Find Your Way Back," and pining for a nameless, beautiful girl with long, wavy golden hair -- and only recently realizing that the girl I was pining for, the girl whose love I needed, and who I needed to love, was the one hiding inside me all along.

So here I am, late for the party, but very happy to be here.

I can't say that I was ever aware of a "hidden girl," but I was always aware that I wasn't like the other boys.  It was more like I was the wrong species, or had the wrong smell, or something.  Even if I wanted to imagine that I had things in common with them, the other boys and the adults in my life made sure I knew that there was something wrong with me, though they could never explain what exactly.  I was often called a sissy or queer, neither of which made sense to me.  I did know they were intended to hurt and ostracize me, though.

Maybe I would have associated that wrongness with somehow being a girl, or being like one, if I'd had any contact with girls.  Back when and where I grew up, boys did not associate with girls and girls did not associate with boys, and I didn't have any sisters anywhere near my age.  (My only sister is 9 years younger than me.)

One thing that I've always puzzled over, though, is that the idea of being magically turned into a girl seemed so frightening.  Somehow, whenever I ran across the idea, like in a book, I imagined having everyone around  me publically humiliating me for the rest of my life.  But then, for me gender has always been about my dealing with the (mostly hostile) world of other people.  When I'm alone, I have no gender.

I'm not sure if hidden girl would be right. More like... buried and suppressed. I was told from a very young age (after a run in with malicious girl cousins who thought it would be fun to dress me up) that wanting to wear dresses was wrong. So... "she" went into hiding. I'm honestly not entirely sure anymore if the choices I've made in my life are because I wanted to, or if I was trying to prove that I wasn't her. Tae Kwon Do, motocycles, joining the Navy... I get the strong feeling that I was running away, trying to 'prove I'm a man', but I don't know for sure. I've gone over everything in my head a hundred thousand times in the past year.

I've gotten pretty good at lying. To others. To myself. It's a terrifying thought but over the past year I've slowly been breaking down a lot of my walls and... well, things make sense, now. Things I never admitted to myself. Things I refused to think about.

Like I said... hidden? Nah. Buried a mile deep? Oh yeah. But she's digging her way out. Slowly. Painfully. But hopefully soon... she'll reach the surface.

I definitely had a feminine side to me which felt so right, but I had to bury it.  It's no coincidence that a lot of my anxiety vanished and my confidence grew when I came out to myself last year.

I kind of was a late realizer as well as an early realizer; I realized in my early to mid-teens, then repressed everything and stayed that way for around fifteen years.

But yes, I had a hidden girl, and she popped out from time to time; secretly borrowing my sister's bath products, enviously glancing towards the women's department in clothing stores while never finding clothes that I really liked in the men's department, sometimes even allowing myself to be persuaded by friends to go to parties in drag, or admitting out of nowhere to being a woman, but then laughing it off as a joke.

I sometimes wonder if I had a mildly dissociated identity, not like multiple personalities, but more like repressing my female identity so extremely that I sort of splintered for a while. I had big holes in my memory, and only after I accepted my identity, I recovered many of these memories. It was as if the most important part of me had been hidden away, almost only surfacing when nobody looked (but people still suspected "something" was "off"), while I presented this shell to the world, which gave a false feeling of "safety", but in reality made me very miserable.

In a sense, accepting myself felt like being glued back together, and after I started on HRT, I feel that way even more, to the extent of having stopped attempting to get rid of my androgynous side; I do identify as female consistently, but I see no shame in challenging gender norms anymore. While I have lost some stereotypically masculine interests because they were a facade to divert attention from feminine traits, I have retained others. I'm at a point where, as long as I'm me and fully me, I don't really care what people think. People who now see me as "still somewhat male" for still watching science fiction (seriously, that's more of a nerd thing than a guy thing) or action (like Homeland or 24), are just as stupid and wrong as those who saw me as a "sissy" when I watched Love Boat and Chicago Hope in my teens. I'll keep on watching all the genres I like, and at least now I can admit to liking all of them.

I suspect that my therapist also suspects me of having been somewhat dissociated, since she has used phrases like "you seem to now be well integrated" when I told her about these periods (though without mentioning dissociation, since it could be leading, even though therapists are trained to avoid that it can still happen). Thankfully, it has not interfered with HRT, as I have HRT to thank for now finally feeling whole again. It's yet another example of symptoms originating in gender dysphoria, which is very common, but sadly some health professionals still by default insist on the opposite. Thankfully, the ones I go to don't.

I dont know if I ever had any dreams about myself being a girl, however I have always seen my face and body as female. And of course looking back after finally putting two and two together I should have known a lot earlier in my life.   :)

I can remember as a kid and even young adult, I had "hijacked" the Oscar Meyer jingle and sing to myself "oh I wish was pretty young female..that is what I'd truly like to be "  :laugh:

Not really a late realizer, but you can count me as a late to act. But when I was young, the path was very cloudy, and the whole process was still very experimental. I suppose that I can say I'm a late realizer of what is actually possible now :)

Like many have said before me, more buried and suppressed.

I (the girl) have always been here from the earliest I can remember but first family, and then society taught me to hide my self away so in actual fact, I have actually buried myself.

What people see today is an illusion I have created out of necessity to live some kind of life, not the one i should have lived given the chance.

So was she hidden to me, never....................but to the rest of the world, definitely.

Late realizer for sure never had much of a clue growing up save a few instances to present day. When I was in early grade school I was picked on never sure why maybe just the little kid that didn't fight back. Due to bullying I did find real fear of not showing my emotions for fear of being beaten up. Then around the age of 13 I had a realization of I could be happy only if I grew big and strong to avoid being bullied. Well that worked kind of but my other choice was to think if I stay a runt and oddly looking at my skinny legs I thought hmm they look like girl legs. Well I grew up but found some porn eluding to magical sex change and it really made me think what it would be like to be female. Then around mid 20's I decided to look up this on internet at that time it was more like transition into a hooker idea and no that isn't me at all. But now I am realizing that those signs and they way I reacted to people my logic seems to be that I am female more then male. Was there a girl hidden no just a feminine side that I have kept hidden to others and to myself too. I am at the stage of desperately wanting to try hormones to find the truth am I ???

The way I look at it there wasn't a girl in hiding more just a side of me that needs to now flourish that I have repressed all these years. The truth is more like I just never was male mentally so nope she wasn't hiding just lurking if that makes sense. Well or I have lost my mind but don't think I have lost that either:) Sorry still perhaps in that struggle of who/what am I phase but also hoping she comes to light and he Is now left in the shadows but not dead since he will always be part of me too.

Yes there was always a girl here inside Me .I had to try to suppress her for most of My life but never managed to keep her down completely .Therefore I was living in constant fear of her showing herself in things I said and Did. I was able to let her out a little by being a House Husband doing the cooking and cleaning . I loved watching Chick flicks and Weepies with the Wife (and probably cried more than Her) but generally I was not happy . Then came my Illness and She was unleashed onto the world .I am now blossoming and suddenly life is wonderful for the first time . I have had a very Easy trouble free transition with almost universal acceptance from Family ,Friends ,Work colleagues ,And even from a church .Now Toni is alive and thriving  I now feel Right and can start living

I am also a late realizer. I never wore a princess dress and didn't play with dolls very often. I was pretty nerdy and socially awkward. I was pretty quiet, shy, and read a lot. During some of my childhood I had some effeminate mannerisms and tastes, but I quickly learned that this was not acceptable to my peers. I didn't realize I was trans, but I knew I didn't really fit in with the other guys, and I always felt happier and safer around females. It seemed like others instinctively understood that I was not really  "one of the guys" too and faced some. bullying for it. I remember having a vague feeling that I would somehow be happier if I were a female, but I didn't think there was anything I could do about it, and the word "transsexual/transgender" only made me think of the most unflattering depictions of us in the media. I also remember being very upset about getting facial and body hair during puberty and wanting it to just disappear. When I got to college, I would occasionally shave off my body hair and wear women's underwear. The feelings came back again, but I didn't fully understand it, and just kind of put the feelings away until July 2013, when I actually said I would be happier if I were woman to a group of girl friends while pretty drunk. I knew that I would be happier living as a woman at this point, but I didn't really know what to do about it. I put the feelings away again until the fall of 2014, meanwhile I was almost constantly depressed. In the fall of 2014, I kind of broke down and went out and purchased women's clothing and beauty items. I felt kind of weird doing it, but it felt necessary, and something inside of me kept pushing me along, no matter how awkward it seemed. When I finally looked looked at myself in the mirror wearing women's clothing, something finally clicked, and started to feel a little bit of inner peace for the first time in a really, really long time. The first time I told anyone I was trans was November 1, 2014, when I  contacted the local PFLAG group. I was in therapy by December, began electro at the beginning of March ,and I hope to begin HRT this summer.

Quote"I can't say that I was ever aware of a "hidden girl," but I was always aware that I wasn't like the other boys.  It was more like I was the wrong species, or had the wrong smell, or something.  Even if I wanted to imagine that I had things in common with them, the other boys and the adults in my life made sure I knew that there was something wrong with me, though they could never explain what exactly.  I was often called a sissy or queer, neither of which made sense to me.  I did know they were intended to hurt and ostracize me, though."

I totally get this, especially the wrong species thing. That pretty much sums up my experiences in school, although I got less crap from adults than my peers. I mostly dealt with it by being a class clown. College was a huge relief from the bullying,even though I wish I understood the whole trans thing a lot earlier.

For me personaly.. I have always sorta explored sexuality, been very flexible. I actually found out about my gender as soon as I was introduced to the concept, I was so busy with sexual orientation that I hadn't even thought of gender.
Looking back, a lot things make sense. Like I'd always use androgynous and feminine nicknames, always say I'm a girl although I did not identify as one, I've never been too much into feminine stuff, I still am not. I used to think I was gender queer, because I was a bit in denial about being transsexual, probably because transitioning fully would require having to go through a lot and having to explain why I've changed sex and such for so many people.

My hidden girl didnt blossom until age 27. I thought I was just a young man who cross dressed occasionally until then. My mind had a paradigm shift. Honestly and truthfully the little girl awoke in me then. I am 43 now.

Wow,

Thanks for all the responses. This has been a pretty great thread and sharing of experiences.

I am still trying to find the girl. I think she is hidden but maybe not as deeply as I thought. I just found evidence of these questioning thoughts from 3 different times over the last 25 years. My therapist suggested I have been working through this for a long time.

If I find her, hiding, I hope to embrace, reassure and apologize to her. I want her to take over more of my life.

Thanks again,

Joanna

Quote from: Jen72 on May 15, 2015, 12:40:03 AM
Late realizer for sure never had much of a clue growing up save a few instances to present day. When I was in early grade school I was picked on never sure why maybe just the little kid that didn't fight back. Due to bullying I did find real fear of not showing my emotions for fear of being beaten up. Then around the age of 13 I had a realization of I could be happy only if I grew big and strong to avoid being bullied. Well that worked kind of but my other choice was to think if I stay a runt and oddly looking at my skinny legs I thought hmm they look like girl legs. 

I can totally relate to that.  Up until late in the ninth grade, I was four foot ten, and all of ninety pounds.  Part of me wanted to be big and tough enough not to be bullied, and part of me wanted to be the little surfer girl in the Beach Boys song.