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Title: Hello
Post by: transparentgingersnap on May 13, 2015, 11:05:10 PM
Post by: transparentgingersnap on May 13, 2015, 11:05:10 PM
Hello, I'm 17 and I've been binge-researching transgender information since late november, but I've never questioned my gender before that. I'm afab, and I consider myself an androgyne. The thing is, through all my searching, I have not seen stories that reflect me, and I'm not sure what to make of it.
First, background. I was extremely feminine as a little kid, and in 8th grade is when I just stopped trying so hard to fit in- I had been awkward, I moved to a new school in the middle of 7th grade, and people actually liked me but I was so afraid to say anything out of the ordinary. It was awful. Anyway, by 9th grade I worked out that I was bisexual and simultaneously started expressing myself with far less restriction. I was androgynous, but I never thought of that as my gender, just something I liked.
With that said, when I was 12ish, I remember seeing this one documentary thing about opera singers being castrated to keep their voices high. I remember searching if I could just have my genitals removed, and obviously the only thing remotely close is extremely illegal. I wasn't heartbroken, just a bit disappointed. I don't really care anymore. But back then, I still didn't want to hit puberty- I thought developing sexually would take my mind away, in a sense, that I would be less of a person. I read something of a lady who was anorexic for so long that even though she is recovered now, she never hit puberty and so for a while I had planned to starve myself for that purpose. However, my routine at that point was coming home from school to eat chips in front of the computer. I think I managed 3 days at 500 calories, and on and off efforts since then- clearly I did not sidestep puberty.
I know of only one consistent thing that I'm dysphoric about, and that would be "my" uterus. I hate it. The concept of pregnancy makes me want to scrape my skin off and I hate people talking about me as if I could do that. No. I'm going to be 100% honest, if I even got pregnant and couldn't get an abortion, I'd kill myself, no questions asked. My body would stop being mine. It's not about kids- they're cute and I don't want to adopt because I want a career, and when I get depressed even people become obligations and I don't want to put them in that position. I may change my mind about adoption, but that will NOT change how I feel about my body. Pregnancy is SIMPLY NOT SOMETHING I DO.
There are on and off/ small things, such as my chest. I am a C cup, but I don't hate them... honestly I think if they were A cups, that would be best, so I could bind if I needed, but not freak out over a flat chest if I felt otherwise (it's on and off). I wish I was more angular, especially that I had wider shoulders, but over the last 3 years I've lost about 20 pounds (more if you account that I gained muscle) and that has helped immensely. Both of those things are aesthetic in my opinion, but still worth mentioning.
I've never mentioned the majority of this to anyone. Should I look differently at myself?
First, background. I was extremely feminine as a little kid, and in 8th grade is when I just stopped trying so hard to fit in- I had been awkward, I moved to a new school in the middle of 7th grade, and people actually liked me but I was so afraid to say anything out of the ordinary. It was awful. Anyway, by 9th grade I worked out that I was bisexual and simultaneously started expressing myself with far less restriction. I was androgynous, but I never thought of that as my gender, just something I liked.
With that said, when I was 12ish, I remember seeing this one documentary thing about opera singers being castrated to keep their voices high. I remember searching if I could just have my genitals removed, and obviously the only thing remotely close is extremely illegal. I wasn't heartbroken, just a bit disappointed. I don't really care anymore. But back then, I still didn't want to hit puberty- I thought developing sexually would take my mind away, in a sense, that I would be less of a person. I read something of a lady who was anorexic for so long that even though she is recovered now, she never hit puberty and so for a while I had planned to starve myself for that purpose. However, my routine at that point was coming home from school to eat chips in front of the computer. I think I managed 3 days at 500 calories, and on and off efforts since then- clearly I did not sidestep puberty.
I know of only one consistent thing that I'm dysphoric about, and that would be "my" uterus. I hate it. The concept of pregnancy makes me want to scrape my skin off and I hate people talking about me as if I could do that. No. I'm going to be 100% honest, if I even got pregnant and couldn't get an abortion, I'd kill myself, no questions asked. My body would stop being mine. It's not about kids- they're cute and I don't want to adopt because I want a career, and when I get depressed even people become obligations and I don't want to put them in that position. I may change my mind about adoption, but that will NOT change how I feel about my body. Pregnancy is SIMPLY NOT SOMETHING I DO.
There are on and off/ small things, such as my chest. I am a C cup, but I don't hate them... honestly I think if they were A cups, that would be best, so I could bind if I needed, but not freak out over a flat chest if I felt otherwise (it's on and off). I wish I was more angular, especially that I had wider shoulders, but over the last 3 years I've lost about 20 pounds (more if you account that I gained muscle) and that has helped immensely. Both of those things are aesthetic in my opinion, but still worth mentioning.
I've never mentioned the majority of this to anyone. Should I look differently at myself?
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: katrinaw on May 13, 2015, 11:08:22 PM
Post by: katrinaw on May 13, 2015, 11:08:22 PM
Welcome Transparentgingersnap to Susan's, good to have you join us
Please review the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...
That's quite an Intro, you are certainly not alone here. Please look around the site, certainly lots of good folks here and sure you'll find all the info you may need and support or help/tips etc. on your journey...
I look forward to seeing you about the forums...
L Katy
Please review the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
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- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
That's quite an Intro, you are certainly not alone here. Please look around the site, certainly lots of good folks here and sure you'll find all the info you may need and support or help/tips etc. on your journey...
I look forward to seeing you about the forums...
L Katy
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Mariah on May 13, 2015, 11:09:12 PM
Post by: Mariah on May 13, 2015, 11:09:12 PM
Hi Transparentgingersnap, welcome to Susan's. Only you can determine how you look at yourself, but regardless with the feelings you have a therapist would be helpful. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
Mariah
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: brambleclaw on May 13, 2015, 11:14:51 PM
Post by: brambleclaw on May 13, 2015, 11:14:51 PM
Hey, nice to meet you! I hope to see you around!
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: transparentgingersnap on May 13, 2015, 11:22:28 PM
Post by: transparentgingersnap on May 13, 2015, 11:22:28 PM
Thanks. I plan on seeing a therapist after high school, because I think mentioning it now would be unnecessary drama. My mother said to me (after I said something about the random face hairs wouldn't be so bad if it was legitimate, not sporadic) she said either go all out chaz bono or don't, not some weird in-between thing. I had to work that conversation backwards because I don't want to address it, it's my business really. I really would rather wait, I just thought I'd come here for advice in the meantime.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: V M on May 14, 2015, 04:09:13 AM
Post by: V M on May 14, 2015, 04:09:13 AM
Hi transparentgingersnap :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: SmartAlex on May 14, 2015, 05:40:25 AM
Post by: SmartAlex on May 14, 2015, 05:40:25 AM
Hello !
Welcome here :)
You should go to the wiki (if it's not done yet), and learn about androginous or demiboy, maybe you'll fine something that correspond to yourself and find answers.
Change the look you have on yourself, if you think it's necessary if you already feel good, then no need to change !
Also, don't listen to people who wants to make have babies ! Yes you have an utérus, but you're not obligated to use it ;)
Welcome here :)
You should go to the wiki (if it's not done yet), and learn about androginous or demiboy, maybe you'll fine something that correspond to yourself and find answers.
Change the look you have on yourself, if you think it's necessary if you already feel good, then no need to change !
Also, don't listen to people who wants to make have babies ! Yes you have an utérus, but you're not obligated to use it ;)
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: gennee on May 14, 2015, 12:23:45 PM
Post by: gennee on May 14, 2015, 12:23:45 PM
Hello and welcome to Susan's.
:)
:)