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Title: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: Adrexolai on May 16, 2015, 01:02:56 AM
Post by: Adrexolai on May 16, 2015, 01:02:56 AM
I posted in the FtM forum way earlier because I google searched FtM forum groups and this was one of the top places, so this is kind of.. my secondish introduction. xD;
I'm 24, and I've always had a big problem with being female since as long as I could remember - felt a crazy dread whenever I'd have to play the girl role in anything "pretend" when I was little, used to try and force myself to wear pink all throughout middle school to be "normal", always felt nauseous whenever I had to get dressed every day, and then became a habitual liar where I'd pretend to be different male alter-egos online and tell stories about them at school until I was a sophomore, when I started realizing this was weird. I finally understood what it was, when I met another FtM person in 2009, and since then, I've been trying to settle with it, and figure out what to do. I'm really scared of change, and am over-aware of the gaze of others, so just going outside I feel really violated ( this is an understatement ) by anyone who sees me, because they immediately see me as female. To me, it's like being looked at without my clothes on against my will. So I haven't been out of the house in about 6 years. I'm joining this site in hopes I can make friends and find a safe place where I can learn more about transitioning, be less terrified and anxious, and gather knowledge of what to expect and look for. I don't know anyone who's actually been through the transition, so I'm sort of floating out here in 'Know Nothing Landia', which is daunting.
I'm way lucky in that I have amazing parents who have not only let me live with them rent-free and happily, but have also accepted me and are even prepared to help. In all honesty, I'd probably be dead long ago if it weren't for them, heh. I'm one of the few who can say that, so I'm not taking it for granted.
However, because of my dysphoria-induced-agoraphobia, I'm technically unemployed, though I do sell art commissions and have managed to pay bills with it before. I don't have health insurance though, so all of this stuff I need to do, I more than likely need to save to pay out of pocket.
Other than all this.. I want to sort of slip myself into this community. You guys seem close and friendly and I've been wanting to find somewhere like this for a long time. I've just been too terrified to really take the first step. I still am, but after a bit of a push earlier in the day, I decided to go for it.
Er, TL;DR - I am a timid dude shut-in who needs some help and friends, please love me xD;
Also I'll probably edit this like nine thousand times because I'm nervous and nitpicky. I've already rewritten it twice..
Edit: Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm an enormously nerdy gamer.. I play Guild Wars 2 and ( heavily modded ) Skyrim like it's my religion ( those are my favorites ), and I hope to be a character artist someday. Dunno if this is anything relevant but uh.. +dons the nerd king crown+ It is a part of myself.
If you ask me to talk about Guild Wars 2, I will throw walls of text relentlessly until I'm told to stop, I just can't help myself.
Was also a major marching band nerd as well. A proud former drum major, I am.
I'm 24, and I've always had a big problem with being female since as long as I could remember - felt a crazy dread whenever I'd have to play the girl role in anything "pretend" when I was little, used to try and force myself to wear pink all throughout middle school to be "normal", always felt nauseous whenever I had to get dressed every day, and then became a habitual liar where I'd pretend to be different male alter-egos online and tell stories about them at school until I was a sophomore, when I started realizing this was weird. I finally understood what it was, when I met another FtM person in 2009, and since then, I've been trying to settle with it, and figure out what to do. I'm really scared of change, and am over-aware of the gaze of others, so just going outside I feel really violated ( this is an understatement ) by anyone who sees me, because they immediately see me as female. To me, it's like being looked at without my clothes on against my will. So I haven't been out of the house in about 6 years. I'm joining this site in hopes I can make friends and find a safe place where I can learn more about transitioning, be less terrified and anxious, and gather knowledge of what to expect and look for. I don't know anyone who's actually been through the transition, so I'm sort of floating out here in 'Know Nothing Landia', which is daunting.
I'm way lucky in that I have amazing parents who have not only let me live with them rent-free and happily, but have also accepted me and are even prepared to help. In all honesty, I'd probably be dead long ago if it weren't for them, heh. I'm one of the few who can say that, so I'm not taking it for granted.
However, because of my dysphoria-induced-agoraphobia, I'm technically unemployed, though I do sell art commissions and have managed to pay bills with it before. I don't have health insurance though, so all of this stuff I need to do, I more than likely need to save to pay out of pocket.
Other than all this.. I want to sort of slip myself into this community. You guys seem close and friendly and I've been wanting to find somewhere like this for a long time. I've just been too terrified to really take the first step. I still am, but after a bit of a push earlier in the day, I decided to go for it.
Er, TL;DR - I am a timid dude shut-in who needs some help and friends, please love me xD;
Also I'll probably edit this like nine thousand times because I'm nervous and nitpicky. I've already rewritten it twice..
Edit: Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm an enormously nerdy gamer.. I play Guild Wars 2 and ( heavily modded ) Skyrim like it's my religion ( those are my favorites ), and I hope to be a character artist someday. Dunno if this is anything relevant but uh.. +dons the nerd king crown+ It is a part of myself.
If you ask me to talk about Guild Wars 2, I will throw walls of text relentlessly until I'm told to stop, I just can't help myself.
Was also a major marching band nerd as well. A proud former drum major, I am.
Title: Re: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: katrinaw on May 16, 2015, 01:11:28 AM
Post by: katrinaw on May 16, 2015, 01:11:28 AM
Hi Andrexolai,
Welcome to Susan's
Please review the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...
Good intro...
You're blessed with good support from your family....
And yes we are friendly, supportive and there for you at all times xx
L Katy :-*
Welcome to Susan's
Please review the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Good intro...
You're blessed with good support from your family....
And yes we are friendly, supportive and there for you at all times xx
L Katy :-*
Title: Re: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: Aemin on May 16, 2015, 01:18:28 AM
Post by: Aemin on May 16, 2015, 01:18:28 AM
Welcome, Adrexolai.
Title: Re: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: Adrexolai on May 16, 2015, 01:25:56 AM
Post by: Adrexolai on May 16, 2015, 01:25:56 AM
katrinaw: Indeed I am, I'm very lucky - hit the jackpot when it came to parents xD
Thank you also, I hope to get to know you all and ease the anxiety of getting this all started
( I also read the rules at least three times, but I'm still afraid I might screw up because that's just my nature.. to worry about everything lol )
Aemin: Thank you
Thank you also, I hope to get to know you all and ease the anxiety of getting this all started
( I also read the rules at least three times, but I'm still afraid I might screw up because that's just my nature.. to worry about everything lol )
Aemin: Thank you
Title: Re: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: katrinaw on May 16, 2015, 01:48:42 AM
Post by: katrinaw on May 16, 2015, 01:48:42 AM
Oops, bet one previous post was mine then????
Apologies... (but hey nothing like a gentle reminder :laugh:)
Sorry
L Katy :-*
Apologies... (but hey nothing like a gentle reminder :laugh:)
Sorry
L Katy :-*
Title: Re: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: Adrexolai on May 16, 2015, 01:51:52 AM
Post by: Adrexolai on May 16, 2015, 01:51:52 AM
Quote from: katrinaw on May 16, 2015, 01:48:42 AM
Oops, bet one previous post was mine then????
Apologies... (but hey nothing like a gentle reminder :laugh:)
Sorry
L Katy :-*
Oh you're fine, it was another person who reminded me in my first thread - but even if nobody reminded me, I tend to read rules and ToS stuff pretty hard in case I miss something. I'm skittish all the time, so I don't want to mess up xD
Title: Re: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: Rachel on May 16, 2015, 05:49:14 AM
Post by: Rachel on May 16, 2015, 05:49:14 AM
Welcome to Susan's.
Title: Re: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: BlaineGame on May 16, 2015, 06:41:35 AM
Post by: BlaineGame on May 16, 2015, 06:41:35 AM
Hey man!
You are lucky about your parents. My parents are letting me live with them rent free as well though they don't exactly know about the trans thing...I had a period in September where I first realized I was trans. Then a four month break came in where I didn't mind being female again. But I'm back to wanting to be male. It's worse this time around because my parents were happy that i was dressing up like a girl again...I hate to disappoint them, ya know?
But hey, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here :D
Welcome to Susan's
You are lucky about your parents. My parents are letting me live with them rent free as well though they don't exactly know about the trans thing...I had a period in September where I first realized I was trans. Then a four month break came in where I didn't mind being female again. But I'm back to wanting to be male. It's worse this time around because my parents were happy that i was dressing up like a girl again...I hate to disappoint them, ya know?
But hey, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here :D
Welcome to Susan's
Title: Re: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: Mariah on May 16, 2015, 06:46:22 AM
Post by: Mariah on May 16, 2015, 06:46:22 AM
Hi Adrexolai, welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and hugs
Mariah
Mariah
Title: Re: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: catandry on May 16, 2015, 06:53:43 AM
Post by: catandry on May 16, 2015, 06:53:43 AM
i too did the whole online thing for my male personas. it was more comfortable for me to do it that way than to try in real life. having recently come out as bigender in my mid 30's is tough. i've always known this feeling has been with me just as you have i just never knew what it was. im identifying as bigender because im not ready to say it's more than that yet, i'm not really sure if it is. i know i have been identifying male for over a month now and always prefer how i feel when i'm male. but good for you for knowing who you are. that is a step in the right direction. if you need anyone to talk to please chat me up. im pretty friendly and a good listener. :)
Title: Re: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: gennee on May 16, 2015, 10:01:57 AM
Post by: gennee on May 16, 2015, 10:01:57 AM
Welcome to Susan's, Adrexolai.
:)
:)
Title: Re: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: V M on May 16, 2015, 12:30:46 PM
Post by: V M on May 16, 2015, 12:30:46 PM
Hi Adrexolai :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: FtM who needs a lot of guidance here
Post by: Adrexolai on May 16, 2015, 02:17:43 PM
Post by: Adrexolai on May 16, 2015, 02:17:43 PM
Cynthia Michelle: Thank you
BlaineGame: I always feel a bit guilty as well, though that's my own doing - like about how they didn't expect this to happen when they had me, and how they would always say "we always wanted a blonde haired, blue eyed girl" but now I've changed into a brown-haired, gray-eyed dude. xD; I also always feel guilty about how much this is going to cost. But, my.. I guess guilt complex, is my own thing. I feel guilty about anyone doing anything related to me anyway lol
Been dealing with all that on my own, a bit successfully though.
I told them about a year after I first figured it out, on a spur of the moment thing, so they've had time to get used to it. My mom has really jumped into learning about it and trying to understand how it feels and what to do.
Unfortunately, I've only felt alright dressing like a girl if I was "sticking it to the man" a bit. xD Stubborn nature, lol. Almost got me kicked out of my highschool graduation, where you were forced to wear dresses, I kind of went in a ridiculous way haha >__>
Otherwise dresses/skirts are a nope.
Mariah2014: Thanks, again xD ( Also welcomed me in my other thread )
catandry: Thank you - I've met a lot of people who have done the whole online thing, I used to be pretty stressed about that. Like, since I lied almost all the time in the past, maybe people wouldn't trust me for the rest of my life, but thankfully that stuff pretty much wears away after apologizing to everyone I lied to. I'm quite proud of myself for stopping all that business overnight cold turkey and getting the guts to own up to it; hopefully my guts are still in tact when I face the professionals xD
gennee: Thank you ^^
V M: Thanks!
I look forward to talking to you all, thanks for welcoming me ^^
BlaineGame: I always feel a bit guilty as well, though that's my own doing - like about how they didn't expect this to happen when they had me, and how they would always say "we always wanted a blonde haired, blue eyed girl" but now I've changed into a brown-haired, gray-eyed dude. xD; I also always feel guilty about how much this is going to cost. But, my.. I guess guilt complex, is my own thing. I feel guilty about anyone doing anything related to me anyway lol
Been dealing with all that on my own, a bit successfully though.
I told them about a year after I first figured it out, on a spur of the moment thing, so they've had time to get used to it. My mom has really jumped into learning about it and trying to understand how it feels and what to do.
Unfortunately, I've only felt alright dressing like a girl if I was "sticking it to the man" a bit. xD Stubborn nature, lol. Almost got me kicked out of my highschool graduation, where you were forced to wear dresses, I kind of went in a ridiculous way haha >__>
Otherwise dresses/skirts are a nope.
Mariah2014: Thanks, again xD ( Also welcomed me in my other thread )
catandry: Thank you - I've met a lot of people who have done the whole online thing, I used to be pretty stressed about that. Like, since I lied almost all the time in the past, maybe people wouldn't trust me for the rest of my life, but thankfully that stuff pretty much wears away after apologizing to everyone I lied to. I'm quite proud of myself for stopping all that business overnight cold turkey and getting the guts to own up to it; hopefully my guts are still in tact when I face the professionals xD
gennee: Thank you ^^
V M: Thanks!
I look forward to talking to you all, thanks for welcoming me ^^