Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Err, ello there everyone, name is Nicky and this is kinda both a introduction and my first official coming out.  So I really don't know where to start with all of this >.<!  I know this is probably standard measure for many people who start out like this, but I just have so many questions and uncertainties.  I'll try to keep it short.  So, as a child I def had splashes of being a typical boy and dipping into more feminine side of things, where I knew I liked different things than other boys/girls.  Now, this really didn't transfer into knowing I was different, nor that I felt wrong, which didn't really occur to an extreme degree (though kinda cropped up in middle school).  At a young age I'd pretend to be my favorite female characters from TV shows (most notably and often I pretended to be Calisto from Xena:Warrior Princess).  I made out with a few boys when I was younger, which was mostly play stuff but I liked it, which set the pieces to my much later coming out as Gay.  I also had a habit of occasionally wearing my sister's bras that she'd leave in the bathroom (so embarrassing!) which def felt comfortable and "right".

During High School I came out as Bisexual to my close friends but straight to the rest of the world and even had internal fights about who I am.  I naturally felt confused, excited and to a degree afraid/disgusted of what  I was doing/thinking.  A bit TMI, but I'd constantly search for gay porn and was way more turned on to the thought of having sex with a guy VS a female, though I had a few fling relationships which I genuinely had some affection for and enjoyed the intimacy (which I never really had before) though ultimately I broke up with them because it wasn't who I was.  It wasn't till a few years after High School that I came out as a Gay and had my first relationship with a guy.  I quickly came to realize over the years that  I was a natural bottom/submissive and enjoyed taking the more feminine roles and such.  Well skipping ahead up to now, I randomly looked up Transgendered videos and information about the process associated with transitioning and I suddenly had a light bulb start to flicker and shine.

I don't think I was ever meant to be a boy, nor do I think I was to be a girl either.  I dunno if this falls under the category or being Genderqueer/confused or what ( I kinda hate labels personally) and for a long time I've wanted to be far more feminine than I am as is.  So with that, I'm coming to terms with myself and my "female side" of my body/personality and I think that I would be far happier transitioning enough to where I strike that balance with myself.  I just have too many eternal questions and that feeling of standing at the edge of an abyss and getting ready to take the plunge.

Hi Nicky, Welcome to Susan's

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You certainly are not alone, some find their real Gender ID early, others later. Are you seeing a gender therapist yet? might help you...

Feel free to look around, ask questions, engage with all of us, we have all similar life stories... the information, guidance and friendships here will help you, and provide support to you as you move forward.

Look forward to seeing you around the forums...

L Katy  :-*

Quote from: katrinaw on May 17, 2015, 07:02:07 AM
Hi Nicky, Welcome to Susan's



You certainly are not alone, some find their real Gender ID early, others later. Are you seeing a gender therapist yet? might help you...

Feel free to look around, ask questions, engage with all of us, we have all similar life stories... the information, guidance and friendships here will help you, and provide support to you as you move forward.

Look forward to seeing you around the forums...

L Katy  :-*

Thank you for the welcome Katy!  I am currently not seeing anyone yet, but I do feel I will want and need to (depending on what my Doctor says after I drop the bomb xP).  I honestly kinda put most of these scattered pieces together a few days ago and I've kinda been obsessing about it.  I especially keep reflecting back on my growing up and holy crap, do things seem to make FAR more sense now than ever >.<! 

Hiya Nicky

Welcome!  That was a pretty good coming out post, and a story that at least some of us (ahem!) can very much identify with!

Argh - the gender confusion!  Wouldn't it have been nice if someone had been able to understand our minds when we were young and say "You're here - see - X marks the spot, and it's all ok.  You can be like this and there are other people who feel the same way.  You're normal, so relax and just be you." 

Take your time and explore - there's no rush.  If you do tell your doctor you might be transgender then almost certainly some therapy will be required.  But it's a good thing, not in a Woody Allen sense, but in a sense of learning who you are.  It's astonishing how much exploring you can do from a therapist's armchair, as long as you're willing to open yourself up and make an effort to understand who you really are.

As for where you go from here, you will come to know this in time.  We are lucky that, in many countries, there is no longer such a rigidity of gender, roles, and orientation.  Exploit that and find an equilibrium that makes sense for you.

Hugs
Julia

Hi Nicky, welcome to Susans. Thank you for sharing your journey so far. your among friends now. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Hey Julia and Mariah!!  It's so nice to finally get some of this off my (currently non existent) chest, especially not realizing how much weight I've had throughout all these years.  Just feel like I've started a chain-reaction that'll put me back into re-entering the world of discovery >.<! Yeah, I feel a bit confused as to how to announce myself to others, especially those that aren't close/know me. 

Hoping that beyond hope that the end of this weekend I'll be able to get a hold of my Doctor (long story short, I was without medical insurance because my job stopped providing it due to the new Healthcare system.  So I haven't seen my Doctor in a year or so because of it and hoping she'll still accept me as a patient and can get back to the way it use to be).

Welcome to Susan's. I hope to see you around the site

Hi Nicky  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hello and welcome to Susan's, Nicky. We are all on a journey that will take us to the place we are to be. Enjoy the trip and learn all you can. A very good introduction I must say.

Hi Nicky and welcome to Susan's Place. I totally understand where you are coming from and appreciate your candor. As many have said before me just take it slowly and eventually it will all work out. This is a great site to ask questions and to get some very responsible answers. I too am new to the site and spend a lot of time listening to what others have to say. I have to say that I am impressed with the wealth of knowledge I see presented here. I wish you luck with your quest and hope you find what you need. Research is the key to understanding and will help you to make informed decisions. Again, welcome and I wish you happiness along your journey.  :angel:

Kindest regards!

KellyTG

*gives hugs to new responses*  Hi everyone, thank you for wishing me the best ^u^!  It's the little things that can go the extra mile to change a moment from bad to good and then some!  I've been a bit more preoccupied, so my ADD obsession has dwindled down a bit.  However, I am starting to get a bit nervous when it comes time to come out (this'll be my second coming, my first was when  I came out Gay) which is looming closer and closer.  I think coming out Transgender is a bit more tricky as people see you as someone different when you identify as a different gender VS your sexual preference.  My biggest hurdle will be my Bestfriend as we've known each other since third grade and we've been pretty much Brothers and it's been our thing to call each other "Bro".  He hasn't changed our relationship when I came out Gay, but it's gonna be a trickier when I say I identify more Feminine. :X!

I think the full reality of all of this hasn't fully sunken in yet and it's a bit daunting now that i think about it >3<!

Hi Nicky,

It is daunting and for some friends confusing. I also tried being Gay, very unsuccessfully! I wasn't, for me I'm a woman and life got a lot clearer when I found that out. But we are all different and it can take quite a while to be in the comfy with yourself place.

I will say as an older woman, that I was stunned in how accepting people can be. Most people I meet just say be yourself and be happy. The world is changing. Acceptance is becoming the normal response. At least in most places.

Cindy

Hi Nicky

I agree with Cindy people are a lot more accepting nowadays I started transitioning only a few months ago and I was amazed at how easily it went .I have had almost universal acceptance and Absolutely no opposition or hostility when I came out to family ,friends and Work colleagues. In fact in a lot of cases it was "what took you so long" type comments LOL.If you just be true to Yourself and show people your real inner personality people will just react to who you are. And if you are anything like I was the new Me was more open friendlier and relaxed and almost everybody prefers the new female Me as they find Me easier to talk to and approach instead of always trying to hide my true nature

Quote from: ToniB on May 21, 2015, 07:54:02 AM
Hi Nicky

I agree with Cindy people are a lot more accepting nowadays I started transitioning only a few months ago and I was amazed at how easily it went .I have had almost universal acceptance and Absolutely no opposition or hostility when I came out to family ,friends and Work colleagues. In fact in a lot of cases it was "what took you so long" type comments LOL.If you just be true to Yourself and show people your real inner personality people will just react to who you are. And if you are anything like I was the new Me was more open friendlier and relaxed and almost everybody prefers the new female Me as they find Me easier to talk to and approach instead of always trying to hide my true nature

So true Toni, I get the 'you are so happy now' comment a lot. Goddess I must have been one miserable bugga! I got a nice comment from an ex-employee, 'the pain behind your eyes has gone'. I never knew it was so obvious.

Quote from: ToniB on May 21, 2015, 07:54:02 AM
Hi Nicky

I agree with Cindy people are a lot more accepting nowadays I started transitioning only a few months ago and I was amazed at how easily it went .I have had almost universal acceptance and Absolutely no opposition or hostility when I came out to family ,friends and Work colleagues. In fact in a lot of cases it was "what took you so long" type comments LOL.If you just be true to Yourself and show people your real inner personality people will just react to who you are. And if you are anything like I was the new Me was more open friendlier and relaxed and almost everybody prefers the new female Me as they find Me easier to talk to and approach instead of always trying to hide my true nature

Hey Toni!  Thanks for the warm welcoming and your own experiences!  It means a ton and puts a bigger picture into perspective.  I kinda pay attention to people more closely now and wonder if they're kinda unsure how to interpret or consider me.  I'm still kinda "manly" with my shoulders, arms and legs (both are a bit muscular >3<).  Though my voice is def not typical male, I dunno if it teeters on typical "gay" or just sounds a bit feminine ( I'm horrible on judging my own voice xD).  So I know that I def seem "odd" to people who don't know me well enough.

the other day I had my first bout of depression and questioning myself, though i'm better now.  It's just the longer it takes me to get this on track, the more agonizing it feels >.<! I tried to work myself up to coming out to my best friend but I just completely choked   ???