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I don't know how to tell my girl that I find it weird that some her exes still want to be apart of( Monkeys life, her daughter)like I understand the biological father being apart of her life but not her exes they didn't help her create the baby. Its like I am her boyfriend so its weird to have another dude who's not her bio father still wanting to be apart of her life. I already said I would step up to responsibility to help take care of her because I think I should as her bf and she already knows that but the other part I don't know how to say it, I feel bad because her daughter is only 4 and whines for me and her exes.

I don't know...it is weird, and yet it isn't too. Like on one hand, I wouldn't like other guys hanging around my girl and the daughter, vying for their attention lol. But at the same time, if the little girl is cute and sweet...and is happy to see them...I can see why they would want to stick around. Who doesn't love a little girl getting a huge smile on her face when they see you?

Quote from: Adam (birkin) on May 22, 2015, 05:31:23 PM
I don't know...it is weird, and yet it isn't too. Like on one hand, I wouldn't like other guys hanging around my girl and the daughter, vying for their attention lol. But at the same time, if the little girl is cute and sweet...and is happy to see them...I can see why they would want to stick around. Who doesn't love a little girl getting a huge smile on her face when they see you?

Yea.... but, I wanna be a father figure in her life and I don't want another dude who's not even her bio dad to try an stay in her life, that's weird to me.

It does seem odd. If it's every couple of months it would be OK I guess but if it was every week or two then that's weird. Knowing some guys it's just and excuse to hang around the ex

It is strange and if I was a child's father figure, I wouldn't allow it. Unfortunately you're probably not in a position to tell your girlfriend who her daughter should and shouldn't see, you've only been dating for how long?

Like Ms. Grace said, the guys are probably using the daughter as an excuse to keep seeing her mother, their ex. Maybe they're trying to prove to their ex that they're nice guys and worth taking back by pretending to still care about her daughter. Either that or it's their ex who's using her daughter as an excuse to keep old boyfriends in her life. I don't know her or the situation so the best advice I can give is to talk to her about it and tell her your concerns.

I'm of the opinion that unless you know you're in a relationship for the long run and it's starting to get serious you should stay out of the child or children's life/lives. Constantly having a revolving door of wannabe "father figures" isn't going to give a child the stability they need not to mention it opens the door for other possible problems like abuse.

I think it depends on the level of bond between the ex and the child.  I also think it depends on how long the child was in the ex's life.

For example, if the ex was in the little girl's life for the last 2 years and he and your GF only broke up two months ago, it makes sense that there will still be some connection for a period of time.

Shifting a parental figure away from a child should be a thought out process related to timing.  He should see the child less and less if he is trying to disengage from her.  And yes, he SHOULD disengage from her at some point.  It is your girlfriend's job to set those boundaries with her ex.

As an aside, it doesn't matter if the person was the bio father or not.  Our parents are the people who raise us and love us.

Quote from: Contravene on May 22, 2015, 06:43:15 PM
It is strange and if I was a child's father figure, I wouldn't allow it. Unfortunately you're probably not in a position to tell your girlfriend who her daughter should and shouldn't see, you've only been dating for how long?

Like Ms. Grace said, the guys are probably using the daughter as an excuse to keep seeing her mother, their ex. Maybe they're trying to prove to their ex that they're nice guys and worth taking back by pretending to still care about her daughter. Either that or it's their ex who's using her daughter as an excuse to keep old boyfriends in her life. I don't know her or the situation so the best advice I can give is to talk to her about it and tell her your concerns.

I'm of the opinion that unless you know you're in a relationship for the long run and it's starting to get serious you should stay out of the child or children's life/lives. Constantly having a revolving door of wannabe "father figures" isn't going to give a child the stability they need not to mention it opens the door for other possible problems like abuse.

I am im it for the long run, I take dating a woman with a child very serious. She's the best thing that has ever happend to me. I already told her I wanna be a father figure toward her daughter and she is ok with that. Its just your right about the first part but me and her have been together for a month.

I am more concerned about the girl friends age when you are only in high school.

Quote from: Alexthecat on May 23, 2015, 12:23:31 AM
I am more concerned about the girl friends age when you are only in high school.

Dude chill she's 19 and I am 18.

The other thing you might mention to your GF, Brandon, is that the older the daughter gets, the harder it will be to let go of those other guys...the more she will remember them.  She is only 4 years old.  I would get the ball rolling on her seeing him less and less now, rather than later.

Like I said, it isn't good to rip the kid away from the guy/guys, but a thought out plan of distancing the girl from them is a good idea.

Good luck.

Quote from: Bimmer Guy on May 23, 2015, 09:44:46 AM
The other thing you might mention to your GF, Brandon, is that the older the daughter gets, the harder it will be to let go of those other guys...the more she will remember them.  She is only 4 years old.  I would get the ball rolling on her seeing him less and less now, rather than later.

Like I said, it isn't good to rip the kid away from the guy/guys, but a thought out plan of distancing the girl from them is a good idea.

Good luck.

I agree, she said she's gonna explain it to her when she gets of age cuz she doesn't wanna break her heart like that.

One thing you have not mentioned is how your GF feels about the situation.

Quote from: Cindy on May 23, 2015, 10:01:18 AM
One thing you have not mentioned is how your GF feels about the situation.

Well I haven't told her how I feel yet, she feels bad because she wants her daughter to know that they are not coming back but because her daughter is only 4 she doesn't want to hurt her, know me and her have already talked about me being a father figure in her daughters life and she got so happy when I asked if I could.

You also have to remember that kids are expensive. Being the dad means less money for you. Future T, future surgeries end up on the back burner. It might not be possible for those things until 30+ because you are paying for someone else's kid.

Quote from: Alexthecat on May 24, 2015, 07:04:06 AM
You also have to remember that kids are expensive. Being the dad means less money for you. Future T, future surgeries end up on the back burner. It might not be possible for those things until 30+ because you are paying for someone else's kid.

Your point? I see her as my daughter too, she already has everything she wants and needs because my girl is doing a damn good job raising her, I can still transition dude. She has 2 jobs, I am working on a 2nd.

Quote from: Cindy on May 23, 2015, 10:01:18 AM
One thing you have not mentioned is how your GF feels about the situation.

Not your kid... Not your choice. I can totally see and understand your frustration. I'd feel the same way, but really the most you can do is tell her how you feel. She may have other reasons for letting them around.  She may not have even realized how weird it is for you.

Also... Not saying that you arent in it for the long haul together, but at this point its only been a month. How long were the other guys ever around?   

Put yourself in those other guys' shoes. It's very likely her exes were feeling just as dedicated to her and her child after seeing each other for a month or two and they may have thought they were in it for the long haul. If your relationship ends in a year or two (despite best intentions) will you want to walk away from her child forever?

You need to talk to your GF about what she thinks and wants. Don't rush into presenting yourself as a father figure for her kid. Let that bond build naturally over time as the child sees you really are there for years. Actions and presence count for more than words and intentions.

Good luck!

Quote from: GnomeKid on May 24, 2015, 04:21:24 PM
Not your kid... Not your choice. I can totally see and understand your frustration. I'd feel the same way, but really the most you can do is tell her how you feel. She may have other reasons for letting them around.  She may not have even realized how weird it is for you.

Also... Not saying that you arent in it for the long haul together, but at this point its only been a month. How long were the other guys ever around?

We are in it for the long run man, the last one was 3 momths, you don't get it though, her child is hurt becaue  he already walked out once,he's in highschool like me. And her daughter is already attached to me, she knows I am dating her mother and all of that.

Quote from: genderirrelevant on May 24, 2015, 04:41:42 PM
Put yourself in those other guys' shoes. It's very likely her exes were feeling just as dedicated to her and her child after seeing each other for a month or two and they may have thought they were in it for the long haul. If your relationship ends in a year or two (despite best intentions) will you want to walk away from her child forever?

You need to talk to your GF about what she thinks and wants. Don't rush into presenting yourself as a father figure for her kid. Let that bond build naturally over time as the child sees you really are there for years. Actions and presence count for more than words and intentions.

Good luck!

Dude the other guy was in highschool like I was and he already walked out once, I will not let that happend again because her child is hurt from the last time, I have no intentions on leaving. Besides her child is already starting to get attached to me.

I'm sure the other guys thought they were in it for the long run too though, that's why they let the daughter get attached to them just like she's getting attached to you. It's just going to keep breaking the little girl's heart and she's not going to understand why these father figures keep leaving her. That kind of stuff messes a kid up. That's why it's better not to get involved with a child until you're both serious about the relationship, and I'm talking thinking of marriage type of serious.

I have a friend who's a single parent with a young son. She's always dating new guys and bringing them around him. She actually dates most of them for several years at a time, not just several months, but her son has still developed trust issues and abandonment issues because of it. My advice to her, stop bringing random guys into his life. They weren't random to her but to her son they were. Not all children are going to develop issues like her son did but at the very least it's going to be heartbreaking for a child to get attached to someone only for that person to leave when the relationship with the mother doesn't work out.

There's nothing wrong with being there as a mentor or trusted adult if the child needs you but if you really want what's best for her you shouldn't jump right into the role of father figure just yet.

Quote from: Contravene on May 24, 2015, 06:10:09 PM
I'm sure the other guys thought they were in it for the long run too though, that's why they let the daughter get attached to them just like she's getting attached to you. It's just going to keep breaking the little girl's heart and she's not going to understand why these father figures keep leaving her. That kind of stuff messes a kid up. That's why it's better not to get involved with a child until you're both serious about the relationship, and I'm talking thinking of marriage type of serious.

I have a friend who's a single parent with a young son. She's always dating new guys and bringing them around him. She actually dates most of them for several years at a time, not just several months, but her son has still developed trust issues and abandonment issues because of it. My advice to her, stop bringing random guys into his life. They weren't random to her but to her son they were. Not all children are going to develop issues like her son did but at the very least it's going to be heartbreaking for a child to get attached to someone only for that person to leave when the relationship with the mother doesn't work out.

There's nothing wrong with being there as a mentor or trusted adult if the child needs you but if you really want what's best for her you shouldn't jump right into the role of father figure just yet.

Man this is how I am, I don't date people just to past time, If I date someone I am trying to build with them and possibly marry them. Thats just me, I am not a temororary person.

My opinion may not sit well with many, but if you are not a temporary person, and are truly in it for the long haul, then marry this girl now and move in with her to become a family.  If you want to be the father figure in this girl's life, then you lead by example and settle down with your girlfriend.  You go ahead and take on the title as the head of the household (which is something you already believe in), and you tell your wife that you don't want the exes other than her baby's father hanging around to see the girl.  If your girlfriend refuses to listen and will let whatever guy around her, well that's her choice, but that is a probably a bad sign, and you should consider finding another partner.  You need to be straight forward and talk to her about that now, because if she's not invested on giving the child just one stable father figure, then you should back out before the girl gets even more attached to you.  In my opinion, if you are not right to settle down *right now*, then it's probably too soon to be thinking about these things, and it would be wise to get yourself squared away beforehand. 

Quote from: King Malachite on May 24, 2015, 07:35:38 PM
My opinion may not sit well with many, but if you are not a temporary person, and are truly in it for the long haul, then marry this girl now and move in with her to become a family.  If you want to be the father figure in this girl's life, then you lead by example and settle down with your girlfriend.  You go ahead and take on the title as the head of the household (which is something you already believe in), and you tell your wife that you don't want the exes other than her baby's father hanging around to see the girl.  If your girlfriend refuses to listen and will let whatever guy around her, well that's her choice, but that is a probably a bad sign, and you should consider finding another partner.  You need to be straight forward and talk to her about that now, because if she's not invested on giving the child just one stable father figure, then you should back out before the girl gets even more attached to you.  In my opinion, if you are not right to settle down *right now*, then it's probably too soon to be thinking about these things, and it would be wise to get yourself squared away beforehand.

You have a point man.

Quote from: King Malachite on May 24, 2015, 07:35:38 PM
My opinion may not sit well with many, but if you are not a temporary person, and are truly in it for the long haul, then marry this girl now and move in with her to become a family.  If you want to be the father figure in this girl's life, then you lead by example and settle down with your girlfriend.  You go ahead and take on the title as the head of the household (which is something you already believe in), and you tell your wife that you don't want the exes other than her baby's father hanging around to see the girl.  If your girlfriend refuses to listen and will let whatever guy around her, well that's her choice, but that is a probably a bad sign, and you should consider finding another partner.  You need to be straight forward and talk to her about that now, because if she's not invested on giving the child just one stable father figure, then you should back out before the girl gets even more attached to you.  In my opinion, if you are not right to settle down *right now*, then it's probably too soon to be thinking about these things, and it would be wise to get yourself squared away beforehand.

Malachite, you did read he has only been dating the girl for a month, right?

Quote from: Bimmer Guy on May 26, 2015, 06:57:13 AM
Malachite, you did read rhe has only been dating the girl for a month, right?

True but I am going long term not short term, I am not with that, like I said If I am dating you I am trying to build and possibly marry you, thats just it.

Quote from: Bimmer Guy on May 26, 2015, 06:57:13 AM
Malachite, you did read he has only been dating the girl for a month, right?

I thought he was trying to make a point unless I misinterpreted it.

Quote from: Bimmer Guy on May 26, 2015, 06:57:13 AM
Malachite, you did read he has only been dating the girl for a month, right?

Yup, and my point still remains. It could have been a day and I still would have said the same thing.

Try and let it go.  You are developing a relationship with the daughter and you've only been dating a month, it's not out of the question that these guys developed relationships with the daughter.  Why try to squelch that?  Because you don't want them to be around the daughter or because you don't want them to be around the mother?  Let the mother handle whether or not she thinks these guys should be around her child. 

Quote from: aross1015 on May 26, 2015, 01:38:39 PM
Try and let it go.  You are developing a relationship with the daughter and you've only been dating a month, it's not out of the question that these guys developed relationships with the daughter.  Why try to squelch that?  Because you don't want them to be around the daughter or because you don't want them to be around the mother?  Let the mother handle whether or not she thinks these guys should be around her child.

Your not in my situation bro, you are not a father figure to anyone so you wouldn't know, She only needs one father figure, that's confusing for a kid her age.

Is there a pattern that the mother follows that causes these multiple father figures. Dating for a month, you don't really know the mother. Your intentions can be perfect, but you can't control her. She may have issues with men and sabotages the relationship subconsciously. I personally never met anyone that had a handle on life in high school.
Your relationship may work beautifully, but don't try to have too much with the child unless your partner is as equally committed.
Not trying to rain on your parade, but all relationships are more difficult with children involved.
I hope you two can work it out. Be honest.
Ciao




Ella

Quote from: Brandon on May 26, 2015, 01:55:35 PM
Your not in my situation bro, you are not a father figure to anyone so you wouldn't know, She only needs one father figure, that's confusing for a kid her age.

Because an 18 year old has so much experience raising kids.  It would be more confusing to just remove the person from the child's life with no explanation. 

I do wonder if you already know what you want and what you are going to do, why come and post asking for advice?  You don't do anything but shoot people's suggestions down.  Is this your form of entertainment? 

Quote from: buhddakahn on May 26, 2015, 02:22:52 PM
Is there a pattern that the mother follows that causes these multiple father figures. Dating for a month, you don't really know the mother. Your intentions can be perfect, but you can't control her. She may have issues with men and sabotages the relationship subconsciously. I personally never met anyone that had a handle on life in high school.
Your relationship may work beautifully, but don't try to have too much with the child unless your partner is as equally committed.
Not trying to rain on your parade, but all relationships are more difficult with children involved.
I hope you two can work it out. Be honest.
Ciao




Ella

No there is no pattern, they left her and cheated on her, what was she suppose to do? Trust me I know the mother And she is equally commited on this. The child is already attached to me so of course Imma be there for her and her mother, why not?

Quote from: aross1015 on May 26, 2015, 02:28:11 PM
Because an 18 year old has so much experience raising kids.  It would be more confusing to just remove the person from the child's life with no explanation. 

I do wonder if you already know what you want and what you are going to do, why come and post asking for advice?  You don't do anything but shoot people's suggestions down.  Is this your form of entertainment?

Dude my girl is 19 and she has experience, I have experiance to because I am actually really good with kids, yes I realize baby sitting is different but don't tell me I have no experience and you don't understand there were 2 guys before me so no it wouldn't be more confusing, I just asked if it was bad that I felt this way and I have already talked to my girl about this.

Quote from: Brandon on May 26, 2015, 02:33:51 PM
Dude my girl is 19 and she has experience, I have experiance to because I am actually really good with kids, yes I realize baby sitting is different but don't tell me I have no experience and you don't understand there were 2 guys before me so no it wouldn't be more confusing, I just asked if it was bad that I felt this way and I have already talked to my girl about this.

Not bad to feel that way, but not the best thing to try to be making decisions that should be left up to the mother.  Especially this soon in your relationship. 

Quote from: Brandon on May 26, 2015, 02:30:36 PM
No there is no pattern, they left her and cheated on her, what was she suppose to do? Trust me I know the mother And she is equally commited on this. The child is already attached to me so of course Imma be there for her and her mother, why not?

Again you already seem to know what you want, so why ask for other's opinions if you are going to shoot everything down? 

 :police:

Request both of you to please keep the discussion civil.

Thank you.

Honestly - this all comes down to your girlfriend. She needs to be putting her kid first.

I agree with Malachite. If you want to be a dad, then put a ring on that girl's finger and wife her up. Raise that kid and do your best to do right by everyone involved.

If you're not at that level of seriousness about the relationship, I don't think you have any place trying to be the kid's father figure. Don't get me wrong, neither do the other guys that your girl has dated in the past. But think about all the damage that this revolving door is doing to the child. Not sure about the longevity of her past relationships, but it sounds as though her child has had multiple father figures in a relatively short period of time. It's confusing and it's unfair to the child.

That kid is at least 18 years of her future. If you can't see yourself with this girl 18 years down the road, get out now. Don't play games if there's a kid involved. I know you want to be present and support your girl, but take a step back and really think about it.

Quote from: aross1015 on May 26, 2015, 02:36:30 PM
Not bad to feel that way, but not the best thing to try to be making decisions that should be left up to the mother.  Especially this soon in your relationship. 

Again you already seem to know what you want, so why ask for other's opinions if you are going to shoot everything down?

The only advice I shot down was yours, I just didn't agree with it is all, I agreed with alot of others though. Thats something you really have to think about, I talked to all my guy friends and they agreed with me on that, my girl understands why its weird for me. So what its been a month, I can't just walk into a womans life who has a kid and not play any type of role especially when her biological dad isn't there, I feel a child needs both parents im their life.

Quote from: ftmax on May 26, 2015, 02:43:22 PM
Honestly - this all comes down to your girlfriend. She needs to be putting her kid first.

I agree with Malachite. If you want to be a dad, then put a ring on that girl's finger and wife her up. Raise that kid and do your best to do right by everyone involved.

If you're not at that level of seriousness about the relationship, I don't think you have any place trying to be the kid's father figure. Don't get me wrong, neither do the other guys that your girl has dated in the past. But think about all the damage that this revolving door is doing to the child. Not sure about the longevity of her past relationships, but it sounds as though her child has had multiple father figures in a relatively short period of time. It's confusing and it's unfair to the child.

That kid is at least 18 years of her future. If you can't see yourself with this girl 18 years down the road, get out now. Don't play games if there's a kid involved. I know you want to be present and support your girl, but take a step back and really think about it.

Well she already agreed to letting me be a father figure and trust me like I told Malachite, I am in it for the long run, we are both very serious about our relationship.

Just be straight forward and tell her.  The relationship won't work if you can't tell her something straight out.

Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on May 26, 2015, 03:12:33 PM
Just be straight forward and tell her.  The relationship won't work if you can't tell her something straight out.

I told her already, we talked about it.

I hope I don't sound like I'm intruding . I've never had kids , but I have lived in situations where the women I was with had children. In my particular case the woman was suicidal and tried to do damage to her self, I felt my role , prior to transitioning , was as a friend trying to help the kids trough a nightmare. One of the kids wanted to call me dad which I agreed to , but I was fully aware that for the best for the children's mental health I remained a helping friend rather then insert myself as a father figure. I'd been living with the mother for only a month , but I knew the mother and children a little longer. It ended up her going back to her home state after I took her to the hospital when she cut herself pretty badly. It was a nightmare for the children , but they survived. I would just say be a friend rather than some kind of authority figure on the same level as the mother. This is just my two cents and I truly mean no harm.

Quote from: stephaniec on May 26, 2015, 05:38:29 PM
I hope I don't sound like I'm intruding . I've never had kids , but I have lived in situations where the women I was with had children. In my particular case the woman was suicidal and tried to do damage to her self, I felt my role , prior to transitioning , was as a friend trying to help the kids trough a nightmare. One of the kids wanted to call me dad which I agreed to , but I was fully aware that for the best for the children's mental health I remained a helping friend rather then insert myself as a father figure. I'd been living with the mother for only a month , but I knew the mother and children a little longer. It ended up her going back to her home state after I took her to the hospital when she cut herself pretty badly. It was a nightmare for the children , but they survived. I would just say be a friend rather than some kind of authority figure on the same level as the mother. This is just my two cents and I truly mean no harm.

You're not intruding, I completely understand what you are saying, Its just the girl wants a daddy she gets really upset sometimes because she doesn't have a father figure who actually cares for her in her life, I am just not the type guy to date a girl with a kid and not take them in as my own, kids love me tbh and I am really good with kids so its not a problem for me. I told my girl that I wanna be a father figure in her daughters life a not to long ago and she was really happy about, I mean her daughter is always asking if ILove her and know her daughter has started telling me she loves me, I honestly do love her daughter.

Quote from: Brandon on May 26, 2015, 05:49:26 PM
Its just the girl wants a daddy she gets really upset sometimes because she doesn't have a father figure who actually cares for her in her life, I am just not the type guy to date a girl with a kid and not take them in as my own, kids love me tbh and I am really good with kids so its not a problem for me. I told my girl that I wanna be a father figure in her daughters life a not to long ago and she was really happy about, I mean her daughter is always asking if ILove her and know her daughter has started telling me she loves me, I honestly do love her daughter.

Its good you really like her.

It sounds as if the kid could need some kind of stability, also from the mother.

You might simply try to see a bit what you feel what the kid needs, and also talk about it with the mother. You might try to keep it a bit on the light note, not kind of too reproachful.


hugs

Sometimes the right thing to do when you love someone is knowing when to remove yourself or take a step back instead of putting them in a position to get hurt. Obviously you're going to do what you want to do, but take some time to think about what is in this little girl's best interests.

Pray on it.

Quote from: Laura_7 on May 26, 2015, 06:07:07 PM
Its good you really like her.

It sounds as if the kid could need some kind of stability, also from the mother.

You might simply try to see a bit what you feel what the kid needs, and also talk about it with the mother. You might try to keep it a bit on the light note, not kind of too reproachful.


hugs

Thats what I feel.