Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ok, so im 14 and I've recently had horrible thoughts. I just came out of denial and i really want to be a female. I feel like I've wanted to be a female for years but i have locked up those thoughts and sent them away years ago. I was too afraid to tell my parents. I was crying for no reason and i think that may have been depression when i was little. I have had very severe anxiety and add. I can't really bear to look at a woman without wanting to burst into tears because i want to be them so bad.

It's not hormones because i always did feel a little different, played girl characters in online role play games. Im depressed a lot of the time.

I want to be referred to as a girl and i want the female pronouns i feel like i was born into the wrong body, i feel trapped like i can never escape. EVER.

I sometimes just want this to be over because its just too saddening.

I don't know what to do anymore.

This is getting way too much for me to bear anymore
its getting too hard i feel as each day goes on i feel
even more female inside and the more that happens the more
trapped i feel.

It's sounds like you could use a talk with a gender therapist to get a hold of your feelings.

I can't yet. :(

Hi KellBelle14, welcome to Susan's. I'm no doctor or therapist, but it sounds like you are. Still that is where they come in and help you figure that out. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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Quote from: KellBelle14 on May 30, 2015, 02:52:28 PM
I can't yet. :(

if you can share , what's the reason you can't

i don't really wanna share but i will go when i get the chance

Never feel like you have answer anything your not ncomfortable sharing okay. If and when your ready to we would love to hear, but only when your ready. Good luck and hugs
Mariah

Quote from: KellBelle14 on May 30, 2015, 02:55:26 PM
i don't really wanna share but i will go when i get the chance

First, have a *hug* and a *kiss* (on the cheeks)

try to calm down... in any kind of situation... take a few deep breaths...

here are a few resources that might help you... just take your time:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885


Please reach out...
You should think about talking to a counselor... preferably a gender therapist...
you might say at home you want counseling, either for gender or for emotional purposes, and pick someone who has, amongst others, gender on their list...
they could help you along the way and help explaining... if they are not supportive look for another...
if its connected with emotional issues or depression it might be covered...


and you could call at plannedparenthood or the next lgbt center near you and ask for some counseling...
or you could ask a school counselor you trust for a referral...
there might even be support groups...
or there might be a gsa at school, with transgender members...

if you want to talk to someone in person, you can call or chat with one of the numbers in the link, or for example here:
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/


take the time you need but keep at it... this all is a process... and try to have some fun along the way...
just remember there are many others who have successfully gone through this process...

and keep coming here and asking questions :)


*hugs*

awwww thank you :)

Quote from: KellBelle14 on May 30, 2015, 02:55:26 PM
i don't really wanna share but i will go when i get the chance

Well, I'm going to be blunt, but please don't take what I'm going to say as anything other than just trying to help. I've been transgender for all my life and that is 63 years. Being trans can be quite difficult thing to get a grasp on especially for someone as young as you are. I remember exactly what I went through when I was your age, socially , physically , mentally etc. I had a hard time not understanding what was wrong with me , why I thought about being a woman and the intensity of that experience. I couldn't get the help I needed because I had no clue as to how to reach out and also I was so very embarrassed by what I was thinking. I got to therapy when I was in college , but the problem was I was still too afraid to talk about these feelings of being a woman. At that time I was dealing with a lot of issues that needed guidance , so the transgender part got put on the back burner . I wish I would of been able to deal with this issue back when I was your age, it would of saved me a lot of pain. I didn't start HRT until 19 months ago. I lived a lot of years in depression which if I would of been able to get the proper help when I was younger would of saved me a lot of grief. I hope you can some how get to see a therapist because they are able to help organize your thoughts and guide with their knowledge . Keep asking away there's a lot of experience on Susan's we've all gone and are going through these things things.

I really feel as if hormones would help a lot, when i think about getting them it puts my mind at ease. So im thinking thats a good plan of action when i get the chance?

I can only dream how much different my life would of been with the proper hormones. good luck

I probably can start hormones and blockers around 18-20.
That still sucks. I want them like now. But i don't have control over the situation.

I think you may be able to go on blockers now. Estrogen can come later on at age 18 or maybe even 16? You can also start transition socially.

That is of course dependent on your parents. You should decide whether you want to tell them. Are they religious? Hostile towards LGBT? It may not be good to come out to hostile parents who may proceed to abuse you. On the other hand if you have accommodating parents, teenage transition can result in a really good result.

Good luck. I hope you can find your peace.

Quote from: KellBelle14 on May 30, 2015, 03:45:03 PM
I probably can start hormones and blockers around 18-20.
That still sucks. I want them like now. But i don't have control over the situation.

it's tough being your age and going through this kind of issue because of its intensity. I know I went through hell , but couldn't do anything about it.

Quote from: KellBelle14 on May 30, 2015, 03:30:58 PM
I really feel as if hormones would help a lot, when i think about getting them it puts my mind at ease. So im thinking thats a good plan of action when i get the chance?

Sounds like a plan :)

You might look up a brochure for the british NHS called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.

It states that being tg has biological connections, to do with development before birth.
So its nobodys fault, neither the tg persons nor their parents etc.

Well its up to you what you say since you know them best... you might think about showing...
just consider possible reactions...

another alternative would be to ask for a therapist... for emotional or gender reasons... as said they could help you along...

yet another would be to talk to a school counselor you trust...


and please remember to reach out... if you feel like it call or chat on one of the helplines like trevorproject...


*hugs*

Ugh help, I have ocd and these thoughts containing I'm not a girl cross my mind sometimes and they really stress me out because I know I am female inside what do I do ?

When I went through this, I knew there was no money, the nearest care was about 2000 miles away, this type of information wasn't available and society treated us more like a side show. I forced myself to remain silent until age 23 when it could no longer be contained. The end result was I went from child one day to adult the next and lost many years of normal growing up. The years of pain were something I still remember clearly today. My best advice is to think about telling your parents and see if they can get you in treatment because things are not going to get any better if you leave them alone. They will only get worst.

We all have our internal feeling dragging us one way and society dragging us the other way. Many times I thought I was a male but my internal feelings said otherwise. CIS don't have this issue at all and that's why they are different and why we need to get treatment as soon as possible.

If you think your parents are receptive, they are welcome to come here and talk. We understand how hard this will be to accept and will help in any way possible.

Dena makes some great points. For right now?

There are times when distraction is a good choice.

Not something that will send you circling back into the repetitive negatives.

I often over think things or am very self critical. The challenge is to get out of that mode. Instead of letting the negative of "I'm not a girl" take over, think what the girl is interested in. What is your/her favorite music, books, games, poetry, movie, ice cream? What does she think of the thought "I'm not a girl". How could she refute that(but not if that ramps up and argument within).

Try, whatever your situation, to just say okay I'm a girl. Don't listen to any other internal or external argument. What does that mean. If you embrace the idea, her and yourself, do you feel or act differently? Even if you can't take hormones yet, does accepting that idea release anything?

I don't have proof of this. However, I am pretty sure that most folks here have that negative voice inside that delivers a line like that to them from time to time. I know I do. Yet, like you, I am confidant that I am a woman. See, even as I typed that, there was some part of my being that argued with me. I am not listening to that right now. I am more interested in hoping you can find something else to think about. Even if it's My Little Pony.

2-4 years is a long time to wait for something that feels like necessity. However, hang in there. Breathe, relax and reach out as you need to. Try to see a therapist when you can. Who knows, maybe you won't have to wait so long. Know you are not alone. Is there a safe friend or relative you could talk to about this, face to face? Sometimes proximity and touch (a hug) can make a world of difference. The family you have found here is often around to talk. Many of us have been through multiple versions of what you are experiencing. I am not aware that any of us are medical professions so we can't give absolute answers; just what we have experienced, what worked or didn't for us and occasionally what research we have done.

I am on the east coast USA and need to get up in the morning. I will need to go to sleep soon. I don't know if that helped at all. I wish you luck and love and a great life.

With loving thoughts,

Joanna

I start to act like a girl if I accept it but my friends already suspected that I'm transsexual

Does that make life easier?

Yes but it's just passed the point of unbearable I dunno how long I can go much longer I can go
One more question why when I'm called a girl my heart races and I get excited it pisses me off so much is there anyway to stop that because I know for a fact I'm a girl probably just all the caffeine... because i didn't have this problem before im a silly girl. What do you guys think does it make me less trans?

Quote from: KellBelle14 on May 30, 2015, 03:45:03 PM
I probably can start hormones and blockers around 18-20.
That still sucks. I want them like now. But i don't have control over the situation.

You and only you have all the control over this situation and your life! Noone else will do the neccessary things instead of you so you can start with hormones. It's only up to you whether you will start now, or 5 years from now, or 30 years from now.

I remember I've always played female characters in video games; no matter what genre of video game, whenever I could make a female character I would (and would usually refuse to play a game if that wasn't an option)

I think it sounds really scary to come out about this, and it freaked me out for a while... until I finally tried explaining it to the first person, and it went so well, that I explained it to the next person, and so on, and was surprised at how supported I felt and didn't need to be scared as I thought I had to be...

Everyone's experience in getting support is different, and I think it is a lot easier for me now that I'm among a more mature crowd, but at the same time, I wish I could've starting living the way I wanted to earlier, which is something to consider

But in any case, I suggest talking to someone: a friend you feel comfortable with, a perhaps not necessarily a gender therapist as the first person you go to... why not just try talking to your school counselor? (they can be really nice, and it would be a good first step to try thinking about it out loud with someone in a tangible way)

OMG my anxiety is through the roof!  :o
You've all been a really big help i enjoy talking to you all! :)
And why does the intensity of my dysphoria change?

KellBelle,

I am not a medical professional and I don't even play one on TV. However, I have found dysphoria seems to come and go in multiple ways. When stressed, anxious or depressed, the symptoms seem to be more severe. I imagine when hormones in our bodies fluctuate that may also trigger certain parts of dysphoria(correct me if I am wrong anyone). If that is the case, at 14 you are just in a bath of hormones being fired off. I was in a pretty bad place at 13-16 or 17. I don't know if it was dysphoria(I did not realize what transgender issues were till many years later, then didn't realize they applied to me for a bit longer) but lots of my friends were going through similar things. I think that was mostly hormones and teen years.

However, I think we are quick to blame dysphoria when sometimes it is simpler.  I am just having a bad day today. I realized that some of my dysphoric symptoms may feel worse on those days but we can't blame everything on dysphoria. Some days just suck. That is true no matter what age, identity, orientation... However, when you add teen awkwardness, true dysphoric symptoms, hormones that may be the "wrong ones", uncertainty of everything and the anxiety of keeping it hidden? Sounds a lot like what you are experiencing. I am by no means belittling your experience. It truly feels awful. All I can say is to try to do what you can for yourself and be patient.

You are not an alien. You are not a freak. You are not the first to experience some of these things. You are you. Breathe. Be still when you can. Listen to depressing or angry music(unless it makes you feel worse). Accept yourself for who you are. There are many who will tell you to be like everyone else(it is easier in some ways). But if you do that, it will catch up later. Symptoms will cling to you and will be worse if you try to be someone else. If you have a friend you can talk to, who will accept you, no matter what. Try to be with them. Try talking out loud(it makes it easier to do that to others every time you say things out loud). No one's life is simple. Try to be there for them too. We will try to be with you as much as possible but nothing compares to a flesh and blood person.

If you have therapist you can talk to, that would be fantastic. There should be no judgment from them. That is such a relief when you get used to it. It caused me anxiety at first.

Sorry for my rambling. We do care.

With warm embraces and loving thoughts,

Joanna