Susan's Place Transgender Resources

When did you realize that you should be the opposite gender you were born?

My story:
Ever since I was a kid I wanted to do some things that were seen as boyish, but not others. I've never cared much for sports for example. I remember wanting to grow up to be a male body builder. I have admire Arnold Schwarzenegger since I was a kid and still do. There are various men in the media I looked to as role models secretly and told no one because I knew it wouldn't look normal. I loved to play with reptiles as a kid and would cross dress at halloween in costumes like Ozzy Osbourne, and one year I wanted to be Gene Simmons from Kiss with all the makeup. I never did that because I was in the care of some very religious people who didn't agree with rock n roll when I was a teenager.

In my teens I also would sometimes dress overly feminine because I was afraid of being ridiculed which I had earlier for being a tomboy. I didn't think realize all the miracle surgeries that can be done to fix this until recently. I live in an area where all that stuff has to be kept in the dark mostly. Right now I'm a just look like a woman dressed in men's clothing with a man's haircut.

I am low income and don't know if my insurance will cover the hormones, yet. If I pay out of pocket for everything I will have had to save up and wait long periods of time in between hormones and surgeries.

It might not take as long as you think money wise. my insurance covered it even though i was still F on all my paperwork back when i first started about 5 years ago, I too didn't know this was a viable option. my T is relatively inexpensive on insurance and about 40$ a month with out insurance. not too bad, that's a couple of meals, or fast food meals, or drinks at a bar. so you can get the medicine if you can just use your insurance first. I've always used my insurance even when i was female and read all over the internet that there are problems with sex not matching up on insurance documents. I for one can say that my insurance company never called, or asked me anything, I suspect they don't really pay attention to prescriptions, I think it's the surgeries that they'd REALLY inquire about because they cost more than a prescription discount.

All in all, under any income you can start to make your dreams come true. I truly believe that.

My trans story is kind of both long and short, I lived as a stud female, into women, so i suppose lebsian, for the better part of my whole life. I tried to conform to society at a young age, but it's not all black and white, and children can love anything. and so i just decided I'd do what i felt best in which was the community in a large city. where precedents have been set for people like us. It wasnt until my early 20's that I realized I wanted to transition. it was a shock, but really i thought "if i've been pretending for the last 15 years...why not just do it? you must want it if you're always trying to be in..but just dressing and acting like it, not really preceived as it. so do it!" and i did, I sought out a therapist first like they all say, (but when i  got to my Endocrinologist. he didnt even read the letter) and I truly don't think that i needed to go to a therapist and try to convince her and explain to her these feelings that should not have to be put into words for any one else. i'll admit i made a lot of it up, i just wanted to be a man. i didn't want to be a mental patient who wants to be a man. then i had my last physical as a woman, in which i explained to a very elderly gentlemen that i was there for a physical so i can start "HRT" and he says " you're so young, you dont need HRT, " i said, "no, testosterone," and he says " ahhyes " smiled, and proceeded to give me the physical as if i were male. I do not think i'll ever forget that day. How nice of him to do that for me. what a good Dr.
As you can see i dont have regular Dr's. I had to drop into a clinic and google a therapist.

In any case, i  then chose my endocrinologist- my Endocrinologist happens to be a good friend of mine's dad, which at the time i didn't realize. so he asked me some things, and he prescribed me. and that was it, i looked up how to do my shots online, told him i already knew how. and he let me do it. he says im the most successful case he has because he takes a lot of the cases on here in town. im in a small town too. i suppose he may mean i'm the only one really living a substantial life( college, work fulltime, surgeries, etc). but I'm not sure as I have not asked him.

I really just thought that i was fine the way i was before until I realized I was not, and in any case being just "fine" is no way to be :)

Ever since I became aware of genders and their differencies I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I couldn't put my finger on it as a little kid but I knew how I would've said it aloud if I had had the courage; "I wanna be a boy".

I always wanted to play with the boys in school but especially in elementary school - at least in my years there - girls and boys playing together was a no-no. Cooties and whatnot else. On top of that, I was REALLY shy kid. You know, one of those quiet kids who do well in pretty much every subject in school.

I think I was in my teen years when I first stumbled across transsexualism in tv documentaries. When others watched those thinking most likely "what's wrong with those people" I didn't see it that way. Already back then I thought that maybe I was like that, too. But for some reason I considered it to be an "easy" explanation for my feelings. I was being a little adult about it, it was just the age, puberty and whatnot, I would grow up to be a woman just like my mom.

But no. After the obligatory school years my appearance went into the androgynous direction quite fast and me feeling uncomfortable with my body just grew and grew. Everytime there was a show on tv about trans people the familiar thought surfaced. Maybe that was the case on me, too? Nope, there had to be another way.

I kept going on like that until I was 21. The last drop was this little thought I had in my mind one day when I was alone at home; "what would I want to be called if I was a guy?" For some reason, that little thought made me realize that I really wanted to be a man because I already was a man but I was trapped in a body that didn't look right and made me feel uncomfortable.
I could finally admit it to myself, after all those years of brushing the thought to side as an easy way out. I was a guy trapped in a female body and I needed to do something about it.

That was four years ago and I'm at the point that I could only dream about back then. On T with top surgery and hysto done, name and legal gender changed. This situation was my goal when I started my transition. Feels good, man.

I grew up very tomboy-ish. I didn't really have a word for it at the time, though I knew I liked girls. In middle school, I identified as a lesbian because that was what made sense to me. This carried on through high school. My relationships started to suffer because I was extremely uncomfortable being touched and wanted nothing to do with anything related to my body.

When I was 17, a long time friend came out as transgender and that was basically when my whole life fell apart. I had a word to describe me, but everything seemed so unattainable. I didn't think I'd ever be able to tell anyone and be accepted. I half-heartedly attempted to transition once in college and once before grad school. It didn't work, I wasn't ready, and I had no support.

I didn't attempt it again until I had finished school and had been working for several years. It's been good though, because now I have insurance, everyone knows and is on the same page, and I can afford to do what I need to do. I'm one step away from being done with physical transition, I'm viewed as male, and I'm completely comfortable with where I'm at presently.

Some of my earliest memories from age three was realizing that I was not a boy ... or better said, I was a girl.  The word transgender (or transsexual( was not part of my vocabulary for many years.  I did not know there was a way to change my body until I was 7.

I spent a long time living as a gender non-conforming girl - I told myself I was supposed to be a girl, so therefore I was a girl. Then when I realized my bisexuality, I started getting more involved in the LGBTQIA+ community. The word transgender stuck with me, and it got to a point where I couldn't deny my true gender. It explained the disconnect I feel from my gender assigned at birth, and it all began to fall into place from there.

My earliest memories were around 4 or 5... I also seemed to have bad genital dysphoria too...

After many years of crying and praying solidly I eventually just tried to push it to the back of my mind... with good results, but the feeling were always there, coming and pushing them back, till no more now!

L Katy  :-*

I was somewhat girly as a young kid (like 3 or 4) but as i grew older, i hung out with the guys more. I reasoned "they do more fun things." for a while i figured i was a tomboy. In high school, i hated being a girl because puberty wasn't kind to me and i fully realized that being a female came with all sorts of expectations and such that i didn't want. I had even stated that I'd rather live as a gay man despite believing at the time that homosexuality was a sin (i don't believe that anymore). I made my home on some forums a few years later. There were some transsexual members that i interacted with (some i liked, some i didn't) and for a while i settled with whatever people wanted to call me. I was told i had a masculine impression when typing and i found that amusing. I still stewed in self-loathing. I thought it was normal. A few months ago, i settled for being androgynous. I often got called 'sir' at work and i enjoyed cosplaying as male characters. I figured "why not"? My boyfriend at the time was supportive so i felt more at ease. Then a month or so later i realized that i would still rather be all male. I'm two months in just trying to live as a gay man and now single and I'm still fighting myself to accept it. I guess part of me still hopes that this is an exploration phase of who i am since i was incredibly sheltered as a kid (despite enjoying male activities i was pretty much forced to hang out with girls).

Tl;dr I'm not sure. I'm sure i knew but didn't know i knew. Part of me still says "nah that happens to other people. You're not part of that crowd. You don't belong" but the other part says "well you hate being female enough to disassociate from it, that counts for something, right?"

Quote from: BenKenobi on June 01, 2015, 09:52:36 PM
I was somewhat girly as a young kid (like 3 or 4) but as i grew older, i hung out with the guys more. I reasoned "they do more fun things." for a while i figured i was a tomboy. In high school, i hated being a girl because puberty wasn't kind to me and i fully realized that being a female came with all sorts of expectations and such that i didn't want. I had even stated that I'd rather live as a gay man despite believing at the time that homosexuality was a sin (i don't believe that anymore). I made my home on some forums a few years later. There were some transsexual members that i interacted with (some i liked, some i didn't) and for a while i settled with whatever people wanted to call me. I was told i had a masculine impression when typing and i found that amusing. I still stewed in self-loathing. I thought it was normal. A few months ago, i settled for being androgynous. I often got called 'sir' at work and i enjoyed cosplaying as male characters. I figured "why not"? My boyfriend at the time was supportive so i felt more at ease. Then a month or so later i realized that i would still rather be all male. I'm two months in just trying to live as a gay man and now single and I'm still fighting myself to accept it. I guess part of me still hopes that this is an exploration phase of who i am since i was incredibly sheltered as a kid (despite enjoying male activities i was pretty much forced to hang out with girls).

Tl;dr I'm not sure. I'm sure i knew but didn't know i knew. Part of me still says "nah that happens to other people. You're not part of that crowd. You don't belong" but the other part says "well you hate being female enough to disassociate from it, that counts for something, right?"

I have this in common with you, that you wanted to be a gay man and not live up to traditionally female expectations.

When I was waiting to hear back if I had testicular cancer or not and wasn't worried in the least, but was praying that I did have it so I'd have a legitimate excuse to have the little demons exorcized from my body! And when I told my gf how this she said "yeah I know. you told me you wanted them removed 15 years ago." More recently when I looked at my smart phone and noticed every bookmark had to do with transition related surgeries and issues and realized I've been privately obsessing about it for my entire life and that CD's have links to women's CLOTHING sites, not women surgical procedure sites.

Every few years iId break out of the browbeating I was giving myself with the false message of "You're just a CD! And she's just not that interesting. No you don't like guys at all!" and try and tell one of my parents and they'd just never fall for the setups I was doing to get to the subject. Like.. hey dad read this book it's about son and father who are completely different than everyone on the world they grew up in. (He never read it.)

And whenever someone asked me "What would you do if you won the lottery?" and I'd respond "Get a sex change."

Quote from: Tiffanie on June 01, 2015, 06:01:09 PM
Some of my earliest memories from age three was realizing that I was not a boy ... or better said, I was a girl.  The word transgender (or transsexual( was not part of my vocabulary for many years.  I did not know there was a way to change my body until I was 7.

I didn't realize the reality of the surgeries and how effective they are until I was in my early 20s. I had heard before about Christine Jorgensen, and I'm sure that they've improved the process since then!

Quote from: Pony on June 01, 2015, 11:35:54 PM
When I was waiting to hear back if I had testicular cancer or not and wasn't worried in the least, but was praying that I did have it so I'd have a legitimate excuse to have the little demons exorcized from my body! And when I told my gf how this she said "yeah I know. you told me you wanted them removed 15 years ago." More recently when I looked at my smart phone and noticed every bookmark had to do with transition related surgeries and issues and realized I've been privately obsessing about it for my entire life and that CD's have links to women's CLOTHING sites, not women surgical procedure sites.

Every few years iId break out of the browbeating I was giving myself with the false message of "You're just a CD! And she's just not that interesting. No you don't like guys at all!" and try and tell one of my parents and they'd just never fall for the setups I was doing to get to the subject. Like.. hey dad read this book it's about son and father who are completely different than everyone on the world they grew up in. (He never read it.)

And whenever someone asked me "What would you do if you won the lottery?" and I'd respond "Get a sex change."

Stay Golden Pony Girl, Stay Golden.

A few weeks after my 21st birthday(late 1978),I'd often wished to be a girl from age 6 or 7 and dressed occasionally before.This day it was the start of a real cold spell and I was working on my Triumph in the garage doing 1/2 hour on 10 minutes off it was so cold.I was warming up and started reading the paper and I saw a story about a very attractive lady who used to be a sailor(sorry can't remember her name) and while I was reading it I knew I'm like that,it's not a phase,it's not going away.I spent the next 10 years trying to blot it out with drugs and booze without success.

Quote from: big kim on June 02, 2015, 05:41:14 PM
A few weeks after my 21st birthday(late 1978),I'd often wished to be a girl from age 6 or 7 and dressed occasionally before.This day it was the start of a real cold spell and I was working on my Triumph in the garage doing 1/2 hour on 10 minutes off it was so cold.I was warming up and started reading the paper and I saw a story about a very attractive lady who used to be a sailor(sorry can't remember her name) and while I was reading it I knew I'm like that,it's not a phase,it's not going away.I spent the next 10 years trying to blot it out with drugs and booze without success.

I hope you don't still have substance abuse problems?

Quote from: katrinaw on June 01, 2015, 08:32:59 PM
My earliest memories were around 4 or 5... I also seemed to have bad genital dysphoria too...

After many years of crying and praying solidly I eventually just tried to push it to the back of my mind... with good results, but the feeling were always there, coming and pushing them back, till no more now!

L Katy  :-*

This is so simliar to my story that it's almost scary haha. My story is almost exactly like hers, except that I'm ftm. When I was around 7-8, I used to wad up some socks and make my own "packer" (I had no idea that this was a thing at the time, I just knew it felt right to have something there). I knew I was different, but pushed it to the back of my mind. It wasn't until I was 12 when I randomly searched "how to pee standing up" that I discovered the word transgender. Then, I again pushed it to the back of my mind, until this year, now I'm going for it.

Due to issues with my body from birth a tone of work was done down in the area of the genitals. The constant attention that resulted made the genital discomfort to the fore front very early on. Easily around 4 or 5 years old again. I have always hated that area and will be at peace once that birth defect is gone for good. I wasn't familiar with the term transsexual tell I started transitioning, but it fit like a glove once I was familiar with it. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Mariah2014 on June 02, 2015, 06:54:17 PM
Due to issues with my body from birth a tone of work was done down in the area of the genitals. The constant attention that resulted made the genital discomfort to the fore front very early on. Easily around 4 or 5 years old again. I have always hated that area and will be at peace once that birth defect is gone for good. I wasn't familiar with the term transsexual tell I started transitioning, but it fit like a glove once I was familiar with it. Hugs
Mariah

I am very uncomfortable with my female anatomy as well.

From about the age of 6-7 it became apparent that I was quite different than the other boys, but I didn't know what the difference was because this was back in the 60's and where I lived there was no knowledge of what transgender even meant. I never played with dolls or dressed up so there were no clues to help me figure it out. To protect myself from abuse from other kids I gradually built a fake male persona and held it out in front of me as a shield - I did it so well that I had everyone convinced, including myself, that I was a guy. The fake guy got married, started a family and a business, and was a man's man. My life as a middle aged psuedo-guy was going pretty well.

And then it all started to unravel.

In my mid 40's I started to figure out what the difference was. I went from thinking I was an androgyne to realizing that I was bigender over a period of a few years. To deal with myself I was diving into a bottle every night, and one night I realized that if I didn't do something I was going to be a statistic.

So I started therapy. I went in with the attitude that I was bigender and was looking for help managing that, and after about 3 months I said the words "I am a transsexual" sitting there on the couch, knowing full well that my world was going to collapse - which it did.

At that point I was 51.

Quote from: Jake25 on June 02, 2015, 05:48:45 PM
I hope you don't still have substance abuse problems?

Thanks for asking Jake,I rarely drink these days(last one at New Year) and no longer do drugs.I gave up smoking weed and taking speed when piss in a bottle was introduced at the place I worked 18 years ago.Started HRT & electrolysis 1990,went full time 1991,had op 1994.

You should definitely check with insurance, better if they can help, but just as stated before, it's not insanely expensive without insurance, just a bit harder.

Just a warning, my story/rant is long.

Starting around first grade when I eventually socialized with others did I realize that I was different. I'm not exactly sure if there was anything before then, but only because there was no one to compare myself to in the way going to school allowed me to notice that there was a difference between me and boys my age. It started out with not liking the games the boys would play, less physical play and more interaction verbally with all the other girls. Those plastic cooking sets were stuff of infinite fun! Body dysphoria didn't rear it's ugly face until a few years after just before entering the 3rd grade when I realized that there was a reason the girls had to use the other restroom, and I separate from them. One of my childhood friends let me in on the secret, something of common knowledge today, that I was the oddball because I was different, I was a boy. I knew what that meant, yet I still couldn't piece together why it was we were different, set aside the obvious "secret". Middle school comes around and boys and girls start to change, and is also where the dysphoria really kicked in. The differences between me and the other girls were becoming too much. I knew what was so different about me. My voice was changing, my voice wasn't supposed to change. I was getting taller and more muscular, it made me look less feminine. I broke out a lot, because of facial hair growth, not typical of girls my age. Them telling me to "man up" when I knew deep down inside there was something terribly wrong with what they were saying! I was always upset and though at the time in hindsight was what would later be called gender dysphoria, I had no clue what to call it. All the boys my age were trying to grow up to be a man's man, and telling my parents how I felt was only going to return the response, "man up". So I tried. High school only proved to me that people were only getting more and more different as the years went by. My body at this point was being poisoned by testosterone and my dysphoria was in full swing. I couldn't eat, sleep, cry, be happy,  or very simply...be me. Whatever that meant. I missed a lot of school because I swore whatever I saw wrong with the male body I occupied, was being seen by everybody. The scared person inside, she needed to come out, badly. One of the days I ditched school, I gave myself an ultimatum, let myself show how different I can be, and be myself, a girl, or die. I knew hurting myself would've been terrible, not only for me but for all who had cared, so I opted for the optimistic route. So I started off with my hair, I grew it out. I started asking my sisters for their old clothes, ("for fabric to make...stuff") so I could start exploring my taste in clothing (as I did not like men's clothing at all, not flattering at all!) This made me feel so much better, but was still not enough. I got my ears pierced. (Yes I know, guys get their ears pierced too, but to me it was a step towards femininity) I got highlights in my hair (see above) Started to ride my bike everywhere (my bigger thighs made me feel good and more proportionate really...and it was a good workout!) And bought my first pair of booties, because who doesn't like shoe shopping, it was my treat! Ah, well, though I did all these things I knew I was far from letting the scared girl inside me out, and as far as I had come in allowing myself to make small changes, I needed to open the flood gates. So I did. After my senior graduation, I let loose and told one by one whomever needed to know that the boy they thought they knew was no boy at all, but a girl, and her name was Roxanne. And I'm living now as me ever since!

(I did leave out the details of my dysphoria, I don't want to upset anyone by delving into details they don't want to read) (This is just a synopsis, there is so much more to my story!)

Alright warning a long post. I think I kind of have my emotions figured out so hopefully I can write this out right finally.

I put a lot already into my introduction post some I won't repeat a lot. Other then I've always been a lot more comfortable around around females even when I was very young. And was not like normal boys I hated hated get scraps or getting dirty at all. I was always kind of drawn towards to cute things and got weird looks because when I was ten I still had stuffed animals. Once I hit puberty my hormones really shot through the roof. I grew really quickly. But for some reason a fifteen year old boy liked watching The Today Show, Cooking shows, A Wedding story and a Wedding Story! For a few months I lived happily as male. But still kind of kept my female interests mostly just watching TV when I was alone. I did try women's clothes and stuff a couple of times. I hate to say this my father was racist and really anti LGBT. So even if I wanted to I'd never be able to come out. I mean he verbally and mentally abused me when I got an F on a math test. And this went from any school work that I did not do good on.  To the point where now I have an eight inch scar on my left wrist from trying to kill myself. I even think back to that time and remember how I thought it might have been better if I was female.

It was around this time that I started hating getting my picture taken. Every picture I have from twelve onto now I don't look right. No matter how much I tried I couldn't look happy and I noticed male clothes just didn't sit right on me. I though well whatever and ordered big and tall. Well that was a mistake since it made me look worse. And has led me to have major body modesty issues. So for about ten years I'm pretty sure there's less then twenty pictures taken of me. 

Once I got out of high school my first job was at a JCPenney call center. Now there was not a ton of guys working there. But the ones that where there I never really talked to. And I ended up being friends with about five other gals and another guy who was gay. When I took orders I always had an easier time with female customers then male. Which should've been the other way around. My mom actually worked there also and I got told a lot that I shouldn't be hanging out with older women all the time. I never really gave it any thought I was just comfortable around them.

During that time I was seriously considering joining the Army or Navy. Which in retrospect I was most likely trying reinforce me being male. I started working out all the time and was getting set to join. But then my father came down with cancer a couple months before I planned to join. And really between work and care I was drained for an entire year. But around that time I noticed that stories did a lot more for me then porn. But really did not give it much thought. Fast forward four months and my father was doing great. I though well I'm a couple years older but I'll give the military another shot. But my father got horribly ill and within a week from being up walking he was lying in our house dying. I still living with my parents at the time really to care for my dad. And once he died I still stayed with my mom since it would be impossible for her to take care of and pay for the house.

But now it was around this time about three years ago now I started having mood swings. I started switching interests in things almost on a monthly basis. And last year finally thought I was happy with my life. And went eight months content with who I was. But then something in me kind of said let me out. I very slowly started doing a few feminine things but not a lot. But then this year things became awfully tough for me. I was mad at everyone almost all the time and had no problem yelling at people. But inside I was getting really sad and feeling isolated. I tried getting into more male things. Watching fights on TV, watching horror movies and listening to a lot of metal. Also trying to reinforce myself and buying a lot of action figures from my childhood. Also I  started having males come over to my house. This kind of worked for a few months. But I started to realize I wasn't interested in hanging out with my male friends and doing stuff they were interested in. And it was a relief when they left.

Well things started changing. I know it sounds crazy but those silly tests online like is your brain more male or female started making me think something. Since I would get 80% female or more without fail. And I started looking on Buzzfeed and became interested in the female aimed posts. Also I started playing one video game and pretty much molded my character was me down to the hair color/style and her name. And it was weird but I was kind of living through her in the game.

And that voice inside my head that I haven't heard in awhile started talking again. Saying just let it come out. And well Raven was the result. 

I always knew I was a girl. There was no doubt in my mind. This is who I am.

As far back as i can remember I felt like I was in the wrong body.  I was about 6 years old I wore my first girl clothes.  The feeling has came and went.  I thought I was just a cross dresser until I was around 13 and was able to use the Internet for research purposes. I went to stores and bought my own things which I kept in private until my mom found them. She didn't exactly understand and probably made things worse.  In college I dressed more until I purged around 21 years old. I met my wife the next year and started dressing again.   After all its hard to be surrounded by reminders every day.   I kept my desires at bay with dressing on and off for the next few years.  About 5 years ago I told my wife about me which nearly ended my marriage.    after she had time to process everything she was way more supportive.  In the Last year my urges have gotten stronger and just a few days ago I told my wife I think I need to see a therapist.  That's where I am.  Sorry it was so long I just felt like pouring my heart out after reading everyone's stories!

Quote from: RavenL on June 06, 2015, 03:46:02 PM
Alright warning a long post. I think I kind of have my emotions figured out so hopefully I can write this out right finally.

I put a lot already into my introduction post some I won't repeat a lot. Other then I've always been a lot more comfortable around around females even when I was very young. And was not like normal boys I hated hated get scraps or getting dirty at all. I was always kind of drawn towards to cute things and got weird looks because when I was ten I still had stuffed animals. Once I hit puberty my hormones really shot through the roof. I grew really quickly. But for some reason a fifteen year old boy liked watching The Today Show, Cooking shows, A Wedding story and a Wedding Story! For a few months I lived happily as male. But still kind of kept my female interests mostly just watching TV when I was alone. I did try women's clothes and stuff a couple of times. I hate to say this my father was racist and really anti LGBT. So even if I wanted to I'd never be able to come out. I mean he verbally and mentally abused me when I got an F on a math test. And this went from any school work that I did not do good on.  To the point where now I have an eight inch scar on my left wrist from trying to kill myself. I even think back to that time and remember how I thought it might have been better if I was female.

It was around this time that I started hating getting my picture taken. Every picture I have from twelve onto now I don't look right. No matter how much I tried I couldn't look happy and I noticed male clothes just didn't sit right on me. I though well whatever and ordered big and tall. Well that was a mistake since it made me look worse. And has led me to have major body modesty issues. So for about ten years I'm pretty sure there's less then twenty pictures taken of me. 

Once I got out of high school my first job was at a JCPenney call center. Now there was not a ton of guys working there. But the ones that where there I never really talked to. And I ended up being friends with about five other gals and another guy who was gay. When I took orders I always had an easier time with female customers then male. Which should've been the other way around. My mom actually worked there also and I got told a lot that I shouldn't be hanging out with older women all the time. I never really gave it any thought I was just comfortable around them.

During that time I was seriously considering joining the Army or Navy. Which in retrospect I was most likely trying reinforce me being male. I started working out all the time and was getting set to join. But then my father came down with cancer a couple months before I planned to join. And really between work and care I was drained for an entire year. But around that time I noticed that stories did a lot more for me then porn. But really did not give it much thought. Fast forward four months and my father was doing great. I though well I'm a couple years older but I'll give the military another shot. But my father got horribly ill and within a week from being up walking he was lying in our house dying. I still living with my parents at the time really to care for my dad. And once he died I still stayed with my mom since it would be impossible for her to take care of and pay for the house.

But now it was around this time about three years ago now I started having mood swings. I started switching interests in things almost on a monthly basis. And last year finally thought I was happy with my life. And went eight months content with who I was. But then something in me kind of said let me out. I very slowly started doing a few feminine things but not a lot. But then this year things became awfully tough for me. I was mad at everyone almost all the time and had no problem yelling at people. But inside I was getting really sad and feeling isolated. I tried getting into more male things. Watching fights on TV, watching horror movies and listening to a lot of metal. Also trying to reinforce myself and buying a lot of action figures from my childhood. Also I  started having males come over to my house. This kind of worked for a few months. But I started to realize I wasn't interested in hanging out with my male friends and doing stuff they were interested in. And it was a relief when they left.

Well things started changing. I know it sounds crazy but those silly tests online like is your brain more male or female started making me think something. Since I would get 80% female or more without fail. And I started looking on Buzzfeed and became interested in the female aimed posts. Also I started playing one video game and pretty much molded my character was me down to the hair color/style and her name. And it was weird but I was kind of living through her in the game.

And that voice inside my head that I haven't heard in awhile started talking again. Saying just let it come out. And well Raven was the result.

I can related to this because I also had a period of time where I tried to force myself to be more girly, and it was partially other people's expectations of me.

7 years old

I have dealt with what I assume have been complications of this all my life.

However, while I thought I was a cross dresser I only concluded last Feb or March.

I am 50 :embarrassed:

Joanna

I had it buried away for a very long time. The penny didn't drop for me until I was 32.

It began in the middle of my fourth long-term relationship with a very pretty but also very dominant woman. It was my fourth time 'on the bottom' - sexually, and mentally.

One night we went out to a crossdressing theme party for a laugh. All of a sudden I felt carefree, and I wanted to do it again ...

We both began to realise that I wasn't who we thought I was. After we broke up I began crossdressing (privately) every night. I lived on IRC, pretending to be a biological girl. On the basis of my personality nobody doubted it.

The double life brought my GD right to the surface. After a couple of years I realised this wasn't going away ... it was becoming stronger ... and I had to do something about it.

I came out to everyone I knew, and started making appointments ...

The rest is history :~)

Age 4 or so. I started dressing then, was caught then got scared back into the closet. I struggled with it over the years. Puberty was hell.

I've always wanted to be a man, but I never realized how far that want was until this website. When I was a kid, I was a fervent feminist, and I would be confused as to why I wanted to be a man, I assumed that it was internalized sexism at the time, I was 5.
In 6th grade I decided I was going to get surgery to remove my breasts, because whenever I thought of myself it was always with a flat chest. I decided I was going to become very rich and pay surgeons to figure out a surgery that would work for me.
In 10th grade I was severely depressed and knew that something was wrong. I was looking on gay chatrooms, youtubers that were lesbian, how to know if you were gay websites.
It was while I was looking for a chatroom that I came across this website. I looked at the title and had an epiphany. The first thought I had was:
"Holy sh** I'm trans.."

When Lana Wachovski came out and what she was saying made me think "oh. That's how I feel too." and taking estrogen confirmed it really.

At first I thought I was Agender,or that it doesn't matter..later I realized that I am transgender but that A- part was related to sexuality,probably asexual(people are shaped by words,beauty resides in soul,not being interested in sex etc)..I was introvert,most of the time I spent playing with cats(we had over 30 cats!) in backyard and reading...I had favorite book character-George(Georgina) from The famous five(by Enid Blyton).She identified as boy.Also when I was a toddler I used to ask my mother why I don't have IDENTICAL twin brother....silly question but I always imagined myself differently.As a kid I also told to my mother"mom when I reach puberty,something will go wrong"...At that time I didn't clarify what was wrong with me..

I've always dressed as a boy.Truth to be told,most of the clothes I inherited from older(by chance all boys) cousins...as a kid I didn't care what I wore.At the age of 11 I developped my own style,very masculine.I loved gothic style,but also fedora hats and bow ties,I also started binding my chest,and living real life test...due to possible CAH I have facial hair and hairy arms,legs.

The fact that I'm not interested in sex made others doubt I'm actually a boy..Although I was activist for transgender rights in my country at that time, I also felt somewhat excluded from LGBT community(due to possible asexuality)

Full transformation at six, nah didn't realize
Asked all my girlfriends in puberty if they could dress me up, nuh uh
dressed so much to keep confusing feelings at bay the past decade

early twenties now, hmmmm, maybe :-*

:laugh:

If at this point I end up only being a crossdresser. I could live with that, they're only clothingpieces after all :shrugs:

Quote from: Andre87 on June 18, 2015, 07:10:10 PM
At first I thought I was Agender,or that it doesn't matter..later I realized that I am transgender but that A- part was related to sexuality,probably asexual(people are shaped by words,beauty resides in soul,not being interested in sex etc)..I was introvert,most of the time I spent playing with cats(we had over 30 cats!) in backyard and reading...I had favorite book character-George(Georgina) from The famous five(by Enid Blyton).She identified as boy.Also when I was a toddler I used to ask my mother why I don't have IDENTICAL twin brother....silly question but I always imagined myself differently.As a kid I also told to my mother"mom when I reach puberty,something will go wrong"...At that time I didn't clarify what was wrong with me..

I've always dressed as a boy.Truth to be told,most of the clothes I inherited from older(by chance all boys) cousins...as a kid I didn't care what I wore.At the age of 11 I developped my own style,very masculine.I loved gothic style,but also fedora hats and bow ties,I also started binding my chest,and living real life test...due to possible CAH I have facial hair and hairy arms,legs.

The fact that I'm not interested in sex made others doubt I'm actually a boy..Although I was activist for transgender rights in my country at that time, I also felt somewhat excluded from LGBT community(due to possible asexuality)

Andre, it's great to be a transman and asexual. I personally see no correlation to masculinity and sexual activity. It just makes you seem like you have more discipline than other men, and that's a respectable quality. I'm a homo romantic transman.

I never realized I was transgender. What I realized is that the world couldn't see me. Instead their blind eyes saw something else.

Quote from: Jake25 on June 18, 2015, 10:29:14 PM
Andre, it's great to be a transman and asexual. I personally see no correlation to masculinity and sexual activity. It just makes you seem like you have more discipline than other men, and that's a respectable quality. I'm a homo romantic transman.

Exactly Jake.Good side of being asexual is that person's decisions can't be manipulated by sexual pressures.One appears cool headed and disciplined,as you mentioned.Bad side is that we live in oversexualized world(also due to abuse of psychology),sexual jokes,flirting is present in everyday communication.It's like "courtship dance" in birds..people expect you to react in certain way.Asexual persons can have passion.I'm romantic.In my (Serbian)language "strast"(word for passion) has root "to perish"(I don't know whether I found a proper word in English) which I interpret as "breaking oneself into dust in order to construct something more beautiful,sculpture of love.."(love toward another person,science,poetry etc).

I seemed to always think that I was a girl, even before I had any idea what the differences were. My mother said I always seemed to be uncomfortable with my genitals even as a very young child. I grew up playing with other girls and avoiding the boys. Adults who didn't know the family assumed I was a girl and I would correct adults who referred to me otherwise.

When I started school, gendered washrooms and segregated activities confused the hell out of me because I wasn't allowed to go  with the girls. It wasn't until age 8 that I realized I had a problem when a cousin said "You should have been a girl". I said I was and he said "No, not really." That really shook up my world! I heard about Christine Jorgensen and tried DIY hormones about age 13. I seriously thought about amputating the offending bits of flesh.

I was 14 when I first heard the word transsexual when Dr. Benjamin's book  was about to come out and was diagnosed at age 16 by Dr. Harry himself. At 17, I was on HRT but it took until age 24 to find SRS.

When did I realize? The first time I heard the word.

Quote from: Andre87 on June 19, 2015, 10:53:05 AM
Exactly Jake.Good side of being asexual is that person's decisions can't be manipulated by sexual pressures.One appears cool headed and disciplined,as you mentioned.Bad side is that we live in oversexualized world(also due to abuse of psychology),sexual jokes,flirting is present in everyday communication.It's like "courtship dance" in birds..people expect you to react in certain way.Asexual persons can have passion.I'm romantic.In my (Serbian)language "strast"(word for passion) has root "to perish"(I don't know whether I found a proper word in English) which I interpret as "breaking oneself into dust in order to construct something more beautiful,sculpture of love.."(love toward another person,science,poetry etc).

You sound interesting. I heard Serbia doesn't have much in the way of Trans/gay rights though.

Quote from: Jake25 on June 19, 2015, 12:34:45 PM
You sound interesting. I heard Serbia doesn't have much in the way of Trans/gay rights though.

yeah it's not as it should be..I don't rely on organizations..I just try to remove other people's prejudices by acting according to my conscience and morality,by being patient,in peaceful way explaining why their arguments don't apply..but what's even more important is that they see us above our gender(for a moment) and not simplify our life,because we're all complex persons with different interests and talents..when we make soul connection then they'll better understand TG issues and accept us who we are..accepting should come through understanding..

As a young child I knew I was supposed to be male and I thought I knew what was expected of a male. My actions were a good deal different. I took care of the younger kids, hated sports, liked quiet play with girls, liked to be clean and wanted to look nice even though I was wearing male clothes. I didn't really understand what male and female was until I hit puberty. I was in a 6th grade class on a warm spring day in the 6th grade. It was mid afternoon with the sunlight streaming through the window and my eyes happened to wander over to the most stunning girl in the class. My feelings at that moment where that I wanted to be her. Needless to say, the rest of the class was spent trying to figure out what was happening to me. As luck would have it soon after that an news paper item about John Hopkins doing SRS gave me a name for my feelings and hope. I knew I couldn't talk it over with my parents so I spent till I was 23 reading anything I could get my hands on, hoping for a magic cure that would make me a girl or make it go away and cross dressing whenever possible. Age 23 everything exploded in my head so I came out of the closet and started earning the needed money I would need to make it happen.

I was... twelve or thirteen I think, but I only really came to terms with it when I was fifteen. In my childhood, I used to be quite girly, though I stopped wearing dresses and skirts after I turned eight. I had very long hair, I loved messing about with makeup and I wanted everything in my room to be pink, and purple and fluffy. This was because I didn't quite understand the whole genders thing. I also loved playing video games, and going outside and playing with other boys, trying to show off that I was as strong and daring as them. Since entering my all girls' secondary school, I realised that I wasn't a girl, I didn't belong there, but there was nothing I could do except slowly push away my feminity, and let my masculinity show.

I "knew" in year 2 (5-6yrs old). We all had to write down one wish that we wanted. Most put down gameboy/money/clothes but i put "I wish I was a boy". My teacher awwed at it and nothing came up after that. I was a self-declared tomboy usually mistook for a boy which i didnt mind so much. I also stole a pair of boys underpants from a shop once too. they were FAR too small but I just really wanted them and i knew my parents probably wouldnt get me them.

Then in yr6 (11yrs old) Puberty talks and all that and i wasnt comfortable but it hadnt clicked properly.

I assumed that every other girl was going through the same turmoil. I though I had to force myself to like make-up and dresses. I tried really really hard to fit in. And it just didnt work. I swapped footy for cheerleading. Jeans for skirts. Went shopping with the girls. It just didnt work.

I must have been 12 or 13 and i found myself researching on the internet ways of getting a penis or being more boyish. And then id never think it again.

Then the inner arguements began to roll in. I was 14. I decided i was androgynous and it fitted for a bit and then the arguements began again a few months later and i decided i was genderless. By now i was 15 and I literally spent weeks aganozing about what was so fundamentally wrong with me. I took no counsel par my thoughts and the internet.

I found transgender. I wasnt NOT happy about it. I tried to find another reason. ANYTHING. ....nothing came up. I had some other issues at the time as well. I had my exams coming up. There was too much to contain within myself, so not long after my 16th birthday, I poured my heart out into a letter and confessed the world to my mother. Who was initially upset and then realised it just "made sense"

Everyone has been okay with it, except my very estranged father and as Dr Suess Said.


Im a very lucky person. I do keep myself to myself. I sometimes wish it had been picked up earlier but I think I caught it early enough for everyone to be okay with it but late enough to learn how the other side have it.

Gentle

I've realized something was wrong as early as about 9 or 10 years old, but couldn't quite realize what it was.  I always preferred playing with the girls over the boys.  Yet, I liked to do things that were both boyish and girlish; playing with hot rod toy cars and Nintendo games along with dolls, watching cartoons of all sorts regardless of what gender the main character was, playing sports outside as well as playing house, etc.   

Right around when I hit puberty, around age 12/13, I started to have conflicting feelings take place, having dreams about being a girl, being uncomfortable and torn between my feelings, and trying as hard as I possibly could to squash them, telling myself "it'll go away if I try hard enough".

For a long time, periods of time went by where I'd just forget about it, presenting as male as possible, and finding ways to enjoy myself.  Thankfully, I've always been level-headed either way.  I never got into drugs, fell into suicidal depression, or found myself getting into deep legal troubles.

Yet this year, after many of these feelings and sensations strongly resurfaced, I finally told myself it's time to accept and embrace who I truly am. 

Even though I haven't been, and can't be, aggressively out and about for practical reasons, all I know is that for the last 6 months, I've been much happier and more comfortable with myself.

As a very young child, I often did played 'girly' games such as dress-up, role-play (not that kind ;) i.e. cooking, tea parties, etc.), and preferred playing with girls. However, as I grew older, I repressed my female tendencies and associated myself with male things, in order to blend in to my bigoted environment.
However, approaching puberty, I came to terms with the fact that I liked guys sexually and romantically, and my feelings towards girls were completely platonic, and that I preferred dressing like girls and doing 'girly' things, and wanting to be able to give birth later in life, feeling no inward feelings of masculinity at all, but wouldn't admit to being trans.
I had to repress these feelings in order to avoid bullying, so I presented myself with more of an agendered and asexual expression, which miraculously got me by.
Being in Amy cadets had it's fair share of hardships, as I had to have short hair in order to adhere to their rules (the fun times were worth it though).
Puberty was a nightmare, as my body became more masculine with my voice deepening, face becoming masculine and hair growing everywhere (one of my biggest source of disphoria), and came to the realisation that I wished I had a girl's body. During my time doing my A Levels,  at first identified as being pangendered, then moved to genderfluid after I realised I preferred spending more time as a pure female. However, by the time I had finished, I had realised that I was actually a fully trans woman , although an untraditional one at that ^_^

So THAT's why I've found myself at Susan's Place for almost two years!

Seriously, it was all over when I took the estrogen and realized how much better it made me feel.  Yup, I'm trans! 

Like 19.  Then I started hrt a year later.  Before then I was kind of obsessed with being normal, I really just wanted to do what  everyone else was doing and the idea of changing sexes was way too far in left field for me to even consider or cross my mind.  But I was and had been experiencing a lot of disconnects in my life that eventually led me down this path of which I'm not finished yet.

For as long as I can remember so when I was 4 or 5 but I didn't really understand it until my late teens.