Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have been working the unofficial greeting crew in order to help the first cries of help from new members joining this site. The thing that tears at my heart the most is the new members who are ready to tell their parents. I would like to be by the side of each and every one of them for that moment but I know it isn't possible. The next best solution I can find is to have a letter the child can give their parents than will do the talking for them when they can't.
This is what I propose but in the many years I worked on the condo news letter I had one hard fast rule. I would do all the work but I had to have at least one proof reader. I ask that you be my proof reader and offer improvements to my writing. Please don't edit the full document and repost it because I would have to take the document apart to find the changes. Just post the updates and I will merge them into the main document and repost it.

To the parents of the child bearing this letter.

The fact that you child is in possession of this letter indicate your child as done a great deal of soul searching as well as a number of internet searches coming to the conclusion that he/she is suffering from a condition called Gender Dysphoria. This means that the gender of the body fails to match the gender identity of the child's mind. You should not draw any conclusions at this point because it will take time in therapy to understand exactly what this means to your child and what the proper path of treatment should be. For the moment as parents, you need to show your child your love and support in dealing with this problem because your child could be feeling embarrassment, fear, depression and is very unsure of the future.

There are some things you need to understand now that will help comfort you and help to deal with the future. This is not your fault or the fault of the child. Our current understanding indicates that this condition is caused by exposure of the brain to the incorrect sex hormones before birth. This locks the gender identity into the brain for life and there is no way to alter it. It is very much like a birth defect but it is inside the brain instead of visible. Some children are aware of this issues as early as three years of age but most everybody figures it out when they hit puberty. The older a child is the more social pressure forces them to attempt to conform to what society expects of them. They act out what society expects from them instead of naturally fitting into the role. Often this results in a great deal of depression and discomfort with their body. It is very possible for you child to be cheerful on the outside but crying on the inside. This isn't a phase your child is going through and the longer it is left untreated, the more remaining childhood will be lost. Children with this condition have to become adults fast because they need to decide if their parents are adult enough to handle information of this nature. Often they make mistakes only to find their parents are far more accepting than they thought. Sometimes they carry this secret to adulthood and may even marry before their feeling can no longer be contained.

There is a study that indicates left untreated, 2 out of 5 children will commit suicide rather than admit to what they perceive to be a failure in life. The only good thing about that statistic is that less than 1 in 400 children is born  with Gender Dysphoria so it isn't very common in the population. As your child has the condition. Treatment is very important to help your child survive.

The treatment your child will require can't be determined without therapy and not everybody takes the same path. All treatment starts with therapy to understand what form the Dysphoria takes. If it appears reassignment is a future option, drugs will be provided that block the production of sex hormones. This will stop the sexual development of the body which will greatly reduce the money, pain and effort that would be required for your child to fit in the opposite role. Should your child find a way to live in the current role, the drugs would be stopped and your child would return to normal development. Your child can't decide to alter their gender until they are considered legally an adult so often the child is allowed to start cross living in the new role long before they are of age. This helps stop the discomfort with their identity, allows them to return to what is left of their childhood and helps them understand what living in the new role will be like. Unfortunately switching roles sometimes brings out the cruelty in the other children resulting in a different type of pain for your child. This is why your love and support will be needed more than ever.

We are a group of people who understand there is no right answer to this question and each person must answer the question with their answer. We don't judge and we understand how very hard this letter has been on you. We are extremely kid safe and the moderators run one of the strictest web sites in the world. Your child will need others who have been through the process of discovery to deal with the feeling that they are all alone in the world. We also welcome adults who want to understand what their child is going through and most of us are willing to answer any questions about our transition or the life style we have chosen. We would like to offer our assistance in guiding through this difficult process and we will not judge you. Most of us have been through this with a parent or loved one and only wish to make the process easer on you and your child.

I think its good...

I'd replace drugs with medication...

Quote
Your child can't decide to alter their gender until they are considered legally an adult so often the child is allowed to start cross living in the new role long before they are of age.

You mean changes like srs instead of gender ? Its possible to have hrt if people are not 18 yet... and even srs in rare cases...

One possibility would be:
Often the child is allowed to start living in the new role.


hugs

Not sure how specific you want me to be. I think you're idea of providing a coming out letter is good. Where written communications is concerned, I've always been taught, the more you write, the less they'll read.

I.e. if you want someone to read everything you write, write as little as possible.

So my first suggestion would be to cut it down to about a third of its current size. Underline or highlight in some way the key points you want them to know. I like to have a bulleted list of points somewhere so they can just run their eye down. Remember, you're dealing with a reluctant reader - someone who doesn't necessarily think they need to know what's written, so asking them to read each paragraph carefully is optimistic. Some will, but others will just scan their eye down the page picking out whatever info happens to grab them.

I could bring my editors pen and slash through words and phrases that could be eliminated or said more efficiently, though I'm not sure if that's what you want.

Quote from: suzifrommd on June 11, 2015, 10:00:47 AM
Not sure how specific you want me to be. I think you're idea of providing a coming out letter is good. Where written communications is concerned, I've always been taught, the more you write, the less they'll read.

I.e. if you want someone to read everything you write, write as little as possible.

So my first suggestion would be to cut it down to about a third of its current size. Underline or highlight in some way the key points you want them to know. I like to have a bulleted list of points somewhere so they can just run their eye down. Remember, you're dealing with a reluctant reader - someone who doesn't necessarily think they need to know what's written, so asking them to read each paragraph carefully is optimistic. Some will, but others will just scan their eye down the page picking out whatever info happens to grab them.

I could bring my editors pen and slash through words and phrases that could be eliminated or said more efficiently, though I'm not sure if that's what you want.

I understand the points you are trying to make and they are valid but I was considering something else when I wrote this.
The person I am writing to had no knowledge of Dysphoria and may just want to bury it under a rug. I need to explain what the child is suffering and how important it is to get them to treatment. In addition I don't want to scare them off. I also want them to know we are willing to help them if needed. This letter runs about a printed page so it's not real large and I stayed away from special markings so a child could cut and paste it into a text editor for printing. This may be our only opportunity to impact the adult so a little heavy on information is better than to little. I am not exactly sure how I could remove 2/3s of the text and still make the impact that needs to be made. I attempted to move the important facts in the top of the document and the less important to the bottom so what they have to read is in the top 1/3.
Also don't forget in some cases the child may be so terrified that they can't say a word in their defense and just may hand this letter to their parents without a word.

I could be wrong but I suspect a parent would pay close attention to the remainder of the document after reading the first few lines. I know if I were in there shoes, and it was my child, i sure would.

Good on ya for being part of the Welcome Wagon! It's awesome that you want to help people with this. Here's a sample of what others have done in this regard. https://www.susans.org/wiki/Category:Family_and_friends

I picked off a typo:

"The fact that you child is in possession of this letter indicate your child has done a great deal of soul searching..."

Keep fighting the good fight!

Hugs, Devlyn

Dena,

I think you are on to a very helpful idea. Your responses to Suzi are well thought out. I had a few thoughts you can take or leave;

1

Like Suzi i am not sure how much specific feedback you want.  I suggest staying away from terms like "normal development" in the second to last paragraph, change "should" to could used twice in the sentence "Should your child...    "lifestyle" in the last paragraph suggests choice and something less to me.  I also might not assume that parents find your letter "hard" on them as some parent may be relieved to understand why their kid is distressed or feels so different.

I do applaud your reaching out and creating another source of help.

Sorry, I will try this again

1)   I suspect (like Suzi)that many parents may not read all the way through. I agree, if it were my child I certainly would. I hate to be negative but have realized that parenting takes no license, training or any letters from psychologists. Without "dumbing down", you may want to look at it from the perspective of a more conservative, less accepting point of view.

2)  Not sure if you could knock out as much as would be comfortable for people to read. However, Suzi may be on to something with regards to bullet points where possible. The US(at least) is not a nation that on the whole, reads comfortably. Many journal outlets and publishers have concluded this and try to break things down like check lists as much as they can without compromising integrity.

3)  It is very good that you use the possessive "your child". I would suggest that your son and/or daughter might make it more personal. After reading that, I see that you may have a better way the and/or and listing both is less personal as well. Not sure if there is a way to make a more blank letter personal in this case. I guess that is what I am trying to ask, is there a possessive set of words that makes them own the love of this child? Sorry, I think there is but I just seem to come up with it.

4)   The use of the phrase "incorrect sex hormone before birth"  is a clear way to describe it. I am not arguing that there is no incorrect sex hormone. However, a reader may feel that someone made a mistake. Since it is before birth, finger pointing would be pretty easy direction to go. Perhaps something about the opposite sex hormone of the birth gender. Pretty clinical, but you seem to want to put them at ease that it is not someone's fault.

Likewise, while I personally think the description of birth defect as an example is fairly accurate; I am not sure if that might fall into a fault thing again (your chromosomes, you were too old, never happened on my side of the family but you had that weird uncle who...)

Please take this all with a grain of salt. It is a very difficult thing to do for oneself. You are trying to do it for someone else, without meeting the parents or even the child. My respect and gratitude goes to you.

With warmth and gratitude,

Joanna

PS sorry I posted that near blank reply

My brain is more like a sieve.

I also wanted to suggest that we add the support group for families. As you suggested, we are concerned about the trans person but most of us have had to come out to someone. I imagine most of us have thought about how the people hearing this felt too. I guess I would love the parents to not feel vilified or unsupported. More salt or more 2 cents.

Thanks,

Joanna

CHANGE LOG
Laura_7 Both changes made but as SRS before 18 is rare I just left it at 18. That may also soften the blow a bit to the parents a bit.

Suzifrommd I am discovering that this letter is now targeting a group I hadn't intended. It serves better when use in cases where the parent is already aware of the child's desires and for some reason refuses to seek treatment. In this role it might even need to be longer to break down the parent's defenses. I suspect the other letters already posted may be better for the initial news.

Devlyn Marie I really haven't explored this website very well as I came here for the voice information and then fell into greeting and problems. Both these task consume most of my time so thanks for the heads up. Typo is corrected.

Tessa James Sometimes my hands get out of sync with my brain and I produce some real strange text. I have tried reworking all three items as per your suggestions.

Joanna As I mentioned to Suzi, after using the letter a few time, I found the target was different that originally intended and cutting it down would be a problem. When settling a new world, producing a new population will not be a problem because it can be done in 9 months by unskilled labor :)
I addressed #4 with a wording change
I did review all your comments but currently it's not clear what the changes I could make.
Added that they can communicate with parents dealing with the same problem.

Thank you for your input so far and I will watch this thread should you have any additional idea.


To the parents of the child bearing this letter.

The fact that you child is in possession of this letter indicate your child has done a great deal of soul searching as well as a number of internet searches coming to the conclusion that he/she is suffering from a condition called Gender Dysphoria. This means that the gender of the body fails to match the gender identity of the child's mind. You should not draw any conclusions at this point because it will take time in therapy to understand exactly what this means to your child and what the proper path of treatment should be. For the moment as parents, you need to show your child your love and support in dealing with this problem because your child could be feeling embarrassment, fear, depression and is very unsure of the future.

There are some things you need to understand now that will help comfort you and help to deal with the future. This is not your fault or the fault of the child. Our current understanding indicates that this condition is caused for some unknown reason by exposure of the brain to the incorrect sex hormones before birth. This locks the gender identity into the brain for life and there is no way to alter it. It is very much like a birth defect but it is inside the brain instead of visible. Some children are aware of this issues as early as three years of age but most everybody figures it out when they hit puberty. The older a child is the more social pressure forces them to attempt to conform to what society expects of them. They act out what society expects from them instead of naturally fitting into the role. Often this results in a great deal of depression and discomfort with their body. It is very possible for you child to be cheerful on the outside but crying on the inside. This isn't a phase your child is going through and the longer it is left untreated, the more remaining childhood will be lost. Children with this condition have to become adults fast because they need to decide if their parents are adult enough to handle information of this nature. Often they make mistakes only to find their parents are far more accepting than they thought. Sometimes they carry this secret to adulthood and may even marry before their feeling can no longer be contained.

There is a study that indicates left untreated, 2 out of 5 children will commit suicide rather than admit to what they perceive to be a failure in life. The only good thing about that statistic is that less than 1 in 400 children is born  with Gender Dysphoria so it isn't very common in the population. As your child has the condition. Treatment is very important to help your child survive.

The treatment your child will require can't be determined without therapy and not everybody takes the same path. All treatment starts with therapy to understand what form the Dysphoria takes. If it appears reassignment is a future option, medication will be provided that block the production of sex hormones. This will stop the sexual development of the body which will greatly reduce the money, pain and effort that would be required for your child to fit in the opposite role. Should your child find a way to live in the current role, the drugs would be stopped and your child would develop as their birth gender. Your child can't decide on gender reassignment surgery until they are considered legally an adult so often the child is allowed to start cross living in the new role long before they are of age. This helps stop the discomfort with their identity, allows them to return to what is left of their childhood and helps them understand what living in the new role will be like. Unfortunately switching roles sometimes brings out the cruelty in the other children resulting in a different type of pain for your child. This is why your love and support will be needed more than ever.

We are a group of people who understand there is no right answer to this question and each person must answer the question with their answer. We don't judge and we understand how this letter might have impacted you. We are extremely kid safe and the moderators run one of the strictest web sites in the world. Your child will need others who have been through the process of discovery to deal with the feeling that they are all alone in the world. We also welcome adults who want to understand what their child is going through and most of us are willing to answer any questions about our transition or how we became comfortable with our dysphoria. You may also have discussions with other parents dealing with the same issue. We would like to offer our assistance in guiding through this difficult process and we will not judge you. Most of us have been through this with a parent or loved one and only wish to make the process easer on you and your child.

First, I think its good you take the time and help others... *hugs*


after giving it a bit more time, here are a few things that might make a bit of a change:

Our current understanding indicates that this condition is caused for some unknown reason by exposure of the brain to the incorrect sex hormones before birth. This locks the gender identity into the brain for life and there is no way to alter it.
adding this might be a bit more graphic:
There are parts of the brain different in women and men. This condition causes a mismatch, in individual stages, between brain and body with the identity anchored in the brain being the decisive factor.


There is a study that indicates left untreated, 2 out of 5 children will commit suicide rather than admit to what they perceive to be a failure in life. The only good thing about that statistic is that less than 1 in 400 children is born  with Gender Dysphoria so it isn't very common in the population.

there are children reading this, wanting to give it to parents...
one suggestion to not bring up thoughts could be:
There are many studies showing that much depression and unhappiness can be avoided if Gender disphoria is treated correctly.

Since a high rate even thinks about ending their lifes, there are helplines meanwhile, but a correct treatment has to be implemented.


All treatment starts with therapy to understand what form the Dysphoria takes.
therapy might infer someone influencing the child...
a suggestion could be:
Treatment usually consists of therapists aquainted with the subject help the child uncover what they feel and what form the Dysphoria takes.

As your child has the condition. Treatment is very important to help your child survive.
a suggestion could be:
As your child has the condition, treatment is very important to help your child survive.

Should your child find a way to live in the current role, the drugs would be stopped and your child would develop as their birth gender.
imo this infers they could be directed in this way by someone...
a suggestion could be:
Should your child desire to live in the current role,

This helps stop the discomfort with their identity, allows them to return to what is left of their childhood and helps them understand what living in the new role will be like.
Afterwards an addition could be:
Some people compare it to a male/female twin.


hugs