Susan's Place Transgender Resources

i've had a situation for the past, idk, few weeks. i'm starting to become therapy immune. every time i go in, i leave with an even bigger hole in me. since i started on an AA, its been grand for the first couple of weeks, than i started dropping lower and lower and now idk what to do anymore. i talked it out but i left feeling empty. i still hang on to my former, and i think its because i'm afraid to change, i might lose myself, so i'm starting to build immunity to stop myself from changing. idk, seems like i'm harming myself more than helping. I don't want to think I have this. during my life, I've been force to move over and over and over again, no one wanted me, I barely had any lasting relationships. I feel like imma lose all control, people who I don't even know who hate me already will hate me even more. its really frustrating.

When I started therapy way back when, I feared they might make the woman in me go away. I decided if they made me happy in life, that would be an acceptable trade off. I didn't like the idea but I understood I needed to be honest with the doctor and do everything required for treatment.

I have only learned in the last few months that we are the way we are because our brain is different and there is no way to change it. All the fears I had years ago could never happen and my fears were unfounded. I did get rid of a huge amount of pain and I opened my eyes to other possibilities I could live but in the end, what I knew to be my destiny before therapy came to be true. My mind is now pain free, happy, and female. It was a hard battle to get there but worth every minute of it.

its not the fear I might be forced to stay a male. its my unconsciousness that's interfering. deep down, I know who and what I am. its just if I change, all my past knowledge, experience and my life would just vanish and I forget where I came from. the old saying "never ever forget where you came from" holds more value to me now than anything. sure my roots are filled with misery, blood, pain and sorrow so large it would crush mountains and put gravity to shame, but its still me. I just don't want to lose that and I have this sinking feeling in might forget. I know it's irrational

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Echo,

That sounds terrible. We are so complicated with ourselves, aren't we? I work in the arts and like a superstitious sports player am always worried I will change something and my creativity will go away.  I have suffered terrible nightmares and night terrors for years but always worried if I got to the bottom of it, I would lose the ability to stay imaginitive and original. Irrational.

I can't really give you advice. I can be around off and on and able to listen and empathize. I think we often know what we should do and put blocks up in our own way. I hope you can find your way around them. Or you can have some of us help you to see you can just walk around them.

With warmth,

Joanna

yes but if we weren't so complicated, than there's really no reason for existence than. I've been raised as a scapegoat. to shoulder the burdens of everyone and everything. when I crash from the weight, I'm hated because no one else will burden this. if I change, the hate I get will only grow thus fuels my dislike towards humanity itself might turn to pure hatred. yes believe it or not, I have a severe distaste for humanity. however I've started growing a heart and have become more sympathetic. no so much I'd stop and help an old lady (mean I know) but enough I'd take notice. its all irrational and frustrating. everything keeps changing around me. and I keep getting surprised with it that I get confused. I wish everything could stay they same but the change is just so noticeable, I'm becoming afraid and its almost impossible to scare me

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I still have all of me and I didn't lose anything other than through the age faded memory. While you do let go of the old life, for the new one, the memories of the old life remain. I can still recall my playmate from age 3, the eye surgery at age 4, walking along snow piled along the road that was taller than I was and the painful memories of the life that got me here. The only thing that is missing is the pain from the painful memories. If you are losing the memories of the pain, that indicates you are making great progress and are becoming one with all you memories that will form the new you. The point of therapy is to get rid of all the bad emotional baggage so you are happy in your new life. You shouldn't fear this process

For me, this took place in my second year of cross living. Why I hung on to the discomfort so long, I don't know but some of the reason may have been I couldn't believe I was getting what I wanted after all these years

maybe therapy just isn't correct for me right now. I can get over my dislike for humanity since I have to be in their presence 24/7 365 days a year. I just don't feel happy anymore and maybe that's do to my impatience growing again. I'm taking on so many things such as I just started working for the first time , I can now go back to school, I was approved for hrt but only because I took desperate measures. things are changing to fast for me and my normal every day mediocre life took a Topsy Turvy turn. I've never been happy, well I've experienced happiness but it always gets snatched away and I'm left in a null, empty state so I learned not to get happy. if I change, I fear my happiness will be ripped away again. sry, I know I'm being a pain again

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Going thorough the transition you find true happiness. It comes from inside you and nobody can steal it away from you. Yes you will still get depressed when something bad happens to you but when the depression fades the happiness will return. I am 33 years post surgical and walking around the neighborhood I have a smile on my face just because I am happy to be alive. The only way to reach this point is to get rid of the pain from the past so you live in the present and the future.

I lived with the pain of not being able to do anything about my transsexualism for about 15 years. I know some people have far more pain than that but it was enough for me and almost ended up costing me my life. Therapy was able to deal with that pain before I had surgery so I faced a new life pain free. The real bonus was what the therapy did for me and the surgery was the icing on the cake.

It is very uncomfortable dealing with that pain and I almost quit therapy because I felt like a fake. For some reason I was able to block enough of the doubt that I continued remained in therapy and as the result I found what everybody is looking for.

Echo,

I think therapy is often right/good for us, even when it does not seem so(perhaps more so then). Not trying to be contrary.

I get what you mean about never being happy. I have experienced joy and a few happy moments but they always retreat. It is in a heightened moment. Happy is just walking down the street or doing dishes. Every day life. Like Dena, I have a few years on you. Unlike Dena, I only just came to my realizations in the last 5-6 months. I am pre nearly everything still. Looking to electrolysis(just did a consult) and HRT testing and low starts in another month or so.

However, just admitting who I am has allowed me to find happier plain moments in my life. I understand many of your feelings have sympathize. I too feel detached and find it easy to distrust and resort to dislike and hate of humanity. Life does become easier when we can forgive them and try to avoid the negative.

How all of that is done, changes from person to person. The couple of things I would suggest if I can is to risk. Risk feeling when you get the chance. Risk being happy. Risks often fail. However without the risk, you become more and more desensitized.

You are in a rough patch. I am so sorry. You have support here. Continue to reach out and choose what works for you.

With warm thoughts,

Joanna

I understand many of your feelings have sympathize.

What am I writing. That's why I usually proof my posts 2 or 3 times. Meant to say ...and can sympathize.

:embarrassed:

Joanna

I see my therapist tomorrow and and I'm debating whether or not to cancel. idk, my perception is what I see. sure I've had a lot of happy times, but more harsher times. I've just barely gotten to the point I can start recovering and everyone feared I may never make it, and the fear is still there especially with my recent decision. I guess unless there's something yo change for, I'd constantly be afraid of the inevitable

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Please keep your appointment because you are making progress. Therapy isn't easy or fun but it's needed to deal with the issues that would result in our SRS becoming a failure. Of the people I have known to have adjustment problems after surgery, the problem was cause by shorting the therapy process.

idk what to say though. I feel like I'm wasting his time. I take every advise he gives me seriously so its not a lack of trying because I do and I listen to any suggestion or advise and if he says think on it, I do for weeks than bring it up after I have thought about it. seems like imma have to force change upon myself if I'm ever going to get over this funk

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You might print this thread off and bring it in to read. The reason for going to therapy is to deal with any issues in your life and you have expressed a few in this thread.

well he has always wondered what I was doing j far as community communication goes. idk if that's beneficial though since he does know how much i'm struggling. if its beneficial, than I'll print

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Seems like a really good idea. I know, I have taken my computer in and read parts during some of my sessions. I try to keep it a private thing (as in I read it from my laptop and do not hand it over-I don't know if it matters)but I also read from journal entries. I do it so they hear the exact words. Other wise, I worry I will paraphrase and give the wrong idea about something. You might ask ahead of time if that is cool.

I agree with Dena. Keep that appointment. I always find it harder to schedule new ones once cancelled. Don't worry about wasting his time. Even quietness speaks to what is going on.

Good luck. You may have to make your own change. Make it positive for you and your progress. Bridges are pretty hard to rebuild if they have been burned.

With warm thoughts,

Joanna

I wouldn't have posted here if I was worried about privacy.

Fear of Change has haunted me all my life. When at age four when I wanted to be a girl I got the message loud and clear that ain't going to happen. That similar message was delivered to me countless times by parents and others.

Do What You're Told
do what is expected

A few years ago when I finally realized I had to change something about how I was NOT handling being trans I had plenty of what I call the "WTF am I Doing ???" meltdowns. Often brought on before or right after taking any sort of step off the very well worn beaten path called my life. Fueled by my internalized transphobia. Face it, no one in their right mind wants to be trans. Living as a male you know all too well what guys think about "Those" people. And some guys can be really really scary.

Change takes work. A lot of very hard work. THe number one reason why people don't change. All people. THat attitude also brings about the; It is far easier to try to change some other person in your life; attitude. People are always trying to change what others say or feel about something because it bothers them or they cannot understand it.