Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: enigmaticrorschach on July 04, 2015, 08:02:32 PM Return to Full Version
Title: pseudo feeling or real. sometimes I wonder if i am trans (another rant)
Post by: enigmaticrorschach on July 04, 2015, 08:02:32 PM
Post by: enigmaticrorschach on July 04, 2015, 08:02:32 PM
I've had many discussions with my therapist and even some psychiatrist. I keep reading and reading but its all a blur. sometimes I wonder if my disconnection from my male self has somehow caused me to fill this way, yet when I act male everyone keeps assuming I'm gay. sometimes I wonder if I am trans or not. I mean with my t level dropping, I feel free and unbounded yet sometimes I think I'm going the wrong way. thoughts like "have you even tried to live as a male? you barely dated so maybe finding someone will help you? or in fact you are gay but in denial?" well I know I'm not gay so that's a strike, but the other 2, not so sure I've done them. idk anymore and my therapist tells me I have to find the answers myself because only I can answer them but really, its all just wrong. if I don't transition, I'll end up dying from sleep deprivation or if I do transition, I'll go crazy because I'll get told "no, your fine" and end up doing something desperate. sometimes I wonder if I'm really experiencing dysphoria over my biology and want it transition or its just some pseudo thing brought on by my severe disconnect to myself. I apologize for the constant ranting lately
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Title: Re: pseudo feeling or real. sometimes I wonder if i am trans (another rant)
Post by: enigmaticrorschach on July 04, 2015, 08:59:57 PM
Post by: enigmaticrorschach on July 04, 2015, 08:59:57 PM
oh as you all know, i never had a male role model in my life, seeing as i was raised by all single moms, my dad dying before i full got to met him so i guess that plays a factor as well.
Title: Re: pseudo feeling or real. sometimes I wonder if i am trans (another rant)
Post by: Echo Eve on July 04, 2015, 09:13:43 PM
Post by: Echo Eve on July 04, 2015, 09:13:43 PM
"my therapist tells me I have to find the answers myself because only I can answer them"
Makes you wonder why we see (and pay) them at all.
I have similar thoughts regarding my gender dysphoria, though I don't articulate them in forums such as these, as that kind of commentary can be destabilising for others. Personally I like deconstructing the how and why of my GD. Many people argue that the how and why isn't as important as simply knowing that you're trans. I don't think such statements are very helpful, because I do have doubts as to the source and nature of my GD, and those thoughts are surely one factor that drives GD. One thing is for sure, and that is there are times when the thought of not transitioning leads me to a very dark place, if you know what I mean. So that's a consideration that's difficult to ignore. That said, I can't help but doubt the idea that transitioning is the only therapeutic path available. Then again, perhaps it's the only path available to us today.
I'm a month into my third round of HRT in four years. Ironically, my on-again-off-again HRT isn't the result of not wanting to transition, but rather a result of numerous external factors (family, friends, workplace, etc.) Hopefully this time I'll continue with my transition (full or otherwise, I'm not sure yet), but whether I'm in the process of transitioning or not, my mind always ends up considering the roots of my GD.
Makes you wonder why we see (and pay) them at all.
I have similar thoughts regarding my gender dysphoria, though I don't articulate them in forums such as these, as that kind of commentary can be destabilising for others. Personally I like deconstructing the how and why of my GD. Many people argue that the how and why isn't as important as simply knowing that you're trans. I don't think such statements are very helpful, because I do have doubts as to the source and nature of my GD, and those thoughts are surely one factor that drives GD. One thing is for sure, and that is there are times when the thought of not transitioning leads me to a very dark place, if you know what I mean. So that's a consideration that's difficult to ignore. That said, I can't help but doubt the idea that transitioning is the only therapeutic path available. Then again, perhaps it's the only path available to us today.
I'm a month into my third round of HRT in four years. Ironically, my on-again-off-again HRT isn't the result of not wanting to transition, but rather a result of numerous external factors (family, friends, workplace, etc.) Hopefully this time I'll continue with my transition (full or otherwise, I'm not sure yet), but whether I'm in the process of transitioning or not, my mind always ends up considering the roots of my GD.
Title: Re: pseudo feeling or real. sometimes I wonder if i am trans (another rant)
Post by: enigmaticrorschach on July 04, 2015, 09:33:03 PM
Post by: enigmaticrorschach on July 04, 2015, 09:33:03 PM
i know, sometimes i wonder why i even still go because its not really effective on me as it was in the beginning. each which way i go, its a double edged sword. i'm happier than i was but i still feel miserable.
Title: Re: pseudo feeling or real. sometimes I wonder if i am trans (another rant)
Post by: JoanneB on July 04, 2015, 10:16:40 PM
Post by: JoanneB on July 04, 2015, 10:16:40 PM
IDK if I would put what I feel as a disconnect from my male self. In fact for most of my life I was very connected to "the male", still am. I call it being a chameleon. I blend in with the guys yet... am not really "like" them. I know it, hope they do not. To that end I overcompensate guy, so my weakness/fatal flaw will not be revealed. This leads and has led to many many years as well as two prior transition "experiments" and many times on/off HRT.
It is a role I am comfortable with, familiar with. Not second nature, First Nature. It takes work to get out of those old habits, ways of seeing the world, especially ways of seeing you. With success comes fear. Upon taking those positive steps to be who you feel to be, you freak. WHY? I managed to get by as a male. I just have to suck it up and forge on.
That is the easy route, the comfortable route, the familiar way home you can do in your sleep. It takes little work, has fears you well know know, understand and know how to cope with. Being trans sucks. Actually doing something about it sucks even more. But, there is the potential for a big pay-day. A life where you really do feel good being in your own skin, can feel joy, a world, a life, you can actually be happy living.
But, TBH... just how many people do you know who actually are happy with their lives? Being who they are? Who cannot dare to think about their deepest darkest secrets much less dare to face them head on? In my experience, from a purely statistical POV, people I know or met that faced their personal beasts are far happier then the average person who never faces their fears in an effort to improve their lives.
It is a role I am comfortable with, familiar with. Not second nature, First Nature. It takes work to get out of those old habits, ways of seeing the world, especially ways of seeing you. With success comes fear. Upon taking those positive steps to be who you feel to be, you freak. WHY? I managed to get by as a male. I just have to suck it up and forge on.
That is the easy route, the comfortable route, the familiar way home you can do in your sleep. It takes little work, has fears you well know know, understand and know how to cope with. Being trans sucks. Actually doing something about it sucks even more. But, there is the potential for a big pay-day. A life where you really do feel good being in your own skin, can feel joy, a world, a life, you can actually be happy living.
But, TBH... just how many people do you know who actually are happy with their lives? Being who they are? Who cannot dare to think about their deepest darkest secrets much less dare to face them head on? In my experience, from a purely statistical POV, people I know or met that faced their personal beasts are far happier then the average person who never faces their fears in an effort to improve their lives.
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on July 04, 2015, 08:02:32 PM
I've had many discussions with my therapist and even some psychiatrist. I keep reading and reading but its all a blur. sometimes I wonder if my disconnection from my male self has somehow caused me to fill this way, yet when I act male everyone keeps assuming I'm gay. sometimes I wonder if I am trans or not. I mean with my t level dropping, I feel free and unbounded yet sometimes I think I'm going the wrong way. thoughts like "have you even tried to live as a male? you barely dated so maybe finding someone will help you? or in fact you are gay but in denial?" well I know I'm not gay so that's a strike, but the other 2, not so sure I've done them. idk anymore and my therapist tells me I have to find the answers myself because only I can answer them but really, its all just wrong. if I don't transition, I'll end up dying from sleep deprivation or if I do transition, I'll go crazy because I'll get told "no, your fine" and end up doing something desperate. sometimes I wonder if I'm really experiencing dysphoria over my biology and want it transition or its just some pseudo thing brought on by my severe disconnect to myself. I apologize for the constant ranting lately
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Title: Re: pseudo feeling or real. sometimes I wonder if i am trans (another rant)
Post by: enigmaticrorschach on July 05, 2015, 05:55:09 AM
Post by: enigmaticrorschach on July 05, 2015, 05:55:09 AM
it just feels like another relapse. I just go and suppress my feelings for another few years, end up doing something stupid again, land myself back onto places I don't need to be in, and just the cycle repeats. others make it seem so simple though I know its hard. I want to be me but I just can't seem to without the feeling of me feeling wrong. sometimes I feel like hacking the bits off and other times its like they are so convenient and feel like they belong there and it doesn't even have to do with me being gender fluid.
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