Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi, my name here is flowers, but real name is michael. I am 55 years old. I have started to see a therapist because i have recently had some troubles in my head regarding my past and future. in this is i  have learned and admitted. I have wanted to be a girl since before i was 12, but society in its closed mindedness, would not allow it. many years i have struggled with these feelings, resorting to crossdressing privately and wishing upon a star. i have always thought i was a freak, a perverted panty fetish, disillusioned, outcast. i have started over in different cities hoping i could stop this madness of crossdressing and sometimes it is arousing. i would use the soft silky feeling panties, bras, lingerie and nighties to sexually satisfy my desires. instantly, feeling depressed, ashamed, and embarressed afterwards. falling into a shell of existence. when i lived alone, i loved being dressed as a woman, yes, all night, wake up and go to work as a guy. living my life on the outside as a guy i should. each time i throw away the articles of clothing, i last a week maybe 2 before i fall and start accumulating more. lately, i am married now 11 years and have an 11 yr old daughter. no worries, i would never harm her or let either of them know my fall from grace. but, lately, my therapist has given me a book to read,and i am finding out its easier now in the world to change, and certain memories are being dug up from when i buried feelings. this book seems to be writen about me and my life. i am a woman in a guys body, but feel it is too late for me. often times i think about suicide, but realize i love my family too much to inflict that kind of trauma. i also feel to scared and do not want to inflict trauma on them as of my wanting to be a girl. there are ways now, that i can "come out". i still go back and forth, like a fish out of water, flip flopping my decisions, fact is i very much always wanted and still do want to be the woman i never could be, but there is my family who will not repeat not understand, and the cost and time factors. i cannot go on like this. my therapist wants to help, knows how i feel. i want to be a transgender woman SO bad, but i lay awake and cry at night, during the day, when ever i can get away without being caught crying. some tough guy huh? i am average build, 5-10, 175, and i still dont know if i could pass. oh i want to so bad. but i am scared to death to come out. sometimes like last night, i had suicidal thoughts again. i cannot, but i still think it. so 1 day i want to move forward with this, then the next i want to bury it all again and keep hidden. i am going crazy here. thanks for reading.

Hello Flowers, a big warm welcome to Susan's

You are not alone, we are here to help you through, many of us are and have been in a similar if not same situation as you.

I can certainly relate, big time. I crossdressed to relieve the anxiety, but knew who I was at around 4... But did the "right" things in others eyes or to seek acceptance (marriage and kids etc.)... very hard to unravel... but for me I must now.

Oh, just a bit of housekeeping to read, will help you around the forum's

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Welcome and I look forward to seeing you about the forum's..

L Katy  :-*

You could have a look here and the link there:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,185857.msg1654924.html#msg1654924

There is a hint to a brochure stating being tg has biological connections...
and there are helplines, please reach out if you feel like it...


hugs

Hi Flowers, welcome to Susan's. it's amazing how transitioning gender issue result in us changing cities. I had to do that several years ago. As Katy pointed out so much of this is similar to what many of us have been through. I remember when I was kid wishing on starts and praying to that I was a girl and fix this so that I would be. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

A hearty welcome to Susan's, Flowers. Many of us have struggled with this but you're not alone. There are resources here which may help sort things out. It's good that you are seeing a therapist.

:)

Hi Flowers  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thank you all for the warm welcome. You are all part of me now. that may sound weird, but I mean it as you are all now part of my life, decisions, and attitudes. thats a good thing.lol. I need you. my therapist says I should continue to try coming out, to try letting my wife know something. she thinks its not a good thing for me to go back into the closet and finish my life as I have lived it all these years. my other person inside me needs to come out. she has been waiting a very long time. I cannot tell you how much I want to be a girl/woman. you are all there, you know, or you have been here. but my hardest feat is telling my family, because I know when I do, I will lose them. so my choice is, be who I really want to be and lose my family, or be who I have been pretending to be all these years and keep the loved ones in my family. wow. she also says I have great writing skills, but pfftt.. right now I need love. I need to be held and comforted and guided down the path I need to take, but it is so dark and scary, I don't know if I can take those first few steps. I have decided though, to take hrt and let it do its stuff, and see where that leads me. with hope, I will start to show, and then the questions can be asked and answered. although then, my family will be even more angry for me making up my mind on my own. well, duh. right? remember, I am 55. I can look pretty ( I think), I can reshape my body a bit, I can learn body movement and all else. I get teary eyed just thinking about my selfish wants. anyone live near spooner,wi.? I can use some help.

I'm about 100 miles away. I'm also in my 50's. It can be done and without losing everyone.

my wife is a devout jehova's witness, I have hinted on if I grew boobs and were mtf and she said she would divorce me. I think about suicide daily. I cannot, only because I fear I will not be forgiven by God, otherwise I would have a very long time ago. so, I am left with an empty heart of hope, and many many tears. 100 miles, is not far. I grew up in saint paul, mpls. I been thinking of just disappearing, relocate, and send word and money when I can. then I cry for my daughter, like, how could I do that to her? nothing but tears lately. I wish almost as badly for death as I do for being the girl I am inside.

I don't think I can left off a little firecracker. I think it will need to be a bomb. tell all right away and be done with it, let things happen as they may, be embarrassed, ashamed, and scared, and face up. afterall, I will have my therapist, and any town if need be right?

It sounds like a good time to see a therapist. You may tell your family it is to deal with depression if you want but talking over your gender issues with someone who can help you deal with your family could be very beneficial.

You may lose your wife, or she may be able to understand after hearing from another learned person. You aren't doing anything to your daughter except trying to improve your self to better be able to care for her.