Susan's Place Transgender Resources

For me its a weird feeling, I don't view it as being different because my chemistry is the same as any other female.

Seriously????  ???

It doesn't bother me at all. Sometimes being me is hard, sometimes it seems too hard, but it's always rewarding. Who wants easy?

I don't care at all these days.

I got to that point a long time ago. Now, things are just what they are.

If it didn't bother me, I would not have needed to transition in the first place. 

It has never bothered me, so I didn't really find an option that would fit me. Yeah, being trans can suck and I'm not yet at a point where I can trust that I consistently pass (although it seems to happen more and more), but I've always been one to stay away from mundane ways of living. Not that I'd go out of my way to be trans, but being one doesn't bother me even if it can suck at times. I think it's a valuable part of the great tapestry of human experience and can have valuable additions to how we see the world. That's why I'm not planning to ever be stealth even if I do get to the point where I can consistently pass.

Don't really think of it often now that I know who I really am.  I am just happier now and really enjoy the acceptance of the cis females that are in my life.

If I could choose, I would choose to be cis something.

But I accepted my state. I am exhausted fighting my gender. I have got what I have got and should accept it in order to make best of my life.

Quote from: Jill F on July 13, 2015, 02:44:31 PM
If it didn't bother me, I would not have needed to transition in the first place.

Ah. That's a good point.

I was speaking more about my life after transition.

when I was a teen , I used to get so angry and depressed because I didn't have breasts, now I've got them and no need to stuff. Just that is enough to make me smile.So cool to look in the mirror with a bra on and see flesh hanging out.

Quote from: stephaniec on July 13, 2015, 02:26:49 PM
For me its a weird feeling, I don't view it as being different because my chemistry is the same as any other female.

It definitely bugs me, but I've learned to celebrate my uniqueness.

I think I need another option... as in: it has never bothered me - I think its a priviledge.

because I honestly do.

None.

It did bother me a lot, pre-transition. Started late (35), having been in male roles for a long time. GD surfaced around 32.

36 now - the whole process of rebooting and rebuilding my body, has also refreshed my identity.

I had anticipated that my female identity of a few years would be reinforced - it was already confirmed well enough for me.
---

However, I was still only on the tip of the iceberg. It as if my brain has been jump-started on a cold day.

There is a whole lot about my potential that I am still learning. I have sides, identities - and also - multiple gender identities.
---

So I am rolling with it. Call me androgyne for the gender part.

Does being like this - quite different from 'normal' - bother me?

It excites me and fascinates me far more than that ...

It's not something I think about to be honest. I'm happy being who I am now that I have transitioned as far as I have. It' true I won't be completely happy tell it's finished, but it's not something that makes me bothered that I'm not CIS.
Mariah

I'm happy that I can be a women. cis or trans doesn't matter. I will take trans with some pride on the side  ;D

Not being cis? Never really bothered me at all.. But I also seem to have a different view on being trans to most.

I wish I had been born a cis woman. That bothers me frequently, but not seriously. I can accept that that just didn't happen.

But I am so, so, so glad I was not born a cisgender male. That is totally not who I am.

I wouldn't be the same person at all if I'd been cis, this path moulded who I am, I'd have been raised different, not sent to a technical boys school, probably wouldn't love guitars and cars. I appreciate the unique view we get on life.

For me I would not have had to transition to become who I always knew I was from a very early age.
Yes it means I may not be the person I am now, but then I would have been me and I would not have to unravel the complexity of my life to date, perhaps damaging others lives in the process.
But am I happy? yes
Would I have been happier? probably
Does that make me stronger now? probably
Do I have a more rounded view on humanity? yes

Katy xx

During my more dysphoric moments, yes. In the sense that life would be easier without having to angst over something as fundamental as my gender.

That said, if I were cis I wouldn't have knowledge of gender dysphoria and would therefore be unaware of and take for granted any perceived benefit or privilege of being cis.

Quote from: Jill F on July 13, 2015, 02:44:31 PM
If it didn't bother me, I would not have needed to transition in the first place.

I hadn't thought of it in those terms but I can understand your point. Before I realized that I'm trans I never thought about the cis/trans dichotomy. I didn't know what I was, but I didn't think of myself as cis. At best I thought of myself as doing a particularly poor job of being male. After I realized I certainly didn't consider myself cis. I did, and do, get upset about being perceived as cis-male. I also have no particular desire to be perceived as cis-female. I'm proud of my struggles.

ditto

Quote from: Dee Marshall on July 13, 2015, 09:08:18 PM
At best I thought of myself as doing a particularly poor job of being male.

Hi, Dee. If you don't mind, could you please elaborate on your above comment?

I dont know if not being cis bothers me, being trans doesnt bother me either.
Sure there are things that bother me as a result of both of those things, but... its not those things that bother be.

Eg., Im Mtf so eing reffered to as Male gets to me, but thats a result of not qualifying as fem in the mind of someone ells. Having to shave gets to me a lot too, exspecially when im exspected to just get up and go, and I take longer getting ready then people exspect. And having to tuck to ease body dysphoria.

So adress those issues and not being cis wouldnt be a problemb at all.

The main thing that currently bothers me about not being cis is the pregnancy aspect.  I will most likely never be able to experience that no matter how much I'd love to someday, but I've resigned myself to being satisfied with everything else I can and eventually will change or be able to do.

I'm also of the same mindset that if not being cis didn't bug me, I wouldn't have a need to transition.  My whole life (especially the last few years) I've yearned to be female and have always dreamed of someday waking up as one, so right now I feel as though I've missed out on so many things I'd have wish to experience as female.  None of my childhood or school life will be able to be fondly looked back on through a girl's eyes.  I was always hiding and envious.  I guess the hardest part for me about not being cis is how much I missed out on in my past.  I know I can't change it, but it still feels like I lost so much time and it hurts when I dwell on it.

Speaking as someone who is Pre-Transition and stuck in a place where I can't start, it bothers me immensely. I think about it more than any topic during the day, and any little thing involving gender can set it off. It's probably the reason I can't sleep so well at night as well.

Quote from: Echo Eve on July 13, 2015, 09:27:05 PM
Hi, Dee. If you don't mind, could you please elaborate on your above comment?

Not at all. First you have to understand that I was born in the mid-west US, in 1959, in a working class environment. As a child I cried easily, didn't care for roughhousing and, when I finally lost my temper went no holds barred nuclear. I was very sensitive. In that place and in that time children were pretty androgynous. We all played together, so I didn't get those clues. As I got older I resented having to be the one who had to make the first relationship move. I resented that girls clothes were more varied and attractive. I didn't play the aggressive competitive social games guys were good at, and yet people liked me. I didn't see this as acting like the girls were acting and it wasn't, quite. It was some strange hybrid. I remember thinking that it would all change when the people around me grew up, but it never did.

So, I've had two separate successful careers, kept a marriage going for 34 years and fathered one quite admirable son. I've been successful as a person, but not really as a man. When I've tried to be my actions have been stereotyped, stilted and I haven't liked myself much for what I've had to do. I won't even talk about the number of dangerous hobbies I've had and mostly enjoyed. That seems to be common for MtFs. I guess I just tried too hard and too randomly.

It does not bother me on a daily basis anymore. As teenager I really wanted breasts, to wear the cute outfits and to wear earnings like the girls did. I wanted to develop into a woman.I will never forget, I was 13 and I had to go to a party on a very warm day with my parents and there was a 15 year old girl there and she was wearing this long flowing strapless dress. I so wanted to wear that dress, I so wanted to be her. I think that is the moment that started me down this path, i tried my first female clothing shortly after that.. a pair of black pantyhose, but would be almost 8 years before I started HRT

Today, well I have developed into that woman.. I have 3 holes in each ear and love wearing cute outfits, so I achieved what i wanted. I am a woman, i feel like one,I look like one, i have E flowing through my veins. I also love my breasts.. and to fill a bra with your own flesh is amazing.

The only thing that bothers me about not been cis, is the fact I cant fall pregnant. I want to be mother someday, adoption is my only option which is fine, but I still would loved to have carried a child to term.

yea , the child thing hurts, I was at Target yesterday and this young mother was feeding her 1 month old and kissing her.

It bothers me all the time to the point where it completely consumed me a few years ago. Now all I think about is how much of my life was wasted while I sat in the closet, deprived of information, and wondering why I feel like this. Now it's shifted to how much is being wasted these days because HRT hasn't done anything since I began my medication months ago. It would have been nice to be happy with who I was, to have had a first kiss, to have had self confidence, or to have been loved.

I've been robbed of so much and I'm really unhappy about it. So much so that it has driven me to permanently shelve my current educational goals. I recently decided that I am going to be pursuing a new career that will allow me to fix my body's deficiencies, or I will die trying to make it right.

You asked  :)

After all these years since I transitioned it doesn't bother me much at all that I'm not a cis woman.  My biggest regret was not being able to be pregnant, but on the other hand I've got two wonderful adult children who I love very much so that doesn't worry me so much anymore.  Besides I'm in my 60s so it's grandchildren I'm looking forward to now.

The child thing is interesting, but I lived my life without children either way so for me it really makes no difference

Quote from: stephaniec on July 14, 2015, 01:00:05 PM
The child thing is interesting, but I lived my life without children either way so for me it really makes no difference

I used to day dream about being pregnant back when I was a teenager so I guess it's pretty much been a lifelong thing for me Stephanie.

The body can be partly fixed, but I will always be missing a lot that comes up with growing up as a girl. This part of being trans hurts me more than anything else , it hurts so bad you wouldn't even believe it. Surgeons, hair removal, voice training,and HRT can fix a lot of things, but they cannot take back everything. sorry, I'm crying now

A looooooooottttt.. It would put an end to me being so broke.
It would end all the awkwardness that comes with being trans.
I am not really enjoying being trans since I lose a lot more than if I were cis female.
It is hard... very hard especially when you do not have much friends who can help at least emotionally.
I think this condition has cause me too much damage.
The treatment helps beautifully but sometimes I am reminded about everything and I cry.
You kind of have to forget about being cis or your world tears apart.. at least for me.

But yeah for me I rather just forget about it.. saves a lot of stress

Quote from: rachel89 on July 14, 2015, 07:30:44 PM
The body can be partly fixed, but I will always be missing a lot that comes up with growing up as a girl. This part of being trans hurts me more than anything else , it hurts so bad you wouldn't even believe it. Surgeons, hair removal, voice training,and HRT can fix a lot of things, but they cannot take back everything. sorry, I'm crying now

I totally agree with this. I was just having this conversation with my girlfriend the other day. Yes my present body can be fixed, but nothing is going to ever be able to give me that experience as growing up as...well me. Wholely me. The first time I had a breakdown was partially because of this fact.

-hugs Rachel- I know your pain as well dear, best wishes for you.

Quote from: yurihime on July 14, 2015, 10:09:02 PM
A looooooooottttt.. It would put an end to me being so broke.
It would end all the awkwardness that comes with being trans.
I am not really enjoying being trans since I lose a lot more than if I were cis female.
It is hard... very hard especially when you do not have much friends who can help at least emotionally.
I think this condition has cause me too much damage.
The treatment helps beautifully but sometimes I am reminded about everything and I cry.
You kind of have to forget about being cis or your world tears apart.. at least for me.

But yeah for me I rather just forget about it.. saves a lot of stress

Pretty much. Too much that bothers me.
Knowing before puberty.
I should not let that have happened. As much as it is out of my control... Odd sensation.
ʅ(◔౪◔ ) ʃ   
Out with the old, in with the new !

ditto

It bothers me a lot and I try not to dwell on it. I somehow feel inferior to natural born females, even though I know there is probably not that much difference at the end of it all (surgeries etc). I think a large part of why I feel this way is because I would really like to give birth to my own children. When I told my therapist this she just looked at me with wide eyes totally unsure what to say, because what do you say to fix that? Maybe if it became possible for me this feeling would evaporate, but until then this reallllly just bothers me. Could I just be jealous? I don't even know.

I hear everyone on the whole "I wouldn't be who I was if I was cis" front. But for me, I've had to suffer through a host of mental illnesses that came around purely as a result of the gender incongruence. In that regard, I can easily say it wouldn't be a choice for me to be cis. The pros of growing up trans don't outway the cons for me. Maybe it's easier for others to deal with it but I think it about it pretty frequently, as someone who has had to make frequent use of mental healthcare (and often not the understanding kind).

Quote from: Wynnflaeth64 on July 18, 2015, 10:34:48 PM
I hear everyone on the whole "I wouldn't be who I was if I was cis" front. But for me, I've had to suffer through a host of mental illnesses that came around purely as a result of the gender incongruence. In that regard, I can easily say it wouldn't be a choice for me to be cis. The pros of growing up trans don't outway the cons for me. Maybe it's easier for others to deal with it but I think it about it pretty frequently, as someone who has had to make frequent use of mental healthcare (and often not the understanding kind).

I know how you feel. It makes you tougher in some respects, probably more compassionate in many cases as well. I'd still rather be cis and have a whole lot less of a hassle. On the other hand I wouldn't be as motivated, and would be more content with being an average person with a nice job. Recently I felt motivated enough to solve trans problems that I decided on a new career path in medical science.

Quote from: rachel89 on July 14, 2015, 07:30:44 PM
The body can be partly fixed. Surgeons, hair removal, voice training,and HRT can fix a lot of things, but they cannot take back everything.

I chose the 1st option. In fact it bothers me EVEN MORE than the 1st option's description! I'd say: It is driving me completely insane. I am really beginning to lose my mind over it.

I am quoting Rachel's  comment because it expresses what is a very sad reality for many of us:
In this day an age, those who can afford to pay the very expensive MTF-catering surgeons and technicians (FFS, VFS, SRS, body surgeries just as BA and so many others, electrolysis, even personal fashion and style assistants and makeup artists and hairdressers) are the ones who are succeeding. Just look at any trans celebrity, what would they look like if they couldn't afford all those things like many of us just can't? Did you watch Caitlyn's hairdo at the event where she told the audience that people should accept others as they are? Do you think just any regular Jane would be able to afford such a hairdo?

Some of us are stuck in a catch-22 situation that goes like this:

I cannot get work to be able to finance the required surgeries because 1) I just can't and won't do it presenting as a so-called male 2) Even if I tried to do that illogical thing, they wouldn't hire me, because even before starting transition I looked too weird to be hired as a "male" and almost nobody wanted to hire me, so now I look just beyond weird, it is practically impossible for me to be even taken seriously in a job interview.

I would need the forehead and jaw surgery at the very least, to feel confident enough to look for a job as a woman in person (I am also anti-social by nature to boot, any place with more than three people together makes me feel really nervous and I start sweating and panicking), and actually be credible. And my voice also sucks, but I am not sure how effective VFS would be for me, since my problem isn't pitch at all, it is 100% resonance-related and from what I've heard, this surgery at its current state, is way more focused on raising the pitch than altering one's resonance and getting rid of those nasty male under/over tones.

So I cannot get the surgeries I need because I can't pay for them, and I can't make the money to pay for them because I just can't work as an in-between person, in a job market where one has to clearly be either a man or a woman.

Bottom line, not being cis totally sucks for me and what I mentioned is only the tip of the iceberg, there's tons of other issues, because what surgery can do is very limited (what about hands, feet, ribcage, height, bone structure, muscle shape and size?) not to mention the past, one can never mention one's past as a so-called "girl" because it would have to be an elaborate string of lies that one could never prove anyways. Not to mention having a cute and hot-looking kid sister, and an older one, the first just married, the 2nd married and with kids already.

But that's just me. For all those who feel OK by not having been born cis, more power to you, I wish I had the same mindset and positive attitude as yours. I really do, for real. Then I surely wouldn't need my BF to uplift my spirits on a daily basis as well as taking anti-depressants and almost never going out for fear of getting stared at or god forbid, even confused for a man!

Cheers

Bibi B.

It bothers me to an extreme. I will never know what it is like to carry a child and that bothers me.

I tolerated being a man for 25 years, now i accept being a trans women. But i will always wish to bi cis

Quote from: iKate on July 20, 2015, 01:00:37 PM
It bothers me to an extreme. I will never know what it is like to carry a child and that bothers me.

I hate that, too. I feel like that's a piece of womanhood I'll never be able to be part of.

Thought that's really not about being trans. There are a lot of cis women who will never carry a child for all sorts of reasons. It's more about being infertile. There are a lot of reasons why women are infertile. Being trans is just one of them.

Quote from: suzifrommd on July 21, 2015, 10:08:25 AM
I hate that, too. I feel like that's a piece of womanhood I'll never be able to be part of.

Thought that's really not about being trans. There are a lot of cis women who will never carry a child for all sorts of reasons. It's more about being infertile. There are a lot of reasons why women are infertile. Being trans is just one of them.

That is true, but I have three young children and the attachment to them is very intense. I was there throughout the entire pregnancy, watching them move and progress and I was there every day in the NICU for a whole month. I held my cousin's three week old baby the other day and the feeling of magic just came back. That new baby smell (not diapers!) for example.

My kids absolutely enjoy being close to me. They sit not only next to me but must cozy up right next to me when I'm sitting anywhere. They are that close to me.

And this feeling of closeness to my children and children in general has grown significantly since I started transition. I mean like literally a thousand times. Could be the E, could be other things.  I feel later on I may adopt as a result.

I have lived about half my life in each role and my viewpoint has changed over time. Before SRS I really wanted to be a CIS woman and would have given almost anything to be one. Sometime after surgery and I am not sure when because I haven't thought much about it for a long time, my attitude has changed. Yes, I still want children in my life and it would have been nice to have developed socially as a girl instead of trying to do it at age 63, but all those memories that I would lose with a CIS life style have become to valuable to lose. If the devil offered me a CIS style now, I would pass on the offer without a moment of thought. I have become a far better person as the result of a hard life than I ever would have become with a life with everything and I like what I have become.

Quote from: Dena on July 21, 2015, 10:26:42 AM
I have lived about half my life in each role and my viewpoint has changed over time. Before SRS I really wanted to be a CIS woman and would have given almost anything to be one. Sometime after surgery and I am not sure when because I haven't thought much about it for a long time, my attitude has changed. Yes, I still want children in my life and it would have been nice to have developed socially as a girl instead of trying to do it at age 63, but all those memories that I would lose with a CIS life style have become to valuable to lose. If the devil offered me a CIS style now, I would pass on the offer without a moment of thought. I have become a far better person as the result of a hard life than I ever would have become with a life with everything and I like what I have become.

yea, I like who I am

Zero percent. It used to be a thing before I transitioned but I accepted myself and was no longer in denial. Now after a week of my FFS procedure, I know sooner than later I'll be more confident with a more feminine face so not being cis is even less of a concern.

I don't know if I thought of it in that way until the last 6 months or so.

I now know that I was pretty depressed a lot of the time. I am sure there are multiple reasons but I feel dysphoria is at the root of much of it. I think I felt like Dee suggested that I did a bad job of being a male.

I am coping better and forget for hours at a time. However, not on hormones yet, I feel I cannot really answer some of poll questions accurately.

Joanna

Joanna, realizing that I'm trans was such a relief! Much of my depression and dysphoria went on hold with that realization. I didn't even worry overmuch about having to tell people. For a month or two after I started HRT I lived in such euphoria! Some things, not trans related, went wrong about then and those, coupled with my spouses difficulty believing, have made the last many months a bit tougher. I've been on HRT for almost 11 months now. The outside issues have cleared up, not entirely to my satisfaction. My spouse has begun to believe although it still disturbs her. I made the mistake for much of that time of trying to ease her mind, making promises it's impossible to keep. In many ways it's like ripping off a bandaid. Going very slowly benefits no one. I've had to be quite firm at times and that's not something that comes naturally to me. I don't know that your trials will be much like mine. I know little about you. All I can suggest is to be strong and know that you can get through and we're all here to help. It's a hard road, but very rewarding, and it's the only road available to most of us.

I don't know how to answer this, like it bothers me in the sense of having to go through all this not being able to have kids, dealing without people's negative viewpoints etc etc. Though I think if i ignore all of that kinda stuff it really makes no difference to me personally, it's just other people that make it a focus for me if that makes sense lol.

I hate having to deal with all the extra financial burdens of being transgender. As for having kids... there's another burden I can do without. Whether man or woman, if I ever decided I wanted kids I'd much sooner adopt than contribute to the population problem.