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Title: Thank you for your inspiration!
Post by: Sondra Marie on July 18, 2015, 05:41:32 PM
Post by: Sondra Marie on July 18, 2015, 05:41:32 PM
Hi everyone!
My name is Sondra Marie, Ondi for short, (well not legally :/ but it makes me happy when I think about being called that) and I'm 23. I'm here, looking for support and friends and the stories I've read here have been so inspirational and helpful in realizing that I'm not alone because sometimes it feels that way. Your thoughts have really put my feelings into perspective so I want to thank you.
If you're interested, here's a little bit about my journey. In the past, the thought always popped into the back of my head, "i wish, so much, that I had been born a girl, but the coin was tossed, and I lost. What can you do?" Life went on. It was not terribly debilitating but it was always there, festering. I wore girl pants all through high school and had long bleached white hair that I wore in a ponytail sometimes and my grandpa always said I looked like a girl to be mean (he would die if he knew it made me happy). When I saw women I felt envious but I kept moving forward, living with my manhood. My feelings were so confusing and I never wanted to accept them. It has continuously progressed into something more real and defining. In the last couple of months, this thing in the back of my mind has turned into a crushing obsession. Am I a woman? Yes, no, I don't know. My mind and body are at odds. How can I be a woman when I'm not? When I look in the mirror I get this surreal feeling like I'm not myself. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. If follows me everywhere, taunting me at work while I'm trying to be productive, and it follows me home every day but I've decided to turn around and embrace it which has at least given be some small amount of peace.
I've been talking to a therapist. My mom knows (she's the best and so supportive! :D). I will be telling my girlfriend of 5 years next week and I'm soooo terrified of loosing her, Ahhhh! sooo terrified I want to cry. I love her so much and I'm scared, so I need you girls!!! People who have been through it and made it out happier and stronger! And this is why I've joined you here. I'm so anxious and fearful of how she'll react but I've come to accept that this is who I am. She would have found out eventually and I just don't want it to be when we have kids and a house, and our lives are rooted.
On a softer note... If you're still reading, thank you so much!! You're a sweetheart for listening to me rant. If you'd like to know who I am, Ondi, as a person, I love playing the piano and making electronic music and sound design (it's my favorite thing to talk about). I am an electrical engineer and math is my best friend! I love my car, 2015 sti with a cat back and cold air intake WHOOH! it sounds like an angel :)! I love going for walks during the BEAUTIFUL New Mexico sunsets. And I love Susan's place because when I'm down, I can always come here and find something inspirational to make me feel better.
Thanks again, sooo much, for listening to me rant! It's exhilarating. ^.^
-Ondi
My name is Sondra Marie, Ondi for short, (well not legally :/ but it makes me happy when I think about being called that) and I'm 23. I'm here, looking for support and friends and the stories I've read here have been so inspirational and helpful in realizing that I'm not alone because sometimes it feels that way. Your thoughts have really put my feelings into perspective so I want to thank you.
If you're interested, here's a little bit about my journey. In the past, the thought always popped into the back of my head, "i wish, so much, that I had been born a girl, but the coin was tossed, and I lost. What can you do?" Life went on. It was not terribly debilitating but it was always there, festering. I wore girl pants all through high school and had long bleached white hair that I wore in a ponytail sometimes and my grandpa always said I looked like a girl to be mean (he would die if he knew it made me happy). When I saw women I felt envious but I kept moving forward, living with my manhood. My feelings were so confusing and I never wanted to accept them. It has continuously progressed into something more real and defining. In the last couple of months, this thing in the back of my mind has turned into a crushing obsession. Am I a woman? Yes, no, I don't know. My mind and body are at odds. How can I be a woman when I'm not? When I look in the mirror I get this surreal feeling like I'm not myself. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. If follows me everywhere, taunting me at work while I'm trying to be productive, and it follows me home every day but I've decided to turn around and embrace it which has at least given be some small amount of peace.
I've been talking to a therapist. My mom knows (she's the best and so supportive! :D). I will be telling my girlfriend of 5 years next week and I'm soooo terrified of loosing her, Ahhhh! sooo terrified I want to cry. I love her so much and I'm scared, so I need you girls!!! People who have been through it and made it out happier and stronger! And this is why I've joined you here. I'm so anxious and fearful of how she'll react but I've come to accept that this is who I am. She would have found out eventually and I just don't want it to be when we have kids and a house, and our lives are rooted.
On a softer note... If you're still reading, thank you so much!! You're a sweetheart for listening to me rant. If you'd like to know who I am, Ondi, as a person, I love playing the piano and making electronic music and sound design (it's my favorite thing to talk about). I am an electrical engineer and math is my best friend! I love my car, 2015 sti with a cat back and cold air intake WHOOH! it sounds like an angel :)! I love going for walks during the BEAUTIFUL New Mexico sunsets. And I love Susan's place because when I'm down, I can always come here and find something inspirational to make me feel better.
Thanks again, sooo much, for listening to me rant! It's exhilarating. ^.^
-Ondi
Title: Re: Thank you for your inspiration!
Post by: Yenneffer on July 18, 2015, 06:06:56 PM
Post by: Yenneffer on July 18, 2015, 06:06:56 PM
Hey hugs and welcome ❤️
Title: Re: Thank you for your inspiration!
Post by: Laura_7 on July 18, 2015, 06:18:19 PM
Post by: Laura_7 on July 18, 2015, 06:18:19 PM
Hello and welcome :)
Your heart is amazing Yenneffer :)
Ondi you might have a look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077
Some people compare it to a male/female twin... they will be basically then same, with the same sense of humour...
some people come out via a letter, or via text... and show some materials like vids later...
I'd say just take the time you need, but keep at it...
hugs
Your heart is amazing Yenneffer :)
Ondi you might have a look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077
Some people compare it to a male/female twin... they will be basically then same, with the same sense of humour...
some people come out via a letter, or via text... and show some materials like vids later...
I'd say just take the time you need, but keep at it...
hugs
Title: Re: Thank you for your inspiration!
Post by: Mariah on July 18, 2015, 06:26:40 PM
Post by: Mariah on July 18, 2015, 06:26:40 PM
Hi Ondi, welcome to Susan's. Congrats on your mom supporting. Your among friends now. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
Mariah
Things that you should read
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Title: Re: Thank you for your inspiration!
Post by: V M on July 18, 2015, 07:03:03 PM
Post by: V M on July 18, 2015, 07:03:03 PM
Hi Ondi :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Thank you for your inspiration!
Post by: Yenneffer on July 18, 2015, 07:10:50 PM
Post by: Yenneffer on July 18, 2015, 07:10:50 PM
Quote from: Laura_7 on July 18, 2015, 06:18:19 PMaww hugs thank you here's on for you Laura 💖
Hello and welcome :)
Your heart is amazing Yenneffer :)
Ondi you might have a look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077
Some people compare it to a male/female twin... they will be basically then same, with the same sense of humour...
some people come out via a letter, or via text... and show some materials like vids later...
I'd say just take the time you need, but keep at it...
hugs
Title: Re: Thank you for your inspiration!
Post by: Laura_7 on July 18, 2015, 07:15:44 PM
Post by: Laura_7 on July 18, 2015, 07:15:44 PM
Quote from: Yenneffer on July 18, 2015, 07:10:50 PM
aww hugs thank you here's on for you Laura 💖
Thank you, here's one for you too 💖
:)
*hugs*
Title: Re: Thank you for your inspiration!
Post by: Kellam on July 18, 2015, 07:16:15 PM
Post by: Kellam on July 18, 2015, 07:16:15 PM
Well there you go, you're now inspiring people yourself! Welcome!
Title: Re: Thank you for your inspiration!
Post by: Sondra Marie on July 18, 2015, 09:10:14 PM
Post by: Sondra Marie on July 18, 2015, 09:10:14 PM
I really appreciate all the kind welcomes!! It's good to know there's a place I can go to talk about these things judgement free.
Thanks for the advice and link Laura! I love her family and really hope they aren't the reason we go our separate ways. But I think, no matter what we'll always be good friends. I will likely write a letter and give it to her after we talk in person so she can have some time to digest what I've told her. I will be telling her next Friday after my appointment with my therapist but Its getting increasingly difficult to go to my appointments without telling her where I am. I just feel so horrible not being honest about where I am.
-Ondi
Thanks for the advice and link Laura! I love her family and really hope they aren't the reason we go our separate ways. But I think, no matter what we'll always be good friends. I will likely write a letter and give it to her after we talk in person so she can have some time to digest what I've told her. I will be telling her next Friday after my appointment with my therapist but Its getting increasingly difficult to go to my appointments without telling her where I am. I just feel so horrible not being honest about where I am.
-Ondi
Title: Re: Thank you for your inspiration!
Post by: katrinaw on July 19, 2015, 06:42:32 AM
Post by: katrinaw on July 19, 2015, 06:42:32 AM
A big warm welcome to Susan's Ondi
So happy that you have the support of your Mom and are seeing a therapist...
Its always hard telling people close to you, especially where there is a love bond, I wish you well xx
I look forward to seeing you about the forum's
L Katy :-*
So happy that you have the support of your Mom and are seeing a therapist...
Its always hard telling people close to you, especially where there is a love bond, I wish you well xx
I look forward to seeing you about the forum's
L Katy :-*
Title: Re: Thank you for your inspiration!
Post by: Rachel on July 19, 2015, 04:43:19 PM
Post by: Rachel on July 19, 2015, 04:43:19 PM
Welcome to Susan's.