Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Katelyn on July 23, 2015, 11:14:22 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Feeling pathetic and disappointed because a part of me keeps on fighting me
Post by: Katelyn on July 23, 2015, 11:14:22 AM
Post by: Katelyn on July 23, 2015, 11:14:22 AM
First of all, I'm finally in situations that allow me to dress extensively, and with other more accepting (and/or tolerant) people.
However, I have a enemy that I have to deal with and it's either my "male side", ego, or something else.
Its like its trying to fight back against my wishes to be and live as a woman.
After two or so hours of dressing, a part of me starts fighting me and my feminine feelings and even at times makes me feel like a male. It makes me feel weak and even makes me question why I want to be a woman. It tries to get me to undress. It even goes as far as to give me pain (usually around my neck and top of head.) I've been able to "shake it off" temporarily by going to a private area and "acting super aggressively" for a half a minute to a minute to get the energy out, which brings back my natural femaleness and allows me to see myself as female again and feel good.
It's like the male ego part of me is trying to fight me, and I don't want it but it doesn't want me to be a woman. I don't know if it is that or just the testosterone. I really hope it is just the testosterone, because then It would go away with anti-androgen pills.
I'm the kind of person where seeing myself and/or my body as a woman is important when I dress. If that ability goes away, I end up feeling like a "male in a dress" and I don't feel good. I feel incredibly happy when I'm able to see myself and truly believe that I'm a woman.
This to me is more disappointing than being bi-gendered because it actively fights my female self and doesn't allow me to easily dress for more than two or so hours.
Of course, how can I live as a woman if I have a part of me fighting me like this? It's like the farthest I can then identify is as genderqueer. But being genderqueer for me is more of a settlement and is not the happiness that I feel when I'm feeling as and believing that I'm a woman.
However, I have a enemy that I have to deal with and it's either my "male side", ego, or something else.
Its like its trying to fight back against my wishes to be and live as a woman.
After two or so hours of dressing, a part of me starts fighting me and my feminine feelings and even at times makes me feel like a male. It makes me feel weak and even makes me question why I want to be a woman. It tries to get me to undress. It even goes as far as to give me pain (usually around my neck and top of head.) I've been able to "shake it off" temporarily by going to a private area and "acting super aggressively" for a half a minute to a minute to get the energy out, which brings back my natural femaleness and allows me to see myself as female again and feel good.
It's like the male ego part of me is trying to fight me, and I don't want it but it doesn't want me to be a woman. I don't know if it is that or just the testosterone. I really hope it is just the testosterone, because then It would go away with anti-androgen pills.
I'm the kind of person where seeing myself and/or my body as a woman is important when I dress. If that ability goes away, I end up feeling like a "male in a dress" and I don't feel good. I feel incredibly happy when I'm able to see myself and truly believe that I'm a woman.
This to me is more disappointing than being bi-gendered because it actively fights my female self and doesn't allow me to easily dress for more than two or so hours.
Of course, how can I live as a woman if I have a part of me fighting me like this? It's like the farthest I can then identify is as genderqueer. But being genderqueer for me is more of a settlement and is not the happiness that I feel when I'm feeling as and believing that I'm a woman.
Title: Re: Feeling pathetic and disappointed because a part of me keeps on fighting me
Post by: Jacqueline on July 23, 2015, 03:50:25 PM
Post by: Jacqueline on July 23, 2015, 03:50:25 PM
Katelyn,
I'm so sorry. I am not really familiar with your history. It sounds so challenging.
Are you currently in therapy? It seems like that might be valuable.
I recently read an interesting book by Grace Stevens called "No!, Yes! Well Maybe...Living My Truth". She talks about having parts of her brain fighting and hiding and interacting. It is not a how to but a pretty interesting read where I recognized some of what you may be experiencing. My experiences are less tangible.
Perhaps there are others who have experienced similar things.
I hope it gets a little easier. It is easy to fall into the dark parts. I hope you can find some light.
With warmth,
Joanna
I'm so sorry. I am not really familiar with your history. It sounds so challenging.
Are you currently in therapy? It seems like that might be valuable.
I recently read an interesting book by Grace Stevens called "No!, Yes! Well Maybe...Living My Truth". She talks about having parts of her brain fighting and hiding and interacting. It is not a how to but a pretty interesting read where I recognized some of what you may be experiencing. My experiences are less tangible.
Perhaps there are others who have experienced similar things.
I hope it gets a little easier. It is easy to fall into the dark parts. I hope you can find some light.
With warmth,
Joanna