Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Sigyn on July 23, 2015, 03:51:19 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Siggy's Story
Post by: Sigyn on July 23, 2015, 03:51:19 PM
Post by: Sigyn on July 23, 2015, 03:51:19 PM
Well, I've decided to come out of lurking here and place my first post. This may be long, but I'm sure it will be cathartic for me, and hopefully, grant us both some insight.
46, AMAB (as the saying goes), libertarian (coming from John Birch Conservatism), and knew that I wanted to be female from about 8 years old. I still remember that time when my older brother had the iconic Farrah Fawcett poster hung up in his room. I looked at it, and I didn't want to have her as my girlfriend, but I wanted to >be< her. Throughout my life, this has been a recurring theme, looking at models and pinups not with the idea that I guess most males have, but wanting to be them. I kept this hidden of course.
My parents, being not only immigrants from Europe, but being of the "Greatest Generation", were very conservative, having fled the Nazis in their lifetime to come to America. I was born very late in their life, and my siblings are very very much older (I have nephews and nieces older than I am.) My father had six children, four boys and two girls, and we all loved women. My father, landing in West Texas, learned how to be an American in Texas, and despite his conservative-redneck ways told my sisters "You treat your girlfriends like gold, and you and I won't have any problems." (which is what he told the boys as well). I myself was born and raised in Orange County, California, the hotbed of conservativism in the United States these days.
I cross-dressed a bit in high school, and, being the 1980's, was able to get away with wearing makeup going out on Saturday night. My brother, who was in college at the time studying theater, had makeup that I "borrowed" for these purposes. I played this off as being a "new romantic/Punk", which my father very much disapproved of, and my mother was tolerant of.
I wandered a bit through my 20s, being on and off diagnosed with several mental illnesses, and given a cocktail of drugs that left my liver a mess, and essentially losing several years of memories. No therapist, psychologist, nor psychiatrist ever really cared about what was causing all of these issues, but looking back, I wish two things, a) that I could have articulated what I was really feeling rather than just going through the formulaic issues that they did, and b) that I could have gotten out of the mental health trap that I was in. During this time, I graduated junior college with 5 AA degrees, and went to university for Agronomy, which I failed out of due to alcohol abuse. During this time, I hung out with my female classmates rather than the male ones, and by and large they I'm figuring they thought I was a creeper of some sort.
I met a wonderful woman, who, when I was 30 years old, came out to visit me from Montreal, Quebec. She invited me to come back with her, and the next thing I know, I have my car packed and I am heading to Montreal. There I met a psychiatrist who took me off the meds, and had me change my diet, which changed everything. I graduated from university in Quebec, and had decided to proceed to law school. However, the weather of Southern California being what it is, I wanted to come back "home", and we moved to San Diego. While we were in Montreal, my (now) wife was a queer activist in Toronto and Montreal. However, I never really identified as in that group, mainly because I dislike flamboyancy and drawing attention to oneself.
I never fit in with 'the boys' in law school, but I did make a few close friends. We began playing online games together, and as our characters were killing monsters, we would be discussing law, legal terms, arguing, etc. Of course, all my characters were female. My friends thought I was catfishing, but online MMOS is where I could truly be me. I was married happily at this time (and still am very much!) and after law school, began to practice. I thought I had suppressed any hope of transitioning, and stuffed these feelings down as far as they could go.
My first client was of course, friends of mine, who (this is during Prop 8) were a same-sex female couple who wanted to "marry" using contract, property, and trust laws (civil unions wouldn't give them what they wanted). One of the members then asked me to do a name/gender change. I was floored. I had no idea she was trans, as her "passing" ability was amazing. I frankly became jealous. I wanted that. However, by this time I was on the north side of 40, and I figured I was too old to transition well. Furthermore, after years of the abuse I had done to my body, being obese with liver damage and a host of other issues, that window was closed to me, and I would have to accept my fate.
Being an avid practical shooter, I read a book from Kristin Beck "Warrior Princess". What struck me about the book is that not only did she describe everything I had felt growing up in a similar household, but the fact that she transitioned after retiring. I thought that if I could lose the weight, maybe I could transition. This was even further reinforced when we moved to Southern Arizona, Tucson being a very trans-friendly city.
I began to learn all I could about the transitioning process... however I focused mainly on the biochemical and physiological aspects of it, mainly as an academic exercise, as surely my body would never take it. During a discussion with my wife, I corrected her on a number of misassertions she had made about transitioning, and I showed her the research I did. I told her that I knew about it, which turned into my 'coming out' moment. Frankly, it was a lot more comfortable than I thought, but I did realize alea iacta est.
I was prepared for the ->-bleeped-<-storm... the divorce, and I realized that I may have truly f'ed myself. She looked at me and said "Honey, I've known about this for 11 years. I was just waiting for you to tell me." Coincidentally, this was the time that the President had ordered the DoD to offer transitioning services to military members and their families (my wife being a servicemember). I decided this was fate, and two weeks ago, I began working with a counselor for transitioning.
---
That leads me to where I am. I've been a lurker here (even before I had this account) peering in the window, and now I've come in. Here I am. I'm hopeful, nervous, scared, and happy that I may have the option to be who I truly am...whatever that may be.
I would like to thank you for the top-notch information I've gotten from here during my lurking, and I look forward to having you all come with me on this journey, and hopefully show me the rocks on which I can stumble upon.
-Sig.
46, AMAB (as the saying goes), libertarian (coming from John Birch Conservatism), and knew that I wanted to be female from about 8 years old. I still remember that time when my older brother had the iconic Farrah Fawcett poster hung up in his room. I looked at it, and I didn't want to have her as my girlfriend, but I wanted to >be< her. Throughout my life, this has been a recurring theme, looking at models and pinups not with the idea that I guess most males have, but wanting to be them. I kept this hidden of course.
My parents, being not only immigrants from Europe, but being of the "Greatest Generation", were very conservative, having fled the Nazis in their lifetime to come to America. I was born very late in their life, and my siblings are very very much older (I have nephews and nieces older than I am.) My father had six children, four boys and two girls, and we all loved women. My father, landing in West Texas, learned how to be an American in Texas, and despite his conservative-redneck ways told my sisters "You treat your girlfriends like gold, and you and I won't have any problems." (which is what he told the boys as well). I myself was born and raised in Orange County, California, the hotbed of conservativism in the United States these days.
I cross-dressed a bit in high school, and, being the 1980's, was able to get away with wearing makeup going out on Saturday night. My brother, who was in college at the time studying theater, had makeup that I "borrowed" for these purposes. I played this off as being a "new romantic/Punk", which my father very much disapproved of, and my mother was tolerant of.
I wandered a bit through my 20s, being on and off diagnosed with several mental illnesses, and given a cocktail of drugs that left my liver a mess, and essentially losing several years of memories. No therapist, psychologist, nor psychiatrist ever really cared about what was causing all of these issues, but looking back, I wish two things, a) that I could have articulated what I was really feeling rather than just going through the formulaic issues that they did, and b) that I could have gotten out of the mental health trap that I was in. During this time, I graduated junior college with 5 AA degrees, and went to university for Agronomy, which I failed out of due to alcohol abuse. During this time, I hung out with my female classmates rather than the male ones, and by and large they I'm figuring they thought I was a creeper of some sort.
I met a wonderful woman, who, when I was 30 years old, came out to visit me from Montreal, Quebec. She invited me to come back with her, and the next thing I know, I have my car packed and I am heading to Montreal. There I met a psychiatrist who took me off the meds, and had me change my diet, which changed everything. I graduated from university in Quebec, and had decided to proceed to law school. However, the weather of Southern California being what it is, I wanted to come back "home", and we moved to San Diego. While we were in Montreal, my (now) wife was a queer activist in Toronto and Montreal. However, I never really identified as in that group, mainly because I dislike flamboyancy and drawing attention to oneself.
I never fit in with 'the boys' in law school, but I did make a few close friends. We began playing online games together, and as our characters were killing monsters, we would be discussing law, legal terms, arguing, etc. Of course, all my characters were female. My friends thought I was catfishing, but online MMOS is where I could truly be me. I was married happily at this time (and still am very much!) and after law school, began to practice. I thought I had suppressed any hope of transitioning, and stuffed these feelings down as far as they could go.
My first client was of course, friends of mine, who (this is during Prop 8) were a same-sex female couple who wanted to "marry" using contract, property, and trust laws (civil unions wouldn't give them what they wanted). One of the members then asked me to do a name/gender change. I was floored. I had no idea she was trans, as her "passing" ability was amazing. I frankly became jealous. I wanted that. However, by this time I was on the north side of 40, and I figured I was too old to transition well. Furthermore, after years of the abuse I had done to my body, being obese with liver damage and a host of other issues, that window was closed to me, and I would have to accept my fate.
Being an avid practical shooter, I read a book from Kristin Beck "Warrior Princess". What struck me about the book is that not only did she describe everything I had felt growing up in a similar household, but the fact that she transitioned after retiring. I thought that if I could lose the weight, maybe I could transition. This was even further reinforced when we moved to Southern Arizona, Tucson being a very trans-friendly city.
I began to learn all I could about the transitioning process... however I focused mainly on the biochemical and physiological aspects of it, mainly as an academic exercise, as surely my body would never take it. During a discussion with my wife, I corrected her on a number of misassertions she had made about transitioning, and I showed her the research I did. I told her that I knew about it, which turned into my 'coming out' moment. Frankly, it was a lot more comfortable than I thought, but I did realize alea iacta est.
I was prepared for the ->-bleeped-<-storm... the divorce, and I realized that I may have truly f'ed myself. She looked at me and said "Honey, I've known about this for 11 years. I was just waiting for you to tell me." Coincidentally, this was the time that the President had ordered the DoD to offer transitioning services to military members and their families (my wife being a servicemember). I decided this was fate, and two weeks ago, I began working with a counselor for transitioning.
---
That leads me to where I am. I've been a lurker here (even before I had this account) peering in the window, and now I've come in. Here I am. I'm hopeful, nervous, scared, and happy that I may have the option to be who I truly am...whatever that may be.
I would like to thank you for the top-notch information I've gotten from here during my lurking, and I look forward to having you all come with me on this journey, and hopefully show me the rocks on which I can stumble upon.
-Sig.
Title: Re: Siggy's Story
Post by: Mariah on July 23, 2015, 04:14:42 PM
Post by: Mariah on July 23, 2015, 04:14:42 PM
Hi Sig, welcome to Susan's. Thank you for sharing your story. Wow you have been through a lot. It's wonderful hear your wife is supportive. There were a few people I came out to that had said they were just waiting for me to tell them so I know how that goes. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
Mariah
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Title: Re: Siggy's Story
Post by: katrinaw on July 23, 2015, 10:30:17 PM
Post by: katrinaw on July 23, 2015, 10:30:17 PM
Big warm welcome to Susan's Sigyn
Very interesting intro, and can relate to a lot of it... just I am older ;)
It always amazes me, I thought I was the only person in the world who was born male and needed and wanted to be female until in my mid to late forties... but in looking back all the socialisation traits you mentioned are the playbacks in my mind... and they are recognised.
Anyways look forward to seeing you about the forum's, and love it that you are not a lurker anymore ;D
L Katy :-*
Very interesting intro, and can relate to a lot of it... just I am older ;)
It always amazes me, I thought I was the only person in the world who was born male and needed and wanted to be female until in my mid to late forties... but in looking back all the socialisation traits you mentioned are the playbacks in my mind... and they are recognised.
Anyways look forward to seeing you about the forum's, and love it that you are not a lurker anymore ;D
L Katy :-*
Title: Re: Siggy's Story
Post by: V M on July 24, 2015, 04:28:13 AM
Post by: V M on July 24, 2015, 04:28:13 AM
Hi Siggy :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Siggy's Story
Post by: gennee on July 24, 2015, 09:44:15 AM
Post by: gennee on July 24, 2015, 09:44:15 AM
Hello Siggy and welcome to Susan's. Thank you for sharing your story.
:)
:)