Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Peacebone on July 24, 2015, 01:02:57 AM Return to Full Version
Title: FtM and out of place
Post by: Peacebone on July 24, 2015, 01:02:57 AM
Post by: Peacebone on July 24, 2015, 01:02:57 AM
I feel really awkward writing this because I feel ashamed for the isolation and feeling out of place I have. I've been met with the whole "you have male privilege, talking takes up space you dont need" argument (I'm FtM), though once I access hormones/surgery I need (if I can) then maybe things will get easier as I'll need less emotional support...
The trans men group I went to was very much "we want to be a space where trans people don't moan all the time" and it was assumed everybody was straight and macho... The local queer scene is another place I sometimes go and everybody feels that X or Y group take up too much space (I had this conversation last night, she said how cis femme lesbians feel they can't talk about their experiences and masculine AFAB people have all the social power) and I get told I have male privilege. I admit I probably have masculine privilege (I don't know if I have male privilege as I get treated by society as a woman), but I'm also disabled and poor and struggling to get to grips with the social side of being trans and the isolation...
I kind of feel that queer spaces don't need another masculine presence anyway and that's ok by me as I haven't dated guys in a long time, so maybe I am taking up space... But right now I don't feel I fit in anywhere and it's making my depression worse. I know I'm privileged and I feel guilt about being sad about trans stuff because a lot of people have it worse...
I just don't know where to go because this is hard for me, but I don't feel justified in feeling like it should be hard.
The trans men group I went to was very much "we want to be a space where trans people don't moan all the time" and it was assumed everybody was straight and macho... The local queer scene is another place I sometimes go and everybody feels that X or Y group take up too much space (I had this conversation last night, she said how cis femme lesbians feel they can't talk about their experiences and masculine AFAB people have all the social power) and I get told I have male privilege. I admit I probably have masculine privilege (I don't know if I have male privilege as I get treated by society as a woman), but I'm also disabled and poor and struggling to get to grips with the social side of being trans and the isolation...
- I know I might look like a cis guy one day and this will benefit me a lot, but I will always have to out myself as trans to people (actually, I'd like to help/buddy trans people and try to provide some support and I want to be out)
- I'm really scared of the fact that every time I out myself, I could be in danger... Or accused of fraud, or being dishonest.
- I kind of need emotional support right now and feel really alone. Transition is hard and being told that I have male privilege and should just get along with it is hard. Being called "dyke" in the street is annoying... I work with vulnerable people and am always outing myself and have the risk of somebody not wanting a trans person supporting a family member.
I kind of feel that queer spaces don't need another masculine presence anyway and that's ok by me as I haven't dated guys in a long time, so maybe I am taking up space... But right now I don't feel I fit in anywhere and it's making my depression worse. I know I'm privileged and I feel guilt about being sad about trans stuff because a lot of people have it worse...
I just don't know where to go because this is hard for me, but I don't feel justified in feeling like it should be hard.
Title: Re: FtM and out of place
Post by: Ms Grace on July 24, 2015, 03:10:46 AM
Post by: Ms Grace on July 24, 2015, 03:10:46 AM
Well you're not taking up space here and you are welcome to express your masculinity. I wouldn't let the ideology of other people be used as an excuse to exclude you from your life, work or social space. And don't beat yourself up with with it either - what you do as a person counts first and foremost, you have needs and you need to express them in a safe and supportive environment. For people to be accusing you or male privilege when you haven't even transitioned yet is rather ridiculous. Sounds like a lot of the people around you are not capable of providing that support for you so I'm not sure what the solution is bar standing up against them regardless or moving to a different support environment.
Title: Re: FtM and out of place
Post by: FTMDiaries on July 24, 2015, 06:22:40 AM
Post by: FTMDiaries on July 24, 2015, 06:22:40 AM
It sounds to me like you may have moved on from this particular social group. Some queer spaces can be downright hostile, particularly to AFAB people who transition to male. I've had people in these spaces tell me that I'm just a lesbian who's ashamed of being lesbian; a traitor who transitioned so I can oppress them as part of straight society with all its privileges. You should see their faces when I point out that I have always been exclusively attracted to men, and that by transitioning I have actually given up the straight privilege I never asked for so that society can now treat me like any other gay man. But my sexuality is besides the point, which is: pretty much none of us ever transition merely so that we can gain 'privilege'. You may gain some privileges by transitioning to male, but you definitely lose others by not being female, or by simply being trans. So it's not as black & white as they think it is.
People who throw accusations of 'male privilege' at us often do so as a knee-jerk reaction because they feel threatened by the perceived privileges they think we will enjoy over them, and they want to tear us down so that they can feel better about themselves. That isn't something that a friend does... it's something that an abuser does. I've found the best approach is to call their bluff, remind them of their cis privilege, and then write them out of my life.
I have passed consistently for about a year and a half now, having gone from being treated like an attractive cis woman; to being treated like a 'dyke'; to being subjected to a load of WTFery from people who can't tell whether I'm Arthur or Martha; to finally having everyone just chill out and ignore me like any other random guy (which is utter bliss). And because I pass so well, I never bother to out myself in my day-to-day life. I only ever out myself to potential sexual partners; nobody else has any right or need to know because there's nothing wrong with being trans.
So far, I haven't faced any major danger for having come out to someone. And if anyone accuses you of being a 'fraud' or 'dishonest', that is an ignorant, transphobic viewpoint so that person doesn't deserve your time or attention, except perhaps to educate them. When people meet me now, they meet me at my most authentic. The only 'fraud' I might be guilty of is the fraud of trying to live as a girl & later a woman... but that's not a fraud of my own making, because it's not like I had any say in the matter.
And please don't feel guilty about feeling sad about this: life is not the Pain Olympics, and everyone's pain is valid. If aspects of your life are making you sad, you're perfectly entitled to acknowledge that sadness and to have it respected. It's the only way you can work through the pain & come out the other side. You're perfectly justified in finding this hard. It is hard. But in time, and with a new, more suitable circle of friends, you will come out the other side.
<Awkward manly hug> ;)
People who throw accusations of 'male privilege' at us often do so as a knee-jerk reaction because they feel threatened by the perceived privileges they think we will enjoy over them, and they want to tear us down so that they can feel better about themselves. That isn't something that a friend does... it's something that an abuser does. I've found the best approach is to call their bluff, remind them of their cis privilege, and then write them out of my life.
I have passed consistently for about a year and a half now, having gone from being treated like an attractive cis woman; to being treated like a 'dyke'; to being subjected to a load of WTFery from people who can't tell whether I'm Arthur or Martha; to finally having everyone just chill out and ignore me like any other random guy (which is utter bliss). And because I pass so well, I never bother to out myself in my day-to-day life. I only ever out myself to potential sexual partners; nobody else has any right or need to know because there's nothing wrong with being trans.
So far, I haven't faced any major danger for having come out to someone. And if anyone accuses you of being a 'fraud' or 'dishonest', that is an ignorant, transphobic viewpoint so that person doesn't deserve your time or attention, except perhaps to educate them. When people meet me now, they meet me at my most authentic. The only 'fraud' I might be guilty of is the fraud of trying to live as a girl & later a woman... but that's not a fraud of my own making, because it's not like I had any say in the matter.
And please don't feel guilty about feeling sad about this: life is not the Pain Olympics, and everyone's pain is valid. If aspects of your life are making you sad, you're perfectly entitled to acknowledge that sadness and to have it respected. It's the only way you can work through the pain & come out the other side. You're perfectly justified in finding this hard. It is hard. But in time, and with a new, more suitable circle of friends, you will come out the other side.
<Awkward manly hug> ;)