Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My wife has said numerous times in the last month how much she supports me, etc.  Sounds really good, I was happy, she was happy for me.  Today I came home from support group and she blew up about how she lost her husband and "never even got to say goodbye" and "didn't have a chance to enjoy it one last time."  I'd been trying to comfort her right before she said that, because I didn't know why she was crying... I've never minded being her shoulder to cry on, but this was too much.

I kinda think it was easier to handle her being like this before she was supportive.   At least then, I expected it.  Now, I expect her to be nice to me, and the shock amplifies the hurt.

I am sorry it happened but it finally hit home with your wife that this is really going to happen. It wan't meant to hurt you but she was attempting to support you the best she could. Now you will be able to have an honest conversation but you and I know this is 50/50 and could go either way. I hope that both of you can stay together.

Sorry to hear that happened to you. Unfortunately what you describe is a very common progression within a relationship where one partner is going through a gender transition. It doesn't mean she has thrown in the towel on the relationship but you will need to be mindful of her shifting perspective on what your transition means for her. While we need to do what we do when we transition, our significant others will do the same, especially if they suddenly feel vulnerable, lost, abandoned, afraid, etc.

My ex-wife ended up referring to me as the woman who stole her husband and she never really forgave me for that.  Generally as far as SO's are concerned the person they loved and knew has gone exactly the same as if they had died.

Hi sparrow-

As others have said this is very common. Wives often show some initial support for us until some realizations set in:

1) she understands more about you now, 2) her life together with you has changed and will continue to change, 3) this is real and is going to happen and there is no going back, and 4) if she stays she will be in a lesbian relationship, without the same kind of intimate relationship as before.

She is feeling all kinds of emotions, from full blown panic to anger and sadness to distrust of you - the bedrock of her life has cracked and shifted. What she is experiencing are the early steps of grief.

Our wives entered into what they thought was going to be a heterosexual marriage with a male. Finding out that she married a woman has rocked her world, and thats why she's spewing bile at you right now.

Still, a percentage of marriages survive this. Try to get her to go to therapy with you, or to go to her own therapist - she's transitioning too and she needs professional guidance to help her work through this situation. Above all - be knd to her, and talk to her. Whatever you do don't dump more trans stuff on her right now.

There are 5 stages of grief. It sounds like she was in denial before and just entered into anger.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Commonly people may go from one stage to another and then back again to an earlier stage. If you give her hope she will regress and start over. That is not fair to her or you.

I though this was not going to pertain to my wife when I started to transition. I know better now.

She was at acceptance when I left the house this morning.  :/

Sometimes she gets upset about many things in life, and takes it all out on me.  Honestly, I don't think this has anything to do with my transness.  Walking away when she gets like that was my therapist's suggestion.  We're going to see a couples therapist ASAP...

Couples therapy is a good idea, just in general. It may not be much comfort to you, but my wife has been hanging out in SO's support spaces for years now and she says this is typical and doesn't necessarily mean your wife doesn't support you overall. People can't always control their emotions, and she ended up overwhelmed today and lost her cool for a bit.  My wife definitely had times when she came unglued even though she was absolutely committed to seeing this through (and we're still happily married years later).

The latest and most reliable study about trans people says that 45% of relationships survive, and my personal impression is that the numbers are higher in couples who had a solid relationship and good communication beforehand.

Thanks for your encouragement, everybody.  I knew this was gonna be hard... it helps to have a place to vent.  We talked at length last night... she apparently thinks that it's unfair for me to be hurt by her expressions of grief, because she feels judged by anybody else she talks to about me... so I'm the only person she feels like she can talk to.  What a damned mess.

Sparrow : Would she be interested in links to the various SO's groups I referenced? (Or the SO's section here...) The lack of support for SOs is one of the things that was hardest for my wife, definitely.

Yes please, we'd appreciate links.

Happy to help! The biggest one is this : http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/2015/07/19/my-online-group-for-partners/

and also another Helen Boyd message board : http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/community/index.php

https://www.facebook.com/groups/Transmarriage/


The other two FB groups are apparently secret and require an invitation to join. Not sure how that works; I've never done it.

(There's also this book : http://www.amazon.com/Love-Always-Partners-Challenge-Resilience/dp/0986084409/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1437998463&sr=8-1&keywords=love+always+partners+of+trans+people+on+intimacy+challenge+%26+resilience )

Awesome!  Thanks, Jenna.