Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Female to male transsexual talk (FTM) => Topic started by: JustZac on July 27, 2015, 01:05:54 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Spouse Having Sexual Issues Due to My Transition
Post by: JustZac on July 27, 2015, 01:05:54 AM
Post by: JustZac on July 27, 2015, 01:05:54 AM
My husband of 20+ years has been SO emotionally supportive during my transition. He is pansexual, and an amazing person. But in recent months, he's having a difficult time retaining an erection during intercourse unless we're doing anal. We both believe that while he isn't having emotional issues due to my transition, it may be having an effect on our sex life.
He's going to see a urologist to check everything physical, and then we're talking about him seeing a sex therapist.
Anyone have any experience with this? We don't want to lose one another....
He's going to see a urologist to check everything physical, and then we're talking about him seeing a sex therapist.
Anyone have any experience with this? We don't want to lose one another....
Title: Re: Spouse Having Sexual Issues Due to My Transition
Post by: ToniB on July 27, 2015, 02:21:29 AM
Post by: ToniB on July 27, 2015, 02:21:29 AM
Hi JustZac
My Wife is having problems with my Femininity My breasts bother her and she dislikes the feeling of my long nails when I am touching Her. She said that I am no longer physically attractive to her . But We are trying to work through things together
My Wife is having problems with my Femininity My breasts bother her and she dislikes the feeling of my long nails when I am touching Her. She said that I am no longer physically attractive to her . But We are trying to work through things together
Title: Re: Spouse Having Sexual Issues Due to My Transition
Post by: FTMDiaries on July 27, 2015, 03:57:44 AM
Post by: FTMDiaries on July 27, 2015, 03:57:44 AM
CONTENT WARNING: GROWN-UP STUFF (not too graphic)
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It's great that your husband is pan, and that he's obviously accepting of your transition. I presume that when you say he's having trouble maintaining an erection apart from during anal, you mean he's struggling to maintain an erection specifically during vaginal penetration. He's clearly still sexually interested in you, and the fact that he's so accepting makes me wonder: is it possible that he's had a mental shift that means he now perceives and accepts you as male, but his mind associates vaginal sex with women and anal sex with guys? And now that he perceives you as a guy, a part of him is struggling to consolidate the two concepts? Is it also possible that if/when he's been with guys in the past, he specifically preferred anal? (These questions are rhetorical, obviously. It's nobody's business but yours what the answers are).
If so, it's possible you could both work through this in time, especially if he's as awesome as you say he is. On a personal level, I know it took me a couple of years to get my head around the concept of having vaginal sex as a man, and I'm the one who made the decision to go through transition... so it's understandable if some cis guys also need time to process this. A sex therapist who has experience of trans issues would be helpful if this is the case, and if he has difficulty getting his head around the concept at the moment, it may be a good idea to mainly have other forms of sex instead of PiV for a while, whilst he works through it.
Sadly, my own situation is pretty dire: the instant I came out, my husband (who is actually quite homophobic) decided he didn't want to continue our sexual relationship if I was going to transition. We had sex once after I came out... and that was three years ago. We still live together to provide a home for our kids, and the whole situation is hellaciously awkward as I'm sure you can appreciate.
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It's great that your husband is pan, and that he's obviously accepting of your transition. I presume that when you say he's having trouble maintaining an erection apart from during anal, you mean he's struggling to maintain an erection specifically during vaginal penetration. He's clearly still sexually interested in you, and the fact that he's so accepting makes me wonder: is it possible that he's had a mental shift that means he now perceives and accepts you as male, but his mind associates vaginal sex with women and anal sex with guys? And now that he perceives you as a guy, a part of him is struggling to consolidate the two concepts? Is it also possible that if/when he's been with guys in the past, he specifically preferred anal? (These questions are rhetorical, obviously. It's nobody's business but yours what the answers are).
If so, it's possible you could both work through this in time, especially if he's as awesome as you say he is. On a personal level, I know it took me a couple of years to get my head around the concept of having vaginal sex as a man, and I'm the one who made the decision to go through transition... so it's understandable if some cis guys also need time to process this. A sex therapist who has experience of trans issues would be helpful if this is the case, and if he has difficulty getting his head around the concept at the moment, it may be a good idea to mainly have other forms of sex instead of PiV for a while, whilst he works through it.
Sadly, my own situation is pretty dire: the instant I came out, my husband (who is actually quite homophobic) decided he didn't want to continue our sexual relationship if I was going to transition. We had sex once after I came out... and that was three years ago. We still live together to provide a home for our kids, and the whole situation is hellaciously awkward as I'm sure you can appreciate.
Title: Re: Spouse Having Sexual Issues Due to My Transition
Post by: Clever on July 27, 2015, 11:28:27 AM
Post by: Clever on July 27, 2015, 11:28:27 AM
Just a quick note of support and hope. I'm really impressed your husband is supporting your transition and is seeing you for who you really are. It makes my heart hurt a little less.
In January, when I came out to my husband of 7 years, partner of 19 years, he told me that was a dealbreaker and he would never dream of being in any kind of relationship with a man. All I can take away from this is that he loved my parts and not me.
The divorce will be final mid-August.
In January, when I came out to my husband of 7 years, partner of 19 years, he told me that was a dealbreaker and he would never dream of being in any kind of relationship with a man. All I can take away from this is that he loved my parts and not me.
The divorce will be final mid-August.
Title: Re: Spouse Having Sexual Issues Due to My Transition
Post by: JustZac on July 29, 2015, 01:15:36 PM
Post by: JustZac on July 29, 2015, 01:15:36 PM
Thanks for connecting, all. And I'm so sorry for the problems you're all having too. My husband told me last night that he's so scared of hurting me and triggering my dysphoria that he's been holding back. I assured him that he doesn't have to hold back. My issues are my own and I love sex with him. Last night was much better, but I'm so glad he's seeing a urologist and a therapist soon. We've been together half our lives. My worst fear is that I'll lose him due to my transition.
Hugs all around!
Hugs all around!
Title: Re: Spouse Having Sexual Issues Due to My Transition
Post by: JustZac on August 12, 2015, 11:21:45 PM
Post by: JustZac on August 12, 2015, 11:21:45 PM
Hey guys -
Just an update. Apparently my husband's therapist says he's in mourning for the woman he married, and that's what's causing his sexual issues. She says this is totally normal, no matter how supportive a spouse is. So he'll be seeing her every 5-6 weeks for a while.
Just an update. Apparently my husband's therapist says he's in mourning for the woman he married, and that's what's causing his sexual issues. She says this is totally normal, no matter how supportive a spouse is. So he'll be seeing her every 5-6 weeks for a while.
Title: Re: Spouse Having Sexual Issues Due to My Transition
Post by: JustZac on August 21, 2015, 11:42:20 PM
Post by: JustZac on August 21, 2015, 11:42:20 PM
So...maybe things aren't as smooth as I thought. My husband is in therapy, as am I. And he claims things are getting better on his end. He can masterbate to completion once more, but we hardly ever have sex...and if he reaches orgasm, it takes forever. Outside the bedroom, I don't feel like he wants me. It feels forced, like I'm a bother. I'm terrified his attraction to females is outweighing his attracting to me, though we've been together for 20+ years. I'm heartbroken, and not sure what to do...I don't want to lose him. We've built a life together, with a home and two amazing children....he's my best friend (and Pansexual)....
Title: Re: Spouse Having Sexual Issues Due to My Transition
Post by: FTMax on August 22, 2015, 09:20:37 AM
Post by: FTMax on August 22, 2015, 09:20:37 AM
Are you guys doing therapy together? It sounds like you're doing separate sessions, when one with the two of you in the same room may be of the most benefit to you.
Title: Re: Spouse Having Sexual Issues Due to My Transition
Post by: Clever on August 23, 2015, 06:47:19 AM
Post by: Clever on August 23, 2015, 06:47:19 AM
Just sending support. We put the nail in the coffin of our 20 year relationship this past Tuesday. I'm a bit baffled as to what to do now, as I've been with him half my life. But I just couldn't pretend anymore.