Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm Ftm. I identify as a gay man and only really find myself attracted to masculinity. I met my partner of almost a year while they were identifying as MTF. Our relationship began as a friendship, but they quickly expressed a desire to make it physical. I was hesitant because my partner was presenting very feminine at the time, but they made the first move and kissed me. After that I agreed to try an open relationship with them, as I wasn't sure how it was going to work out because I have only ever dated men.

It was really hard for me to deal with the mood swings and depression that the hormones caused in my partner, within weeks it was apparent that an open relationship would not work for them because they claimed they had fallen in love with me. I agreed that a closed relationship would be alright and I would try harder to make her feel appreciated.

After attending some pride events my partner expressed to me that they felt like they made a mistake by transitioning and wanted to go back to living as male in order to maintain their gay identity and have better job prospects. I was hesitant at first but they assured me that their decision had nothing to do with me. He has been living as male for several months now and our relationship has been great. I really tried before, but it was so hard for me because I didn't find many things about her feminine presentation to be attractive but I find myself incredibly attracted to his current masculine presentation. I truly care about him and we have planning our future lives together.

After a few months of him living as male, and just seeming so much more emotionally stable and happy I confided in him how hard it was for me at the beginning, which was fine at the time. But a few days ago he came home from work and said he had been struggling with dysphoria and he wanted to go back to transitioning. He took everything I had said and turned it back on me, saying that he thought of all people I should understand and that I should be able to make some sacrifices for him because he makes sacrifices to be with me (because I don't have a real male sexual organ, which I found pretty hurtful).

I love him and I want him to be happy, but he was so miserable on hormones. He never wanted to leave the house and was always paranoid that I was cheating on him with a gay man. He doesn't see that side of it at all and claims he was always happy on hormones. I feel awful for not understanding. I feel more awful for telling him how I really felt. I feel like I ruined his life by somehow subconsciously suggesting that he de-transition. Help...

Welcome to Susan's Place. You weren't to blame. You are both adults and made adult decisions but the decisions were made without enough information. The transitions isn't always a clean one way affair. For any number of reasons, it can stop, go backwards and then go forward again. It is always complicated when romance is involved in the transitions because the person transitioning is already going through many other emotions at the same time.

In a way this was a good thing because your partner had some doubts or returning to the male role wouldn't have happened. You help by allowing your partner explore the doubts and now your partners understands it's no longer possible to remain in the male role.

As for issues while the hormones, these should be brought up with your partners therapist and Endo. It is possible a lower dose might resolve the issues and it could also be fear of moving forward. For some people developing the desired body features could be comforting and scary at the same time. Even though we want to be in the opposite role, it can bring much fear when we need to face the world in the new role. I am sure you don't understand because I don't think your partner understands either. As I said, bring this up to the professionals and consider making an appointment with your partners therapist to express your fears about your partner.  Your partners may have no other option than to transition but may still have some very strong issues with the transitions process.

Feel free to ask any more questions on this thread and anybody who post here will return to view your questions and respond if possible.

Hey green27,

I've got no advice for you, but you have my full sympathy. It sounds like you're in a can't win place.

Okay, maybe I do have some advice (though I'm not in a relationship right now, so take this with a huge grain of salt.)  Be true to yourself and honest with what you want.  Kudos for trying to be steadfast and supportive. But if that means holding back, hiding or giving up part of yourself to try to support your partner, is that really going to work for either of you ten or twenty years from now?   (which, by the way, is why I"m not in a relationship right now.  I tried to be what my partner wanted/needed for a long time.   What they wanted definitely wasn't me.  Being a reflection of their wants left me with nothing of my own inside me. I didn't know how bad it was until it was over.)

Wow that was a really low blow of your partner. I would say see a counsellor for your relationship to help work with you on that. One partner that is transitioning is difficult enough. Now two? I think you've done all you can do with being supportive.

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