General Discussions => General discussions => ARGHHH! => Topic started by: suzifrommd on August 06, 2015, 10:57:30 AM Return to Full Version
Title: I'm falling for someone who doesn't feel the same
Post by: suzifrommd on August 06, 2015, 10:57:30 AM
Post by: suzifrommd on August 06, 2015, 10:57:30 AM
In this case the person I'm angry at is myself.
I'm falling for a friend who has said she doesn't feel the same and doesn't know if she ever will.
I know, it's dumb. I've done this before in my life and it's always turned out badly. I know I should restrict this sort of feeling for people who can reciprocate. I know that when someone tells me I'm not the one for them, that imagining they'll change their mind is foolish and over-optimistic.
I went to see her yesterday. We had such a wonderful day together, and we talked about things we only trust to our best friends. She's very accepting of me and we always have such a great time when we're together.
It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself this isn't going anywhere, I can't seem to believe it. I keep holding out hope, and I miss her and want to talk to her and I'm sad that the day is over and I want to see her again.
I can't figure out how to turn off these feelings.
She's a wonderful friend and we really understand each other, so I don't want to end a friendship over stupid feelings (she was really relieved when I told her we could still be friends after she said she didn't feel anything romantically). But when I'm with her I'm reminded of what a wonderful, sensitive, sweet, supportive person she is.
Suzi, get hold of yourself!
I'm falling for a friend who has said she doesn't feel the same and doesn't know if she ever will.
I know, it's dumb. I've done this before in my life and it's always turned out badly. I know I should restrict this sort of feeling for people who can reciprocate. I know that when someone tells me I'm not the one for them, that imagining they'll change their mind is foolish and over-optimistic.
I went to see her yesterday. We had such a wonderful day together, and we talked about things we only trust to our best friends. She's very accepting of me and we always have such a great time when we're together.
It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself this isn't going anywhere, I can't seem to believe it. I keep holding out hope, and I miss her and want to talk to her and I'm sad that the day is over and I want to see her again.
I can't figure out how to turn off these feelings.
She's a wonderful friend and we really understand each other, so I don't want to end a friendship over stupid feelings (she was really relieved when I told her we could still be friends after she said she didn't feel anything romantically). But when I'm with her I'm reminded of what a wonderful, sensitive, sweet, supportive person she is.
Suzi, get hold of yourself!
Title: Re: I'm falling for someone who doesn't feel the same
Post by: Rejennyrated on August 06, 2015, 11:06:29 AM
Post by: Rejennyrated on August 06, 2015, 11:06:29 AM
FWIW I concur with your diagnosis - left to its natural course that's just never going to end well.
If she is not a gynaephile its not going anywhere, and if you cant deprogram your own attraction, I've found the only solution is to cold turkey, and suspend contact until you cool.
The alternative is probably emotional pain, and the possibility of making a fool of yourself, which then ruins the friendship with awkwardness... and believe me I've certainly done that in the past!
I sympathise fully. Happily in my experience there will be someone who does want you... I've recently found a wonderful girl right here on Susans, who lives pretty close and is everything I need and more. So don't despair...
If she is not a gynaephile its not going anywhere, and if you cant deprogram your own attraction, I've found the only solution is to cold turkey, and suspend contact until you cool.
The alternative is probably emotional pain, and the possibility of making a fool of yourself, which then ruins the friendship with awkwardness... and believe me I've certainly done that in the past!
I sympathise fully. Happily in my experience there will be someone who does want you... I've recently found a wonderful girl right here on Susans, who lives pretty close and is everything I need and more. So don't despair...
Title: Re: I'm falling for someone who doesn't feel the same
Post by: stephaniec on August 06, 2015, 11:20:23 AM
Post by: stephaniec on August 06, 2015, 11:20:23 AM
your lucky to keep her as a friend. I have a brain that does the same thing. No matter how much of the reality of the situation keeps hitting me in the face my brain refuses to except it until the person is gone then I cry.
Title: Re: I'm falling for someone who doesn't feel the same
Post by: suzifrommd on August 06, 2015, 03:50:49 PM
Post by: suzifrommd on August 06, 2015, 03:50:49 PM
Quote from: Rejennyrated on August 06, 2015, 11:06:29 AM
If she is not a gynaephile its not going anywhere, and if you cant deprogram your own attraction, I've found the only solution is to cold turkey, and suspend contact until you cool.
Well, she is completely gay, and has only ever had relationships with women. I met her on a dating site. So the gender stuff isn't the issue.
Quote from: Rejennyrated on August 06, 2015, 11:06:29 AMThe alternative is probably emotional pain, and the possibility of making a fool of yourself, which then ruins the friendship with awkwardness... and believe me I've certainly done that in the past!
Well I don't care about the making fool part, but I'm not really up for emotional pain. But she's really one of the better friends I've met and the sort of things we like are similar, so she's great to do things with. I'd hate to throw that away because I can't reign in my own heart.
Quote from: Rejennyrated on August 06, 2015, 11:06:29 AMI sympathise fully. Happily in my experience there will be someone who does want you... I've recently found a wonderful girl right here on Susans, who lives pretty close and is everything I need and more. So don't despair...
Thanks. I keep hoping. I have yet to meet a woman who is attracted to me.
Quote from: stephaniec on August 06, 2015, 11:20:23 AM
your lucky to keep her as a friend. I have a brain that does the same thing. No matter how much of the reality of the situation keeps hitting me in the face my brain refuses to except it until the person is gone then I cry.
Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of.
Title: Re: I'm falling for someone who doesn't feel the same
Post by: sparrow on August 06, 2015, 06:51:30 PM
Post by: sparrow on August 06, 2015, 06:51:30 PM
Sorry, I'm gonna be a little flippant for a second: pffft... turn off feelings... as if!
I met my best friend over 20 years ago now. Fell deeply in love almost immediately. I've been married for 7 years, and I haven't felt any romantic attraction to this friend for the last 2 years! Go me!
I disagree with the advice to stop seeing her. I'd never have made any female friends if I had that policy. Instead, I learned to stop trying. You can't stop your feelings, but you do have control over your actions. Don't try to make anything happen, or even better, establish boundaries that will keep you from making an ass of yourself: don't get drunk while you're alone with her, share a hotel room with her, etc.
I met my best friend over 20 years ago now. Fell deeply in love almost immediately. I've been married for 7 years, and I haven't felt any romantic attraction to this friend for the last 2 years! Go me!
I disagree with the advice to stop seeing her. I'd never have made any female friends if I had that policy. Instead, I learned to stop trying. You can't stop your feelings, but you do have control over your actions. Don't try to make anything happen, or even better, establish boundaries that will keep you from making an ass of yourself: don't get drunk while you're alone with her, share a hotel room with her, etc.
Title: Re: I'm falling for someone who doesn't feel the same
Post by: Katelyn on August 08, 2015, 06:37:20 PM
Post by: Katelyn on August 08, 2015, 06:37:20 PM
Attraction is one of the things i'd prefer to suppress. Romantic feelings are some of the most dangerous feelings IMO. They are a ruiner of friendships and can even lead you to being taken advantaged of by unscrupulous people. I lost thousands of dollars to a woman who ripped me off because I was attracted to her and cared about her and couldn't think straight as a result.
I prefer to see it as feelings preprogrammed in your mind to get you to eventually procreate (as with anyone.) You aren't able to think straight because it's like your mind is under the influence when your attracted to someone, and this is what the mind does in order to get people to procreate, otherwise you and I and everyone else wouldn't exist.
In that regards I much rather prefer to have non-romantic love with other people. Non-romantic love lasts far more than romantic relationships that don't work out in the end and of which leads to connections forever lost. I mean its great during the time your attracted to someone, but if the relationship ends up not working out (even if you get carried away with the idea that you'll be in this relationship forever, which is often not the case), often you can't just go back to being friends.
It can be dangerous to be with someone that your attracted to and at the very least can lead to too much pain. Unfortunately leaving someone is also painful and can lead to a lot of pain for months.
You might be able to go for some time, but if she finds someone else and starts dating them, the pain will be too hard for you to bear.
You might be able to try self hypnosis to deal with if you want to preserve the friendship. Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Instant-Self-Hypnosis-Hypnotize-Yourself-Your/dp/1402202695
I prefer to see it as feelings preprogrammed in your mind to get you to eventually procreate (as with anyone.) You aren't able to think straight because it's like your mind is under the influence when your attracted to someone, and this is what the mind does in order to get people to procreate, otherwise you and I and everyone else wouldn't exist.
In that regards I much rather prefer to have non-romantic love with other people. Non-romantic love lasts far more than romantic relationships that don't work out in the end and of which leads to connections forever lost. I mean its great during the time your attracted to someone, but if the relationship ends up not working out (even if you get carried away with the idea that you'll be in this relationship forever, which is often not the case), often you can't just go back to being friends.
It can be dangerous to be with someone that your attracted to and at the very least can lead to too much pain. Unfortunately leaving someone is also painful and can lead to a lot of pain for months.
You might be able to go for some time, but if she finds someone else and starts dating them, the pain will be too hard for you to bear.
You might be able to try self hypnosis to deal with if you want to preserve the friendship. Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Instant-Self-Hypnosis-Hypnotize-Yourself-Your/dp/1402202695
Title: Re: I'm falling for someone who doesn't feel the same
Post by: Ms Grace on August 08, 2015, 06:53:54 PM
Post by: Ms Grace on August 08, 2015, 06:53:54 PM
I hate that feeling. Been there in my youth on more than one occasion. Then I started to deploy a tactic that saw me run a mile from single women I was attracted to in order to save myself the pain. Also, when I met a woman I was attracted to (and clearly she not to me) I was relieved to hear she was married or had a boyfriend. It actually allowed me to turn off my angst-a-tron. I was still attracted to her, still wished we could be a "thing" but at least I wasn't pining for her, just happy to have her company and be her friend.