Susan's Place Transgender Resources

If you'd asked me three years ago I would have told you I was done with the transition thing, but really I was just fooling myself.  All I'd done was paint myself into a corner by trying to make myself fit into being female.  I was largely stealth, but only because I'd chosen to present myself as a woman of faith who wore old fashioned style modest clothing and wore a tichel headscarf.  My faith was genuine enough, only my mode of dress was in actual fact a form of armor against the world.  It said keep away from me, keep your filthy lusts to yourself, stay away I don't want to be hurt again.  And by and large it worked.

But like all lies you tell yourself doing that didn't actually solve anything.  All it did was make me crushingly lonely, but as I was lying to myself about that too it's taken me a while to notice that, yes, all I was successfully doing was hurting myself.  It took a few trigger events to shove me out of my uncomfortable corner.  The Catholic Church essentially denying that gender transition was valid in their eyes; Discovering beyond all doubt that I was a DES child; Being forced by the sudden landslide of once well hidden memories in my head into looking hard at my childhood.......
As a result I suffered through distress, tears, rage, anger, hate...... etc etc.  Recognising the time bomb I'd become I went to my very sensible GP and she organised a therapist for me.  Thrashing mouthy bigots on the street with my walking stick was not something I particularly wanted to get into and if that sounds funny let you remind you that I've studied the sword arts so I really could do some unsuspecting mouthy idiot some real damage once the adrenaline bit.

When I was still working as a social worker I belonged to a women's motorcycle group.  I don't ride motorcycles now because this illness I live with put a stop to that, but back then I did the angry biker chick thing really well.  Gas station clerks would always address me as 'ma'm' in a slightly nervous manner and that was when I still had my full face motorcycle helmet on so life was good.  A little attitude and anger when advocating on behalf of a client with government agencies didn't do any harm either so my job and life style really worked for me.
The one problem was though I was still trying to force myself to be a woman/trans-woman which wasn't working and often made me feel sad because once again I wasn't fitting in with the gender to which I thought I belonged.

Fortunately for me, - and I know this is unusual, - my biggest ally is my daughter who is also intersex.  In her case though she has always embraced her difference.  T is really toxic for her, so HRT has been in the picture for her ever since she was 18.  Truth be told T was toxic for me too, but in my daughter's case the effects were really much more serious.  So with my daughter's help I've been learning to accept the real me who is neither male or female.
Another fortunate circumstance was that I'd kept most of 'angry biker chick's' clothing despite heavy wardrobe clearouts in pursuit of old fashioned plain modest clothing styles.  I didn't want to be 'angry biker chick' again, but I do like her sense of androgyny in her clothing choices.  The tichel headscarves have gone and I'm now brushing my hair out and letting it grow again.

After being religiously chaste for so long I'm finding I'm starting to think about the possibility of being in a relationship again.  I really don't know where that will go as I continue to explore being non-binary.  For a long time I've considered myself to be asexual, - though that could well prove to be a form of political asexuality and I'm trying to be open to that possibility.  The whole question of sex is a complete unknown too as I'm having to re-evaluate what I used to call 'dysphoria' in the traditional transgender sense of the word.
What I know I'm going to do though is stop hiding away from the world and start getting involved again in things that I like to do.  Vintage cyclecars for one thing, human powered vehicles for another.  This illness I live with will be a nuisance like it always is, but if I'm sensible I'll be able to work around that.  I'm also starting to understand the triggers that cause my narcolepsy episodes too which makes me feel a little more in control of my life.
I'd like to go back to studying Tai Chi again as well.  Other more vigorous martial arts I've studied in the past will be out of course, but the Hapkido Walking Stick form might be fun.

The nice thing about having to transition again though is that I don't need to worry about gatekeepers this time around as I've already had surgery (orchi) and I'm already on HRT.  I get on well with my therapist and my GP has always been supportive.  Now it's just the hard bit of looking really hard at myself and being completely honest with myself so I don't paint myself into anymore uncomfortable corners where I don't fit.

Anne.

Welcome to the club. While I am firmly in the female camp, I went from years of Asexual to Pansexual (I know, I was pansexual all that time but I didn't know it). What first brought me to Susan's a few months ago were feelings I couldn't yet define but much like you I want more out of life. I am still preparing my image as 30 years have brought many options I didn't have but soon I will need to explore a world I have really never been in. I wish you an enjoyable journey.

Thank you Dena :)  May your journey also be a good one.

Hope you find some peace and happiness through the process. :)

You are one Hell of a lady Hon. Your strength is amazing and a lesson to us all.

I hope it all goes well.

Cindy, Grace, - thank you.  It's like I said to my therapist, 'You don't have to worry about me being suicidal because I know I've got a future; - I just need to find out what it is.'

Annie, I hope your part of this journey is a good for you. It's amazing how when we just think were done with something that another aspect or even an aspect we have already dealt with needs more work. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Thank you Mariah and here's a HUG for you right back  :D

Anne I have read with great interest the last few months as you have been changing.  It is amazing that even after all this time you are still growing and finding out about yourself.  It just goes to show that we are truly on a life long journey and we can never be done with our transitions.  There will always be things that come up that we will have to deal with in a unique way because of our unique status.  So good luck to you as you explore this new direction.  You are a strong and beautiful woman who I look forward to hearing much more from. 

Thank you Jessie, coming from you that means a lot.  I've done my own fair share of admiring how you've progressed these past months too.  Us strong and beautiful girls gotta stick together  :D

Life is change.  Trying to stand still is to invite stagnation.

ok im a boy and have felt like a girl trap in a boys body since i was 12 im now 25 and want to tell my parnts but im scared about how they might react ive been looking into hrt and feel i want to do it any advise ?


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Anne, best of luck and happiness in your journeys .

Quote from: carolyn1956.cp on August 09, 2015, 08:21:31 AM
ok im a boy and have felt like a girl trap in a boys body since i was 12 im now 25 and want to tell my parnts but im scared about how they might react ive been looking into hrt and feel i want to do it any advise ?


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Other forum members have given you some really good advice in your other thread, - I don't think I could say anything better than what has been said already.

Take care and the very best of luck on your personal journey.

Quote from: lostcharlie on August 09, 2015, 08:57:22 AM
Anne, best of luck and happiness in your journeys .

Thanks  :D

Two days ago the woman whom I buy firewood from called by to see if I wanted to place another order.  She hadn't seen the new me before as last time she called I was still dressing old fashioned modest and wearing a tichel headscarf.
'Oh you've changed,' she said looking at me with some surprise.  'I can see your hair.'
'Yes I'm dressing differently now', I said.
'Makes you look younger', was her reply to that and I couldn't help smiling all over my face in response.

Other folk I know about town have been saying to me that I'm looking better or more well than I've been for a while, so I certainly must be doing something right.

Today I was tired and having a lot of problems with pain due to CFS/ME so I took my pain meds and stayed in bed with the electric blanket on.  I fell asleep and I had this amazing dream about meeting a tall lean rough diamond sort of guy with a beard who I would guess was in his forties.  I was definitely physically me as I am now and he was teasing me a little in a friendly kind of way and I was flirting a little right back at him (!!!!!!).  When I woke up I had a 'what the hell is happening to me kind of moment' as I've never had a dream like that before.  Must be a part of the developing new me I suppose.  :o

That's an amazing moment in life you have written about Anne, I am delighted that you seem to have re-found yourself and I am glad it has been noticeable by others.

I truly hope you can find all the happiness in life that you deserve and hope your dreams come to fruition  :-*

You are a strong woman, and having support and a kindred spirit in your daughter is a real bonus for you... it actually makes my spine tingle a little for you.

Stay positive and upbeat...

Love and admiration... Katy xx

Thanks Katy, Hugs.

Anne, thank you for sharing this. It takes courage to be open to change, to the fact that our "selves" aren't necessarily static, even as we get older. I've found inspiration in many of your posts, and this one is especially moving; it's wonderful that you're expanding into the world instead of closing yourself off from new experiences.

May you thrive.

Awesome Anne, I love this! I wish you nothing but success during this transition.

'You don't have to worry about me being suicidal because I know I've got a future; - I just need to find out what it is.'


That is the best line I've read on these forums. Can I steal it?

Quote from: Sigyn on August 12, 2015, 01:27:37 PM
Awesome Anne, I love this! I wish you nothing but success during this transition.

'You don't have to worry about me being suicidal because I know I've got a future; - I just need to find out what it is.'


That is the best line I've read on these forums. Can I steal it?

Steal away Sigyn and with my blessing :D

And Tysilio thank you, - you are the perfect gentleman as always.

I found my word, - 'Androgyne'.  If I need to have a descriptive label to apply to myself that's the one I have no problems with wearing.

Knowing that does not mean my journey is now over.  Like all self-awakenings a new awareness leads on to yet more explorations into one's self.  And for me at least new realisations seem to uncover new once hidden angry emotions that now want to leap out and be heard.
Last night on Susan's I became involved in a fierce discussion about RLE which turned out to be sign that once dormant, suppressed and hidden parts of myself were starting to wake up.  I seem to possess an angry advocate/people's hero gene which saw some use when I was still working as a social worker.  'Angry biker chick' made use of it too, but now I'm having to keep an eye on a new aspect of myself whom I'm going to call 'Androgyne separatist activist' who believes that the Androgyne condition is the only way forward for the human race, women are natural allies and men are a dangerous subspecies who are doomed to evolutionary failure.

Some years ago a psychiatrist who knew very little about GID told me that I have Multiple Personality Disorder.  I still disagree with that diagnosis, but I am aware that I do tend to compartmentalise aspects of myself as a coping mechanism.  My present project is to get all these aspects of myself to play nice together without starting any wars.

I see my therapist again on Monday and something tells me that we are going to have a lot to talk about.

On thinking further about my dream about flirting with the 'rough diamond guy' I realised today that I was actually welcoming back my old male persona into being a part of myself again.  Change is very much happening and quite quickly too which can get a little disorientating sometimes, but I seem to be coping with it Ok.

For a long time I've had severe dysphoria about my 'bits', - in my other posts I've called them 'wart', - which sums up my disdain for them.  Just recently while washing myself I actually looked at it which is something I normally avoid as much as possible.  To my surprise I wasn't disgusted by the sight of it and I found that I was actually starting to accept that my 'bits' were a part of myself and not something alien to be ignored.  I still feel glad I had my orchi done because those things really were 'alien invaders' as far I'm concerned.  T might be a necessary hormone for good health, but I didn't need the mind twisting quantities that those things had been putting into my bloodstream considering that one of them had been badly messed up in the first place by the doctors who had tried to 'fix' me back in my pre-teens.

During my explorations this past week I found pictures of an autopsy done on a child who was a true complete hermaphrodite.  The pictures of their genitals took my breath away because it was like looking at something holy, like the next natural step for humanity.  My first job after leaving school at age 18 after heavily studying science subjects in high school was in a path lab and I never really liked seeing autopsies done on children so the rest of the pictures I found very disturbing even though I knew exactly what I was looking at in terms of the organs and bodily structures being displayed in the photographs.

Now I know why I don't want GRS, because the only operation I could accept in light of my new self knowledge would be one where my penis was left in place and a neo-vagina created.  Plainly the medical profession would never sanction such an operation so it's best if I remain as I am.  I suppose some people would consider me some kind of perverted nutcase, but that's really how I do feel and I've been hiding that from myself for ages despite having written stories on that theme over the past few years.

In case anybody is wondering how I went from working in a path lab to becoming a truck mechanic it happened after I suffered a really bad mental breakdown.  Becoming a truck mechanic and thereby following the, - 'I'm a lumberjack so I'm Ok', - model of denial became my coping mechanism until that fateful day in my late thirty somethings when I knew for certain that I couldn't do it anymore.

You might be surprised. I've heard of this sort of procedure being done, but I think you would have an uphill battle because its not by any means widely understood.

I dont personally feel like that, but I certainly dont think you are a nut at all.

Thanks Jenny :D

It's certainly interesting that such operations have been done, but my feelings about it are that it's simply enough for me to finally clearly know that's my reality and the way I inwardly experience my sense of self.  If I was twenty something I would most probably take steps to find out more about such an operation, but at age sixty one I have other priorities with how I want to spend the rest of my life.

This is exactly how I feel. If I were 20, 30, or even 40, I'd definitely pursue bottom surgery, but at 63, I think the risks are too high. The FTM surgeries have a very high rate of complications even for younger folk, and as we age, we don't heal as well. Add to that the fact that the results of those procedures, even when they go well, aren't all that great compared to what I've gathered is possible for MTFs, and, no... I don't think so.

Given that what you'd want isn't a "standard" procedure, no surgeon will be as comfortable with it as they are with those they do all the time-- which, again, could raise the risk of complications.

And, yeah -- I have only so many years left to enjoy finally being who I am, and I don't want to spend that time recovering from complicated surgeries.

I take a little different view on surgery. Because of my fear of surgery, I vowed SRS was going to be the last optional surgery I would under go. When I found my voice wasn't holding up and it couldn't be fixed without surgery, I looked at my health and body. My body has aged slow and I am just starting to turn gray so my body is between 40 and 50 years old. In addition, I might have as much as 40 more years to live and the longer I wait, the poorer the outcome of the surgery might be. Pretty much it boiled down to now or never. The good thing is as long as I have been post surgical, I didn't need a therapist letter and I know I will not regret the change to my voice.

You have nothing to lose by looking into it and getting a bit more information. It may be less of a problem than you think or you may decide it's not worth the trouble. Just don't leave the question open at this point because you may regret it latter.

Thanks for the helpful comments Dena and Tysilio  :)

I had a session with my therapist today and while it went well and was a positive and useful session I'm now feeling somewhat mentally exhausted so I think I'll leave any further explorations into hermaphrodite GRS until I've managed to sleep on it and I'm feeling up to doing more research.

Here is an answer:
experienceproject.com/question-answer/Being-Born-A-Male-Is-It-Possible-To-Become-A-Hermaphrodite/87647

And I'd say there will be more and better options in the future...


hugs

Thanks Laura :)  At the moment with my various health issues it might be moot whether any surgeon would want to go near me, but I will continue to work on it.
It did cross my mind that if i could find an open minded and appropriately skilled tattoo artist I could get an image of female genitalia tattooed down there  :laugh:

Quote from: Lady Smith on August 18, 2015, 05:01:54 PM
Thanks Laura :)  At the moment with my various health issues it might be moot whether any surgeon would want to go near me, but I will continue to work on it.
It did cross my mind that if i could find an open minded and appropriately skilled tattoo artist I could get an image of female genitalia tattooed down there  :laugh:

Have you looked into alternative treatments additionally to your normal treatment for health ?
For example acupuncture... essential oils... nutrition ?
T'ai chi is very good... meditation might help... there are different forms, you might look which one is best suited for you...

If a tatoo would suit you  :)

As said, I think in the near future there might be a few more options...

Thanks for the suggestions Laura :)  I learned Tai Chi several years ago and I really do want to get back into it again.  Meditation is something I do fairly often and yes it does seem to help.

I was more joking about the tattoo than anything, but yes it could be an option.  Might sting a bit though  :o

What you have shared here is a deeply personal narrative that reminds me our transition need not be some linear trajectory with rigid goals to achieve.  The more we learn the more options come to light.  Thank you Anne.

Thank you too Tessa.  I remember when I started out it was all about speaking from the right script and always wearing a skirt and not jeans because the doctors wouldn't believe you.  Telling carefully constructed lies was an essential skill or else the gatekeepers wouldn't open the gate and let you through.

Now it's absolutely great to not give a toss and be yourself without having to worry about what the wrinkly old warthogs of the medical profession might think about it.  I love it when my daughter tells me that, 'They don't do that anymore.....,' whenever I talk about my own transition.  The next 'They don't do that anymore....,' I look forward to hearing is when doctors stop carving up intersex kids with their nasty steely knives.

Earlier this week I was riding my tricycle past a neighbour's house and he was out on the driveway with a group of his friends, - all of them in their mid 20s I would guess, - and I said, 'Hello' as usual.  One guy gave me a nod and said, 'Dude,' (Kiwi male bonding behaviour so I'm told) - and I wasn't bothered in the slightest.  Yeah, I think I'm getting to where I want to be alright.   :D ;D

I've just completed my therapy sessions and it's proved to be a completely positive experience.  One very positive result is that I'm no longer experiencing that awful depth of rage and anger that fell on me like a dam bursting after I discovered for certain I was a DES child.  Being able to embrace my own narrative and not feel that I had to edit it or twist it in order to make it fit into an 'acceptable' pigeonhole has been an empowering experience for me.  By trying to make myself fit into a binary model of gender I'd done myself no favours at all and had largely made myself feel miserable.

Older cultures were far more wise in that they recognised that there were Two Spirit people amongst them and embraced them completely as being a part of their society.  The influence of western culture and Abrahamic religion upon these older 'primitive' societies has been nothing else but destructive and after much reflection I've reached a place where I can reject much of the socialisation imposed on me as I was growing up and not feel guilty in the slightest over doing that.

More than ever I feel free to wear whatever clothing I want to.  I don't remotely feel that I should be trying to enhance my appearance with make up, eyebrow plucking & etc.  I prefer my hair long and I don't see why being an androgynous human should mean that I should wear my hair short.  Should I want to 'decorate' myself I much prefer organic materials such as leather, bone, feathers, wooden or clay beads and semiprecious stones.  Gold and silver jewelry no longer interests me anymore.
Being of Irish blood I want to explore my Celtic spiritual roots.  I think the blandness of secular western culture can lead white Europeans to attempt to appropriate the spirituality of ethnic cultures that are not their own.  Having already been exposed to Japanese and Chinese sword arts and Chinese meditative techniques, - not to mention the books by Carlos Castaneda that everyone of my generation must've read at some time, - I want to find my own roots, my own place to stand.

As my daughter often reminds me I may want to think about dating again which opens a door into completely unexplored regions.  Just recently when I was out and about I saw a woman in her mid 50s who like so many in the rural district where I live was plainly physically fit, with not a touch of make up on her face, wild blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail and she was wearing boots, an unbuttoned work shirt over an olive green sleeveless T shirt and faded ex NZ army camo trousers.  From somewhere inside my newly awakened consciousness the thought came to me that she was (dare I say it) hot.
So yes go ahead and laugh if you want to, but something tells me that just because I've reached my 6th decade my love life is far from over.

Great to see you make such good progress Anne!  Love your new picture!

Thanks Jessie :D

It is one adjustment I had to make coming to this web site. I had never heard of non binary before and my initial reaction was one of confusion as to what it was. Once I understood the basics, I had to work down the logic chain. A CIS fails to understand somebody transsexual because they have never had the out of place feeling. Both CIS and transsexual have never felt non binary but as a transsexual, I understand the out of place feelings that non binary must feel. Combine that with the sensitivity you have shown in the short time I have been on the web site makes you unlike everybody else but instead makes you a very special person that I am happy to know. I found my place in life many years ago and I am glad you know where you belong.

Thank you so much for that Dena >HUGS<  ;D

While I was aware of such concepts as 3rd gender and hermaphroditism back when I was in my late teens I thought that they were no more than the stuff of myths and stories and that nobody could actually be that way.  And even though I'd written novel length stories myself on the theme of 3rd gender while I was going through transition it took me a long time to realise that I could actually identify and live as a non-binary person myself.  I didn't have to subscribe to the tyranny of a binary identity and force myself into fitting into being either one or the other.
Here in New Zealand all official forms are in process of being changed to include a non-binary gender option so I'm looking forward to the day when I can take pen in hand and identify myself properly as being ME!

In our therapy group it was mentioned that surgery wasn't for everybody but I think everybody wanted it. People didn't get surgery for reasons of money or family but I suspect they may have come back for surgery after their fortunes change. With your age and the fact you knew about non binary in your teens, it is something that existed when I was in therapy and it is strange it was never mentioned. Maybe I will make contact with my old therapist (I think I know where he is) and ask him some day.

Funny part of it is my sister has had an aversion to wearing dresses and looking feminine from about age 3 or 4. She put a dress on for the first time in almost 40 years in order to get married but quickly changed out of it. Otherwise she appears to be happy with her body and in a normal relationship. Once upon a time in the past, I thought she might be transsexual but non binary is a much better explanation. Maybe one of these day I will ask her about it.

My elder sister told me once that she has never felt like a woman at any time during her life and she has always dressed in an androgynous way.  Being an artist I think folk just accepted that as being somehow Bohemian and only to be expected back when my sister was in her twenties.  Now of course I realise that my sister is just as non-binary as I am.

As I've mentioned before Dena the only surgery I'd want would be the kind that would give me genitals that look like this.......

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi883.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fac31%2FSanctaRosa5%2FAvatars%2FEngraving_zpsgidlqiwc.jpg&hash=66837a751f2bf858f3fdaab664380b680e475986) (http://s883.photobucket.com/user/SanctaRosa5/media/Avatars/Engraving_zpsgidlqiwc.jpg.html)

But with my age and health as a factor I'm not especially worried about surgery.  Though if somebody unexpectedly gave me several thousand dollars I might consider it :)