Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey. So for starters im a 23 yr old transman (FtM) whose been on T for about 10 months. Theres this girl ive known for a little over a year. We just started talking and getting really close about 2 months ago. She accepts me 1000% and makes me feel understood and safe. Last week she told me she thought she was pregnant. We went and got a test and it came back positive. The biological-father is her recently deceased ex-fiance. (they havent been together in a couple years just happended to randomly hook up shortly before he died). Provided our calculations r right shes about 18 weeks pregnant. Shes basically offered to let me b the baby's father if i want and said i can opt out too. But  we arent even actually together yet or anything. We have talked prior to the pregnancy news about possibly getting an apartment together an such but now things have been upped a bit more. I think we are both starting to fall for each other. I just dont know what to do. I jus helped her move back to her parents a few weeks ago too so We currently r living on oppisite sides of the state. I think i want in on this, i think i do wanna b this babys father but at the same time is this jus too bizarre. Am i getting in over my head? Help please?!?! Im going crazy harboring this..

I'd say try to calm down, take a walk, and think about how being in one of the situations would make you feel.
How would you feel being there ?


hugs

Nothing ventured nothing gained I'd say. If you want to be a father I doubt whether you will ever find a better way.

I've found the universe loves to give us what we want, but not always in the way, or at the time we expected.

Obviously you are in early days as yet, but the fact that she offered must tell you something, so personally I'd take the chance, but I'm sure others will urge caution and they may be right.

My view is that its rather like transitioning. You can either try, and then succeed or fail, or you can spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn't and wondering what would have happened if you had. To me that would be a tantalan hell - so I'd say for God's sake man give it a try. Then at least you'll know what happened.

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Quote from: randomweirdo18 on August 09, 2015, 01:23:23 PM
Am i getting in over my head?

Well, yes you are. But maybe that's what you want.

Having been a father for 18 years (before I became an unnameable auxiliary female parent), I can say there is no way to overestimate the awesome, continuous, undying responsibility for the well being of another human being.

On the other hand it's something I'd be missing out if I'd let the sun set on my life without having kids. They're turning into delightful, imperfect adults.

Only you know whether you're up for this. Depends on your level of maturity and whether you're willing to hitch yourself eternally to your friend, their mother (because, like it or not, you will always be connected). If you are, the rewards are more than worth it.

I'll have to go with what Rejenny said

Hi, welcome to the forum! I guess you need to take stock of your resources - emotional as well as physical. Becoming a parent is huge and very stressful. I'm not trying to talk you out of it but it requires a lot of responsibility. Have the two of you discussed how you might handle parenting. Can you support each other. Are you getting into a stable relationship with someone you truly love? A (former) friend of mine got his girlfriend pregnant after being together four months, they decided to get married and be parents, but the relationship was only founded on "the sex" and at the heart of it they weren't compatible, neither of them had the right emotional resources to deal with living together and being parents so the whole thing collapsed in a huge pile. Now I'm certainly not saying that is you, but it is something to consider. She's not just asking if you want to be the child's father but also be a supportive pylon within the family and with her. Are you up for that? If so then by all means, go for it and all the best.

I don't know if this is any kind of help but I do know when I met my partner there was something so powerful about the attraction I couldn't help myself. Three weeks after meeting her I moved in and we have been happy for the last 30 years. I knew with the same kind of knowledge I know that I am trans that this person was my soul mate and I got one shot at her. She took my breath away the first time I laid eyes on her. I wasn't going to let her get away but unknown to me she had been bitten by the same bug.

As for kids, they are a huge responsibility and you will be part of their life for the rest of their life. This is going to be for the rest of your life, its hard work, its thankless, it's endless but the rewards make taking a breath each day worthwhile. When they are actually old enough to leave the nest and begin their own lives is one of the most rewarding things for me being a parent and to be with them to enjoy discovering life. When they are kids they are a bit more work but great fun.

For me the big reason not to do it, is if your partner and you do not feel the same way about each other or you cannot see having this child as part of your future. It is a huge commitment.

Good luck whatever you decide

Sarah T

Quote from: Ms Grace on August 10, 2015, 01:31:50 AM
Hi, welcome to the forum! I guess you need to take stock of your resources - emotional as well as physical. Becoming a parent is huge and very stressful. I'm not trying to talk you out of it but it requires a lot of responsibility. Have the two of you discussed how you might handle parenting. Can you support each other. Are you getting into a stable relationship with someone you truly love? A (former) friend of mine got his girlfriend pregnant after being together four months, they decided to get married and be parents, but the relationship was only founded on "the sex" and at the heart of it they weren't compatible, neither of them had the right emotional resources to deal with living together and being parents so the whole thing collapsed in a huge pile. Now I'm certainly not saying that is you, but it is something to consider. She's not just asking if you want to be the child's father but also be a supportive pylon within the family and with her. Are you up for that? If so then by all means, go for it and all the best.

Most definitely this ^^^^^^^^^. It really comes down to what your both comfortable with and ready for. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: RejennyratedMy view is that its rather like transitioning. You can either try, and then succeed or fail, or you can spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn't and wondering what would have happened if you had. To me that would be a tantalan hell - so I'd say for God's sake man give it a try. Then at least you'll know what happened.

I'm not sure I agree with this: if someone tries to transition and it doesn't work out, the repercussions of the failure are mostly on them.  But fatherhood is mostly about other people, not about one's own needs; failing at being a father means one has let other people down -- especially the kid in question. Not so cool...

You don't have to jump into this right away. It's a huge commitment, and it's fine to take things slowly. In your position, I'd go ahead with the plan to live together and see where things go from there. If you aren't together yet as a couple, I'd say agreeing to be the kid's father is pretty much putting the cart before the horse -- explore your relationship with this one woman, who is already in the world, before making a decision about starting a family with her.

And remember that there are lots of ways to be a warm, loving presence in someone's life, be they adult or child.

If by you were in a relationship already with her/him I could see doing that, its huge commitment to a little person that's already going to be in a messy situation. I say don't do it,  be her friend.

Wow, that's intense.  Can't really give advice beyond this: being a parent is incredible, and opportunity only knocks once.  Try to see this from all angles and take some time to think.  You'll know what to do.