Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am going to come out to my best friend in the world tomorrow and I'm feeling confident she will accept me but I am still scared about it.. Any advice would be nice.

Just be Yourself I have Found Women to be Far more accepting of us than I would have ever believed. If she is truly a  good friend she will be a great help to You .It is always good to have a female to advise and help you learn the correct mannerism's and to advise on clothes and Makeup .My ladies at Work are a real godsend as they will always tell me weather I am getting it right or wrong .So I wish You all the Luck in the World and hope she is the Friend You Need

Thank you. I hope she will be able to see me for who I am and still care about me as much as she already does.

Be honest with Her Women prefer the truth rather than a  hinted at type approach in my experience . My girlfriends always say that since I came out at work I am a nicer Person because I am able to relax and be myself and they react positively to that. So with any luck You will find the same with Your Friend

Hugs Toni

In my experience coming out to my girlfriends, female family members and female employees and have all been very positive. Be honest and speak from your heart. There has been around 50 I have told and not one negative. Compared with my longtime male friends where I'm 50/50 and thats those on a selected basis that I thought would be supportive.

Good luck and best wishes xx

I can only agree with Toni and Warlockmaker, be yourself, honest and from your inner self.

Katy xx

JackieFox

Ditto on both be yourself and be honest. It is pretty hard. The hardest thing I have ever done.

Good luck.

With warmth,

Joanna

Jackie, I hope all goes well coming out to her. I know I was concerned telling my good friends when I first came out, but it went really well. I hope you have the same success. Hugs
Mariah

If nothing else, you WILL find out if she's your very best friend in the world. If she is, she'll accept it. Perhaps not right away, but she'll come around.

I have told some friends and not told others. That was not my decision, however. My hubby demanded that I tell no one. But... I just got divorced and now I can't keep my mouth shut. I am not ashamed of who I am any more. I'll likely never have another relationship so why not be somewhat open about myself?

Cindi

When we are open and honest about something so personal we are allowing our underbelly or vulnerability to show.  Often times when I was coming out I found that people responded by feeling more comfortable sharing their own truths that were not commonly known.  You just might be creating a path to a more meaningful and deeper relationship. 

Take your time and allow or encourage her to ask questions if you feel OK.

Yeeeesss!!! She was accepting of it and simply said she doesn't judge me for it. Although she didn't really ask a single question about it.. Oh well. She knows and I am happy. :)

Well Done that is the hard bit done. Now over time just let the friendship develop You will find that once she accepts the feminine side to You she will interact with You as another female and that is a lot different to how she would talk to the male You .It is a lot different women are more open and are far more likely to talk about feelings and personal interactions and friendships are closer and more involved . Just enjoy and trust in this new relationship and let her guide You She knows the feminine world better than You so if she offers you advice please listen and heed it women are a lot more likely to help You and advise you than criticise . I get a lot of good advice and tips from my girlfriends at work .

Toni

That is wonderful Jackie. Congrats. The questions may come later though as this news settles in with them. Hugs
Mariah

To be honest I'm starting to wonder if maybe she didn't accept me but didn't have the heart to tell me.. She has been seeming different in a way that its almost like she doesn't want me around anymore.. I'm scared now..

It took some of us a lifetime to figure ourselves out about gender.  She may just need some time to process what you said and figure out where she and you fit now? 

I'm in the process of coming out to all my friends. The ones that tended to need elbow room to absorb this news are those that have known me the longest and the ones that loved me. I like to put myself in the other persons shoes and try and understand and spend time explaining this to them. You will be suprised how little they know but pretend to know. Its reallly quite a shock for those who are closest to you. My SO whom I told almost 2 years ago and seemed to accept it at that time, is going thru another round of questioning with the approaching date for my SRS and FFS. I choose to be patient and work with her in a conciliatory manner in addressing her fears and questions and of course her image in the community. Other may its "my way or the highway", but thats not for me.

I was scared and paranoid but I'm better now. I just hope she is okay.

Oh my God! I don't even know anymore!! I'm scared to freaking death of losing her and I feel like she might be avoiding me as much as possible, but I'm not sure and it's literally driving me crazy to the point I am depressed 100% of the time and even looked up how to tie a noose at one point today!! I'm so freaking scared it's killing me!!  :(

Hey Sade, hang on.  I am guessing that part of the drama here is that she is one of the first people you told outright.  That puts a lot of emphasis on her response.  She may be bugged by all kinds of things that don't include your coming out truth.  Please give her time and recognize our news can be kind of shocking to people and they need time. 

I hope you continue to share with other people.

One of the first people I talked to about being trans was very supportive when we talked but then cut me no slack about anything else, seemed distant and then moved away.  Poof! gone!  It all had nothing to do with me but all about her life.

Quote from: JackieFox on August 21, 2015, 10:05:01 PM
Oh my God! I don't even know anymore!! I'm scared to freaking death of losing her and I feel like she might be avoiding me as much as possible, but I'm not sure and it's literally driving me crazy to the point I am depressed 100% of the time and even looked up how to tie a noose at one point today!! I'm so freaking scared it's killing me!!  :(

Hey!  Chill out!  You got this far, no need ending it!  She may feel awkward around you for a bit, isn't that a pretty reasonable response though?  I doubt she has any interest in dropping you if she is your best friend.  You do you for a bit and let her have some time on it.  Even if she doesn't come around, no need to jump to these conclusions.  I've lost best friends before, and it hurts, but live on and make more!  It's going to be okay no matter what, and this way you get to be you.  Just remember that, let it be your mantra.

Quote from: JackieFox on August 21, 2015, 10:05:01 PM
Oh my God! I don't even know anymore!! I'm scared to freaking death of losing her and I feel like she might be avoiding me as much as possible, but I'm not sure and it's literally driving me crazy to the point I am depressed 100% of the time and even looked up how to tie a noose at one point today!! I'm so freaking scared it's killing me!!  :(

Okay, this can happen. Many people may not be able to handle it but will be polite. I just came out to my unofficial stepson and his wife of 24 years just two weeks ago. I was recently divorced and my son is my ex's blood relative. I told them both that I was saddened by the fact that I had been forced to deceive them all these years but now I wanted to square up our relationship and be totally open. So, since then, I have had a phone call from her and we talked for a couple hours. He doesn't call quite so often so I'll give him another few days. If he doesn't call, I will.

I made my change in the eighties and lost everyone except just one friend.... at first. My family came around, some sooner than others. But all of my other friends were lost. It sucks, but it happens. I should point out that my ex started calling me three years later to chat. We got along pretty well for a very long time until I published my book. She didn't read it but asked me not to call her anymore. That was an absolute total shock.

The loss of any relationship is the most difficult thing we face, I believe. It involves our self worth, our character, and all sorts of things that are the essence of who we are.  However, with that said, give her some private time to process what you've told her. She may come around. She may contact you. Don't pester her with messages. It may creep her out.

I'm so sorry.
Cindi

At this point she doesn't ever talk to me much in the least anymore and now I'm more depressed than I was when I lost eight friends who were like family to me a year ago. I hate my life and I will never let myself be close to anyone again. I will not freaking do this anymore. Five times is enough.

Quote from: JackieFox on August 27, 2015, 08:26:06 PM
At this point she doesn't ever talk to me much in the least anymore and now I'm more depressed than I was when I lost eight friends who were like family to me a year ago. I hate my life and I will never let myself be close to anyone again. I will not freaking do this anymore. Five times is enough.

Your upset, and reacting to it.  Like I said, this isn't the end of the world.  Losing a friend is hard, and if that is your friend's choice then that means she couldn't see you as real, or has her own hold ups.  Putting it on your shoulders is really too much.

Try to get out and get social.  I'm sure their are support groups in your area, and you might find new friends there.  Isolating yourself like this will not turn out well...

Isolation seems to be better than this constant bullcrap. I'm through. I don't care anymore. If she is just going to stab me in the back like every other friend I had then screw having friends. I've never had a true friend and never will. I'm done. I'm done and I'm DONE! No more even trying to have friends for me. Every person on this planet will just stab me in the back anyway so why bother?

Quote from: JackieFox on August 28, 2015, 04:53:48 PM
Isolation seems to be better than this constant bullcrap. I'm through. I don't care anymore. If she is just going to stab me in the back like every other friend I had then screw having friends. I've never had a true friend and never will. I'm done. I'm done and I'm DONE! No more even trying to have friends for me. Every person on this planet will just stab me in the back anyway so why bother?

Because someone may just surprise you and become a much better friend.  Being angry and feeling betrayed is understandable but there are many more opportunities ahead.  As much as we try to predict it, the future is and remains unknown.  Have you ever met another transgender or queer person your age?   Another person with huge life changing issues might also be able to get how you feel.  People are constantly changing and dealing with complex issues we don't see.  Someone out there is looking for a friend too.

Feeling angry is going to pass too, it just takes so much energy to stay there.  You have better days and new friends ahead of you.  The whole planet is not yet defined by one person.  You have worlds yet to explore.  Keep on trucking Sade. ;)

I have been betrayed by a fellow trans, three bi friends, three straight friends and now my only friend. No one is different.

Well that just sucks and only proves how little I know about you!  You still have seven billion people to consider tho ;)

Seriously, I only wish we could help you see a different way forward as there are so many unknown variables that could turn this around.

Maybe even tomorrow?  Till then, go kick a can around the block--more worthless advice I once got

If even someone like me would stab me in the back then I pretty much have no reason to trust anyone. My mom was right when she said the only person I can truly rely on is myself and that no one truly cares about me underneath it all. Katy was my last chance with friendships. (I don't mean the Katy I have seen on here from time to time(I mean my friend I have been referring to.))

Quote from: JackieFox on August 28, 2015, 05:58:47 PM
If even someone like me would stab me in the back then I pretty much have no reason to trust anyone. My mom was right when she said the only person I can truly rely on is myself and that no one truly cares about me underneath it all. Katy was my last chance with friendships. (I don't mean the Katy I have seen on here from time to time(I mean my friend I have been referring to.))

Maybe you need to feel that right now, but please don't do anything drastic.  Maybe you need time to heal.  I have faith things get better for you.

I'm pretty much freaking through. I hate people in general now.I now understand why some people I used to know (the fellow trans who backstabbed me is one) absolutely refused to trust me in some extent. Because they realised how much people don't care.

Good morning!  We are having a great early storm here on the Oregon Coast.  There are countless reasons to distrust we fallible humans.  There are also countless experiences of caring and compassion that can restore us.  I might recommend some good books or even a good movie but I trust you will continue to meet new people with a better capacity to engage you.  One day at a time.

That would take one helluva lot of care and compassion to make me believe again.

Unfortunately these things happen. I once made a bet with my brother where the loser had to wear a pink dress. I lost on purpose. A few weeks later I asked about the dress and he called me a homophobic slur and gave me a black eye and said I was mentally ill. Another time I came out to one of my best friends, he had been a groomsman at my wedding, he also had an alcohol and painkiller addiction that I nursed him through FOR YEARS. I haven't heard from him since I told him, despite numerous phone calls to him.

Unfortunately this is a reality that people like us have to deal with. The good news is that for every person that clears out of our lives, it opens up space for new, more awesome people to come into our lives. Try a group therapy, I think you'd find a lot of support there. Right now it should be about expanding your support network (advice that I'm getting from my own therapist btw). Don't isolate yourself, human beings are meant to be social creatures.

Hi Jackie.  I may be a bit late on this post, but just be honest and tell it like it is.  You have nothing to hide, and it will go so much better if you don't try and hide or keep anything from your best friend.  Hopefully you will find that this is a true best friend and you will have a shoulder to lean on, as we all do at one time or another.  Someday you'll be a shoulder for someone to lean on, and that is one of the best feelings in the world  :-)

Marlo

Sorry but you are pretty late. I know I'm never doing it again. Except to my parents and if they accept me after my transition then I will come out to others.

Quote from: JackieFox on August 29, 2015, 11:24:49 PM
That would take one helluva lot of care and compassion to make me believe again.

That is understandable and cool with me as I have an an incorrigible belief that people do fall in love.  I look forward to that happening to you and the sooner the better. ;D

I don't think anyone will ever fall in love with me. I just don't. I seriously wish I never existed..

Quote from: JackieFox on August 31, 2015, 10:10:37 PM
I don't think anyone will ever fall in love with me. I just don't. I seriously wish I never existed..

Jackie sweety, you seemed so much better in chat a few days ago.  Did something else happen?  Getting down on yourself like this isn't doing you any favors, you'll only begin to push people away who DO care about you.

Some days I feel fine and some days I'm begging to die. I just honestly wish a few things could happen that can't or currently can't happen..

I can't take it anymore. All this effing going back and forth between friends and questioning whether we are or not is DRIVING ME INSANE!! I swear if this doesn't stop she will get one helluva long text message.

I can't talk for others, but I had an extremely positive experience coming out to my girl friends (they are most of my friends btw, I always felt better socializing with girls).

My best friends response, was this, word for worth:
"Yay, so when are we going shopping? Girls day out!"

I'm back from the beach trip I took with the youth at my church, the result? I'm emotionally dead. I effed up so effing badly now that I doubt she will ever trust me again. I cut myself FOUR times consecutively today because of it and I cryed my eyes out for about twenty minutes. I am probably likely to kill myself within the next year. I don't want to live for another second in this screwed world. I feel next to nothing emotionally now and I'm just done with life.

Sade "she" is just one person and you deserve the opportunity to meet lots more.  All your eggs in one basket kind of thinking Hon?

The beach sounds lovely anyway.....

She may be just 'one' person but she is the only true friend I have ever had in my life and just like I always got stabbed in the back now I did it to her. I'm thinking of asking my youth pastor or my Nana to pray that our friendship will be restored.

Hey Jackie, your always so intense.  Human interaction involves being hurt and hurting.  There is this song I love called Remain Nameless by Florence + the Machine.  In it our these lyrics:

I know everyone let's you down.  I'll do the same.  But know I'll always be around.  This can remain the same.

That is life right there Jackie.  We all hurt each other...  I'm personally not christian, but I know of the teachings of christ, and he says that forgiveness can be found through faith.  He says all have sinned and fallen short of the lord, and only through asking forgiveness are you saved.  He says don't judge lest ye be judged.

These are in fact his greatest lessons, the ones he teaches again and again.  Do you think that's coincidence?  Learn to not take everything like it's the end of the world.  Give yourself confidence.  You already walk a tough path, so don't make it tougher.  Sprout into the beautiful brave young lady you need to be.

Here is that song, best of luck!  I find music is an artform that can heal any soul!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCB1ZY1CtcI

good luck!

Please do not accuse me of taking everything like its the end of the world because I don't. And "Judge not, lest you be judged" are words I live by. I don't intend to judge when I do. I'm trying to fix things and even though it seems like it isn't working at all. I will have faith in Jesus.