Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I originally wasn't going to post anything but I'm kind of in a spot right now.

As most of you know here I've been close to full time for almost on month now. For about the first two weeks everything was pretty much alright for me and no complaints. But now I'm having major doubts on my commitment at the moment. And this has been going on for about two weeks now at first just a little thought and nothing more. And thought well its because I did have a really bad cold and adjusting to a new work schedule. And I did bring this feelings up with my therapist last week and we both agreed that being sick combined with some extra stress might be the problem.

But now for the past three or four days its pretty much all that I'm thinking about now is not wanting to do this. I'm feeling horrible and unhappy and even worse then I was a few months ago as a guy. While I might have depression really right now presenting as female is making me really unhappy. To the point right now I wish that somehow the clock could go back a few months to where this never happened. I have been trying my best to better myself also along the way but now at this point I really don't care. I'm starting to realize this might not be the best decison at the moment for me. Its becoming to much to try to look presentable and don't know if I care to do it. And now I'm starting to realize how good I did have things before as a guy. And its not helping that for the past two weeks I've been getting misgendered and even got called sir in my face three times this week. And had two stupid little kids walk past me and whisper I was a guy. It shouldn't bother me but it is since I have been trying to put a lot of work into myself and now its falling apart. And a couple weeks ago I got gendered right everytime and now its just sir or I get weird looks and really don't care to deal with it.

I know that meeting with other trans people might help me out. But the one group that does meet is always on my work days. And I've only met two trans people so far and both just wanted to use me as a sex toy. And that friends that I have gained only became my friends since coming out. Where a few months ago they wouldn't have given me the time of day. And I'm feeling that its just because I'm trans that they want to be friends. So I'm still sitting at home alone every night or going out by myself just as I was before. Even if I have been trying to make an effort to socialize with people. And my old friends don't have anything to do with me now. Where you could say then they were never true friends but at least it was something. And now I'm feeling more isolated then I was before from people and its driving me crazy.

I mean at this point I'm just confused at what I should really do. If I had to make a choice right now I'd say stop altogether and go back to living as a male. And really wish right now that I never started presenting as female at work. Because how can I go back to being a guy without embarrassing myself so badly and giving people even more to talk about? I mean I'd rather die then do that or at least never show up for work again. Along with that I have the hearing for my name change coming up in just a couple of weeks and I'm about to call and cancel it. Since I'm not sure at this point my commitment to having a feminine name.

Its just at this point I'm just unhappy plus embarrassed with myself. I look in the mirror and all I see is a guy with a wig and makeup on and that's what everyone else see's as well. And I really don't care to talk to anyone or be seen now since I'm really embarrassed and uncomfortable with myself. And tonight I'm really close to just going in guy mode on my three days off and see how I like it. I'm going to sleep on it tonight and see if my view changes tomorrow morning.

Sorry for the long post but thank you for reading.     

I am not familiar with details of Your situation, but from reading Your post I somehow got impression that either things were hurried up or You were pushed to do them at timeline You had little control over (was that Your therapist, perhaps?). If it makes You feel stressed, depressed and anxious - I would suggest to take a pause and re-assess what You have done so far, what do You like and what makes You anxious.
You mentioned going back to living as a guy and doing guy-ish things. That is not the same - You can still the same things as You did and gender does not really matter (unless it was about getting drunk and passing out in the middle of the street after tearing down a couple of road-signs and knocking out a squad of law-enforcement officials). Well, kiddin' aside - You said You were recently gendered as male - how did that make You feel? I dont need the answer - it is the question for Yourself and if You will go back living as the guy, that will be Your everyday reality. Also, people pick up a lot of subconscious cues - if You were feeling very low and depressed, it showed everywhere - Your face, skin tone, body language... And if You were feeling that way, You were clearly uncomfortable in Your skin - and people did pick that up.
Now, my main advice would be - not make any rushed decisions. You are (apparently) not ready for full-time - and it's been like a couple of months on HRT for You? I was not ready for FT when I had been two years and I never really made that switch - it was all about gradual changes and adjustments, seeing how they looked and worked (and most importantly - what DID NOT work) and how other people reacted and responded. All those small things did not make extra stress and they were combined over extended period of time, so I grew into them naturally. I am not suggesting that You do the same, but maybe give some thought about this kind of approach, discuss if with Your therapist (if You have any - I did not, so i invented it all by myself) and maybe this would also help with reducing Your anxiety?

I'm sorry that you're going though such a hard. You gotta do what makes you happy. The average person is not gonna understand what you want. Only you can decide that for yourself. I know when people talk about someone who is trans, they will often says he, I mean she, I mean it. It's not always because they are being negative, but it's more like they can't understand or don't realize that they're being very hurtful. If you want to be presented as a woman, you have to be strong. When someone calls you sir, you have to correct them and tell them you prefer miss. Otherwise they're just gonna think it's okay. And kids will always make fun of the things they don't understand. it's just how they are. It just sounds like you gotta do some more soul searching and figure out what you really want.

And on a side note. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss your new friend that just came out. I've been in hiding of the girl inside for such a long time. They prolly couldn't admit wanting to be friends with you. I noticed in college I stayed away from making gay friends. I assumed it was because I didn't want other people thinking I was gay too. But now I realized I allowed myself to be more feminine around them, and I was so desperate to hide it. I think I missed out on a lot of potential friends.

Certainly a cold can have a negative impact on self esteem, issues of gender do take a back seat when you are unwell.

You've been full time for less than a month? Can I ask if you are on HRT and if so, for how long?

Are the concerns you have mostly that you feel you don't present the way you would like to present as a woman? Or is there something else at work?

If you a feeling a bit overwhelmed it may be that you need to give things a bit of time to settle. If you've been at this less than a month it is really no time at all. I have to say it took me 9-12 months to feel totally settled in and I had a fairly bump free transition. I you haven't been on HRT long, likewise, give it time to do its thing - at least 12 months for some things, 2 years for others. None of this falls into place overnight - while you don't want to make a mistake abut this you also need to sort out what is causing your feelings of doubt. Is it just the difficulty of everything or is there something more fundamental? Maybe transition isn't for you and maybe it is, but you need to sort that out.

I guess the thing is that transition is not easy, it is a lot of hard work. Presenting in public and at home as the gender you identify as is a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week proposition. It's not until you start to live that way that you realise there are a lot of nuances and little things that you had no clue about. Keep in mind that women have had all their life to prepare for their daily life, they make it look easy because they've been socialised that way. Plus of course they haven't had to deal with testosterone for their adolescence and their adult life. On top of that, society isn't really geared towards women and it can be a struggle at the best of times, being a trans woman even more so.

So yes, it is possible you are feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. It's always important to transition when you think you are ready but sometimes people go a bit earlier or ind themselves in deeper than they expected.  But this is part of what Real Like Experience is about, testing the water and seeing if it really is what you want. Please discuss it more with your counsellor because the last thing you want to do is make a mistake.

Quote from: RavenL on August 19, 2015, 02:07:35 AM
I originally wasn't going to post anything but I'm kind of in a spot right now.

As most of you know here I've been close to full time for almost on month now. For about the first two weeks everything was pretty much alright for me and no complaints. But now I'm having major doubts on my commitment at the moment. And this has been going on for about two weeks now at first just a little thought and nothing more. And thought well its because I did have a really bad cold and adjusting to a new work schedule. And I did bring this feelings up with my therapist last week and we both agreed that being sick combined with some extra stress might be the problem.

But now for the past three or four days its pretty much all that I'm thinking about now is not wanting to do this. I'm feeling horrible and unhappy and even worse then I was a few months ago as a guy. While I might have depression really right now presenting as female is making me really unhappy. To the point right now I wish that somehow the clock could go back a few months to where this never happened. I have been trying my best to better myself also along the way but now at this point I really don't care. I'm starting to realize this might not be the best decison at the moment for me. Its becoming to much to try to look presentable and don't know if I care to do it. And now I'm starting to realize how good I did have things before as a guy. And its not helping that for the past two weeks I've been getting misgendered and even got called sir in my face three times this week. And had two stupid little kids walk past me and whisper I was a guy. It shouldn't bother me but it is since I have been trying to put a lot of work into myself and now its falling apart. And a couple weeks ago I got gendered right everytime and now its just sir or I get weird looks and really don't care to deal with it.

I know that meeting with other trans people might help me out. But the one group that does meet is always on my work days. And I've only met two trans people so far and both just wanted to use me as a sex toy. And that friends that I have gained only became my friends since coming out. Where a few months ago they wouldn't have given me the time of day. And I'm feeling that its just because I'm trans that they want to be friends. So I'm still sitting at home alone every night or going out by myself just as I was before. Even if I have been trying to make an effort to socialize with people. And my old friends don't have anything to do with me now. Where you could say then they were never true friends but at least it was something. And now I'm feeling more isolated then I was before from people and its driving me crazy.

I mean at this point I'm just confused at what I should really do. If I had to make a choice right now I'd say stop altogether and go back to living as a male. And really wish right now that I never started presenting as female at work. Because how can I go back to being a guy without embarrassing myself so badly and giving people even more to talk about? I mean I'd rather die then do that or at least never show up for work again. Along with that I have the hearing for my name change coming up in just a couple of weeks and I'm about to call and cancel it. Since I'm not sure at this point my commitment to having a feminine name.

Its just at this point I'm just unhappy plus embarrassed with myself. I look in the mirror and all I see is a guy with a wig and makeup on and that's what everyone else see's as well. And I really don't care to talk to anyone or be seen now since I'm really embarrassed and uncomfortable with myself. And tonight I'm really close to just going in guy mode on my three days off and see how I like it. I'm going to sleep on it tonight and see if my view changes tomorrow morning.

Sorry for the long post but thank you for reading.     

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this, I tried advise you to proceed with caution before you went full time, because you didn't seem to be far enough along in your transition. Unfortunately there is a major cheerleading problem in the trans community, and a lot of people will tell you what you want to hear; some gender therapists are guilty of this too, since you are paying them.  My advice is that if this is not working for you right now, then it is perfectly ok to take a step back, give HRT more time to work, and then transition again when you are ready. Best wishes.

I'm FTM,  not MTF, so I may be coming from the wrong direction. I'm all into being the best, which us a curse as much as a great driver.  That includes being the best FTM, eve but what I have to remind myself is that I'm working towards being the best me ever. Not the best FTM. And that means figuring out how much machismo is really me and how much is extreme to prove a point to  myself. I have to remember that not every guy is full blown masculine and for me to aim for that is me aiming for a characature.  Not sure this is you at all, but I catch myself at it all the time and have to remind myself to dial it back and be true to myself instead of a stereotype.

Now that I managed to get my head cleared up this morning, along with some advice from a friend. So feel like I've kind of gotten some of my thoughts a little clearer.

Emily, If anyone hurried things up it was me. While I think my therapist can kind of take a small part of the blame also but most of it falls on me. But I pretty much felt fine presenting female from day one. And going back into guy mode made me hugely depressed to the point were random strangers would comment that I looked really sad. As a female I've gotten comments that I'm sassy and pretty confident looking. And have gotten comments from strangers that I look good.

When I got gendered as male this week I absolutely hated it! I was at work at the time and pretty much ran straight to the bathroom and almost started crying. Mostly since I did my makeup different that day and a new hair style and had a couple customers tell me I looked cute and a lot of my coworkers tell me I looked great. And then to get shot down later on that day really ruined it for me. But you are right I did some thinking back to that day and week and I was feeling really kind of low that day. Mostly since I made the mistake of commenting on another website about trans issues. And got told some really really nasty things and it really got under my skin, which I shouldn't have let it. So I think people were picking up on that and that's were my problem really started. And for whatever reason I've held on to that feeling for five days now. Where before ever where I went I acted like I belonged there as Dena would say.

As for HRT well I haven't started it yet. I've had a hard time finding an endo and there's only one near me that's trans friendly and I'm having to wait till November for an appointment. The only other option is another one with the same wait time but having to go ten times as far. As for not being ready for full time really at this point maybe I'm not. But I'm fully out at work now as female and presenting and as I've said I don't know how it would reflect on me as a person to switch genders all the sudden. Plus I don't care to lose my job since I'm pretty comfortable as far as money goes right now.   

Yakayla, You are completely right on being called sir. When I told my friends at work about it everyone told me I should have corrected them right away and made them embarrassed and not me. And yeah I should not let kids bother me and really what should I care? If I'm happy and they will forget about it in a few minutes anyway.

As for the person that just came out maybe I didn't word it right, really shouldn't type this stuff out after being up for twenty hours should I? I was actually shopping last week and had what I thought was a guy come up to me and get told they were trans also. Which really caught me off guard since I've never been clocked right in my face. I was kind of embarrassed but chatted for a couple of minutes. I did get her number and we agreed to maybe meet up next week for coffee or something. I did send a text later on that week and at first thought this was someone I might hang out with. Till I got sent almost nude pictures :o So I didn't care to talk anymore at that point.

Ms Grace, I think the cold really did hit me harder then I'd like to admit. Its been two and a half weeks now and I think I'm finally over it and can smell again.

I'll be full time for a month this Saturday, and as I posted above no HRT yet waiting for the endo appointment.

As I'm writing all of this out I feel like my thoughts are becoming a little clearer on what my biggest issues are. Everyday of the week I always make myself look presentable when either I'm going out shopping or just to work. And like to take pride in my appearance. I haven't had any issues in public outside of work presenting as female and I believe I know the answer why. I always wear a skirt or dress on my days off and never pants and a nice pair of flats or boots. But at my job I'm pretty much stuck with khaki pants and a navy shirt. And it makes me feel super unfeminine while wearing those. While I do have the option to wear skirts as well. Not that sure how crawling on the floor and unloading trucks would work out! So that is another thing that people might be picking up on that I don't like I feel or look. And really I just have to accept that's what I have to wear and its no big deal.

I guess the thing is that transition is not easy, it is a lot of hard work. Presenting in public and at home as the gender you identify as is a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week proposition. It's not until you start to live that way that you realise there are a lot of nuances and little things that you had no clue about. Keep in mind that women have had all their life to prepare for their daily life, they make it look easy because they've been socialised that way. Plus of course they haven't had to deal with testosterone for their adolescence and their adult life. On top of that, society isn't really geared towards women and it can be a struggle at the best of times, being a trans woman even more so.

As for all the work that goes into presenting as a woman. I actually do mind it in fact I enjoy it a lot. I don't mind putting makeup on at all and enjoy experimenting with different styles. And finally got to the point wear eyeliner doesn't make me look like a racoon. And I do enjoy shopping for clothes and trying to match styles even if it take an hour. Where before as male I'd just get it over with as fast as possible as long as it fits. And I am finding that society isn't really geared towards women let alone trans at the moment. And have kind of experienced that from some of my coworkers but now I'm starting to stand up for myself and haven't been having as much trouble. But there is still a lot of work to be done yet.


I really thank you ladies for all your help and advice reading over this and writing this out has really helped me. And I feel like my head is a lot clearer now.

Edit good thing I checked replies before posting this!

kittenpower, I do agree that cheerleading is a problem. But I've decided that I'm not going to back down and have reflected on everything that has made me happy. And at least at this point I'm not miserable twenty four hours a day like I was a few months ago. I'll freely admit to anyone at the rate I was going I most likely would have been dead this year. I was drinking heavily and eating really unhealthy and pretty sure a heart attack was in my future. And at least in the past few months I've had more good/great days then bad. I do admit I've dumped a lot of stuff on myself all at once and my mind is still trying to catch up.


Chris, I don't believe I've ever talked to you on here so nice to meet you! What you say working towards being the best me ever is what I originally started out doing. And somewhere along the way I started trying to judge my appearance to be honest unrealistic standards. And like you I have to remember that not every woman is full blown feminine. I do see females every day that I know I look better then and need to remind myself of that and be happy. Like you I need to be true to myself and just be happy.     

Wow, that's a lot of text feel like I'm back in high school. Hope everyone doesn't mind reading! Thanks again everyone!

Raven,

I have been reading most of your posts since you geared up. You inspired me with how quickly you moved forward and embraced the new you.(I am a bit of a slow poke) I am sorry you went through this period of time. It sounds terrible.

I can only hope/wish you find the journey that is right for you. Sometimes a good sleep. cry and rant can help.

At the same time I hope you don't feel embarrassed for any choice you make at this point.

Please continue to call out for help when you need it. There are so many of us that are right on the border of so many things(pretty descriptive, I know).... I think at least 80 percent of us are 1/2 step or breath away from being "There"; from "there but for the grace of..."(whoever it is to you ).

I hope you find clarity, love and a smoother journey.
With warmth,

Joanna

Johanna glad I've been some help to you. It makes it worth it for me now. And I like to hope that I've helped out other people as well.

Today has been really good for me so far. I spent almost an hour trying to figure out what clothes I wanted to wear today[emoji1] Also took a nice warm bath which was welcomed. And then spent more time then I should doing makeup. And enjoyed every second of it.

And really just to prove to myself that I am passable as female I'm at the mall right now. And haven't got one strange look. Well I did catch an old guy looking at my legs at the gas station. No bad comments at all. Apart from a hair lady telling me my hair style doesn't look good and that I should straighten it. I should have told her that might set me in fire. I just told her I liked how it was.

But I'm acting confident and like I belong and not having in trouble. So next time when this happens again I need to tell myself to sit back and relax it's going to get better.

Sent from my SM-N900T using Tapatalk

Hugs to you Raven!  It is tough when you start out 24/7.  I have had my ups and downs through out the last couple of months but not to the point that I have second guessed my decision to transition.  I just read through this today and it hit home after my day yesterday.  I got him'd and he'd by a number of people yesterday, more than I have had since going full time a couple months ago.  So what was different?  These are the same people I work with everyday and they hadn't been having a problem gendering me correctly.  I am chalking it up to trying a different hair style and wearing slacks.  Those two things must have been enough to throw those normally reliable people off. 

Hang in there girl.  I know it can be tough at times but at least your making the transition while you are young.  I've been like you and I am on the very fast track but I am doing it because I have lost so much of my life by not facing up to my issues.  I have gone from starting counseling in February, starting HRT in March, Trach shave in April, Name and Gender change in May, 24/7 full time in June and have scheduled FFS and breast augmentation in a week and a half.  I haven't had any second thoughts, yet, but I know that it can happen at any moment.   

Thank you for putting this out here so that it can be of help to others who have the same issues.  I admire your strength and courage and as you grow into your new identity you will get even stronger.  The future is ours for the making girl.  Make it a fantastic one.

Jessie, I have noticed with slacks on people look at me a lot different. I really don't have the average guy body and am more on the curvy side so I might be confusing people. Plus I have start wearing a different hairstyle which is silly but I think that was throwing me off as well. Since I've been worried about it for the past week if it looked right. And its funny I went into my work today just to shop with a denim dress on today same makeup same hairstyle and hardly anyone recognized me at first. So I guess clothing does play a big part in it. One nice thing a lady I've known for four years said I looked like a model and told me to watch my weight and keep my figure!

I'm going to keep this courage up and I'll admit I've bottled some feeling up and shouldn't let them pour out all at once like I did yesterday.

I do plan to hang in there with my transition since I'm still young 27 in October. I don't care to go back to my old life and just be that guy sitting drinking mountain dews, eating pizza and playing video games all day long. I want to be the girl that likes to go out and chat with people and enjoy life. And I actually did that today while at the mall. I was waiting in line and the cashier had a more masucline voice then me but was still a super cute girl. So I just talked to her the entire time and it did not come across as awkward or forced.

Hang in there Raven, you're doing a great job girl.

I may still be pre-everything but quite a few of the feelings you described feel familiar. I know you can do it. Just go at your own pace and try to remember that while feelings & moods do fluctuate a lot you should try to feel confident.

Hugs

*
RavenL:

Congratulations on your first month.

Your picture that you posted appears to be quite a presentable, attractive young female.  You are doing well!

You post that you are 26 years old.  I can recall where I was in my transition at age 26 and I was nervous as well.  I remained focused to my goal while making small, accountable steps along the way.

Counsellors are good; remain with yours if you are making progress.

Please allow my two cents worth having walked this road and paved part of this path for you to follow.

Find a way to meet with your trans support group - whether individually or as the group. If your current group can't meet your needs (meet other days to accommodate your work schedule), then seek another.  If you are near Albuquerque, there should be more support groups - browse for them on-line - make friends with members of those groups - meet on your schedule one-on-one.  I lived at Ramah and found a friendly physician at Gallup; that was 1977 - 1978.

I feel your pain.  I was engaged in feminine protesting since at least age 3; no one was surprised at my change yet I lost my entire family - immediate and extended.  My closest 'friends' abandoned me.  I did not do that 'c-w-d' scene as your new 'friends' are seeking of you.  I got involved with volunteer groups and charities; I made friends from those experiences.  So, after work or on weekends, consider finding those extra-curricular activities to expand your circle.  You are under no obligation to tell anyone about your self unless you feel comfortable following a time; otherwise it's your business and not theirs.

Work with friendly females who can be honest with you and teach you how to improve your appearance where you want to make improvements.  Practise in the private comforts of your home - wardrobe, make-up, perfume, mannerisms, walking, talking, etc.  Look at yourself in the mirror a your try new things.  Record yourself for your review.

Unfortuneately, there will be boors out there who try rattling your nerves; ignore them.  Women get those same rude comments for the same crude reasons.  Counselling and support will work you through those moments; work with your friends.  I experienced a constant barrage of 'She's a he. No, he's a she.' at work for seven years.  I wanted to shrink up and crawl in a hole; instead I walked past those 'people' with my head head high. Honestly, Raven, I look back at that time beginning 35 years ago and I wonder how I survived, but I did and here I am +30 years post-transition, post-op, female full-time.  Yes, I still hurts; I am the better person out of that arrangement.

Presentation and perception is part of transition - 'passing the 'passing' test'.  I acquired my all-female uni-sex wardrobe (jeans, top, shoes, sox) by 1979.  For example, I could wear the same uni-sex female attire: 

     -  If I presented as male, then others perceived me as male.

     -  If I presented as female, others perceived me as female.

Maybe not 100% but enough to where I found confidence from those who made the correct identification.  Here's the kicker.  You are likely noticing when impolite 'people' make bad remarks while you are presenting as female.  There are probably others doing the same but in the opposite - when you were presenting as male and they commented of you as female.  Think about that - the latter circumstances would please you as much as the former circumstances hurt you.

Other examples were among my final proofs that I 'passed my 'passing' test'.  I was doing my best to present as male at work where I was employed as male, yet strangers - frequently men - called me 'Miss' or mistook me for female.  People on the telephone who did not know me called me 'Miss' because my voice did not change.  Noticing these little acts will go a long way to boost your internal satisfaction.

You are learning the negative practicalities of the differences of the sexes - discrimination.  Men will lop off 100 points from your IQ score.  They will call you obscene names and speak in rough terms.  You will face discrimination at work; you might be denied pay raises or job promotions because you are female.  If you try changing employment, prospective employers will direct you to their clerical pool, not their professional positions for which you might be qualified.  Yes, at some point you will need to decide for yourself how to balance your female identity imperative to the comforts of male privilege; you might find a positive decision or settle for a worst case scenario.

Your description of your work environment sounds horrid; not really unusual, sad to say.  Your co-workers will continue speaking against you regardless of what you do, so do only what you want to do that is best for you.  If that also means separating from that employ, then resolve that possibility. Looking back, I can see that I had a prime opportunity to change from male to female at work when my supervisor mistakenly accused me of being a female working there as a male; I now see how that was a perfect cue for my situation that I should have arrived at work the next day as female.  I'm writing this to you to encourage you to examine your options - you may come upon an unexpected surprise.

Allow me to add this epiphany moment.  I had been female full-time post- since 1985; yet there I was on vacation at Port Orford, Oregon, when it really hit me.  I took a side glance at the bathroom mirror and realised I saw a women in the reflection.  It was not the first time - but it was that Ah-ha! time.  I scanned her from head to toe and every aspect of her was correct.  You, dear Raven, are barely one month in transition.  Please understand that you and your mind will hold that male image for a few years.  It might take deliberate efforts to see yourself as female in your mirror.  As I wrote at the beginning of this, you are a very attractive, young women in the picture that you post here.

Emily made very good points - she transitioned at parts of her life.  So too did I; I did not simply go to sleep one night as my male predecessor and awake the next morning as Sharon and female.  I went to work as male,  I attended church as male,  I had friends as male.  Then there were times I went grocery shopping as female, filled up the gasoline tank as female, walked the hallways of familiar places as female (where they knew me as male), attended a Christmas event as female (where the people knew me as male), bought postage stamps at the Post Office as female.  People made no identification of me as other than female during those female parts of my life.  As with Emily's part-time transitioning, my part-time mode occurred from 1979 to 1985 - that's six years and I marked each day, week, month, and year as a success as I progressed more to female and eliminated male.

Yakayla makes very good point in her first paragraph.  Re-read her post.  Likewise, the others also made very good points.  We are here for you.

Take care  -  Enjoy!  -  HUGGSS

*

Its a natural human reaction. When we start soething new we get carried on a wave of enthusiasm, we even have a word for it, the honeymoon period, when it seems things cant go wrong. Then that ends and reality bites home and often we swing the other way seeing all the problems - and perhaps thinking we should give up.

Eventually after several oscilations too and fro we find an equlibrium - and then and only then the change becomes real and permanent.

This happens whether you are transitioning, starting a new job, starting a new relationship,,getting married, or even as I am training for a new carreer. The trick is to anticipate your feelings and not get thrown off course by them. So acknowledge their validity and let them pass. Find your new equilibrium and move onwards.

Quote from: FriendsCallMeChris on August 19, 2015, 11:48:12 AM
and be true to myself instead of a stereotype.

Amen brother!

Hi Raven,
I can really feel your pain from what you posted, and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.
I'm sure being sick isn't helping things. Take a day at a time and get plenty of rest and some extra vitamins. When you're feeling better you'll be more clear headed to make decisions.
Don't ever think of yourself as a man in a wig. You know in your heart what gender you are, so don't beat yourself up with doubt or feel less than anyone else. Nobody asks for the cards they're dealt and we just got to deal with them the best we can. You are good enough as you are and you are a valuable and important person.
If you're struggling with padding right now, part could be your own negative feelings...people pick up on them. Think female, know female, and accept nothing less about yourself...just psych yourself up. Bio-women get wrongly outed too so remember that and let this stuff go.
It's a very hard time in transition. It gets easier but only you know how dedicated you are to it. For me there was no other choice but to do it. If you're unsure, there's nothing wrong with de-transitioning...where I had my SRS one of the guest house workers decided to de-transition shortly after I was there...she had seemed like everything was ok but I guess she had issues and didn't want to pursue transition anymore...matter of fact, I was supposed to share a hospital room but my roommate cancelled surgery for the 3rd time after flying in. Nobody should do anything they're not totally comfortable with.
I hope that when you're feeling better you'll be able to get more clarity on where you want to go.
Hugs, JS


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Quote from: Tessa James on August 20, 2015, 05:52:11 PM
Amen brother!

:)

Thanks Katleyn and Kelly!

And Sharon wow that is one great post!

I'll just touch on a few points that you made. I have so much I want to write but afraid I might end up making a novel!

I am trying to find groups to meet up with right now. But I'm probably going to wait a few months right now. To be honest this year before throwing away the old me I let a lot of stuff go and I'm trying to get everything put back together. The biggest change I've done is almost completely redoing my entire house. So now it is looking warm in inviting and not cold and sterile like before.

I did reach out to a few of my friends and one is planning a trip to the mall with me maybe next week. Also kind of small but one friend added me to a closed group on Facebook that's just about eyelash styles. Small but it helps that she thinks of me as female and trying to help me out.   

I've really been practicing stuff while at home also. And usually take an hour or so just to try different makeup styles some times during the night. Also making sure to use my higher voice at all times even while talking to my cats! One thing that made me happy last night is I'm crossing my legs without even realizing it.

I did have one thing that kind of almost bothered me today. While going to my therapist today some workers were doing some work on an outside building. And they stopped talking as I walked by  and watched me and a few seconds later I heard them laugh. Almost got upset but then I realized are they laughing at me or sharing some dirty joke about me and see me as female? So I didn't let myself get upset and even if they knew I was trans so what? I'm never going to see them again in my life most likely.

For my work right now its not horrid but not great. One big part is the manager of the store really let the place go and got the option to seek a better job. So a new store manager is coming this week and I've known her for four years and pretty sure stuff is going to improve pretty quickly. One good thing is my position is pretty new it hasn't been in effect for a month yet. And  there are three other guys the hold the same position and they see me as the leader and the one to come to. I think it helps that they really didn't know me really as a male. So most of the trouble I get from those I worked with for a long time. I really don't want to leave since I've worked my way up from a temp worker all the way to management at this point. And anywhere else I'd go I'll end up making half of what I'm making an hour right now. 

Sharon you've really helped me out big time with that post. I'd write more but I'm afraid it would turn into a book. But I'm going to remember so much of what you told me thank you!

Rejennyrated honeymoon is a good way to describe it. Some of the stuff has finally hit home for me and I guess my mind has finally caught up with me.

Also I like your idea of finding equilibrium and feel like I am starting on that path. Really today I just went out and was myself and kept negative thoughts at bay.

januarysunshine Thankfully I haven't been sick for almost two weeks now. It just hung around forever with stuff in my throat and a stuffy nose. Which did cause me to worry about my voice since I sounded horrible! But I'm 100% better now and can finally smell!

As for thinking female and psyching myself up that's something I thought about today. No matter how a cisfemale looks she never doubts herself and I need to do the same thing. I'm female and like you said not a dude in a wig and as a got told today I looked super passable.

So again I really thank everyone for all this great advice. And I've pretty much gone through and have been reading each reply three to four times each!

I just wanted to add a few other things that happened today. I really opened up to my therapist today and he could tell that I was still kind of bothered by it. And like its been pointed out here reality is kind of sinking in for me. Yes its hard being female and there are great and not so great parts. And I'm starting to realize that but he doesn't see me deciding to go back to the old me. And one thing we did touch on was kind of my low self esteem I do get. Which I did some thinking on and some of it might have been my father's fault. Since he always told me I would never do anything right or succeed in life. I think getting that hammered into my head for eighteen years didn't help me out any. So that is something I do need to work on.

I did kind of have a realization yesterday while at the mall. While walking by I guess a barber shop one guy was talking rather loudly how bad *** he looked and another guy was agreeing. And I thought you know that's not me or how I want to act. Not male bashing or anything if you are happy that's all that matters.

It did make me super happy today when I went shopping today and got called ma'am by the clerk. Also went into like four different stores and never got a strange look or comment. I acted confident and didn't let anything negative try to come over me.

Sorry for the book I wrote 

Wow raven, you can realy write, thats a compliment, because you are writing a book, each post you make is another chapter of  "a day in the life of raven" I enjoy reading your journey. :)

over here, clerks dont realy sir or ma'am us, they just smile and ask how they can help. And at the check out they say next, look for the person walking towards them, and smile, wait for us to hand them our stuff, add it all up and say (price) please. then we pay.

But I can understand that feeling of being gendered corectly,

The first time I went into a store, I spent like you said you do maybe an hour walking up and down the isles, then I see somthing I like, and then look for somthing to go with it. So I chose an outfit in store for the first time (second time out), goes to the check out with my friend, Everything went as ussual untill the woman see's the shoes I choose, she sparked up a conversation, that she likes them but preffered the TAN ones, They ask me if ther was any of those ones left, I say I couldn't remember seeing any. (a bit more talking as she was adding my stuff up) I was a cupple of pound to short, so I asked my friend who came with me if i could borrow it to save paying on my card.

I had also offered to buy a top for my friend that she seemed to like, the top was about the same price as how much I was short, so my friend joked and said does that mean She was buying her own top, the woman looked at her, and my fiend felt the need to exsplan what she ment, but she misgendered me saying "Oh he offered to buy me a top for the same amount".

Now I didnt hear the misgender but, my friend and the woman simultainiusly took in what my friend had just said, my friend went white and felt realy, realy bad almost comming to tears and begging for forgivness. And the woman was genuinly surprised and said she would never of guessed and still couldnt tell. so yeah when you can tell your taken for your gender without effort, it does make you feel happy :)

So I kind of remember your story, how your coworkers outed you and you felt more or less forced to go full time. That would have been good if you were ready to but apparently you weren't.

All of this is in the past now, so let's see how we can make the best of this.

I'll give you a few bullet points based on my own observations and experience.

Being misgendered. If you don't have a naturally feminine look and you aren't on HRT you will most likely be misgendered. That's just how it is, unfortunately. My early days on HRT put me nowhere near passable. I dealt with it and took baby steps coming out. Even today, almost 9 months in, I'm sure people can clock me. But I am a lot better than I was! The point here is that things will get better given HRT and frankly just time to figure things out. People calling you "sir" to your face. Some people may do it deliberately. Some may do it by pure reflex. The deliberate ones you can't do much about but you can politely ask them to stop doing it. It gets tiring, I know.

Your voice. Get an honest assessment of your voice. You would not believe how powerful the voice is as a marker. You say your voice sounds gender ambiguous, but maybe leaning femme. That may or may not be good enough. You won't know until someone tells you. Start with the voice forum. Even send me a voice recording and I'll tell you privately, honestly how you sound. Even with a shadow on my face, my voice gets me called "ma'am" or "miss" every single time. It has been a major boost to my confidence.

Your clothing. Unfortunately you're stuck with that bland uniform they give you, which doesn't give you much opportunity to use clothing to enhance your look. Outside of work though, you should dress as femme as you want. My mom give me a blunt piece of advice - throw away the straight jeans because I look like a "total guy." It hurt that she said that but she was right! Wearing dresses and skirts makes my whole image look femme. Wearing the right kind of pants also makes me look femme. Wearing the $15 straight amanda jeans from costco makes me look like a guy.

Don't expect to go from zero to stealth in one month. Won't happen. It's a gradual process, and HRT takes time to work when you get there. For transition, one needs a thick skin and needs to be able to brush off occasional (or frequent) misgendering.

Good luck, I wish you all the best. I do hope you can reach the point that you want to.

I just found this tread Raven and the others have given you some useful information but naturally I am going to give you my two cents worth. Passing 100% of the time isn't possible. If nothing else another transsexual might spot you and they know what to look for. In addition anyone who works around your therapist office will most likely know. When I went for my first visit with Dr Haben, the taxi driver knew because he had driven many people to the doctors office and a fair number were transexuals.

You also have develop a thick skin about this because people will know if it bothers you and if they know, they will push it even farther. You have come so far in such a short time, you expect everything to be in place but the world doesn't move anywhere as fast as you did. it will take time for people to get used to the new you. Your image may need additional refinement that will happen over time and your attitude around other people won't happen over night. Most of us take 6 months, a year or even longer part time getting the kinks worked out before going full time. I must have worked on my image over a year and I would have taken a bit longer had my hand not been forced. You did it in a couple of months so expect a few problems.

On the other hand you should take pride in the fact that you are accepted many place away from work. By now you should see what's possible and that you can live and work as a woman. Don't let a few problems destroy all the work you have done so far. You have proven you can overcome just about any obstruction paced before you so don't let others block you from your goal.

ButterflyVickster, saying that I can really write made my day! I guess all the hours writing reports on history and literature classes actually did something after all. Time for another book!

Your story is kind of like mine in a way. The first day I went full time at work I went to a nightly meeting for all the overnight people. Standing and minding my own business while the manager is talking. And she looked over to me and said "dead name, how big was the frozen truck" I saw her face turn white as a sheet but she kept it together. And I didn't let it get to me just gave her the piece count. She was really worried after the meeting since I got called by my old name in front of like thirty people. But I reassured her it wasn't a problem since everyone already knew about me.

Of course I still get the occasional dead name and sir from people that know me at work. But its mostly over my radio at this point and they usually catch the mistake pretty quickly. So I really don't mind and if they do say sir I just reply din't know I was one.

iKate, I'll freely admit that I probably made a mistake going full time or maybe not. Really know way to tell right now but when I did start trying to have a double life it was pretty difficult for me. If I had to make the choice again to do it all over I would've waited a few more months and don't advise anyone else to jump in as fast as I did. But what is done is done at this point and no turning back.

As for being misgendered I've made it my goal to correct anyone that does do that. I'm not going to let it bother me plus a few female friends that are super girly looking also told me they have been called sir before.

As for the voice you've helped me out along with Dena also so it is improving. The weird thing is I do record myself speaking in my everyday voice pretty much every day. And maybe its the mic on my phone since I sound absolutely horrible. I know the voice I hear when talking is not the same as the one that other people have heard. But I've asked probably twenty five people in person to be honest and they say its fine. Or they might just be super nice in which case is kind of upsetting.

As for clothing yup khaki pants and navy blue shirts don't help me out anyway. But outside of work I'm super femme and haven't worn pants on my days off in forever. And never have to worry about jeans because I seriously hate them.

Dena, first off the photo of you is so pretty! I have realized that passing is never going to be 100% possible. I watched one of Princessjoules video's on Youtube where she got clocked while on vacation. Which I have no idea how since she looks excautly like a cisfemale at least to me. Plus I think Tuesday night at work I spotted what might have been a MtF. I couldn't really figure it out but the way she was dressed didn't look right and her walk was super stiff. Might have been nothing but I guess my radar kind of went off. Since usually when I see another female I never give them a second look.

And it is taking a lot of time for people to get used to me some longer then others. A lot of coworkers jumped right in and had no problem from day one talking to me. While others its been almost month and they still haven't said much to me. Its going to take time like you said but I do get a lot more hello's then I ever did before.

I am kind of proud of everything I have done in such a short amount of time. And knowing that a few people do look up to me makes it all worth it. However a lot of credit needs to be given to everyone on this forum. Otherwise I have no idea what I'd be doing at this point in my life.

As for today no big problems at all unless you count spending too much shopping! I did chat with a clerk again today and while I had doubts on my voice she never looked at me funny and just commented on the nice stuff I bought. Oh and I did get a total pass while at the grocery store. A nice looking guy saw I was waiting to get into an aisle and stopped and waved his arm saying "After you." So that really made me happy today! 

If voice is an issue for you, you can post your voice over on the voice forms for others to review and comment. I can listen to my voice without winching but I have trained myself to ignore the part that grates on my nerves and hear my voice as others do. For the moment it might just be better to let others judge your voice.

As for my picture, I don't recall when it was taken but it might be as much as 30 years ago. If you really want to grimace, send me an email address by PM and I will show you the before pictures as long as you promise you will not post those pictures on the internet.

I have one app on my Samsung Note 3 that I've been using but I don't know if its the app or my phone. I played around with it today and even had my mother speak into it and it makes her sound awfully deep also. So I've ditched stopped using that one and found a much better one. Plus I can watch the pitch in real time while its recording and I've noticed where I'm alright at the beginning of my sentence and end but kind of go low in the middle. I'll post some recordings next week its been raining this afternoon and my allergies are acting up. And my fun four eleven hour shifts start tomorrow so hardly anytime for practice.

And its funny listening to my voice doesn't bother me like my old male voice did. Whenever I heard it I wanted to stab my eardrums out!

As for the before pictures I'll have to think about that not really sure.

Quote from: RavenL on August 21, 2015, 04:33:05 PM
However a lot of credit needs to be given to everyone on this forum. Otherwise I have no idea what I'd be doing at this point in my life.

This is such a wonderful place full of people who have incredible experience who are willing to share with us. I too don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this forum.  The people here have helped me in so many ways and some have become real life friends. The shared experiences found here make me feel so normal and made me realize that if all of these other people can make transition work so can I.

Keep up the great job girl you have so many people rooting for your success.

Dear Raven,

What you have written makes me wonder if your experience is similar to mine.

I am very young and I have done nothing major in terms of transition. I am not going to pretend to be more experienced than I am, but your post reminds me of myself, so I thought I might be able to help.

I am a trans guy.

Getting myself to become comfortable with the idea of living as the opposite sex was a lot like getting a manual drive vehicle going — I had to push through with herculean effort before finally getting my mind/heart to run smoothly. Initially, the only thing I knew was that I did not feel like a female. This was beyond feeling masculine; I had realized that I saw myself in the mirror as a male rather than a female. This is important, and this is the first thing you need to understand. You need to have some sort of reason like this backing up your desire to transition, some grounded truth you are certain of which you can look to when you feel unsure of things.

My transition started with a haircut. At the time, it seemed like the biggest deal in the world, and when I finally saw myself in the mirror with my new do', my heart sank. It may sound silly, but I cried a little bit that night for my hair. It was a symbol of the path I was about to go down, and I was so uncertain. I felt utter despair not knowing what I wanted, not being able to tell if I was going to regret it or not, I felt grief, and most of all, I felt guilt — for putting to rest the girl my friends and family had known for so long. I started passing as male immediately. However, all the male pronouns and the 'sir's and the 'buddy's actually made me feel a whole lot worse. It made me feel even more guilty, and the whole time I felt like I was making some sort of commitment to a very difficult and risky trek. I eventually reached a place where I was determined to end my own life.

What saved my life was coming out to two amazing, accepting friends who are very dear to me. They treated me like a male and referred to me as male with no slip-ups. I may not have been sure that I was a guy, but to them it was an unquestionable truth, and this is what gave me the confidence I needed to look at my situation with clarity. This is the second thing you need to understand. If you are not in a place of security, in which the environment surrounding you has transitioned with you, it is very likely you will emotionally distort your conclusions. I cannot emphasize enough the unbelievable difference between having people who have faith in your transition and lacking that necessity. I am finally at a place where I am completely optimistic about transitioning to male. I know my life is going to be great and I know that this is what I want.

The third and final thing that you need to know is that if you are a sentimental person, as I am, you may be simply undergoing temporary grief. Your transition has suddenly thrusted you into uncharted territory, which can make you feel alone, terrified, and longing for your past. It can also be discouraging to feel surrounded by trans people who appear so much more confident than yourself in their choices, but I believe some people are just more prone to craving familiarity than others.

I hope this was of some help to you.

Best Of Luck,
-N





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Hey there Raven.  Sorry to hear what you are going through, but you'll get through it.  If it were easy, everyone would be transitioning; it is the pain that somehow eventually makes us stronger.

I know there have been several replies to you initial and subsequent posts, and I wish that had read it sooner.  Just step back, take a deep breath, and assess, reassessing if you have to.  Kids are going to be kids thanks to the upbringing so many of them have in this so called modern age.  The little rat bastards could use a lesson or two in manners albeit it there are SOME that mind very well.

If and when someone calls you "sir". try and take it in stride.  Just respond with something like "Sweetie, you don't have to call me sir" or "honey, don't you think that I'm past the 'sir' stage?"  Put them on the spot and watch how fast YOU control the conversation or situation.  You'll find that you'll eventually have some fun doing so.  Don't be confrontational, and whatever you say say with a smile. 

You are a trans woman, so by default you a a strong person.  You know that we are all in your corner. 

*

Raven:

Yes, all your writing experience at school was for a purpose - these posts, if nothing else - teaching your experiences to those who follow.  That's worth more than its weight in platinum.

Write.  Write some more.  Write some more again.  Writing is good therapy on its own.  Writing forces you to put your thoughts into concrete logic and re-examine yourself when you read what you wrote.  I have probably written thousands of pages and expect to write a thousand more.  I'm still learning at age 59.

Keep writing here.  I have been enjoying reading your introspective posts and the others who post great comments in reply.

Allow me to share a serious consideration as I begin.  This opening comment can help if you (or others) have any newbie doubts.  The medical term 'phantom limb syndrome' refers to when the body persists sensing the absence of a  lost body part.  I was recently at a message board with other post-op M-F sharing comments when one member asked about phantom limb and their now-missing male 'member'.  No one at that board reported any phantom experience except as maybe a very brief, transitory experience that was soon gone; no one sensed any loss, but rather all declared a gain.  I presented that question to my TS group two weeks ago.  Likewise, no one declared any phantom feeling; it did bring out a few chuckles at the very thought that a M-F would have those feelings.  Okay, M-F post-ops at a message board and a small group at a TS meeting is hardly scientific.  The point I am setting forth is that a M-F true transsexual will NOT report that loss of anatomy the way a male will.  You are still early in your transition, Raven, and your GCS / SRS is a future concept.  If you (or anyone else reading this) suspects the potential for loss and phantom syndrome, then you will need spirit-searching and discussion with your gender counsellor to assure yourself of your future.

I hope that you are sure of your next move - your court hearing for your name change.  Some jurisdictions provide that you include changing your sex identification on your legal documents - most notably and practically your first change will be your drivers licence.  Request a letter from your counsellor or physician for just in case purposes.  Social Security Administration will also change your name and sex in your file - they require a specifically-worded medical statement (see:  SSA regulation 'RM 10212.200' or at my web-site).  If you do not change your SSA record, then SSA will issue a discrepancy report to your employer which can take multiple trips to a SSA office to resolve; I first changed my SSA file in September 1978 and this year alone I had to go to SSA at least a half-dozen times within one month to re-correct their erroneous reversions of my file.  AGH!  Your complete legal change of name and sex will also allow you to get your new / revised US Passport in your new name and as female.  IRS can deny paying your income tax refunds if your name and sex do not match.  Medical services can be denied or insurance coverage not paid if your sex does not match - meaning that your presenting sex (female) must match your legalised sex (female).  I am writing this to you from my own personal experiences.

Allow me to tell you about people calling you your 'dead name' (I kinda like that term for your male predecessor name) versus calling you Raven (your female name).  Some people see their change as the 'death' of the 'before' person and the 'birth' of their 'after' person.  My family rejected me - totally.  But I give credit to my dad despite that he NEVER called me Sharon, my chosen name, and failed to use female pronouns because he could not do that.  It was not in him and he was honest about that.  On the other hand, other family - immediate and extended - called me Sharon and used female pronouns.  Should that not have made me feel good?  NO!  They did that in their derision, not their acceptance; the more they did it, the more they hoped they could demean me.  I preferred they would not have bothered.  Their efforts mattered little since they chose to break off all contact with me.  My loss is my gain.

Let me tell you more about 'dead name'.  My immediate family (father, mother, sister) and I lived geographically distant from each other by the time I began my true transition (1979).  The closest of the three was my father, about a two hours drive, once I made it past post-op and female full-time (1985).  He came to visit me several times each year, but he would not allow me to visit him; I did not know why until years later.  Meanwhile, my sister and I resided approximately 1.000 miles distant and my mother resided approximately 2.000 miles distant; neither locations were easy travelling though I went to my sister first upon my full-time and forever status.  She was cold to me.

I went to manage my dad's home and property after he died (1989) and that is how I learned why he did not want me to visit him.  The neighbours approached me and expressed their remorse how sad it was that first his son died so young and then the father died - that I must be the grieving daughter / sister.  I caught their cue and played along - it was easier than trying to explain the truth.

It was not that my father considered me 'dead' - as when someone says in rejection, 'You are dead to me.'  No, my father in his complicated un-acceptance found it better in his environment to tell his friends and neighbours that Nick, his 'son' and my male predecessor, was deceased and that my dad not allow me to visit him at his home for fear of his charade failing if someone saw me and identified me as my male predecessor.  I found it amazing that none of his neighbours recognised me in 1989 - most strange since I personally knew many of them myself when I resided with my dad as a teen / young adult at that residence (1973 - 1977).  Again, I was someone who appeared familiar to them yet they apparently had no concept to think that this woman in their presence was my male predecessor.  It is another example of something I posted in my web-site how people who may have known me in our past did not recognise me in our present - in my post-op full-time female presence.  They may have sensed some recognition or familiarity of my appearance, but they were not thinking that my male predecessor had a sex change and was now this woman in their midst.  Nope.  Their perception was me as the grieving daughter / sister.

Long story short, consider the circumstances when someone uses your 'dead name' versus someone who uses Raven, your female name.  Someone using your 'dead name' may be making an honest mistake from habit while the other instance can be awkward or worse.  Bear in mind that you have known your own self longer than they have known you in either presence and it may simply be habit to use your 'dead name'.  I put thought into this for myself and allow this explanation.  No friend in my current life knows that I had a male predecessor.  If someone from my past (family or friend) came along and called me 'Nick' absent their negative connotation, then I might actually find it amusing or cute and bring up old times.

Good for you, Raven, deciding to have gone in full-time and remained with it - without ERT as well.  That takes an amazing force of personal strength.  I admire those who go directly to full-time transition because I know how much more difficult it is than entering as part-time transition.  Allow me to add that I am inter-sex female.  Some asked that it should have been easier for me with my innate goal as female.  Nope.  Despite my intimate anatomical mix-up and internal imperative, I had to deal with the outward external change same as any other M-F transsexual - the paperwork, the people, the employment, the schools, the legalities, the medical teams.  For my self and my decision-making, it was to my better situation to go part-time.  The biggest regret of my part-timing was when I failed to grasp that opportunity to change to female at work (where I was a federal government employee) once my supervisor began action to fire me for being transsexual; she had it backwards, she thought I was a female working as a male, and I still get a chuckle from her mis-identification.  She still might have continued firing me but at least I would have made my point.  In fact, I might have won the issue because a higher-grade employee of my agency working at Washington, DC, began her M-F transition at work late during my administrative process when that agency was firing me.  I could have argued that it was illogical to fire me while openly accepting the other employee.

You are so correct when asking for honest criticism.  Those who tell you everything is fine when everything is so wrong are not doing any favours for you.  Some mistakenly consider they are being polite, but they are not.  It is critical that your contacts, friends, co-workers provide accurate feedback so that you can improve.  Find friends who give honest advice and stay with them.  This is where a trans group should be better than other circumstances.

Work uniform attire is frequently male attire that both men and women wear - none flattering to female sensibility and there is little you can do about it when orders come from on high at a distant corporate office.  I am glad to read that work is doing well now.

You are correct about your comment about your own personal female attire.  One gender counsellor advised me to wear the most feminine clothes as possible for my style - that doing so would bring out the feminine in me.  It worked well.  I'm now past that mode.  Nowadays, I can wear jeans, a top, and no male-up and none mis-gender me; then I enjoy times getting 'dolled up' just the same when I want to do that mode for special occasions.  You will find your comfort zone.  Agreed; skirts and dresses are so much more comfortable during Summer heat.

I learned along my transition that this is a kind of triage:  some will be approving, some will be non-committal, and others will be oppositional.  Be thankfull for the approving - they are keepers; work on the non-committed - you might find a new friend; accept those who deny you because you are the better person who can accept them in the face of their rejection.

There are two women at my medical clinic who are quite friendly with me and welcome me when I conduct business at their departments.  They find ways to break from their work, talk with me, and ask honest questions to learn about the transsexual experience.  We discussed body hair the last time I spoke with one.  She told me that she is so jealous how my profuse male body hair feminised after a couple years on ERT; I have not shaved anything anywhere in nearly 30 years, yet she says she must shave her arms and legs almost daily.  Yes, I feel so sorry for her (and other females') predicament. 

I am so happy for you that your life is improving.  Okay, I'll accept credit as part of this board, but the credit is all yours.  You made the tough decisions all in less than one month and are doing well full-time.  Your transition should be successfull at this rate.  In comparison, when I turned age 26 (1982), I was still part-time, in the middle of my core transition years, and had no idea when I could make it to full-time (my full-time forever would wait three more years).

Allow my recommendation for you to shop at charity re-sellers such as Goodwill or Salvation Army.  They have good merchandise for good bargains; Goodwill holds half-price Saturdays every other week.  They are also a good resting place for you to deliver your 'dead name' wardrobe and accessories that you no longer need - a way for you to complete re-doing your household.

You recognised the niceties of others who unquestionably accept you as female - such as that man who let you in the aisle.  Their actions will re-inforce your transition efforts.  You'd be surprised how men respond positively when a woman returns the favour; give that a try for your own ego boost.  You might make good conversation at the check-out line or maybe even make a new friend with your smile.

Pictures?  I suppose that I awoke following 30 years as a Rip van Winkle and became daring.  You can see my 'before' and 'after' photographs at my web-site.  My  mind's eye sees my current self closer to my 20-years old 'before' self than the interim picture when my facial hair hit just before ERT.  My faux 'male' puberty began late (20s) and all I got was that facial hair that required electrolysis to clear.

Write your next book; I will take pleasure reading it.

Enjoy! and HUGGSS.

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I'm at work right now so not going to write alot. But Sharon you brought up something I dint know. With changing the Ssn I dint know I'd need a letter from a doctor or physician which at the moment I don't have. So I don't know where to go at this point  since my court date is less then three weeks from now. so I'm not sure how to find a doctor and get this fixed in such a short period.

Edit I've went over the post again and did some reading. Now this is why you shouldn't read stuff super quick. And why you should dig for information I wasn't thinking I could change my sex with social security without srs and the reason is stupid since I looked at out dated info. So I am still going to be able to change my name but I am still going to see if I can get an appointment with a doctor possibly. If worse comes to worse I'll just wait till my endo appointment.

I'll write more when I get home


Sent from my SM-N900T using Tapatalk

Alright time for my next book or not. Just got off work so kind of worn down from eleven hours. Lets see where this goes shall we?

Jessie I totally agree with you and its nice just having a place to talk.

Noah, what a great post you made! Having friends around that support you does help or even coworkers for that matter. Little by little I'm building a big list of friends and I'm starting to feel accepted. Sure I might have lost a few but they were never true friends then were they? Also I feel like my work at least today really started clicking with me. Anytime over the my radio I got called ma'am and had male coworkers put more effort into holding the door open for me. Also more then a few workers offered to help me out with things today. Another guy that I used to talk to pretty much every night about stuff kind of dropped off for about three weeks talking to me. And tonight all the sudden we started talking about Star Wars. So at least for tonight I felt super comfortable where I was at.

As for being sentimental I'm not going to argue on that point. And that's something I realized that's important that I left out of my previous posts. The I guess you could call it sadness or despair of you want kind of hit me when I started watching clips of cartoons that I watched when I was 11-12. That was kind of the last time I was happy before puberty did its nasty thing on me. So I guess that really brought up those memories of a carefree life. So that might have had something to do with it. But I won't dwell on the past I need to push forward.

Again Noah that was a great post and really hits home for me. Thanks for sharing your experience!

MsMarlo, I agree on the kids part and some needing to learn manners. But at least tonight at work I had more then a few polite ones so there is hope!

As for the sir I'm not worried about it anylonger and will just take it with a smile as you said.

Sharon, that is one awesome post you have written!

I'm glad you enjoy my writing as I have yours. And I agree it really does help clear the thoughts out. So I'm trying to make it my goal to write every day rather then sit in front of the TV for an hour at night.

For the phantom limb and SRS in general. I really don't have any reservations or worries about phantom limb. As of right now if the bits were chopped off at this moment I really won't care. At the current time the only way I know things are still working is when its awake in the morning and rest of the time it knows I hate it. So I really don't see having any issues with phantom limb or SRS in general  at least at this time. I mean I've always always considered the parts ugly and even when I was five years old thought why do I have these weird things? I do plan to get SRS and like you said that is way in the future. I did confuse one friend when she did ask me about it wondering if I was going to look forward to having sex as a female. I replied "Not even, since I'm asexual." She had a really hard time understanding why I'd even bother if I wasn't going to use it. I did my best to tell her its so I feel fully female. Its funny sometimes I think people are more confused about me being asexual then transgender.   

As for being sure of the name change yes I am completely. I have pretty much everything ready to go at this point. My name change has been put in the paper and I have the affidavit to go with it. I just need to speak with a clerk next week to clarify a few details and make some copies of documents. I've already gotten three signed letters from my therapist that in his opinion I do identify as female and its the best course of life for me. So that end is covered for me. The drivers license at least for here in New Mexico is super easy all I need is a form signed by a doctor, physician or therapist that I identify as female to get the gender changed. I'm actually going to have my therapist go ahead and sign the papers this week since the next few weeks are going to be busy.

Now on to SSA. as you can tell in the previous post in the edit I did I went way to fast reading your post. I thought I wouldn't be able to change my name with another note from a doctor or physician. And realized that's just for the sex part. And like I said the information I came across last month was outdated and thought I'd have to have SRS to get SSA to change my gender so I never looked farther. Now that I realize I can and most likely won't be able to in such a short amount of time its not a big deal for me. Yes I might have my gender listed on my SSN as male but oh well. I've never had a passport and I'm planning to leave the country anytime soon yet so that's no big deal at the moment. And really just to get my name and drivers license changed is alright for me. So I believe I can deal with have myself listed as an M with the SSA for a few months while I find a doctor or wait for the endo.

And the story about your father is really really sad I really don't know what to say. But as for the old name I got it three times today and it was corrected by the first person really quickly. Second time was by one person I've know for awhile and he hasn't been around me hardly since I went full time. We always joked with each other and I just looked at him and said "Do you think that name really fits me?" I told him it was no big deal and took it in good humor as he did with me.

I would write more but my eyes are starting to grow kind of heavy now. And I really don't care to fall asleep on my keyboard. Sharon again that is a wonderful post and appreciate the advice you have given.

Oh one final thing I got called ma'am six times today, that made me super happy!

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Raven:

Let me be certain with you to be correct.  You can change your name at SSA without any medical statement - your affirmation to your court order should be sufficient for your name change.

SSA allows four alternative options to change your sex identification at SSA (see:  'RM 10212.200' - it is also posted at my web-site).  If you can include your court order to change your sex designation (at SSA, MVD, all legal documents, etc.), then add that and be done with it.  I seem to read in your post that you have that done (your therapist letters).  Otherwise, SSA requires at least one of the following three other options to change your sex designation on your SSA file:

   (1) a specifically-worded medical statement,

   (2) a changed birth certificate with your new name and sex as female, or

   (3) a permanent US Passport with your new name and sex as female.

You write that you lack the latter two elements.  Thus, the easiest is to add the sex designation change to your court petition.  You can ask your current therapist to write the medical letter; if that works, you can add that therapist statement as further evidence for your court order seeking legal name change and sex change.  You appear all set and done for both; good for you.  Then take your certified copy of your court order of name change and sex change to SSA.  They will make a copy for their records and return the original to you.  Be certain your SSA agent provides a SSA letter to you confirming your name change and sex change - be certain their SSA confirmation letter specifies your new name and your sex as female (see my web-site page for that specific SSA letter).

SSA required me to go to court in 2007 to obtain a new court order for them to correct their error when they reverted my 1978 record (Sharon and female) to my male predecessor name and sex - they required my action to fix their mistake.  Arizona made it easy at that time.  They processed those changes through the county Superior Court's 'Self Help' center - no lawyers needed - all same-day service.  These centers provide attourneys who help petitioners complete check-form court petitions.  In 2007, they sent me to the clerk's office to pay a small fee, wait my turn at the court room for a few minutes while the judge reviewed my papers, she called me to come forward, I submitted additional documents to the judge, she asked me to make a sworn statement, and she issued my 2007 court order on the spot.  I was so relieved.  It remains the same procedure nowadays except the court fee is 10 times more.  New Mexico has its own way.  (You can see on my web-site Arizona's simple court paper to change my name and sex that SSA accepts as well as my endocrinologist's letter.)

If there is an SSA office near you, then you would do no harm going there and obtaining a review of your prospective court papers to be certain it will satisfy SSA, otherwise SSA can reject that court document and require you to obtain something different for them.  I am writing this because SSA put me through the wringer beginning January this year when I went to them to investigate possible identity theft following a burglary at my home last year.  I encountered several intransigent SSA agents for seven months as I worked to re-submit the exact same legal and medical documents they already had in my file, as well as new documents, but required me to re-submit again.

Raven, I do not know when there might have been an actual GCS / SRS requirement in previous SSA regulations.  Times were different when I made my original SSA change.  I merely wrote a letter to SSA, mentioned my medical record with my Gallup doctor, and explained that I was proceeding with my transition to female.  SSA sent an application paper for me to complete my new name and to select female as sex.  I received my new SSA card a few weeks later (September 1978).  I was ecstatic!  I remember it as if it were happening again right now.  This was the first big move on my way to forever female.

The US Passport agency does NOT require GCS / SRS to obtain your passport in you new name and as female.  Then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton eliminated that requirement for practicality purposes.  Not all M-F go through GCS / SRS; few F-M do any more than top surgery. That prior requirement for surgery was a far more oppressive obligation against M-F because F-M were not required to have any surgery.  I recently decided to obtain a new passport.  I went to the passport agency with all my documents.  They told me they will accept my medical letters written for SSA and my 2007 court petition for name and sex change.   I am awaiting my birth certificate - or whatever the state will issue.  I requested it a decade ago as part of what I was trying to do to comply with that SSA mix-up a decade ago.  The state sent a form letter to me that my 'record was sealed', that I was 'not authorised' to receive my original birth certificate, and the craziest of all, 'your record does not exist'.  I am trying again and I made a connection direct to a vital records agent to resolve this matter.  Perhaps they are more agreeable when I mentioned my request is for my passport.  The passport office told me that if the vital records office refuses to issue my birth certificate no matter what their excuse, then the passport agency has the legal authority to obligate the state / county / city to issue my document to me to complete my passport request.  This is an interesting twist for anyone out there reading this who is an adoptee who is being denied their biological birth record.

Raven, I am glad that I helpt you understand that there are many ramifications of your name change but that you will endure many obstacles if you omit legally changing your sex designation - such as for MVD, health care, health insurance, taxes and tax refunds, etc.

You want to know another level of euphoria?  When you have your legal sex changed to female, you go to your medical appointments as female, and your medical chart now starts identifying you as female.  That will be a major boost to your confidence.  You might even want to frame your first female appointment documents and put them on your wall.  Since your chart will show female, your intake nurses will ask for your 'last period' and your 'gravida' and 'para' status (pregnancies and term births); they will ask these questions to you from now on.  Be fair to the intake nurses who may not know; savor the moment they ask you even though you must tell them you are transsexual.

You will go to mammogram screenings; their intake forms will also ask for your LMP and your gravida and para status; those questions will be pleasing to you mentally.  You will note transsexual.  Don't be afraid of mammograms, they do not hurt.  You will probably get your first perhaps one year on ERT as a baseline.  Monthly self-exam may be fun but it is also serious; cancer kills.  Christine Jorgensen died with breast cancer in 1989.

Raven, I enjoyed reading your post where you commented about your 'Star Wars' friend coming back to you.  He will help you and your self-confidence.  Allow another 'dad story'.  When I first presented my female self to my dad, I told him quite literally, 'We can still watch Sunday football together.'  He and I watched Sunday NFL while I was growing up and into adulthood while living as a 'male' at his household; it was among the few things we ever did together in good spirits.  I said what I said because I suspected that he would think that now that I am female I would hate football - as if some magic wand came over me and said, 'Thou ist now female, thou shalt now hate Sunday football.'  In other words, I wanted to re-assure my dad that I am the same person under that new skin though my body to him was changed.  Hopefully your 'Star Wars' friends will realise that you are still the same as your 'dead name' person with much the same interests, only now you have a different exterior 'skin'.

You are well to embrace your sentimentality and make it work for you.  Some people connect this as self-hypnosis.  If watching your favourite cartoon sparks good memories, then focus on your positive memorable events.  These experiences will rejuvenate you.  I am musically-inclined, so I will find a song or composition, listen to it, focus on it, recollect upon the good memories, and find the experience refreshing to my soul.  If I want to cry, then I cry.  If I want to laugh, then I laugh.  I re-experience what happened in my past as if it re-occurred now - much the way self-hypnosis brings your past experiences to your present; I call it 'time travel'.

Thank you, Raven, for comprehending the phantom limb explanation.  This is another important element to determine for yourself to what extent you meet the definition as 'true transsexual'.  There is no going back - no reversal operation once you have GCS / SRS.  No counsellor, no family, no friend, no message board post can tell you what to do.  Your progress and your decisions are ultimately your own.  That you are confident with your perception is a good sign that you understand your future decision - no matter how many years in the future any GCS / SRS it may be.  What you wrote is consistent with M-F true transsexualism - your abhorrence of your male anatomy - and you will discuss this with your counsellor or gender identity therapist.

Raven, allow me to add something that I studied about M-F transsexuals in medical school (early 1980s); these facts seem to sustain in today's environment.  There are primarily two opposite forms of M-F true transsexualism (though life experiences are more complex than these two extremes):

   -  (1)  the male who has hated his anatomy since first awareness; this male frequently lives a celibate / asexual life and may even reject all masculine activities. 

   -  (2)  the 'super macho man' male who suppresses his female-hood by being the high school / college stud, playing all the masculine sports, serial-dating many girlfriends (the trophy is the cheerleader), enlisting in the military, marrying young, marrying frequently, fathering many children to prove his manhood, buying then discarding female wardrobes.

You seem to be an example of the first category.  Caitlyn Jenner appears to be a good example of the second category.  The second category really puzzles people because they presume that such a macho man would be a 'real' man; yet inside, that male is doing everything taught to him to suppress his female identity - suppressing your female identity does NOT work regardless of category.  I, too, was a first category type; I hated all the maleness of my anatomy and wanted it all gone.  When doctors confirmed inter-sex (1982), it made me even more hatefull why I got stuck with what appeared 'male' but was mal-formed female; confirmation legitimised my life of feminine protesting.  Also, Raven, there is nothing wrong obtaining the GCS / SRS and being asexual.  The surgery is about your anatomical self, not your dalliances with partners.  Again you quite well comprehend your true transsexualism versus your affinity (homosexual, heterosexual, bi-sexual, asexual, etc.).  It seems most lay people still confuse transsexualism with one's sexual activity.  It is why I disagree lumping transsexual with 'LGB' because we are not that, we are a different concept.

Thank you for your sentiment about my dad.  We had a difficult relationship.  He adopted me to be his family's male heir, but I became his younger daughter instead.  As I wrote, my entire immediate and extended family knew what was coming since I had been actively feminine protesting since age 3 - 'I AM a girl!  You can't make me be a boy!' sort of outbursts and arguments that usually followed with a beating; the family rejected me when my actual change became fait d'accompli (1985).  I never bothered telling the details to my parents when they were alive.  I told my older sister all the details last year - nearly one year ago, in fact - my legal work, my operations, my transition.  I wanted to invite her into my 2015 up-coming celebrations marking 35 years legally Sharon and female and 30 years completed transition to Sharon and female forever.  Instead, she sent an e-mail telling me that she never wanted to hear from me again.  Oh well.

It is good to read that your work-mates are making strides using your new name.  Even the best can make the occasional slip so it is good to read that you take those mistakes with good humour.  Gawd, it does feel good being called 'Ma'am', doesn't it!  I recall getting that euphoria when I was age 26 and it still feels special at age 59.  Raven, keep that feeling in your heart and never let it go.
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PS:  Raven, I have no home Internet.  I usually have access at the Public Library and a local grocery store's free wif-fi at their outside patio.  I will browse your post thread for your up-dates as often as I can to be certain all remains well for you.
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PPS:  If you are comfortable, please tell me where you live - geographically at least - to give a mental image.  I lived at Ramah (an hour's drive South of Gallup on Route 53) and taught at Pinehill High School.  I was familiar with all but the area South of I-40 and East of I-25.  I have thought of moving to either Silver City or Las Cruces.
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Enjoy! and HUGGSS
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Thanks again Sharon for your advice. Not going to write a lot here as I'm getting ready for work this morning. But I'm trying to get my head around the gender change with SSA.

I've dug and dug looking online for the court order for gender change for New Mexico I'm near Albuquerque by the way. And all I can come up with is they don't have forms for gender change . And Googling has given me zero results as far as I can find. And all that comes up is info for changing my driver licenses. So right now I'm planning to go to the courthouse this Wednesday and trying to figure this one out. Along with as you suggested to the SSA to see if my current documents will see what they say. The one thing that does worry me at the moment is how the SSA guidelines for medical is worded in RM 10212.200. As my therapist only holds an MA and LLCP. So I'm not sure if that would pass with the SSA or not?

Anyway that's all I have time for at the moment. I need to finish getting ready and will try to respond to more of your post in fourteen hours.

edit got ready quicker then I thought

So I've done a little more digging around and still can't find any info on getting the court order for gender change at all. Everything that comes up is either for name change or like I said for the driver license :o At least for the MVD they don't care for a court order for gender change just for the name change. A signed statement by my therapist is enough to please them. He offered to sign it a few weeks ago and I actually turned him down. Since I doubt anyone cares to go to the MVD more then they have to!

Digging  around on my courts website I do have to have two separate hearings. But still can't find any documents or anything on how to go about it. I might just have myself confused right now but here is what I do have and the facts going to make this quick.

Like I said my therapist just holds a MA and LLCP. And what I have right now from him is a to whom it may concern stating that in his professional opinion I do identify as female. If you want I can even PM it to you later on tonight. But I can possibly see if you can write another one on the medical side of things.

I am going to have my court order for name change most likely on September 9th if all goes alright. And like I said the gender change has to be filed differently but they don't have the forms and I will look into that Wednesday so google is giving me no help right now.

That's all for right now

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Raven:

You mention that your therapist wrote a document to be submitted as evidence to your name change - that his report concludes you as female.  Include that fact to your court petition - your gender is female and your therapist letter documents that to be true.  That legal declaration is what should satisfy SSA.  Item #3 states that:

   -  'Court order directing legal recognition of change of sex'

Arizona has no specific sex change element in its petition forms - the law is 'silent' on this aspect meaning that the petitioner includes it on our own and makes our declaration - it is not prohibited.  The judge affirms our declaration supported by evidence of our therapist / doctor.  The check box on the Arizona form is evidence to change the Birth Certificate - that includes sex assignment.  That is what I did again on my 2007 petition.  My SSA office accepted both my 2007 court order and my doctor / endo statement.  I spent about six total hours on two different days at the Maricopa County 'Self Help' center recently to also address this sex change element.  The lawyers agreed that it is inferred in Arizona law that changing the Birth Certificate includes changing the sex identification  This is 'silent' in the law which gives the judge the latitude to rule for your favour.  That is what you will do with your petition.  (I think I am writing a circular statement here in my eagerness to get this post to you.)

Raven, you will not need to worry about a separate medical statement when SSA accepts your legal court order that declares you to your female name and your female sex.  SSA requires only one of the four items, not all four.   SSA can't demand more than one from their list.  This is why I am focussing on your court order to document your name change and sex change.  When your court order affirms your name change and sex change, then you no longer need worry about your medical statement to SSA.

You are good, Raven, to ask SSA if your therapist's rating meets their definition.  If they agree it does, then your therapist's letter - written as SSA requires in the form SSA requires - should add as back-up to you court order.  If not, then ask for specifics how and why the qualifications do not meet SSA requirements.  Actually, I would guess from the form they gave to me, the medical statement probably must come from a degreed medical practitioner.  Again, this point about a medical letter is moot when you get your court order to declare you female.  That court affirmation is your priority.

Worst-case is that you will need to wait for your endo.  Another angle for right now could be your endo reviews and consults with your therapist and your endo writes the medical letter.

Good if you can get your drivers licence as female.  Go for it.  That little 'F' will do wonders for your psyche - it did for me.  I had a big grin for weeks, months even; it may have faded into some routine, but I can still recall my euphoria of that day I applied for my licence (scared as I was presenting as female to an MVD clerk who probably never dealt with such an application) and the day my first licence as Sharon and female came in the mail (overwhelmed in relief and joy and happiness and so many other senses).  I am still so amazed how well it went for me.  But as I posted, I come from a different era.  Processes - even accounting for different states - are probably quite different now though it seems the way you mention New Mexico is easy to assert female on your licence with your therapist's approval.

I must be charmed.  I can hardly ever recall a bad experience at MVD - I have lived at many states and went to many different state MVD offices and none disappointed me.  I have rarely had to wait long, most the clerks and agents have been quite helpfull, I have found surprises at some visits - including their own 'self-help' centers to quicken the process.

Raven, you asked about sending your therapist's letter to me to review.  Instead, let me know if you can you read on my web-site the letter my endo wrote, then it would seem easier for your endo to copy my endo's SSA letter (but need to make date adjustments), then you should be fine.  or I can e-mail / PM my endo's letter to you to copy.  I'm new at this site - let me know how to PM an attachment to you.  Is it sending an image?  How?

My endo's letter is not accurate but I only cared that she wrote whatever it took in her letter to get the job done at SSA; I offered to write the letter so that it would be 100% accurate, but she declined.  I am her first transsexual and have been guiding her through this.  I had a medical examination with my new primary this past Monday (17 Aug 15).  I asked her how many; she humourously counted on her fingers and said 'Seven'.  Anyway ...

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Okay, Raven.  Since you reside near Albuquerque that battle is easy - no long drives from Quemado.  Hee hee.  That was what I was hoping for because if you need to make repeated runs to SSA Albuquerque, then at least it's a commute and not a cross-country drive.  Be prepared to spend an entire day at SSA if it is same as Phoenix - long waiting time for your number to be called and being bounced from one agent to another

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Well lets see how long I can type before falling asleep. If you don't mind Sharon I'm going to cover something on your second to last post that I wasn't able to touch on this morning and last night.

I'll freely admit I was wrong on having to get SRS for the gender change by court order. That was confusion on my part since somehow I crossed that with getting my birth certificate gender changed. Which will happen one day but I was born in Alabama so that should make things somewhat fun. Sometimes I'm too much of an information sponge and soak up more info then I  can process oh well.

Its funny you mention when I get my first appointment papers listing me as female and maybe hanging them up. As I've already considered even doing something along those lines with my name change once that's done. I even have the two newspapers with my name change notice and I'm trying to figure out something to do with them.

On the mammogram screenings that's something I've alreay been planning on. I know the risk for me is really low versus a cisfemale but there is that small chance. Plus I do have the specter of cancer hanging over me daily as that's what did kill my father. Not sure if its genetic or all the airplane fuel fumes he breathed in during the 1950's. Regardless I'm taking the issue very seriously at this point and one reason I've really been starting to watch my health.

Going back to the SRS angle now and phantom limb. As it stands right now I might possibly be able to get SRS within the next three to four years. I've already pretty much calculated out most of the expenses and started saving the amount every month now to reach my goal. I realize that yeah its a major life changing thing that pretty much means never going back to the old you. And while I can't put myself three or four years in the furture I know most likely right after having it done is perfectly normal to wonder what did I just do. I've done a lot of reading and know its a huge step and a lot to take care of for the first few months, year and really the rest of my life.

As for my abhorrence of my male anatomy here is something interesting. During my first few therapy appointments my therapist had me think as far back as I could to when my gender started becoming an issue. I came up with a few times when I was young. And being the over achiever that I am went home and for the next week while lying in bed went through my memories. But something interesting he said was months even years later I'd most likely remember other things about my gender being an issue. Well that happened when I spoke about me wondering why I had such ugly things between my legs. I hadn't thought about that since I was five years old and now almost twenty two years later I remember it. The mind is really interesting the way it works.     

As for the two category's of MtF's I won't argue the point that I fall within the first one. As the second one does not fit me at all since everything you listed I've never done in my life. But something interesting that I'm just thinking of and I kind of covered it with my therapist. He did ask me one day why now did my true self come out? At the time my answer was "Well I do study some medical things just as a hobby and I know now that research shows the brain isn't done developing to around my age. And maybe that's why its finally become an issue for me." I was happy with that answer at the time. But I believe I've covered some of this on another post.

Before this year kind of the middle of last year I was alright not great but dealing with things. I did feel off in someways but kind of stuck it in the back of my head. Now thinking back September 2014 was when things did start changing and I might have the reason. During my first job was at a JCPenney call center and I worked with pretty much 95% females all the time apart from like the other three guys counting me that were there. And I was super comfortable mostly around the older women. Now at my current job that I've been with since August 2011 I pretty much worked with females till last September when I transferred to the warehouse side, I work at WalMart by the way. Big difference everyone I worked with was male and well I didn't fit in at all. I replaced a female supervisor that stepped down since she pretty gave up trying to control really rowdy guys. And just to make it clear I have absolutely nothing against males at all. And a few of the guys were really nice towards me but the majority were hyper masculine macho types. And needless to say that world wasn't for me and even worse since rumors had been floating around that I was gay.

Then was when I started noticing that I didn't fit in and couldn't relate to them at all or males in general. I should note that throughout my life I've only had one guy that I would consider a friend otherwise all female. I mean when they would talk about females I'd just be standing there when I got asked what did I prefer. If one of them commented on a female worker/customer I just couldn't relate to it. Its hard to explain but I kind of started realizing the male world isn't for me. But I still tried to make it work for me and started having a few guys come over to my home every week or so to play video games or watch movies. This was in late October early November. And this is where things started to kind of change the first few times things were great but I still felt left out. I'd watch movies and play games with them but felt as if I couldn't relate to them. I'll admit I did have fun a few times but I found it draining on my emotions. It was January early February when things did start getting worse for me. My mind starting telling me hey something is wrong this isn't you! I didn't listen and started trying to force myself to be happy. This led to buying a lot of stuff I didn't need. Mostly action figures and older video games. Just so I could say I had them and so my friends could say how cool it was that I had them. But my mood started to darken and I was in a pretty much consent state of depression for six months to were I had people worried about me. Till I started figuring stuff out and well here I am.

I would like to reply to more points on your post but when I started typing it was Sunday and now its Monday and I need sleep. Thank you again Sharon!         

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Raven:

Thank you - I received your e-mail.

We'll worry about instructions later - as long as you can extract my endocrinologist's letter from  my web-site.

Check with your endo and ask if he and your therapist can combine notes to add to your civil petition to include getting your sex legally changed.  That will make all the difference.  You can use that everywhere - school, bank / credit union, MVD, IRS, credit cards, Passport, renting an apartment, buying a home - anywhere and everywhere you have your legal presence.  Whereas, the medical letter for SSA will only serve its purpose at SSA.  This is why I am trying to encourage you to do the court petition for both name and sex change because your court affirmation will go much farther than your SSA letter.

I will also try something in the meantime - I will try sending my endo letter as an attachment to reply to your e-mail and we'll see how that works.  Nope - when I clicked the link in your e-mail to me, it led to your post here at this site.  I do not mind sending my clear endo letter to you as long as it stays between you and your medical team - and does not go elsewhere.

Also - note that the receipt you want SSA to give to you will be the document you see dated 17 Jul 15 at my web-site.  The copy SSA gave to me has that smudgey black border, my name, and it clearly states 'record corrected to show her gender of a female'.  To be clear, I had to push SSA several times to get them to print that receipt for me - I had to repeatedly be insistent that I NEEDED / REQUIRED their letter identifying my SSA name and sex on that document.

See, Raven, my point was that I spent an accumulation of several days and tens of hours just this year alone going to the Phoenix SSA office and getting them to correct their error that they created.  You mention MVD aggravation - here is SSA aggravation.  In one week alone, I spent all day Wednesday at both the SSA and MediCare offices and received their assurances that my file was corrected to Sharon and female only to return two days later and spend all day Friday to find that both SSA and MC reverted my file back to male during those two elapsed days.  Why?  How?  Who?  SSA and MC refused to give any answers to me.  Both SSA and MC agents then told me to return the next Friday to determine if they held my corrected file to Sharon and female.  I spent another entire Friday waiting in line at  both SSA and MC checking with their agents to be certain that my file was still Sharon and female.  I'm guessing that the date of 17 Jul 15 was that second, follow-up Friday when SSA reluctantly printed my receipt with my name and female.  Hopefully, this reversion will not happen again, but when it does (note my lack of confidence), I then have their own receipt of what they were supposed to have done to correct their errors - for whatever that's worth.

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Raven, you mentioned getting your birth certificate changed.  It would do no harm enquiring what Alabama requires.  They may or may not require GCS / SRS.  Or if they, too, only require a medical letter (such as from your therapist or endocrinologist), then you could be home free with those letters.  Or maybe you can submit your court order that affirms your name change and sex change to female.  Again, that's the greater good of your civil petition - it goes far-reaching into everywhere you need.

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Allow this quick comparison that I had to deal with regarding my version of GCS / SRS.  I had little reluctance - no I had full self-assurance that I was doing the correct action for my self and my future.  In comparison, I pondered for days, weeks, months, and yes years whether to get single piercings of my ears so that I could wear earrings.  That may seem odd to some but not to me.  I was fully assured of my GCS and all its ramifications.  That procedure was quite necessary and totally natural.  On the other hand, though such a simple act, I needed serious consideration when it came to my pierced ears.  I eventually got my ears done - I don't remember - 1988 or 1989.  You and others in our predicament can comprehend this balance.

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You are doing well in your foresight planning your GCS / SRS.  There are many surgeons out there who are excellent and many who could be described as butchers.  Obviously you want to find the best you can.  This procedure is a one-shot deal - corrective surgery could be very complicated.

There was a surgeon or center at Albuquerque at one time in the past - if I am not mistaken.  So many come and go.  There was also the Dr. Stanley Biber clinic at Trinidad, Colorado.  Sadly, Dr. Biber is deceased.  The surgeon who took over his practice moved it to San Francisco.

There is a surgeon here at the Phoenix area.  he is quite expencive - nearly $40k for a first-stage operation plus another $10k for a required second-stage six months later.  This two-stage process has its own complications.  Ask yourself whether you really want it done in two stages.  This would require your first stage and recovery then your second stage six months later and more recovery.  You will be in either pre-op, peri-op, or post-op, and recovery for perhaps one year with his two-stage procedure.  Can you lose one year from all your life that way?  The single-stage is done and recovery is a few weeks immediately post-op plus light activities for another few months - all far less than that two-stage.

There are at least two highly recommended GCS / SRS centers at Thailand as among the literal best-in-the-world:  Chettawut (Chet) (for Dr. Chettawut Tulayapanich) and Preecha Aesthetic Institute (PAI).  Their entire packages of the surgery, recovery, accommodations, meals, transportation, incidentals can be well less than $15k.  These two centers apply different surgical philosophies.  It will do you well to learn and study what each does to further your understanding what process you will consider (they have their own web-site as a start).

You do not need a medical degree, Raven, but here you want to do everything you can to study anatomy and physiology to understand the anatomy of both male and female and the analogies of the systems - whether by taking an actual college course of at least by reading and studying medical books.  I had no difficulty finding these resources at the Gallup Public Library nearly 40 years ago so Albuquerque ought to be well-stocked.  You can also try attending medical seminars at a hospital or if UNM has a medical center.  These 'CME' classes are totally free but are limited to people with a medical interest - hey, you have one.  Education will help you decide what process and philosophy you prefer. I have come to know one M-F who went to Chet and one who went to PAI.  Each chose for her own specific preference of the clinic's philosophy and each are satisfied with her results.  Keep active at these and other boards where you can discuss your operation options with those who have actually gone to where you consider going.

You will be spending much time in introspection as you progress through your transition.  It is good for your soul to sort through your experiences and feelings.  Back to more writing if that helps you organise your thoughts.

Thank you, Raven, for continuing to share your personal history.  Sharing your self with others - especially strangers - can be difficult at times.  I hope you can feel comfortable around the people at this web-site.  As for you to me, I am very real and I've been through my process so I am very empathetic toward others - been there done that sort of experiences that I want to share with others - to impart my experiences and what I learned to make it easy for you in the next generation who will walk our well-worn path.  That is among the reasons I began my own web-site.

Raven, you can include me among those with whom you choose to share because I can understand your past as that self-abhorrant type with the added issue of anatomy that was not correct.  As one M-F recently put it, they were those horrid 'male dangley parts' that did not belong there according to our mind's eye.  That you recognise this self-hatred of your intimate anatomy is important; it is an outlook of the M-F true transsexual and it identifies your disconnect from your hated anatomy.  No male - straight or gay - wants to experience the loss of those 'male dangley parts' (oh, my spirit friend is gonna wish she copyrighted that phrase) whereas you, me, and others of our M-F true transsexual perspective can see nothing more than to eliminate them (no phantom syndrome) and the whole host of male characteristics:  facial hair, voice, muscles, body hair, bone structure, internal organs. 

You know that all too well.  You gathered with your male friends or co-workers and they talked guy stuff that carried no interest with you.  They talked about the prowess of their 'male dangley parts', their beards, their manly voice, their body-building physiques, and 'getting the girl' - those 'hyper masculine macho types'.  You went through those males' mis-comprehending that they considered you homosexual; they had no grasp of transsexual.  Same here - the first two years at one job the abusive whispers were that I was homosexual (but they used terms I will not repeat here).  Then when my supervisor exposed me as transsexual and began action to fire me for that, it was five years of 'She's a he.  No, he's a she.' because no one understood transsexualism.  Stay strong, Raven, you are the better person among those who might jeer at you. 

As an apparent 'male', you feel more comfortable among the company of other females; this is a good sign of your female socialisation process.  I likewise found solace with female friends as friends; they had no idea so they saw me as a dutifull male and reliable company who made no sexual pressures upon them.

We have so much in common.  I can remember my similar times when other males would talk of their 'achievements'; I felt more like the fly on the wall than a participant. 

I grew up with Jeff - our families were family friends from neighbourhood, church, school.  I frequently stayed at their home as almost a second home.  I stayed with Jeff at his home for a time after my dad and I returned from our two years at Greece.  During that time as Jeff and I were between 11th Grade and 12th Grade, Jeff would talk of his exploits in the dating world.  Meanwhile, I did not get it either - I couldn't grasp his male perspective though I took note in my blossoming female perspective.  I made excuses such as that I had to devote time to my schoolwork as my reason not being socially active in that way.  Between the end of 12th Grade and my first year of college, I again resided with Jeff and his family for an extended time during that Summer (1974).  It was back to Jeff telling me of his male achievements.

During my 12th Grade and into young adult life, I developed a best friend relationship with Clint.  He was little different than Jeff - all his talk of male exploits.  Maybe some were true - maybe some were puffery - it made no difference, I had no shared perspective.

Raven, you wrote, 'It's hard to explain' yet I know exactly what you experienced because I am among those of us who were there, too.  No doubt many else at this site.  We can all relate for those of us in that self-abhorrence category.  We have all been there done that and can quite well relate.  I knew it made no sense when I heard whispers behind my back calling me homosexual.  I never was homosexual and I always knew the difference between gender identity and sexual attraction because my case was that pesky, ever-present feminine protesting - 'I AM a girl!  I am NOT a boy!' since at least age three - that is clear evidence of gender identity disorder.  The failed anatomy added to my distress.  When my doctors resolved my inter-sex by exploratory shortly into transition, eventually everything made more sense retrospectively.

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Allow me to write, Raven, that during these past few days you have become more confident about your self and your goals.  Your words are of planning and action, not words of a dark mood or depression.  Fabulous!!!  You may not want to re-read your first posts to see where you started.  Your later posts and communications are self-assured - that's what you want.

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Take Care - Enjoy! - Huggss

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Sharon, the bad thing is I haven't had an appointment with my endo let alone meet her yet. I went ahead and scheduled my appointment last month and the soonest she has available is November 4. I've looked around and  the next closet endo is in Santa Fe with the same wait time plus a hundred mile round trip. So right now all I can really do is wait it out at the moment.

And don't worry I'm planning on doing the court petition for the gender change. I'm running over to the courthouse Wednesday to ask them in person what I need to do.

As for the birth certificate as Alabama's law requires right now they would only change it after SRS. And unlike some states they make a note on the certificate that at time I was male :( But who knows the world is changing really quickly and a few years down the road it might change hopefully.

Its funny you bring up pondering on getting your ears pierced and not worrying about SRS. As of right now I'm kind of the same way. I know what I want at least at this point and time. And think time to time about getting my ears pierced but for whatever reason I'm worried that it will hurt. But on the other hand I have no issue with the unwanted things cut off and gone.

As for the SRS itself from what I've researched most likely I will go with one of the Thai surgeons as it seems they do the best work. I have no desire to have a two stage operation and would prefer to have it done once and done right the first time.   

As for studying everything I can on anatomy and physiology. I've been trying to get back into that habit when I was younger I'd pick up medical books for fun. Its just at the moment my life is kind of going a million miles an hour with everything that's going on. But hopefully once I finally get some stuff straightened out I'll have more free time. I mean still trying to redo my home. Starting buying stuff tot redecorate just need to figure out where to put it. Plus looking at painting once the weather cools down and don't get me started on my yard. And the other thing while it might seem small I am having to build an entire new wardrobe. While I have plenty of warm weather clothes at this point I am now having to build my winter set. Plus I have been trying to go out with a friend at least once a week if our schedules work. But hopefully by mid next month or early October I can finally start pursing other things.

As for sharing my story you are welcome and its no big deal for me to share it with strangers. Like I've said I'm happy to help people out and if just one person gets courage from my writings it makes it all worth it.

I need to wrap this up before I get ready for work or I'll be late. Working in diary all day today so I get to wear my nice comfy boots and jacket ;D

I do want to touch on my writing now versus last week when I made the first post. Yes there is a huge difference between me now versus me then. Writing everything out has helped me greatly and as I told one friend I still have the bad habit of keeping my emotions bottled up. Something I started when I was thirteen or fourteen before then I could cry really easily. Then started telling myself no its not how I should act. But now if something does bother me  I realize now I can't hold it back or I'll get to the spot where I was last week something I don't want again. And while my therapist appointments are helping me out they are only an hour a week. So I can only get so many feelings and thoughts out in that amount of time. But with the writing I can really explore what I am thinking and feeling for almost an hour each day now. And its really helped me set my mind towards what goals I want in my life. 

Another book if anyone cares to read my ramblings. Didn't have much time the past couple of days to do anything apart from work.

This week has been different really to say the least. I haven't received any weird looks from anyone. And even the dreaded looks from children I never saw or picked up on. Just one little girl in the shopping basket got all excited as I walked by saying "Daddy looks is that mommy?" That did bring a smile to my face. I did get another child that told his dad "Dad, that's a really tall girl." Being tall doesn't bother me at all and I wear three inch heels and own it. And had another gentleman tell me excuse me ma'am which is another plus. And something I never had happened to me before. As part of my job everyday I count almost all of the outs we have on the grocery side of the building. And as I'm counting I have a lady touch me on my arm and ask for help. In four years I've never had that happen before. But have seen postings on here that females touch other females much more then males. And one last thing I was watching a truck getting unloaded, its policy a manager has to be present. And the delivery guy comes out real quick sir and looks at me and changes it to ma'am right after he gets the r out. So this entire time this week I didn't get misgendered at all.

Another nice thing another guy I've known for four years stopped talking to me after my transition. I mean he would still talk to me but since I am his boss he kind of has to. But I ended up working with him yesterday to fix his diary department. And we actually just acted normal and he finally called me Raven after not calling me anything for a month. And it was nice that he told me I'm a lot better then the other person that covers for me on my days off. Actually I got told that three different times yesterday. Along with that I have noticed that male coworkers will even open the door for and let me go first. So I guess after a month now people are starting just to see and treat me as female. Which is making things 100% easier on my mind now.

I should add that since I was working in diary I wore a nice jacket and boots made for for winter. And I got so many comments on how good I looked and even the store manager commented how much she likes me boots. So I do feel that slowy but surely I'm starting to fall into female society at my job. I did get the dead name a few times but at this point I'm letting it go. As I know its not being done on purpose just accident. Another plus is it seems like I have a lot more workers even coming to me for advice and they appreciate having someone to listen to them and help them out.

The one little storm cloud over my week is last night I kind of had the bad feelings try to come over me. But I'm going to say that might have been from a lack of sleep as getting three hours does not do anyone any favors. As I've been told here I'm doing this for a reason and I don't need to doubt myself. Whatever I got nine hours of sleep and felt awesome this morning. One thing I do want to do is how to figure out to get rid of those feelings. Its getting kind of unnerving having it happen to me once or twice a week. One thing my therapist suggested even if I'm not religious is look into Buddhism since it focuses more calming yourself then anything.

I didn't go to the courthouse or SSA today. I had a lot of housework to do and mainly focused on getting that done. I did make a small drive to a home decor store called Kirkland's today. And had another thing happen that's never happened as I was walking towards the door a customer was walking out and she held the door open for me as she walked out and said "There you go" Really nothing big but it really made me happy. Might go back tomorrow since they have some art prints I really like and some floor lamps. 

Also had some time to work on my voice today as well. I think I found where I'm comfortable at I just need a beter way to record myself. As my phone makes me sound awful but using the app on my phone I'm able to see that my pitch is not going down low. I made sure to stop as soon as my throat started hurting. But today was pretty much awesome!

As for tomorrow I'm planning just to make it my fun day! Going to make some sunny side up eggs for breakfast. And then do my grocery shopping for the week. And after that maybe lunch, therapy appointment and then shopping till I drop at the mall. Just need to figure out what I want to wear.

Planning on Friday to do the boring courthouse stuff and SSA. Since Friday is usually my kick back and do nothing day anyway.

And the short version is you have settled into the daily grind and everything is going well.
Yes, I am reading every word you write when I find the tread but I don't comment on everything.

Daily grind indeed. Up, work, home, TV, bed and repeat! Now if I could just win the lottery and retire to a nice beach.

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Raven:

The way I read your improvements in perspective during this past week I want to nick-name you Phoenix - as in the bird that rises from the ashes to new life.

All without your endocrinologist and ERT!  You are doing so well, I would have been scared.

I previously had not bothered with my Birth Certificate; the state sealed it.  I'm in a fight now to obtain it or some other facsimile for my passport - the state refuses to release anything to me.  My perspective is that your court order supersedes your Birth Certificate.  So ... unless you really really need a Birth Certificate that your birth state marks, maybe the better decision is to wait for future improvements - maybe by the state legislature or by U.S. Congress and federal law.

Getting my ears pierced did not hurt.  That was my experience, though I have heard and read others report of great pain.  Yep, it is quite curious how we think of the complexity of such a simple act of piercing our ears while we have an easy decision about the rightness of transition, hormones, and all the inherent procedures and surgeries (electrolysis, thyroid shave, BA, VFS, FFS, GCS / SRS).

Yes, Raven, our most mundane times are pure, heavenly achievement:  re-decorating and painting our home, house work, yard work, shopping for wardrobe, socialising.  Allow me to again recommend charity re-sellers as a good place to donate your 'dead name' clothing that you no longer need and to find your new attire at greatly reduced prices.

Your story posted here is one of your own great courage and achievement that others new in their transition will find quite helpfull.  I'm glad that your daily writing is helping you.

You know it, too, Raven, how all those compliments from strangers at the store or on the street really boost your ego to do better yourself.  I am also quite impressed with your co-worker of four years who realised that you are a better 'you' for becoming Raven.  You are being a better 'you' as Raven than your 'before' you because you are a real 'you' as Raven and not a false 'you' as your 'before' you.  Your real 'you' personality shines.  You no longer feel that need to pretend your self because you are now your true self - a really nice, good person.  Your employees and co-workers like 'you' Raven compared to the 'before' you.

What did I tell you about people slipping into your 'dead name'?  When everyone realises it is accidental, it loses its sting of derision or un-acceptance.

Since today is Friday, I hope all is proceeding well at court and SSA.  I will check back here in a day or two to read what happened - that all went smoothly.

*

Sharon,

The name Phoenix is so sweet! Thank you!

I've probably said this before on this post. But one of the reasons I went ahead and went full time is it made me happy. And while I have had some bumps in the road I'll admit it beats being miserable all the time. Plus I've always been the person where if someone says it can't be done I have to try and see if it can be done. I guess a few things I do have going for me is people are commenting that I already have a very female form. Something I actually paid attention to in the mirror today. Noticing that I actually have some curves which is nice.

I agree on the birth certificate its no major concern of mine right now. So it can just sit where I have it right now and be on its own.

I almost got my ears pierced this week and actually planned to. But somehow I kind of forgot about it oh well that gives me something to do next week. And more stuff to start buying!

For the dead name clothes I actually donated pretty much everything a few days before going full time. Some other stuff I gave to a friend. And well today while digging in my closet I found a shirt and shoes in pretty bad shape. So I threw them in the garbage and can say now my entire wardrobe is 100% female. And I'm already running out of closet space!

I haven't really gone to any charity re-sellers as of yet. I was actually planning to go to a Goodwill to look around today. But decided I spent enough money and had stuff I needed to do at home anyway.

As for court and SSA well the week kind of got away from me. So I wasn't able to touch bases with either place I know bad Raven is bad. I'll admit I should have done that instead of shopping oh well.

An interesting thing is at my therapist appointment yesterday. He commented that I've really taken to acting very feminine and even more so then Cisfemales which made me happy. It was kind of interesting since this week I didn't have really any personal troubles so we mostly talked about my changing views and how my real personality is coming out. 

I also did a lot more work on my voice it kind of had it somewhat passable yesterday. And actually felt confident enough to use it. When to McDonald's just for a lemonade and got gendered right at the start of the order and at the end. Also ended up going to the mall which was kind of an experience. I've been doing a lot of shopping at Forever 21 since they have a lot of clothes I like. And the clerk has seen me a lot and she started saying how nice my fashion sense is. I couldn't pick up if she knew I was trans or not she just treated me like a regular customer. Had the something happen at another two stores. Both clerks talked to me about clothes and everyday stuff.

I think I finally realize now why its going easier. My mind finally feels comfortable with myself. As Dena said I'm falling into the day to day grind. I don't look in the mirror every five minutes wondering if I'm passable. I just go out and I'm myself I'm Raven and I'm female! And that is helping me along greatly. Just today I worse a nice sleeveless pink top with a coral design skirt. Two months ago I wouldn't have worn anything sleeveless this time I just wore it.

I feel like at this point a lot of the major obstacles are out of the way not counting legal and medical things. And my biggest issue right now since I've mastered eyeliner. Is trying to figure out how to wear shorter skirts!

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Raven:

If you enjoy craftworking, you might enjoy making your own jewelry:  bracelets, earrings, necklaces.  It is simple, creative, and a way to see accomplishment.  Quite honestly, I started when I saw jewelry and accessories - and their high prices.  I studied the items at the store, went to a craft store to buy supplies, and started making my own.  If I find something I like at the store, I study the pieces used and how it was created.  If I have those similar pieces, then I re-create my own version; otherwise I'll purchase more supplies.

When I lived at New Mexico during the 1970s, I did not quite have the crafts bug, but I recall a neighbour would invite me to ride with him to Gallup as company.  He would stop at the Native American craft stores and purchase supplies to create his own styled jewelry.

So if you give it a try, don't worry about making mistakes early - that will be how you learn what to  make.  Also, you can dismantle whatever you don't like and re-work it or start from scratch.

*

It is great reading your post how you are pleased with your therapist's complements.

I am also pleased for you having your many positive experiences:  restaurants, stores, clothing shops, the mall.  The people who meet you are picking up on your positive 'vibe' and respond with their own positivity.  There is also that back-to-mundane life - a certain sweetness to life being 'normal'.  When you act 'normal', others act 'normal' with you.

*

Keep practising your voice and inflections.  Study how other females talk - words, mannerism, pitch, facial expressions - imitate as best as possible what feels comfortable for your developing style.  No one will know that you are staring (innocently enough) if you watch TV or a movie with a critical eye; you can also pause and replay if you have it on VHS or DVD.

If you can sing, find a female vocalist whom you consider similar; practise your voice in song along with hers, record your voice with hers, and compare how well your voices match.  BTW, my singing voice was similar to Karen Carpenter - a near-perfect harmony match.  Unfortuneately, I suffered a series of illnesses through the years that damaged my singing voice but not my speaking voice.

*

I hope I am not too intrusive with this next question.  Have you begun arranging appointments for electrolysis?  If you are part of a local transsexual group, then the others will likely direct you to someone reliable.

I hated that shadow on my face that shaving did not resolve no matter how hard I scraped.  I found that I could pluck my hairs and get a better appearance - no shadow, the results can last a couple days, and my facial skin was smooth again.  Worth it for maybe the hour it took before bed-time while watching TV.  My electrologist mentioned to me that plucking contributed to destroying the hair follicle and prepared my face for the feel of the electrolysis process that made the hair go away permanently.  I have read posts of others who report electrolysis is painfull for them; my treatments did not hurt.  My electrologist used witch hazel to sooth my skin during her work; I continued that at home for the next day or so.

I went maybe once or twice each month on Saturday afternoons.  It was exciting watching the results though early sessions seemed to show little removed because she was zapping the longer hairs scattered throughout my face.  Eventually she targeted areas.  My chin cleared, my area around my mouth cleared, my neck cleared, my cheeks cleared.  I no longer plucked; she went into final clean-up mode zapping my hairs as they went through their final cycles.

Others here report using laser for their facial hair.  Maybe that will work for you instead if electrolysis.  I understand there are home laser devices or you can go to a professional.  Find what works best for you.

*

You commented about 'passing'.  It seems you are well beyond that stage:  'I'm myself I'm Raven and I'm female!'.  You are passed that passing question once you have the mind-set you wrote - you are you - you are female.  This 'passing' issue was discussed elsewhere here at another forum and came to this same discussion when concern for passing ends.  You are progressing quite well!

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So you are going for shorter skirts, Raven.  They entirely complicate your modesty - probably not something for work.  You will need your female friends to teach you what you need to know - how to move, sit, walk.

Leave it to my Catholic up-bringing.  I attended Catholic school; the nuns embarrassed the girls who wore short attire that did not touch the floor when they knelt.  Among my wardrobe, I have only two skirts that are above my knees.

*

Well, Raven, this week it will be time to resume your court and SSA responsibilities.  Your court papers for your new name and legal sex identification to female will certainly document the reality of your change.  Then it's next stop motor vehicles for your drivers licence.  That will be a grand ego boost to your self-confidence.  If your court papers meet SSA specification, you can also get your name change and female sex identification completed at SSA; be certain the SSA agent provides that receipt to you confirming your legal name and sex identification change.

*

Enjoy! and HUGGSS.

*

This should be interesting. I'm sleepy but can't sleep right now and just got done with my four day forty hour work week.

I've kind of thought about working on jewelry but not sure if I need another hobby. I've started cross stitching but I haven't even had much time for that. Along with that I enjoy reading but that doesn't happen much at all, also throw in cooking. Whatever it beats playing video games for hours on end. Plus I don't have red eyes from looking at a screen all the time. 

Didn't have a lot of time to work on my voice so far this week. I know most of the time I sounded horrible but oh well I'll improve some more on my days off. I guess the weird thing is I don't have any trouble on my days off focusing on my voice but while working I fall into bad habits. Like you said I have been paying attention to the way other females talk both in person and while watching movies. One of the main reasons I guess that everything I'm watching now is aimed at females I guess. One thing that is helping is as much as I don't care for it is I am Cait. If anything I'm learning how not to act and talk from Caitlyn Jenner. Which in a way is interesting since figured out that I was transgender around the same time she came out publicly. Not that I'm bashing her or anything but it goes to show that spending four million dollars on FFS and BA does not help you pass unless you make the effort. And something just from watching she is not doing a lot of yet.

As for singing I love singing! And pretty much sing to every song while driving. As for a singer that I can kind of get in the range of it has to the the singer from Lorde. She has kind of a deeper voice and the few times I've recorded myself singing along with her I can match her pitch. Still a lot of work to go but I'll do it.   

For electrolysis/laser I was kind of sitting back and waiting till I knew living full time as female is for me. And I figure at this point I might as well go ahead with it now. I mean I've gone more then a month full time at this point and pretty much enjoy it. Most likely I'm going to have to go with  electrolysis since my hair is on the lighter side kind of reddish blonde. But I'm going to message a laser clinc tomorrow morning and see what they say. From what I understand if they have newer equipment the laser will work on light hair. If not its going to be electrolysis not really afraid of the pain. Since I've had my head split open, been run over, had a 3,330lb pallet run over my foot. So if laser won't work I've found two places that do electrolysis.

I'll just be happy to start killing the stupid facial hair and be done with it. I'm just thankful that every where else I don't have a pile of hair and with HRT most of that will turn to really light like down hopefully!

As for skirts as I've said before even longer skirts at work wouldn't work. Just tonight I was having to crawl on the floor and get on ladders. So as much as wearing a nice khaki or black skirt would make me happy its not possible. That is until hopefully I become a salaried manager later on this year/early next year.   

As for learning from female friends on wearing shorter skirts hardly any of them do. So I've been pretty much figuring it out on my own mostly at home right now. But I have gone to the mall and haven't had much trouble. I naturally have always kept my legs closer together while walking and always crossed my legs while sitting. And also know how to sit and get up in one. I guess it helps that since the middle of June on my  days off I haven't worn anything but skirts. The day I don't have to wear pants I most likely never will again. The biggest thing is remember not to bend down!

As for court and SSA that is going to happen tomorrow. Wednesday is going to boring paperwork/cleaning day. Along with donating books to my library. Also thinking about getting another wig possibly maybe a little longer or a different color. But I will have to see how my day goes.

Oh and this week for me was um, interesting to say the least. Saturday and Sunday were pretty ok days did not get called sir just ma'am and miss. But I swear Monday I don't know what was going on. But I got clocked like seven times by little kids! I can't imagine why as I haven't had that problem. The only thing I can think of is I used some different foundation and wasn't that happy with it and didn't think it looked good on me. So maybe they picked up on that? I shouldn't have let it bother me but it did when one kid yelled out loudly "That's a boy!" And then rest of the day I got looks from I swear every kid under the age of eight. Whatever I told myself tomorrow is a new day lets make the best of it.

Well wouldn't you know it? Today not one kid even looked at me apart  from one curious little girl as she walked by me but granted I watched her as she walked by one of my department supervisors and did the same to him. But got called ma'am by two customers tonight. I don't think one lady knew what to thing when she called me ma'am and said there was a big spill and why I would have a smile on my face. And then another older gentleman told me miss your shoe is untied. I guess what I did today is before I got out of my car I just thought I'm going to own this today. Plus I did one thing I remembered I haven't been doing keeping my shoulders pulled back and really watching how I walked and stood. And just doing that seemed to help out greatly.

Well that's enough for tonight it was Tuesday when I started writing and now its Wednesday. 

*

Raven:

Yep.  Hobbies can be fun - as long as you have time for them and they interest you.

The Public Library will begin a weekly class in sewing for the next three weeks; I am planning to attend those.  I have a few hand-made items that I wear - literally made by hand because I have no sewing machine.

I do not have the wherewithal to cook and bake, I usually cook in my slow-cookers and microwave oven.  I enjoy watching the PBS cooking shows then I devise many good, simple recipes for my own type of cooking. 

*

I found YouTube videos of M-F practising their voices.  If you have home Internet for privacy, they may be able to help you with your voice.  Stay with Lorde as long as you feel comfortable in her range.  Your practising will strengthen your voice at her range.  You will eventually become natural to her range singing and it may help influence your comfort in your speaking voice.  I noticed comments from those YouTube videos that many people likewise had that nervousness not knowing how well their starting voice would sound until they found their correct pitch.  As any conductor will say, 'Practise, practise, practise'.  In the car, at home. taking a walk.  Practise and your female voice WILL became your natural voice right from the start.

*

If one is a M-F true transsexual, then simply wearing a dress and growing your hair long is not likely your complete answer.  Nor adding all the money one can spend on facial operations.  Of course, each of us has our own definition of our own female-hood same as any other female.  Caitlyn commented during her ABC interview that she does not want GCS / SRS.  I can allow my respect to Caitlyn that she is as she is - a celebrity.  Meanwhile, I am as I am - an anonymous person struggling and making my way in life.

You, Raven, have done far better in your past several weeks than Caitlyn during all her decades.  You have done it without ERT and the niceties which Caitlyn and other celebrities have at their disposal.  I really commend you for all your hard work; your serious efforts will be successfull in the long run.

*

Yes, Raven, I also have read that newer laser systems now work on lighter hair colors.  Laser probably goes much quicker than getting that probe inserted into each hair follicle - one by one.  Plus, if your facial hair is limited to small areas, then that will reduce the time to remove it all.  You will begin to feel more feminine as all that facial hair goes away and that you no longer need to shave or pluck.  Think of all the time you will save each day and all the money you will save not buying shaving gear.

If you do electrolysis, the electrologist can adjust the intensity of the 'zap'.  A lower intensity may take more time but at least it will reduce any pain you feel.  Allow her to increase the level to where you can accept them then go with that level as long as you are comfortable.  You might be surprised that you can accept far more than you might initially have thought.  You might develop a tolerance that will allow her to increase the strength as you progress.

A respectable electrologist will also allow a 'complimentary' session - show you her device and how she uses it.  She may also give a brief treatment for you.  She knows you are in it for the long term, not grandma looking to zap a few chin hairs in one sitting.  She will sell herself and her work so you hold a certain command negotiating terms not otherwise posted.  She may be willing to provide a special deal for you, it will be worth it to ask.

My electrologist began on low intensity and allowed me to increase my strength.  She also soothed my skin with witch hazel as she did her work; that felt good to the skin.  Once I was on full-strength, my electrologist required less time at each follicle and she could zap more follicles each session.  My end came really fast; then a few touch-ups along the way.

Body hair can be different.  I was extremely hairy all over my body as a 'boy'.  Some kids teased me that I was 'hairy as a bear' and I hated it.  If only they saw me today!  My body hair gradually diminished to nothing; I have no body hair except those couple places and it is feminine. It is also nice not to shave my legs these past 30-some years; I feel for women who shave their legs, arms, and elsewhere.  I have been reading these past few months that ERT can likewise make much go away naturally for many M-F - to match a sister or other female family member.  If your natural body hair is sparse now, then ERT may be all you need.

*

Some work sites provide changing rooms or lockers to dress from public clothes to work attire; or you could use the rest room stall.  You could arrive at work dressed as you choose, change into work pants, then change back to your street clothes at the end of your shift.

*

I hope all went well at court and SSA.  They may seem like big hurdles today.  Once complete, they will quickly appear as mole hills in your rear-view mirror.  Getting them done will be another ego boost and one more item to mark as compoleted on your check-list.  You will smile for days on end.

Since you are 'out' at work, your work-mates and supervisor might be impressed - you can show your court and SSA papers to those who are especially supportive to you; not limited to your HR people who may need copies for your personnel file. You are so fortuneate to be accepted at your same employer during your transition.  Many employers are coming around yet many other employers are finding ways to fire transsexuals directly or through subterfuge.  I posted my 'coming out' story here at another 'Susan's' forum ('Transgender talk » Topic:  Has anyone come out subtly at work?')

There is an added bonus for you at work if your management who has approved you to transition at work sees your papers.  You made goals, you set yourself on a path toward your goals, you took reasoned steps along that path to reach your goals, and now you have succeeded attaining your goals.  That is a quality that your superiors ought to take note.

*

I had another bit of moral support today.  As I have written, to me it NEVER gets old, it IS re-affirming to my soul - 35 years later it still feels good.

I'm working on a task that required me to go to a school office to obtain information.  I approached the desk; the woman in charge asked if I were a mom there for the day's mother-daughter event.  'Nope', I replied; I proceeded to take care of my business and departed.

Yep. Every time is ALWAYS a good time for moral and mental support.  The woman in charge of a mother-daughter event asked me if I was the 'mother' to a daughter.  How sweet that was!

Raven, NEVER let that feeling get old and routine.  You will have earned each and every one of these compliments.  No one outside your confidence need know why you have that 'big smile'.  Confidence builds more confidence. You are there. Good going!

I still have my own 'big smile' from that school proctor.

*

If it is okay, Raven, I will send an off-site PM about another issue that may stretch beyond 'family' viewing.  It is a tip that you may need to know as you progress through your early stages of transition.

*

Enjoy! and HUGGSS.

*

Ah I had most of my reply written out till my computer froze!!!!

I guess at the moment I don't really have a hobby. Well if you can call decorating a hobby which I'm enjoying a lot!

I do love to cook and bake just time is kind of thin for me. A couple weeks ago I did spend close to six hours cooking and baking and ended up with no room in my refrigerator at the end of the day. Most of the time I'm happy to make a lite salad but I do enjoy cooking Thai and Chinese food also.

I have watched many voice training videos on YouTube and have learned some neat tips. As for practicing with singing that is not a problem. As I sing all the time in my car, at home and even while shopping! One thing that is nice is my therapist commented yesterday that my voice is very steady and sounds feminine and not forced. I'm not having trouble dropping into the lower registers any longer. And now it takes effort to use my old voice and feels weird to me, I guess that is what happends after not trying to use it.

As for how far I've come without hormones and stuff like Caitlyn. Well I've done some thinking about that. I do have to admit I've started out with an alright body. I already have kind of an hourglass shape, shoulders are not much wider then a bio female, body is proportioned nicely. Also I'm happy with my face even if it is a tad long but one lady I knew shared almost the excat same facial structure as me.

So I don't know if I would've started out with a more maculine body if I would have jumped into everything so quick. The first time I did put on a dress and hair and looked in the mirror I did realize that I did have something to work with, and with some work I would see the real me in the mirror.

As for facial hair removal planned to schedule something but time got away from me this week. Not really afraid of the pain as I've done some plucking and it doesn't bother me that much. Plus I do kind of have a high pain tolerance.

Body hair hopefully I won't have to worry about it and E might take care of it. My arm hair is super light and thin, leg hair is kind of thick but it goes so slow! Chest hair um was never really bad and before I started shaving it off it was really weak. I could pull one hair out with no force and feel nothing. So I'm hoping with E it just goes away and back hair well nothing there.

For changing clothes at work its not big deal for me. As I only live eight minutes from my work and at the end of the day I'm so worn out I don't care if a chicken is nesting on my head!

Court was interesting to say the least. I doubled checked my name change papers everything is in order and good to go. I asked about the gender change and the clerk had no idea and asked a lawyer about it. She stated that he said all I had to do was fill out some forms and add it to my name change. The clerk then let me know they had a free service with a lawyer going on that day. Well I sat down at 1PM and it was 4:30PM before I finally got in. It was really boring but I did use that time to my advantage. Since phones were not allowed I just watched females and studied how they walked, talked etc. So I feel that I learned more then a few things in those hours. When I did finally ge to the lawyer she actually thought I was a bio female and said I must be wearing heels since I was so tall. I told her no I wasn't and I guess my voice passed since she just asked how tall I was. I replied 6'2 and a good reason for that. So I discussed changing my gender and actually stumped her and she did not have any info either just like me. She gave me a few numbers of other people to call to see if they knew and as of yet no one has called me back.

As for SSA they were super busy this week so it was a no go for me. I won't know probably till Thursday if they do expect my therapists letter as Wednesday my court hearing is at 10:30 and SSA closes at noon so that would be cutting it super close. I guess if worse comes to worse I'll just wait till the endo letter at this point or hope that I get a call back next week. I don't mind filing another thing for court it just would have been nice to get both done at once. Also I really don't have the option now to add it to my name change hearing as Monday is a holiday and I can't get off work Tuesday. Oh well Raven let that be a lesson to you.

As for work being accepting, well lets just say I'm leaving every one else in the dust! And I'm the one that people are coming to for advice and help with stuff. Plus it was awesome last night when a manager radioed me and asked me to find a male worker to lift something heavy. A few weeks ago I would have been told to do it! So everyone has pretty much come around to me now and see's me as female. While I have had a couple guys try to talk down to me I have made it clear that I mean business!

Along with that one manager did bring up this week that I should really think about applying the upper management quickly. So its nice everyone sees me for my work ethic and not something else.

And that's an awesome story that she thought you were a mom! I know the feeling when it leaves you smiling as I had a few this week as well.

Wednesday, well the lawyer thinking I was a bio female made me smile. Also while shopping at my work two of my kind of friends told me I looked like a fashion model. Along with that some veterans were raising money for homeless vet's so the guy asked me ma'am would you like to donate some money? Well after getting called that how could I not?  Thursday while at the mall parking lot I was dressed really feminine and looked really good. And I saw two guys walking about oh fifty feet away and I felt eyes on me and sure enough a couple seconds later I heard to whistles. That had me smiling for a good five minutes or so. While shopping I was looking for a skirt and actually got brave enough to ask for help and didn't get a second look from the clerk. Another lady at a store offered to help me and said how awesome I looked! And even while at another store's parking lot one lady said I looked really pretty.

I should also add that since I don't have breasts yet of course I did buy some very nice forms the other day. And what a difference they have made for me! I went with a c cup since it matches my body really well. And lets just say I've started to notice guys looking at my chest a lot more often now. While at one store the guy that was ringing me I could tell was talking to my chest and not me and he realized it and had said oh that necklace is really neat!

Also had to do more grocery shopping at my work today and the vets were still collecting money. And the guy told me that I looked stunning. So those comments really made my week for me and makes everything worth it.

I would like to add more but I'm going to work at 5AM and need to get some sleep.

Also I got the PM and I'll look over it now.

Raven:

How long have you resided at New Mexico?  How are you for a day trip or over-nighter?  Do you get a chuckle about 'One of Our Fifty Is Missing'?

Have you been to El Moro yet?  It is a short drive South of Grants.  Many early European explorers (1500s) passed through the area and scripted their 'graffiti' on the rocks.  It's all quite historic.  That was not too far from where I lived and worked (Ramah, Pinehill).

Then there are Navajo activities at Gallup and Window Rock, a little farther West along I-40 (Window Rock a jog North of Gallup).  They hold fairs when you can buy rugs, apparel, jewelry for really special prices.  My dad made very good deals for great Navajo crafts and art work.  You can get ideas for your home decorating Navajo-style.

*

Thai food, eh.  Are you getting your taste buds ready for your GCS / SRS trip to Thailand?  Have you tried making ginger frog legs?  Yummy!

*

Good for you about your voice work.  It is good to know that your voice is feminising naturally and that you get to it as you speak; you now know it is natural when you no longer think about it.  You also know you are making good progress now that you have a complication getting into a 'dead name' male voice.  My voice did not change because what puberty I had was late and about the time I began ERT.  I did not have much of a 'male' voice.  I was trying to do something for a friend last week and create a 'male' voice; I could not quite get it.  So yeh, Raven, you can lose your male voice once your female voice becomes natural.  Yep, many VFS patients have graciously posted their results, their exercises, and some courageously post their before voices.  Copying their exercises can help develop your feminised voice.  The VFS patients' changes are quite dramatic and real.

*

One early counsellor commented that I, too, have a 'long face'.  She advised me to avoid parting my hair in the middle - that would create a long line from top of the head to the chin.  Instead, she advised bangs, a side part, or a style with no part to break up the long.  I then went to bangs for many years.  I looked at old ID cards with my middle part and she was so correct!  I've been growing out my bangs recently and moving to a side part for a difference.

It helps you that you do have a great physical start.  It means you will be easier to transition without all the other issues - especially FFS.

Your age is also on your side.  Transitioning young (26) is far easier than when you are older (say for example 46) and your body has had many years - decades - to masculinise.  It is that much more difficult for your exogenous estrogen to do its work if your began later.

*

My electrologist advised me that my plucking was a double-edged sword.

She told me that plucking could add extra sessions if there were dormant follicles she was unable to zap.  My appointments were on a Saturday, so I withheld plucking on Friday and maybe even Thursday to give her plenty of hairs long enough to zap.  My appointments spanned enough years to make dormant follicles irrelevant.

Then there are the good points about plucking.  She told me it contributes to destroying your roots which makes electrolysis killing that damaged root much easier.  Then, as you are noticing, you are developing a tolerance of pain that will transfer to your tolerance of the electrolysis zapping the follicle.  You can test your pain by plucking a hair from somewhere else and you'll recognise how well you have progressed.  Thus, if your electrologist can use a higher strength on her device, then you can finish your treatment that much faster.

Your plucking will be less frequent as you progress through your electrolysis.  Instead of daily it might go to every other day, then to weekly, then to no more because her zapping will match your growth.  Then to no more plucking period and no more electrolysis.  You will enjoy all that as you continue.  Mark another confidence-builder completed.

Your description makes it seem likely that ERT will resolve all body hair (arms, legs, chest) and you should feminise without any further work.  Again, you will likely get a boost to your self-confidence when your body hair diminishes.

*

As I read you re-count your exploits at court, the lawyers, and SSA, I recall to mind what I have written here and elsewhere:  my only regret in my change was not doing x-y-z better.  So much of transition is a one-time act.  You never know what will happen so the best you can do is what you can do at the time you do it.  You did what you could do for court as best as you could do at that time.

I went to the Arizona Superior Court's court self-help clinics asking your same questions earlier this year when it appeared SSA was demanding I submit a third set of court papers to correct their mistakes on my name and sex change that I completed way back in 1978 and again in 2007.  Three self-help attourneys also were not certain - same as it seems of yours now.  The Arizona attourneys told me that I had nothing to lose by adding the legal sex change to the name change.  They said that the worst that could happen was a 'No' and the best could be a state constitutional change or precedent assuring that no one in any future motion could be denied their request.  With that in mind, though you are a different state, maybe you can complete those addendum papers for your legal sex change, submit them with your name change papers, and make your verbal addendum during your presentation to the judge, or at least make that a verbal motion at your hearing.  The worse your judge can do is say 'No' to your written and verbal motion; for me at Arizona, the judge gave her 'Yes' to my papers and to my verbal presentation in my past court orders.

SSA did not demand that third set of court orders from me so I did not test my court self-help attourneys' recent recommendation.  Nor am I eager to blow $400 on current court costs for something that I do not need; maybe I'm selfish on that, but $400 is 30% of my monthly income.  If anyone reading this is from Arizona and planning their legal papers, then you have this charge to make it precedent for those who will follow you.

I'm so happy for you, Raven, the way everyone at your court meetings were perceiving you as female.  That must be another confidence-boost as well as it should help you at your hearing with the judge.

You also did well using your time to observe and study.  You work is showing in your presentation.

*

As you have written in this thread and continue here, your real personality is coming forth; it replaced your 'dead name' personality.  Others in your life like you Raven compared to you your 'dead name' self.  This is so good for your confidence.  I read in your first post to this thread how you were so miserable and thought your work environment was really bad.  Now that you are changed from 'dead name' to Raven and your true personality is working, your outlook is better and those at work see that better you.  They come to you because you Raven is a better person that you 'dead name'.  Your other co-workers are also learning that neither your employer nor you accept unacceptable behaviour toward you.  That is commendable for your employer considering that many employers will either blatantly or surreptitiously find ways to harass transsexuals - there are no federal laws or protections since our transsexualism is not considered a disability (of course) but neither are we protected in a minority consideration as are LG and B (go figure).  Your employer is complimenting you by asking you to apply for promotional consideration.  They see something in you - probably again because the you Raven is a far better person than the 'dead name' you.

*

You beat me to it, Raven, when I PM'ed you.  The proper size is what matches your body.  You are having quite an experience with a chest now, aren't you.  This is a tough subject because it can bring that confidence.  On the other hand, some perceive certain male behaviour (wolf whistles, stares at your chest) as boorish, intrusive, and sexist.

* 

Keep your memories of all those events that make you smile.  Write them in your journal.  Read them whenever you need a boost from any period of doubt.

'I don't care if a chicken is nesting on my head!'   I am laughing at that one.  Good, Raven!  Is that an Alabama-ism?  I like that.  Sometimes I, too, get so tired I can crash to sleep anywhere.

Take care - Enjoy! - HUGGSs

*

A cold can give an atrocious outlook. I never pass when I'm sick. Trans troubles compound.

Honestly, if there's any doubt, take a pause. I think you look great though!

Hi Sharon,

I've been in New Mexico since 1990 till now pretty much apart from a move to Ohio from 1998-1999. Right now I'm OK with a day trip or just an over night stay. Its funny you bring it up as I've been thinking about going to Taos lately. And yes One of Our Fifty is Missing does make me chuckle. When I worked at a JCPenney call center here I had people refuse to talk to me when they asked where I was from since they thought oh you must not speak English since you are from Mexico. When I lived in Ohio it was horrible as well as I got told you don't look like you are from Mexico or have a last name.

I've never gone to El Moro but on a few family trips we did pass close by. As for home decorating Navajo style while I do like the work and style its not for me. My father really loved it and the house that I inherited was done in the style. That's were all my redecorating effort is  going to now its slowly becoming a safari/Africa them. With some Asian stuff thrown in as well.

I'm not huge on traveling but within the next few weeks with a new drivers license. I am going going to visit the zoo and art museum since I won't need to avoid pulling out my ID any longer.   

Thai food I love Thai food and curry and the hotter the better! I have a favorite Thai restaurant that makes the best Thai basil with chili sauce yum! As for frog legs just thinking about that makes me feel ill, as I am vegetarian. 

Now about the voice work I've been doing. It was weird for me today I think since I was kind of worn out from only getting little over an hour of sleep. I thought I was doing alright with it when a customer asked miss and I started talking and she said sorry for thinking you were female. OK, no bigge an hour later another customer asked for help and I made sure I sounded feminine and got thank you ma'am. I guess that's my biggest mountain to climb right now. Is getting my brain used to talking feminine while also having to think of an answer to questions right on the spot. As usually I go with advice I got from Dena which is thinking before you speak as that helps with the voice work. But when someone wants an answer right away its really hard or when I'm in a meeting. But it will get better with time and I made my mind up for tomorrow to really crack down on my voice and focus!

And for hair and the long face I knew right away bangs would help with that. Its no problem for me as I love bangs even if they were kind of annoying at first. And I won't even think about trying another hair style without them. Much like you if I parted it down the middle it wouldn't work.

I am happy that I'm starting my transition kind of early. And at least T has only had about sixteen years to effect me. However I'm really anxious for my first appointment with my endo just for the blood test alone. Years back and even at the moment I'm interested in medical things one good thing I've picked up from my father. So I've built up a fare bit of knowledge throughout the years. And just by personal observations and reading I might be I don't care to say suffering I guess gifted with low T. I know that only a blood test will prove anything but I have most of the signs of it. While some can be mental such as nothing really going on below. For a year I worked in the most physically demanding position at my work and all the guys had lots of muscles. And even doing the heavy duty work I still have arms with no muscle just fat and a thirty five pound box of cat litter is heavy for me.

For court I forgot to include in the previous post that the lawyer did say I could take a name change packet and edit it to a petition for gender change maybe. She was nice enough to redo one for me not fancy it just has the name crossed out and replaced with gender. So I have that filled out and like you said I'm going to go ahead and ask the judge all he can say is no.

For my work be accepting for the bad rap that Wal-Mart gets they are really good with transgender issues as they passed a very good policy a couple years ago. I also have access to the female bathroom but at this time I'm not brave enough and won't be till HRT most likely. I do have to say when I did bring up my transition to management the first time I was told no I couldn't use the female bathroom. I was more then happy to bring them a copy of the policy the next day. Also New Mexico is one of the better states with laws for trans people with a few holes notably for school bullying.

And in closing its funny that you bring up Alabama as I was actually born in the state but was only there for three months. And have lived pretty much all my life in New Mexico. I guess my saying come from the amount of books that I've picked up throughout my twenty six years.

butterfly, Luckily I haven't been six for a few weeks now and its made a difference. And thanks for saying I look great!

*

Raven:

You look fabulous in your new, current photograph!  You are a very attractive young woman.

M-F transition involves a time when you are in that 'passing the 'passing' test' and that other expression 'male fail'.  Those frequently apply to transition progressing from part-time to full-time.  At some point, you will go beyond transsexual and 'passing' - simply put, you will be female, no questions asked.  You may already be there. That is fantastic!  And worthy of celebration for your quick work.  You took less than two months; in comparison, I took six years.  That is why I keep saying that my regrets are that I could have done better but I failed to recognise my opportunities when they occurred.  You see yours and go at them.

You did not explicitly write it but I'm inferring that your driver's licence now has that big, beautifull 'F' on it.  Tell us about it.  How does that make you feel after this past month?  You anxieties will melt away and your confidence will soar.

How did your court hearing go?  Did you have one yet to legalise your new drivers licence to both your new name and female?  Did you get both your name and sex changed at court?  You later posted that you will have another court date for a gender change.  Is this separate from your motor vehicle name / gender change?

Does this also mean you got your new SSA file changed to female?  Or is that still pending?  Will you be using your endo's letter or a separate court order for your SSA gender change?

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I've not been to Taos, but this must be a good time of year before it gets too cold and too touristy during Winter season.

Also, you can enjoy the balloon festival at home.  This will be your first time as Raven.  Savour this year's experience with your renewed perspective.  Maybe you'll meet new friends there or maybe you can bring friends, your work-mates, or someone from your TS group.

Going to the museum and zoo will also add to your socialisation strengths.

If I recall correctly, this is also State Fair time and another opportunity to test your new self.

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Sorry about the ginger frog legs.  Doesn't anyone like frog legs here?  They do taste like chicken - tee hee hee.

I need to put together for you my various beans / grains / rices slow cooker recipes and the spices I use.  Delicious, vegetarian, and no frog legs.  I currently have soy beans warming in my slow cooker and will add such goodies as lentil, fresh garlic, ginger, oregano, curry, and fennel along with vegetables - 'Mexican' onions, tomato and a side of sweet potato.

If you like pickling, put some 'Mexican' onions in a jar with apple cider vinegar and celery seed and let set for a few weeks; don't cut them or else they become soggy. Good for snacking or adding to a meal.

Is this making anyone hungry?

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Raven, soon enough your female voice will become first nature to you.  You have been full-time in transition less than two months and you're essentially there; you mentioned only one person questioned you.  Congratulations on your great progress as it is.

You mention possible low T.  If you are correct, then that will greatly enable your ERT's ability to work against it.  A lower ERT dose may b sufficient for you.  That can be good.  There is the general sense as written in the warnings about ERT.  My PDR package insert includes:

     -  'This medication should be taken at the lowest effective dose for the shortest amount of time.'

I hope for you that your blood test gives the results that you want.

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I will avoid a detailed reply at this board about restroom facilities.  If you have never been in a female restroom, then hopefully your female co-workers will be gentle with you on etiquette and your first times.  Maybe they will let you 'go' alone until you are all comfortable with the arrangements.  This is as new to them as it is to you and they also will need time to adjust.

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I hope that I made my #50 worthwhile and count for something.

   -  'Susan's Place Transgender Resources » International » French » Topic:  Changer de sexe deviendra plus simple dès le mois prochain au Québec'

   -  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195569.new.html#new)

Quebec, Canada, removed certain unbalanced medical / surgical obligations imposed upon transsexuals seeking legal status in their new gender.

I pointed out that in the USA, the process frequently has been unbalanced against the M-F being forced into a 'gatekeeper' system and then the legal system imposing strict surgery obligations upon the M-F not foisted upon even convicted criminals.  Meanwhile, the F-M can either get whatever they want or avoid surgery or medical procedures in circumstances not correspondingly permissible for the M-F.

I concluded that a system with medical oversight of the doctor - patient relationship sufficiently assures honest candidates are granted their correct re-assigned gender status without undo burden while those attempting fraud will be denied legal protection.

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Take care - Enjoy! - HUGGSS

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Just remember that you are in the worst part of your transition right now. People you know are forced into a new reality and they haven't figured out how you fit into that reality yet. Doubts are sure to creep into your mind at this time and with people acting odd around you is sure to make one self conscious.

Give it at least 3 months before making any decisions that you may regret later. Reverting and then starting over will make it harder for people to take you seriously which will make going full time again that much harder.

Ask yourself do you want/need to be a woman or can you find happiness as a male.

White Rabbit, Actually it seems like most people have adjusted to the new me pretty much. Pretty much everyone that avoided me at first finally started talking to me these past couple weeks. I'm not getting treated as male any longer and heavy duty stuff that I would have had to do before I get told find some one else. Females are pretty much treating me as one of them and comment on my makeup or clothes usually. Well that happens during my days off shopping as on my work days I wear a uniform for four days. I even had one female manager grab my head a couple days ago and she told me she loved my nail polish. I haven't been dead named at all this week and if I do catch anyone talking about me they do use the proper name and pronouns.

Along with that I haven't had any problems with customers this week well a couple. One older lady called me miss and I slipped up on my voice and she was like sorry I thought you were female. Another one a mom had a child ask her if I was a boy or a girl since again I slipped on my voice. I am blaming that on coming in at 5AM seven hours earlier then I'm used to. At the time I was more worried about going home and sleeping then gender issues. But at least I know that people see my outward appearance as female. And the voice gets better and better every day.

As for taking three months for any major decisions well I'm kind of past that point. I'm now legally Raven as of day and while I can change it back for a couple hundred that would be horribly embarrassing to face the judge again. I have zero desire to go back to being a male and find everyday is getting better little by little. Also as you said I don't want to go back to the old me as I would become a joke.

And yes I do want/need to be a woman. For the ups and downs I have had the past few months its far out weighs my miserable life as male. Not feeling like I was in the right body and not fitting in with male social circles. I'm actually a social butterfly right now and have gained at least twenty new friends since coming out. Something the old me could never say.

And now onto Sharon!

Thanks for the comment on my picture. I've pretty much found the style that I like. I love picking out stuff to wear and matching clothing!

As for the passing test apart from the voice I'm gendered as female at least on my days off. Which I should be since I always dress 100% feminine on my days off. And like I've said I get comments on my style from people. I'm at the point right now were I'm comfortable with myself and how I look. A month ago I would see in my car for five minutes working up courage to go into a building. Now I just get out of the car and do my thing. I go shopping at the mall, grocery store, another home store were I think I'm known as the animal lady. And my favorite Asian restaurant were the waiter knows what I like by heart now. So its awesome I just get to be myself and I'm so happy!

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Drivers license doesn't have the F on it yet sorry if I confused you. As I got my name changed today I can now change my name on my license along with gender. I have my therapist appointment tomorrow and he is more then happy to sign the document saying  that its in my best interest to have an F on my drivers license. I'll change that Friday morning as my therapist appointment is late in the afternoon and the MVD here is busy during that time.

As I stated in another topic my name change went without any trouble. I didn't have a chance to ask the judge about the gender change as it was very quick less then thirty seconds here is your paper have a nice day. I don't have a separate hearing for a gender change as I've decided just to wait for my endo appointment in November. I don't see her having in issues signing it as by that time I'll have proven that I'm serious about this. So changing my gender with SSA is just going to have to wait a little over a month and a half I can live with it.

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As the balloon festival in honesty I could really careless. It just makes it a pain to drive around that area for a week I've actually have never done to before even if I've lived here for most of my life. If I do want to see balloons they usually fly over my house during the winter. However that's becoming rarer as homes pop up and they have less areas to land in.

And the State Fair I have no desire for either I've gone to one fair in my life and hated it. Overpriced stuff, overpriced food and I really can do without crowds.

But for sure going to the zoo and the art museum is in the works. And I might do some shopping around Old Town also. There is also a nice natural history museum down town that I always enjoy going to as well.

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And yup the food you described makes me hungry!

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For the restroom topic that is kind of a touchy subject. As at my work the restrooms are shared both by workers and customers. While I know with 99% certainty none of the female works would raise a stink I do have to worry about customers. As I've said I'm covered by the policy at work its just working up the courage for me. If anything I might finally use it after getting the DL changed and during the night when hardly anyone is around.

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One thought that I am having now nothing bad or anything. Is probably in a year or two I'm going to start looking for another job as I do want to be stealth if possible for me. Since as it stands right now any salaried managers that come through the door are told about me right away. And while I know management is doing their best at least I hope so. I had one new manager ask me the other day what pronouns to use when referring to me. I could tell he was embarrassed to ask me and said her/she is best and he said good since that is what he was using already.

I just want to have a life in a few years where I'm known as female and not a transgender female to everyone that comes in. Not that I'm ashamed of being transgender or anything I just wish to be able to share it with people who I trust and want to let know. 

That's all I have for now