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Title: Hello everybody
Post by: metamorphique on August 20, 2015, 10:16:00 PM
Post by: metamorphique on August 20, 2015, 10:16:00 PM
Hi, I am a 44 year old man with a wife and three school age children and I have recently admitted to my wife that I think I am transgender, she says she wants to support me and I believe her but it is hard. I wish I could rid myself of the feeling that I am somehow in the wrong body so that I can lead a relatively uncomplicated life without potentially hurting my family but it feels like that is just not going to happen. Over the past few weeks since I came out to my wife - who is the only person that knows - I have been spending a lot of time researching online, not only about transgender issues but also asking myself the following questions: Is this just a mid-life crisis? Am I gay? Am I mad? Do I suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Am I a sociopath or a psychopath? I've been wondering if it is possible just to leave this whole thing alone and put it in a box under the bed ( along with my newly acquired heels ) and I really think that would be impossible and even more damaging than the alternative of actually being brave enough to confront my problem and dealing with the possibility that I could end up living alone because of this. I did secretly dress up in my mothers clothes when I was a child and I also wanted to be a girl but I had a very masculine father who fostered an environment which was brutally macho ( funnily enough I think he was secretly gay ) and I was always getting into fights at school because real men had to stand up for themselves, anyway I went to art school when I was 18 and dropped out after a year and spent the next 10 years living on the dole (welfare) and taking as many drugs as I could get my hands on. I did do a bit of crossdressing in my twenties,wearing my girlfriends lingerie and make up and getting her to photograph me, she was doing a course in photography at the time and I told her I'd dress up just for her project but when I subsequently wanted to repeat the experience she freaked a bit, so, depression, frustration, slashed wrists, anti-depressants - end of relationship. So a couple of years later I met my wife, we immediately began having children - I went back to art school and since I graduated I have basically been a housewife; my wife makes the money while I look after the kids, do the shopping and do all the cooking which is basically ok with me because I enjoy doing these things but keeping my true feelings - I want to be a woman - repressed has resulted in further problems with depression which I have been treating with alcohol and weed which has got somewhat out of hand though I have cut back a fair bit since I came out to my wife because of the relief I felt through admitting I really am a little bit different to what you might expect from my macho carapace.
So, yes, relief but also confusion and fear. Thinking: Am I really going to do this? (transition), it kind of blows my mind because it gives me hope that I can maybe be who I really want to be but it seems also a bit like maybe planning to go on holiday on the moon if you know what I mean, like, how am I going to get there.
So, yes, relief but also confusion and fear. Thinking: Am I really going to do this? (transition), it kind of blows my mind because it gives me hope that I can maybe be who I really want to be but it seems also a bit like maybe planning to go on holiday on the moon if you know what I mean, like, how am I going to get there.
Title: Re: Hello everybody
Post by: Dena on August 20, 2015, 10:53:32 PM
Post by: Dena on August 20, 2015, 10:53:32 PM
Welcome to Susan's Place. What you are thinking about is very doable. I transitioned 33 years ago with far fewer resources available to me than are available to you. Even today you still need to break the problem into small chunks and address each one separately. If you want to do them all at once, you will be overwhelmed.
Your story reads like may I have seen/heard where a person will live with the discomfort for many years before addressing it. We can suppress our feeling for a while but at some point they wear us down and we have to do something about it. What you feel inside of you is something I felt many years ago. The difference between us is I knew I had no other option but medicine wasn't ready for me. I contained my feelings because I had no other option. Once my feeling could no longer be contained, I took the risk that medicine had progressed far enough to be able to handle me, and it had.
To help you understand yourself, I suggest you go to youtube and request "the transition channel". This is a series of videos that will allow you to explore your feelings and you should see that you fit a pretty normal pattern.
Post any questions you might have here and I will check then out when come on the site again.
Your story reads like may I have seen/heard where a person will live with the discomfort for many years before addressing it. We can suppress our feeling for a while but at some point they wear us down and we have to do something about it. What you feel inside of you is something I felt many years ago. The difference between us is I knew I had no other option but medicine wasn't ready for me. I contained my feelings because I had no other option. Once my feeling could no longer be contained, I took the risk that medicine had progressed far enough to be able to handle me, and it had.
To help you understand yourself, I suggest you go to youtube and request "the transition channel". This is a series of videos that will allow you to explore your feelings and you should see that you fit a pretty normal pattern.
Post any questions you might have here and I will check then out when come on the site again.
Title: Re: Hello everybody
Post by: metamorphique on August 21, 2015, 12:13:20 AM
Post by: metamorphique on August 21, 2015, 12:13:20 AM
Thank you Dena, it is good to get feedback from someone in this community, it is my first contact with the community and it means a lot. Thanks for the pointer towards that youtube channel, I will check it out x
Title: Re: Hello everybody
Post by: V M on August 21, 2015, 03:49:47 AM
Post by: V M on August 21, 2015, 03:49:47 AM
Hi metamorphique :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here's a few quick links to help you along
Please be sure to review
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here's a few quick links to help you along
Please be sure to review
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Hello everybody
Post by: katrinaw on August 21, 2015, 05:42:21 AM
Post by: katrinaw on August 21, 2015, 05:42:21 AM
Big warm welcome to Susan's metamorphique
Its certainly not unusual to question and try and label your feelings, sort of testing yourself. But reality is whatever you come back too, or what comes back and hits you is the real person inside trying to get out.
You do what you need to do to survive, even more so 50 to 60 years ago, the thing is though this inner voice, emotion and driver keeps coming back, regardless of your real life situation and pushes you further into a no choice situation, I tried to hide, do the "right" thing, but ended up with reasons to keep battling without transitioning, till now...
I too, right through life, cross dressed very often, right from a 6yo, knew at 4 who I really was, when I was out working I bought my own, and purged very often, "don't be stupid, you look ridiculous, what will everyone say, I'll be shunned etc." but guess what at some point you say "well that's wrong, I can be who I need to be, this is how I'll do it and prove myself and others wrong" ...
Worth seeing a gender therapist too, will help you understand yourself and your direction.
Anyway welcome and look forward to seeing you about the forum's
L Katy :-*
Its certainly not unusual to question and try and label your feelings, sort of testing yourself. But reality is whatever you come back too, or what comes back and hits you is the real person inside trying to get out.
You do what you need to do to survive, even more so 50 to 60 years ago, the thing is though this inner voice, emotion and driver keeps coming back, regardless of your real life situation and pushes you further into a no choice situation, I tried to hide, do the "right" thing, but ended up with reasons to keep battling without transitioning, till now...
I too, right through life, cross dressed very often, right from a 6yo, knew at 4 who I really was, when I was out working I bought my own, and purged very often, "don't be stupid, you look ridiculous, what will everyone say, I'll be shunned etc." but guess what at some point you say "well that's wrong, I can be who I need to be, this is how I'll do it and prove myself and others wrong" ...
Worth seeing a gender therapist too, will help you understand yourself and your direction.
Anyway welcome and look forward to seeing you about the forum's
L Katy :-*
Title: Re: Hello everybody
Post by: gennee on August 21, 2015, 01:20:21 PM
Post by: gennee on August 21, 2015, 01:20:21 PM
Hi Metamorphique and welcome to Susan's. Once we know that we are different, it's hard to keep it under wraps. It doesn't go away. The more it's repressed the bigger the toll on us. I'm happy that you are progressing towards transition.
:)
:)
Title: Re: Hello everybody
Post by: Mariah on August 21, 2015, 07:04:09 PM
Post by: Mariah on August 21, 2015, 07:04:09 PM
Hi metamorphique, welcome to Susan's. It's very normal to have those different emotions, fears, and concerns when we start out. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
Mariah
Title: Re: Hello everybody
Post by: Jacqueline on August 21, 2015, 11:08:46 PM
Post by: Jacqueline on August 21, 2015, 11:08:46 PM
metamorphique,
As the others are saying, it sounds awfully familiar. I am 50, with three teens and only just admitted this to myself about 5-6 months ago. Early age cross dressing that continued to pop up through my life. I am taking very slow baby steps, so actually not much further along than you(although I don't have any heels yet). I too was asking if it was a mid life crisis and should I just try to buy a sports car. My therapist said "you could be having a mid life crisis but would being transgender be the most logical choice?" I asked a lot of the other questions you listed.
Finally came out to my wife. Hardest thing I have ever done, after admitting to myself.
Yes you can leave it alone and not think of it and keep yourself distracted. However, the one thing it took me this long to realize is that it never goes away. It always comes back and the indicators of dysphoria will add up. The depressions, the rages, the self abuse (whether drugs, alcohol or physical), the potential for self harm.
The genie is out of the bottle and it is pretty big to cram back in there. Even if you can, you know it's still there. I can't tell you what to do. While it feels unfair to your wife and family, I have found they like the person I have become more. I am easier to get along with, slower to anger and nicer.
I hope you have found a therapist. They are very helpful for clarifying all the thoughts that are racing and careening into each other. In certain steps of transition, you may actually need a letter from one.
I wish you luck. Welcome to Susans and a whole new journey. I hope you find clarity, love and what you are looking for in as easy a way as it can happen.
Keep asking questions.
With warmth,
Joanna
As the others are saying, it sounds awfully familiar. I am 50, with three teens and only just admitted this to myself about 5-6 months ago. Early age cross dressing that continued to pop up through my life. I am taking very slow baby steps, so actually not much further along than you(although I don't have any heels yet). I too was asking if it was a mid life crisis and should I just try to buy a sports car. My therapist said "you could be having a mid life crisis but would being transgender be the most logical choice?" I asked a lot of the other questions you listed.
Finally came out to my wife. Hardest thing I have ever done, after admitting to myself.
Yes you can leave it alone and not think of it and keep yourself distracted. However, the one thing it took me this long to realize is that it never goes away. It always comes back and the indicators of dysphoria will add up. The depressions, the rages, the self abuse (whether drugs, alcohol or physical), the potential for self harm.
The genie is out of the bottle and it is pretty big to cram back in there. Even if you can, you know it's still there. I can't tell you what to do. While it feels unfair to your wife and family, I have found they like the person I have become more. I am easier to get along with, slower to anger and nicer.
I hope you have found a therapist. They are very helpful for clarifying all the thoughts that are racing and careening into each other. In certain steps of transition, you may actually need a letter from one.
I wish you luck. Welcome to Susans and a whole new journey. I hope you find clarity, love and what you are looking for in as easy a way as it can happen.
Keep asking questions.
With warmth,
Joanna