Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This is mostly a question that is directed towards those who are trans but felt like they could survive (or even thrive) with the sex they were assigned at birth. Up until this point, I've (mostly) felt like I can survive and thrive in life as a male. However, I do feel like I'm starting to get to a point where I'm not sure if I can pass up the opportunity to live as my true self, female, much longer.

What was it for you that pushed you towards transition? Was it a gradual progression and evolution of your thinking? Was it a single event that made you realize you had to go through with transition?

For me it's been a wide myriad of things that are pushing me this direction such as finding some things such as my job, despite being successful, not being as fulfilling as I'd hope. Also as I get older (I'm only 26), I keep having a harder and harder time imagining myself as a man at a an older age. I'd love to experience life as a younger woman and one of my greatest regrets is not transitioning in college. I don't want my next greatest regret to be not doing so by 30.

My 30th birthday was a big one for me. I started dressing again after a decade of not. I also share your fear of growing into an old man and dying as a man, laying there for eternity in one of my hated suits. I'm 33 now with a child and a 2nd one coming and I'm on the verge of tossing it all aside to be my true self. Gender consumes95% of my thoughts on a daily basis. I've had thoughts of self harm along the way. I came dangerously close to admitting to my wife my desire to transition last night and she's made it clear that she's gone if I ever say that. Right now I'm living by every closet trans persons' motto "Now's not a good time to transition."

When I was younger I didn't really mind growing up as a male, until about 12, when I realized I didn't fully understand what growing up male meant. It got to the point where I decided I was gay, in mississippi that's kind of a big deal... so four years of bullying later I decided I'd just play by society. Started lifting, dating girls (never dated anyone prior to) bring extremely masculine. From 16 I decided I'd join the military. Started cutting my hair... after enlisting I kept up the act for a while. But now I went to therapy for two months and I got kinda comfortable with the fact that I am trans, and I want to be the real me ^^. So my tipping point would be that I enlisted and realized that this IS a hypermasculine setting and I am just not meant for it.

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It was basically when I was able to articulate the the idea that I'm transgender to myself. Once I had the language to do that, transition was not optional for me.

My tipping point didn't come till I was in my late 20's and came after having two beautiful boys ( I'm FTM ) it was after I was in a 6 year abusive relationship when I found my true self after struggling my whole teen and child years knowing I was not in the right body and that I could no longer hid how I truly felt inside anymore. I hated the fact that I was who I was on the outside but on the inside I knew I should of been born a man I actually resented my mother for making me female for a period of time but me and my mom are still really close she is my biggest supporter at the moment, now I know I can no longer live a woman I need to do what will truly make me happy inside and out and become the man I am on the inside.

I grew up in the late 60-70's and there wasn't even a word for it except "Queers" and there was no way you want to be one of them. I knew when I was 4 or 5 and also realised about the same time that I was a boy and was expected to behave in such a way. By the time I was 19 I was sure I needed to transition and went to a therapist for help but this ended very badly. At one stage I found information about cross dressers and thought I must be one of them...So I cross dressed no relief just made things worse...I found that odd at the time but decided that it was just my lot in life. As I have grown older the conflict has begun to tear me apart. About 2 years ago I had a natural drop in testosterone to that of a cis-female and I didn't go to the Dr for nearly a year after I suspected my testosterone was low...why...because for the first time in my life I actually felt really well and happy. Starting to feel this way triggered me to investigate why and what had changed which is when I discovered the low testosterone. Off to he Dr because I didn't think it was particularly healthy despite being delighted with the results.

During this time I began to look a bit more closely at my cross dressing and the why I had these other things happening to me and not to other people like a constant dialogue in my head, constantly wanting to be the other sex, constantly fighting the ever growing desire to live my life as I really felt. This was tainted by all sorts of fears and denial. After seeing the Dr he game me a T shot to have and I initially felt better for the first 12 or so hrs and then it was like someone turned the dial up on my Dysphoria to full blast and the next 2 months were hell. I was moody, aggressive, sarcastic, angry constantly, depressed and just plain bad to live with. I discovered one of the myths I held onto, that I used to prevent myself from accepting who I am, crumbled in front of me one night as I read new information which set off a domino effect and all my unfounded prejudices, misgivings, desires and false information began to melt away, only the truth was left.

Tomorrow I start day one of what I consider my second attempt to transition and it will be my last. I won't get another shot at this.

Sarah T   

This is an interesting discussion. Basically I have had a number of tipping points in my life. I have always known I was Transgender from an age of about 6, although I didn't understand the term until I was in my late teens, but I have always had major dysphoria episodes which until I went onto HRT , I was unable to control, when I have had major crises in my life. To counter the periods between the crises that I have had in my life I have used first the Army & then the Police as typical macho manly things to bury my feelings, then my IT and Business career to keep my mind totally involved. Many times in annual evaluations - I have been described as a workaholic and with enormous drive like a man possessed.  So when I have had major crises in my life. My wife having an affair and leaving me because of my dysphoria and blurting out that I was TS or losing jobs through economic downturns, I have had major dysphoric breakouts and had the tipping points. I have had two major such points in my life and many other smaller ones. Both the first and the second have cajoled me into action to begin HRT. I only stopped HRT the first time after living for nearly two years full time as a woman with most people describing me as incredibly a 100% more relaxed different person, when I was outed at work and lost my job as a woman with the impending loss of my home and so de-transitioned. This coincided me being offered an amazing Expat job  back in my previous profession. Although truthfully I was happiest as a Legal Secretary and Housewife (until losing that job)

I think I had a perfect sh*tstorm in October/November 2012.  I lost 90 pounds in 2011-12 due to a serious illness, then put on a lot of muscle working construction in my house over the summer.  I was in the best shape of my life and finally healthy again, yet I was miserable beyond belief.  I looked pretty good objectively, but my hair was falling out like crazy and the dysphoria was off the chart.  One day my wife put "guyliner" on me to make me extra sexy, but I looked in the mirror and I saw a woman- a sad, sad woman.   I knew that I had to do something ASAP.

Then I started drinking insane amounts of vodka instead of seeking professional help.   

The second time that I woke up in the hospital, the surgeon on duty was actually knowledgeable about trans issues and pointed me in the right direction. 

I never had anything related to genital dysphoria. Perhaps it's because of my fatalistic attitude about life. Sure, I wished I didn't have the dangly bits, but now what? You work with what you got. Up to an including wild monkey sex. The dangly bits and I have had some great times together with company over. As you can imagine, that had absolutely nothing with my tipping point

Mine came when my life once again turned into a total disaster. Oh, it happened a few times before, but this time it could not have been worse with me actually living through it. I lost my job at the peak of my career, VP of Engineering. I did manage to land an engineering gig. At least that is what the military industrial complex said it was. IMO, I was a glorified admin, able to do the job with most of my brain tied behind my back. Not exactly what a super hero engineer is used to. Add in it was 350 miles from home, the height of the housing crash/depression, a semi invalid depressed wife, a long distance marriage, and complete isolation and culture shock as I moved from 5 miles to mid town Manhattan, to rural West Virginia.

In other words I had to much quality time alone with myself and my thoughts. No more 3D's, as I came to call them. Diversions, Distractions, and Denial. Nope, every aspect of my life that relied upon "to get by", was gone. Given the choice between eating the barrel of my favorite gun or doing something about how I was NOT handling being trans.

Quote from: KatelynBG on August 22, 2015, 04:15:50 PM
My 30th birthday was a big one for me. I started dressing again after a decade of not. I also share your fear of growing into an old man and dying as a man, laying there for eternity in one of my hated suits. I'm 33 now with a child and a 2nd one coming and I'm on the verge of tossing it all aside to be my true self. Gender consumes95% of my thoughts on a daily basis. I've had thoughts of self harm along the way. I came dangerously close to admitting to my wife my desire to transition last night and she's made it clear that she's gone if I ever say that. Right now I'm living by every closet trans persons' motto "Now's not a good time to transition."

Katelyn, I think I terribly fear getting to where you are in life, having a few kids and being consumed with my gender. I'm sorry you are there now and really hope the best for you as you navigate some choppy waters. No matter your struggles with identity or what people think of you, you have intrinsic worth as a human being and I hope you can hold on to that as make some difficult decisions.

On another note, the motto describes my life over the past 10 years as well. But now I'm starting to worry that now might be the best time there will ever be. My wife will be devastated, yes. But at least there is time for us to heal and at least we wouldn't have to explain anything to our kids.

Audrey, I am 26 and I agree with you. I was going to wait till my son was 18 (me 41) but I couldnt.  both my kids are young and will grow up with this and have all the time in the world to adjust.  :0)

I was an awesome alpha male, very successful in business, a world class athlete (represented my country in the World Championships), a total playboy with 3 marriages, a family man with 4 children.  It was all an act and I was good at it. I kept myself totally occupied and pushed away the urge as perversion except for each nigh i would be a female. Then the financial crash of 2008 hit and I slowed down and found myself with free time to think. That's when I accepted who who I am and began this journey.  Its been a journey of truth and discovering my inner soul.

I simply could not keep going back to the GP with my continuing bouts of depression and not say what the real cause was.

I was already booked in to see my GP for a regular check up (blood pressure, depression) I woke up with yet another empty whisky bottle on the bed and yet another hangover.

I toyed with idea of walking in front of a train, instead I got to the Doctor, he did his tests and then said 'what's up? your earrings get larger every time you see me and you are so sad'. I blurted out that I am a woman and I live in Hell of being seen as male. He wrote a referral on the spot and said, don't post this, hand deliver it.

Next time I saw him I was wearing skin tight cycling lycra, my boobs proudly standing out, he just said 'nice rack' blushed, we both laughed and for the first time in 15 years my BP was normal.

He saved my life.

I was 31, I'd grown up in the 60s and 70s and sex change was the stuff seen in seedy newspapers in the UK. I had become a caricature of a man, a hard drinking, pot smoking,speed taking, pool shooting, girl chasing (and boy chasing),muscle car driving, badass biker. 10 years previously I had realised I was transexual and had tried to blot it out with dope and booze unsuccessfully. I was heading for a coffin, not by suicide but by accident as I was off my face most of the time, I fell asleep in the bath many times, once knocking a radio into it seconds after I got out and twice fell down stairs through a glass door and was lucky to walk away with minor cuts and bruises. I also set the cooker alight making food while wrecked. The thought of dying didn't scare me but dying an old man having lived an unhappy, unfulfilled life did.I also had a bad eating disorder and dropped to 154 pound, my hair had started to thin (it came back after about 18 months HRT).
I realised this wasn't going away and cut back on my drinking, quit dope and sought help.

JoanneB;
I so love your 3Ds. This describes my life so well:  Diversions, Distractions, and Denial.

I did it when I realized I had nothing left to lose.  I had no homme no money, and nobody loved me.  I never stood a chance pleasing other people, so I decided to do what I really wanted to

Finding out that HRT exists and what it can do... watching countless Youtube videos about MtF HRT timelines and realising that cure of transsexualism was not simply chopping of some parts and pumping up others + spending hundreds of thousands on plastic surgeries...  When at 15 I decided to try to "man up" and supress all those feelings, surviving the next two decades was only possible because I believed that it's too late (unless they chop up You in Your early teens).

My depression got worse and worse until my father, who I came out to in '93 and was NOT happy about it, pushed me to talk about it.  I guess he figured I'd been miserable long enough and if I really did have gender issues, I should face them.

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I'd never really faced up to the fact that I was a girl. I'd always considered myself  just a little strange  ;) But I liked it. It was my way of dealing with the world. I was one step removed from all the sh*t around me. And I simply lived my life and all was ok.
It was not until I sort help for a childhood trauma that; during one of my sessions , I simply stopped mid-sentence and looked at the floor. It was the weirdest thing like time had stopped and all I could hear was my heart beat.
I started to cry and finally gave in to my true feeling.  I can laugh about it now but at the time I was afraid I would never stop crying !
I'm much happier now and I have found that people just accept my as a women which is just beautiful.

Paula, <3 X.

Ps. If this is spelt wrong don't go all weird on me, lol I'm Dyslexic. Which is *ucking hard to spell  ;)

I had struggled with GD from early childhood and it got a lot worse at puberty. By the time I was in my  late teens it was a daily struggle to carry on but there was no available SRS in those days (late 60s, early 70s). Suicide was an ongoing risk and getting worse.

At age 24 my niece was born and my sister thrust her into my arms at a few days of age. THAT was the breaking point! I told my doctor, shortly after, that I wasn't going to make it to age 25 without surgery. By the kindest stroke of Fate, Dr. Biber came on the scene then and I has SRS six months after the birth of my niece.

Honestly, I would have to say that my tipping point was one day when I tried to force myself to imagine my future as a man to try and convince myself that the confusion I was having didn't mean anything... and I just couldn't do it, the idea of living as a man for the rest of my future days repulsed me, it felt wrong; and I knew then that I couldn't deny it any longer, but I still did try too; and it took me a while longer to finally accept it.

I'm sorry, is the complete question "what was your tipping point for starting transition?"

I mean everybody seems to be assuming that THAT IS the question. But there could be several other "tipping points" in life, in my own case:

--For realizing I hated having a guy's body: very early in life. Somehow i wasn't keen on my genitals, for some reason I just couldn't figure out

--For starting crossdressing very frequently: as a teenager when I saw my older sister wearing a tube top shamessly on the beach, when she had just started puberty and had already developed a nice pair of breasts, having tons of guys drooling for her, at that point I totally hated being a guy, I wanted to be like her and I felt so miserable

--For starting bodybuilding, my biggest stupidest mistake in life BTW. IDK really if it was the beatings in elementary, being threatened with a knife by an a-hole in high school, being bullied on a daily basis at the same period, being friendless and rejected as a"guy", wanting to "fit in" and being admired by my folks, siblings, classmates as opposed to ridiculed...

--For leaving my parents' home abruptly, with no income or place to go: gosh it was a myriad of things, mainly confusion about my gender issues while I had become a huge "guy" physically but my mother suspected I was secretly crossdressing, and didn't like women, just pretended I did, etc I was a total mess IDK why I didn't terminate myself at that point

--For moving away from my whole family to California, with a couple of guy friends, supposedly to start a rock band or enroll in the Musicians Institute: again, a myriad of things set off that abrupt decision. I just needed to go away somewhere else

--For moving back to my original city: again too many confusing things were happening to me, as well as a bit of drug and alcohol abuse and even smoking while living in California, because of huge work-related and survival stress and hating living as a "guy", on a daily basis

--For moving back to live with my parents: basically, feeling extremely lonely, vulnerable, suicidal and having been living in dumps filled with mice, rats, roaches, spiders --although I really don't hate them spiders much as the others lol, I rather fear the poisonous ones, but I do like how they look-- for years

--For starting HRT (not really transition, just full-fledged HRT): primarily, it was the fact that those advertised methods including herbs and similar stuff, supposedly aimed at developing breasts and feminizing the body, were a waste of time and money for me, but I was scared to death of HRT's supposedly terrible side effects.

--For realizing I am a transgender-transsexual person: I really don't know! I was already on HRT for more than a year and I still thought at that time that I was a crossdresser, I actually called myself a "t-girl" at that time, but didn't even know what that meant! I was in awe of actual transsexual women, feeling like they were some sort an impossible ideal for me to become. Like some sort of fantastic being with special traits and capabilities that I just didn't have and could never develop. I guess when I started getting on Web sites such as this one, is when I started "discovering myself", for the first time, and realized that being a transsexual is not about passing 100% as a cis female, or being an incredibly brave and strong-willed super-special human being. It is rather about KNOWING that one is (in my case) a woman inside, regardless of how accurate the body may be to match that feeling, as a true physical representation of that inner-being, specially to conform to our currently absurd social standards and stereotypes.

--For finally acknowledging I am a transgender/transsexual and REALLY ACTING UPON IT: When I read an AWESOME article from a successful transsexual woman, about orchi, how it did wonders for her before she was ready for SRS financially, regarding getting rid FOR GOOD of the poisoning agents that produced testosterone. I had always hated those things since I was a little "boy" anyways. I was about to terminate myself at that point, then I read that article, and a couple of months later, I finally had my orchi and t-shave. THAT DAY I was 100% sure I was no longer a "guy" physically, so my mind started to match my body AT LAST

--For starting seeing a psychologist and later, only briefly, a gender therapist: too much emotional baggage. Too much pressure/many questions from my folks about why I had no friends, no "girlfriend", failed at all jobs I got hired at, was locked in my room sleeping all day and doing all my stuff all night, to avoid my parents...

--For "coming out" to my parents: One day, it was just one day I just exploded and told them, crying, that the real reason I accepted going to the psychiatrist, was not "sleeping and social problems", but it was that I had hated being a guy my whole life, I had Gender Dysphoria or Harry Benjamin syndrome, confirmed by the doctor, and that was the root and cause of everything, all my personality and social problems

--For starting presenting as female, after more than five years on HRT, and almost as many after orchi and t-shave: even though I was scared as hell about not passing, being rejected, etc., I totally hated the idea of presenting as a so called "androgynous guy" so much, that I took a chance for the first time. My BF's support and encouragement was a huge help for me on finally doing this. I don't think I would ever have started presenting without him.

And there are so many other tipping points I haven't mentioned. But as usual, I already wrote a HUGE essay one more time which probably very few people will feel like reading in its entirety, if any. So I apologize in advance for taking up so much space in this thread. Maybe someone could find it an interesting story/read though. It's real stuff, commonplace in many MTF's lives actually, so it could be an eye-opener for the ones about to start transitioning. It's a roller-coaster, but it's worth the trouble, for finally becoming one's true self and slowly becoming a happier, more likable person and even getting some invaluable peace of mind.

Cheers

Bibi B.

I didn't really have a tipping point per se.  I've struggled with this most of my life really, but I didn't consciously know how to understand it and the scope of it.  So, one day about 4.5 months ago when I discovered the word transgender and learned about the stories of some other transgender children, things kinda clicked in my head like the tumblers in a lock.  I figured it was just "who I was" though and not "who I am."  But I soon realized otherwise, and then I suddenly started blooming into this whole other person that I always should've been!

Quote from: paula lesley on August 23, 2015, 11:05:00 AM

Ps. If this is spelt wrong don't go all weird on me, lol I'm Dyslexic. Which is *ucking hard to spell  ;)

I'm Lessdicksic as well.  :)

I lived in Utah and was a member of the LDS church (Mormon).  I never did come out, I was discovered. The persecution from the church drove me away from the life I despised. I loved my spouse and kids but I could not handle the rest of it. It totally destroyed my family and I was practically forced to leave the state. Mom wrote me a letter telling me to do so. The company I worked for was pulling illegal psychological crap on me. My lawyer found out about it and the next day the corporate lawyer from Colorado was on site to help me leave the company. They gave me three months pay and I was off too California the next day.

It was the late 80's and it was still just as hard in CA. I went through three jobs before I could escape my past. Once that was behind me, I did okay.

Cindi

Watching Cosmos was my tipping point! Don't get me wrong here, I had been dealing with GID since childhood. But I kept saying that my passion, science, couldn't care less for gender and so repressed my desire to transition. But then science itself reminded me how small and how insignificant we are in the vastness of our universe. Hence, there is no need for unnecessary stress while occupying our little spot in space during an infinitesimal slice of time. I opened up to all those near and dear and embarked on this amazing journey.

I know this borders the esoteric, but it's truly how it happened!

M


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I did not have the "I am a girl" realization at a young age. I just dressed like one when no one was around. I kept doing that all my life. I was so confused or in denial that I did not even consider myself a cross dresser. Transgender (transsexual) was not even an option.

I guess a few years ago I hit a spot of depression and self loathing. I started doing some web searches. I even created an account on this site but blocked it out of my mind somehow. When I went to join this past January, it stated I already had an account. I was blown away by the fact that I made one two years ago and not remembered.

It could be argued that my 50th birthday did it. I am not sure about that. It might have been the tipping point. Somehow I started looking at what I did and terrified myself by admitting I might be a cross dress, but did not stop delving and searching. In the research and reading, two things hit me:

(sorry, somehow my tab button does weird things)
1 the urges never go away
2 my urges and reasons did not fit the descriptions I found of cross dressers
3(okay I lied, 3) cross dressers are generally accepted as part of the spectrum of transgender

I panicked and had to get help. Went to a therapist, continued to do research and well if you want a boring read, you could read my progress from there. Most of it is on this site.

The  weird thing I realized in the past week or two is how much I hate to see myself in the mirror. Well, I have known it but not realized why till recently.  I also saw a few posts recently talking about hair lose. Years ago my SO suggested I could see a doctor about that  but I thought it was vain and I should tough it out like people had always done. However, that too may have contributed to the tipping point. And the hair on my body and the fact I don't recognize myself in a mirror(who is that old man?) and never have and , and #$*&ing and...

Don't know if that is what you were looking for.

Joanna

Great thread and posts!  I tipped so often I was going in circles ;D  I had tell tale clues all my life and secretly assumed I would magically become a girl and mom until puberty.  Then I began an odyssey of coping and internal anguish.  As awareness blossomed around me i attempted a transition in the early 90s, failed and became even more miserable in my private life while apparently seeming successful in other realms.  As your initial post says so well, I did not want to have any further regrets for not being true to myself.  I had everything but it was worthless to me as I lived a lie.  I feel much better now with transition.

It has been said thousands of times here but, I would advise all of us to be true to ourselves and live without regret.  We only get one go around we can be sure of.