Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello everyone, for the time being you can just call me M.

I'm a twenty-four year old MTF who has been self-transitioning and hasn't had therapy of any kind, back when I was younger. I've been using phytoestrogens(and believe me, I know I'm ripping myself off) as well as brain frequencies to try and stall off my body from developing a way I'd rather it not.

A little story.
Through my entire childhood I always desired to be a girl, I had some arguably boyish tendencies like playing video games, and watching SOME shows aimed toward little boys but on the same hand I watched shows aimed toward girls, it's complicated. I played with dolls, I loved playing house and I'd even make my action figures and my sister's dolls interact and well.. pretend peaceful scenarios, where my action figures normally lived violent ones. My sisters watched a lot of Jerry Springer and often I'd see the transsexuals on that show being ridiculed, it made me uneasy and scared to admit my feelings.. So I started doing everything in secret. I never was caught, until my father one day caught me pretending to be a girl online and broke my monitor screaming at me that I'm a sick pervert. My father's anger scared me, especially since my father was virtually a giant to me. My father brought me to my mother and had me explain myself... I was scared out of my wit's end.

"Do you wear girl's clothing when we're not here?" My heart beat, it beat fairly hard and I wanted to scream yes but the look of anger in my father's eyes and disappointment in my mother's made me hesitate.. with extreme hesitation I muttered.. "no.." My mother asked me .. "Why.. did you do this then?" ... I was scared, I felt their eyes glaring me down and I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I hesitated to state.. "I.. I like boys." This was only part of the truth, my parents seemed to reject the concept at first but opened up toward me being gay... but it all felt horribly wrong, I wanted to go back and correct myself but the damage was done... but seeing as my oldest sister got kicked out of the house around this time, I was really scared.

I started to look up things on how to sound more feminine, practicing and training my voice became my goal.. but I did this when my parents weren't around. I lost my friends mostly cause they thought I was weird and a total fake. I was that kid that no one wanted anything to do with, the weirdo. The only friends I had were these two extremely violent boys who picked on me for being too girly and it didn't make me feel so well, but this was the life my parents wanted me to have.. or it felt like. After they moved away I faced my parents again and told them.. "I want to be a girl." They didn't react well. "You told us you were gay..." I told them.. "I lied. I was scared." Rejected by my own parents, my oldest sister who was now settled down with a husband offered to take me in and get me help.. whereas my father wanted me put into bootcamp. Immediately.

Flying down to another state was a terrifying experience, especially since at this time I was trying to grow out my hair and people shot me all kinds of dirty looks, I was that grungy kid with a constant angered expression. When I finally got there my sister welcomed me with open arms and I for the most part was quiet, I did the house work she didn't want to do. School started and I was wondering when I was going to see a therapist, after about half way through the year I started seeing the school councilor who I was recommended to see by my teachers. I told her everything about me, from my feelings of wanting to be a girl to how I suppressed my feelings in order to live a remotely normal life and it led to me hating myself. She broke the news to me that as much as she wished she could help, I need to see a therapist. She said she'd give my sister a call and recommend some to me, but I never heard more of that. A bit after hearing that depressing news my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me with a girl that was one of my closer friends, and the whole reasoning is. "She's actually a girl, you're not." It made me feel even more like dirt.

I became suicidal, I started cutting myself and hating myself.. I stared at the dresses and cute clothes I snuck with me on the trip and tried to wear them to make myself feel better.. my older sister stormed in and screamed at me asking me what I thought I was doing, I don't look like a girl at all.. I just look like a freak. The words hurt and they completely crushed me. Eventually I found out my sister was using me as a way to get money from my parents, the treatment toward me started to also transition, but into abuse. After having the first call in awhile with my mom I told her flat out, I want to go back. She was confused but paid for my flight back, there my other sister who was now pregnant would constantly put me down and make me feel like I had to be a man.

Going to now my parents may be respective of my chosen name, my identity and gender.. but they haven't been very cooperative in helping me get through transition, I don't exactly have any friends due to frequent moving and with how much I hid myself.

I'm admittedly a recluse and because of forcing myself to transition at a fairy early age(17) by sneaking supplements, listening to these frequencies and taking these phytoestrogens, or herbal products I became extremely isolated and became discouraged from completing anything that would make me known to the world as a man, which for the longest time I thought was an advantage because my family seemed to be supportive of me.. Key word is seemed. Although they respect my proper gender, pronouns and preferred name they have not been too supportive of helping me along the path. I've been slowly trudging my way through this path by myself and now I'm finally to a point where I'm seeking out a therapist to get assessed with Gender Dysphoria and start HRT.. However, with the fact of the location I live at being a problem and the fact I'm still with somewhat unsupportive parents.. it raises some complications.

That being said, pleasure to meet all you men, ladies and everyone in general.

Hi M  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

Please be sure to review

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Hugs

V M

Welcome to Susan's M.
I hope you can find the help and support you need here.
You are not alone, if you need any help or advice or just to vent that's what we are here for.
Hugs,
Bobbi

Hello and welcome  :)

Here are some resources that could help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1740788.html#msg1740788

Concerning therapy there are also online therapists.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

Some local therapists might be covered and communicate online:
just look for a supportive one...
if they are not helpful look for another.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,162888.msg1400316.html#msg1400316


If you feel like it there are helplines.
They also have a chat.
www.glbthotline.org/hotline.html
www.translifeline.org


hugs

Welcome to Susan's. You can ind a lot of information on the site and people just like yourself.

Big warm welcome to Susan's M

Reminds me of the Bond movies!

I am sorry that things aren't quiet as smooth as they could be, at least you were not kicked off into boot camp.

Reclusiveness is common, but not really a good place to be, you should try and find friends and folks close to you, keep human to human contact. OH and please get to a gender therapist, it will help. I know you'll find plenty of information that will help you here, and you're amongst friends  ;D

Best wishes for your journey and I look forward to seeing you around the forum's

L Katy  :-*

A hearty welcome to Susan's, M.

:)

Thank you for the warm welcomes everyone. ^^

I've read all the resources and links I've been given and have gone over the rules, everything twice-over, so again thank you.

I actually wasn't even aware of online therapy being an actual thing until a few days ago, sadly there's really no therapists that are local to my location who work with transgender or transsexual patients... Nearest office was about fifty or so minutes with no traffic. So I've been looking more into online therapy as an option. Online also would benefit me the most because there's a possibility of moving in with old friends who accept me as who I am in the somewhat near future.

Well I didn't actually even think of the Bond movies until you just mentioned it, mostly I'm just going off that my username is "TheMissingM" referring to a melody, being something that is perceived as a linear succession of tunes.. in this case the missing melody of my body and my soul.  It also refers to the fact that the start of my birth name begins with a M, referring that he's been missing for awhile and likely won't be coming back. Double meaning, really.

I cringe to think how different things would of been had my father gotten his way, I'm glad he didn't.

I've been trying to break the habit but anytime I've tried to open up to someone because my passing scale seems to lean 50/50 and it eventually does come up.. it usually doesn't go all that well. Right now I'm unemployed and trying to get a job as well as get on insurance(tons of research on what ones are commonly accepted and benefit a transition the most.. still not sure if I can even qualify in all honesty but I won't know until they get back to me.)

So far there's been a lot of information here that I wish I knew a lot sooner and other tid bits of info that have helped me setup my plan for the long run.

Hope to get to know all of you better.

Thank you for sharing your story. It isn't all that different than mine except you have started your transition a few years earlier than I did. At least you didn't complicate your life by getting married. Getting the financial means to support yourself AND pay for the transition is a daunting task. Make a plan. Get education or training for a career that you love. That should be a priority. You will need money transition or not. Figure out how to earn it. And while you are working on that, you can do what you can towards transition.

GD saps most of us of clear thinking and reason. Make sure that doesn't happen to you. Plan ahead and stick to it as best you can. All plans get fouled as most of us have experienced, but at least you'll have a sense of direction to navigate the detours. You'll be fine.

Meanwhile, this is a great place to get support. I hope you avail yourself of this outstanding resource.

My best to you. And please, don't let yourself get discouraged.

Cindi